This article is otherwise known as: why we should never, ever press “pause” on a Disney movie. It will forever ruin our childhood. Assuming there’s anything left of it, of course. This isn’t the first time we’ve tried to scar our soul by defecting on perfectly good Disney movies. But what’s the point of adulthood if we can’t look back on childhood and make a bunch of dirty jokes about it? The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, and The Lion King are all guilty of it. Especially in the age of memes and GIFs. Admit it, Disney was made to be the butt of bad sex/swearing jokes in the 21st Century. There’s something about our favorite cartoon characters relating to our adult lives. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do. Enjoy!
15. Seduction 101
This is not much of an exaggeration. Ursula practically screams it during her song: “You have your looks! Your pretty face! And don’t forget the importance of BODY LANGUAGE, ha!” She may have been a manipulative, cruel sea witch who wasn’t above using a sixteen-year-old’s love life to take over the kingdom, but she knew her way around a guy’s head, and had some sound advice for getting his attention. It makes us wonder what she was doing before being exiled. One of the best ways to land on the throne is through marriage. She might’ve tried to pull a Jafar and marry into the royal family. Which means that, in another universe, Ursula would’ve been Ariel’s mother. Considering how she treats her eels, maybe that wouldn’t have been a bad thing…
14. All The Reasons We Hate Gaston
Let’s see here… No respect for literature (“How can you read this? There aren’t any pictures!”), check. No idea how normal human beings operate (I’ll set up this wedding for me and Belle and then propose to her, even though she’s told me “no” several times), check. No idea how women operate (I’ll show her all of the animals I’ve killed to impress her! That’ll make her want to date me), check and mate.
There isn’t a Disney character that’s simultaneously as dumb and smart as Gaston is. He does all of the epic fails listed above, but at the same time he comes up with the idea to blackmail Belle into marrying him (and it would’ve worked, if she hadn’t had the magic mirror). And then he manipulates the town into leading an assault on the Beast. Of course, neither of those plans really worked out for him. Derp!
I say again: never, ever, ever pause a Disney movie, or we’ll get a lot worse than this. Such as: orgasmic faces, ugly faces, scary faces, Tarzan in agony of a twelve-inch neck being stretched by Jane’s foot, Rapunzel using her hair to play “why are you hitting yourself?” with Eugene, and Ursula and Ariel having scandalous interactions.
Two things about this one. One: if a condom did break, Nala would be a lot more freaked out than Simba. Simba’s not the one who gets pregnant if birth control fails. In fact, he has the option to be a real jerk and hightail out of raising a little lion cub. (“Hakuna matata, b**h!”) The only thing he has to worry about is STDs, which, considering what a catch Nala is, is entirely possible. And two: Nala would be on top.
12. Stranger, No Danger
Seriously though, how many Disney couples married after knowing each other for all of two days? There’s Aurora and Prince Phillip in the meme, and then Rapunzel and Eugene, Snow White and her Prince, Cinderella and Prince Charming, Ariel and Eric, Tiana and Naveen, and Jasmine and Aladdin. Although, with Aladdin, he did save her hand from getting chopped off after he saw her give food to a starving child, so they at least managed to establish themselves as good people before hooking up.
But Disney saves itself in Frozen by mercilessly mocking the “true love” trope they’ve been peddling for the last seventy years. (“Hang on! You got engaged to a guy you’d just met that day? What if you don’t like the way he eats? What if you don’t like the way he picks his nose?…And eats it.”)
11. Well, When You Put It That Way…
And all at the age of eleven! No, seriously, let’s do the math. The narrator in the beginning says the magic rose would last until Beast’s twenty-first birthday (“The rose, which was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year.”) Which was nice, because if he hadn’t been able to break the spell, at least he would’ve been able to legally get wasted. Later, in the “Be Our Guest” song, Lumiere laments that for “ten years we’ve been rusting.” So not only did the enchantress curse a person to possible eternity as a buff beast, she cursed a kid. Nobody is an angel when they’re eleven, so why was she so insulted when he turned her away? Next time, just take away his smartphone for an hour. He’ll be begging for forgiveness within fifteen minutes.
10. When You Can’t Find A Heart For The Queen
Someone’s been watching too much Game of Thrones. But now that I’ve seen this, I really wish that’s what had happened in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. They should’ve released an adult version alongside the kids’ version and let that be canon. In the classic story, after the huntsman spares Snow White’s life and sends her running, he hunts down a deer and gives its heart to the queen (which she then eats, for reasons). But if we’re going to give the evil queen the figurative middle finger, make it a truly memorable occasion. Don’t cut out of the deer’s heart, that’s messy and extremely difficult, having to go through the pelt, the ribs, the sternum… Just cut off its nether regions. And then as soon as someone gives her the box, run.
9. Party Godmother
Now we’re talking! Forget the gown, forget the shoes, forget the mice-turned-horses. This woman can make alcohol from thin air. Jesus can’t even do that! Why would someone go to the ball when they can just announce “free bar” to the entire kingdom and have the ball come to them? And it catches the prince’s attention like a bear to honey. It wouldn’t even be much of a hassle to set up. Just have the fairy godmother wave her wand to fill a table full of alcohol, shot glasses, and maybe some snacks. Nobody will care if they’re in a fancy white gown or pink rags because, I say again, free bar. Clean-up would be really easy, too. The only problem is the time limit. Who wants to stop partying at midnight?
8. Reason #42 Cinderella Shouldn’t Marry Him
Oh, there’s an easy answer for that. He wasn’t looking at Cinderella’s face; he was looking at her feet because he has a major foot fetish. Think about it: they have one dance. They spend all of thirty-minutes together before she has to high-tail out of there (which makes us wonder if she really fell in love with him. If I were a slave in my own home, I’d sure as hell marry a prince to get out). What other reason could there be? It’s also why he fell in love with her in the first place. Nobody else has feet that small and dainty. Not that that’s going to stop him from going on a major foot search party with the entire kingdom in the name of searching for his “true love.” I mean, he’s the prince. And that opportunity is too golden to pass up.
7. Belle, You’re Supposed To Be Smart
That was a pretty stupid question, Belle. What else could’ve happened? That someone magically teleported into the room – and into Beast’s clothes – and simultaneously teleported the “real” Beast out, while she was distracted by the pretty lights? Or that she got hit really, really hard in the head and she’s now hallucinating? Only, she didn’t get hit in the head. Beast did. While he was fighting for his life. And look how heartbroken Beast is! That’s the look one would get when they realize the person they’re in love with is a total idiot, library or not. It’s like if someone spent days or even weeks working on a painting of us and our special someone for that special someone, and when they get it they go, “Why did you get me a picture of Rick and Morty?”
6. Cogsworth Says What We’re All Thinking
No, Cogsworth, it doesn’t work like that! Stockholm syndrome won’t set in if he let her go. As a matter of fact, the exact opposite would happen. He needs to wait for her to grow dependent on the Beast (at least emotionally), and then let her go. That should cause enough emotion to make the rose think she’s genuinely in love.
In all seriousness, the phrase “If you love something, let it go” is not just a figure of speech. If Beast truly cared about and loved Belle, he would’ve let her go a long time ago (probably in this scene, instead of giving her the library, which I admit was pretty bomb). It’s a good thing for Beast that this story took place in Medieval France; in any other universe, Belle would’ve divorced his ass so fast his head would spin.
5. The Lamp’s True Power
Admit it: most of us were thinking about male parts whenever anyone rubbed the lamp. Or at the very least during Genie’s song “Friend Like Me.” There are some very interesting lyrics near the end:
I’ve got a powerful urge to help you out,
So what you wish, I really wanna know?
You’ve got a list that’s three miles long, no doubt,
Well all you’ve gotta do is rub like so, and oh…
Yeah, there’s no way that wasn’t done on purpose. The creators at Walt Disney have some very dirty minds, and so did Robin Williams (RIP). At some point we have to wonder if they were seriously thinking “How many sex jokes can we slip into a kids’ movie before the parents mob us with torches and pitchforks? Let’s find out!”
4. Disney Missed His Calling
Oh, come on. Who doesn’t ship Gus and Jaq? Those two totally ended up together as surely as Cinderella and Prince Charming, or at least they deserved that kind of happy ending. They’re both running around without pants on for crying out loud. The only people who do that are those who are really kinky and anticipating opportunities for a quickie. And Lucifer, the cat, was clearly jealous of their relationship. He wanted Jaq for himself, didn’t know how to express it (they’re both guys in a homophobic time, he’s a cat and Jaq’s a mouse…) and Gus – the new guy – came along and stole him!
3. This Is Why People Don’t Want Kids
Admit it, parents: there are days where we want to say this to our kid. “Now, Jimmy, you can have any of the fruit for a snack before dinner.” “But what about the chocolate in the fridge?” “…” (Deep breath. Don’t swear.) Dropping the F-bomb on an eight-year-old is considered bad form…
Of course, exposition doesn’t really work if the dumb character doesn’t ask questions. How else are we supposed to find out about the evil hyena territory that Simba’s forbidden from entering? It’s not like any of the adults could just come out and say, “That shadowy place is full of cub-eating hyenas, whom we’ve been at war with for ages. Going there means dying. And for the love of god, don’t listen to anything your uncle Scar says.”
2. Safety Second
That…yeah, that is a very good point. Jasmine does a host of dangerous things, like raise a pet tiger, but the only time she asks about the safety measures is when she’s about to hop on a carpet. Not when she’s running away from home, not when she’s trusting her life to a “street rat” she just met that day, and not when she’s challenging Jafar. Speaking of running away from home, how screwed up is the Sultan’s parenting? She can have a pet tiger, but she can’t leave the palace? I’m surprised it took her sixteen years to run away from home. I would’ve been out of there by the time I was twelve. And I would’ve brought the tiger with me, because Raja is awesome no matter what Aladdin says.
1. He’s Just Saying What Everyone’s Thinking:
This is not much of a stretch of imagination. We all know that this is exactly what Grimsby was thinking; it’s written all over his face! The only reason he didn’t say it out loud is because of those annoying things called manners. They just suck the fun out of everything. Seriously. Think of all the times we didn’t do something because we didn’t want to come across as rude. Imagine what would’ve happened in The Little Mermaid without manners: every conversation between Sebastian and Triton would probably end up with Sebastian in jail, every time Grimsby and Eric disagree would be epic, Eric finding Ariel naked on the beach…you know what, on second thought, keep the clean version. Unrestrained characters might be more interesting, but not really appropriate for children…