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15 Hilariously Appropriate New Names For Animals That Will Have You In Tears

By: In: Pets
15 Hilariously Appropriate New Names For Animals That Will Have You In Tears

The Earth is filled with some pretty amazing creatures. Some are pretty, some are scary, and some look like they’ve managed to crawl their way out from the bowels of Hell. Every single creature, of which there are millions, has had a unique name given to them. But, every once in a while, someone comes along with a name that suits them so much better. (Thanks, Internet.) Now, whether or not you believe in a God or a creator, you have to admit that these alternate names and creation stories for different animals in our midst make a lot more sense. Get ready to laugh out loud with us to 15 of the Internet’s best descriptions and non-traditional names for some of Mother Nature’s wonkier animals and creatures.

15. Moth

Moths, the unfortunately creepy, uglier version of the majestic butterfly. They’re thick, hairy, pale, and clingy. Just like your freaky neighbor who always seems to be looking at you through their window. They hide in our closets like tiny stalkers and try to commit suicide by dive bombing into light bulbs and open flame. They’re one of the options perverts have to reincarnate as (I can’t say for certain, but probably). Sure people still think they’re pretty, after all, there’s a lid for every pot. And, while I’m sure they serve some purpose other than freaking us the crap out while they flap their dusty wings in our faces, we definitely prefer this hilarious description of moths. When you really stop to think about it, “a stupid piece of paper” is pretty on point.

14. Velocirabbit

via Twitter

Of course! Now that this name has been introduced, we’re not sure we can ever go back to calling it a kangaroo. Kangaroos are basically just furry velociraptors. They’ve got the short arms, pointy tail, and posture of the fearsome velociraptor. But they also have the cute ears, fur, teeth, and coloration of a rabbit. They’re cute and cuddly looking but can also punt your a*s from here to next Tuesday if you mess with them. So don’t. We just have one question though: when, during the rabbit/velociraptor splicing, did that weird envelope stomach occur? And why can’t humans have one? Do you realize how convenient that would be? Five-layer bean dip from my pouch, anyone? Just pick out the lint and balled-up straw wrappers, and you’ll be fine.

13. Bats

 

I think at one point, God just got lazy, but he still had four million more creatures to go, so he referenced previous animals and decided to mess with their dimensions. It was probably at 11:59 PM on a Saturday just before he decided to give it a rest. Bats were for sure one of the last specimens God made; red-eyed and crashing from Red Bull, he made a last-ditch effort to populate the globe; with flying freaking mice. “Sure, stretch out its stomach, we’ll call them wings. Make them freakishly thin and made out of leather. Put its arms inside of it, too, and when it gets excited and tries to wave, make it float — But in a horrifying way that strikes fear into the hearts of man.

12. Booplesnoot

via IMGUR

Together, the made up word “booplesnoot” makes no sense, and yet it magically captures the very essence of a cute, cuddly, wittle bunny rabbit. Then you break down the word into two parts, and it makes perfect sense. “Boop,” the act of affectionately pressing on someone—usually on the nose—and “snoot,” one’s nose. Maybe get fancy and assume this term is French, with the “le” connecting the two, so you’ve got “boop” the act of affectionately pressing “le” the “snoot” nose. A very handsome creature whose looks are so adorable they make you feel the need to act out in a loving type of violence via excessive touching of the nose. That cute, wet, tiny little nose. Omg, get over here, “it’s so fluffy I wanna die!”

11. Duck

One of my absolute favorites. In just seven words, someone has been able to give us the perfect visual and insight into the throat anatomy of a duck (that’s a thing, right?). How else do you explain a duck’s distinctly annoying vocals? Good thing kazoos don’t actually attract ducks, otherwise innocent children’s parties all over the world would bring on a bizarre duck attack epidemic. Little Jimmy’s 5th birthday party was foiled by a flock of dive-bombing mallards who then got into the cake and pecked all the kids to death on a sugar high. It was difficult for coroners to determine what was fruit punch and what was blood. Just think about that the next time you decide to give a kid a kazoo.

10. Floaty Potato

via imgur

I have never seen a happier potato in all of my life. Can you imagine life as a manatee? Manatees are seriously the turds of the sea. Move over, tuna, we’ve got a new slogan around here. Enormous turds that can swim and sing. How royally effed up is that?

Whoever dubbed a manatee a floaty potato is pretty spot on. Stick some fins and a mouth on a potato, and voila! Manatees are loved by many due to their peaceful nature. Still, if I were swimming around in the ocean and a fricken manatee popped up beside me, I would probably just die. Stick a fork in me, I’m done, I cannot deal with this giant, gray, harmless potato poo. But, oh well, on to the next specimen!

9. Architect Squirrels

Genius. This is genius. Beavers are totally the handymen of all rodents. They have Swiss Army knives for bodies. They also behold mini-saws for teeth, compactors for tails, and crafty little hands that they build dams and log-effing-cabins with. Get these furry delights a show on HGTV, for crying out loud! Cast one of them to be Pete Nelson’s assistant on Treehouse Masters. Do you know how much happier I’d be to roll up into a Home Depot and find a beaver in a plaid shirt and a tiny tool belt, sawing up logs? A lot. The answer is a lot. Beavers don’t get enough love or appreciation as far as I’m concerned.

8. Mosquitoes

via eBaulmsWorld

*Shudders* mosquitos are disgusting little bug vampires on stilts, and if they didn’t serve as a messed-up part of the food chain for fish and other wildlife to chomp on, I’d set forth on a mission to burn them all alive with a flame thrower. Except I’d look insane doing so because they’re so tiny, people would think I was just waving a flame thrower around for no reason. I’m not being drastic, YOU’RE BEING DRASTIC. This meme calls mosquitoes out for being exactly what they are, dirty needles. The drug addicts of all annoying a*s bugs.

Mosquitoes are effing terrible. First, they stab you with their syringe noses, then they suck out your life essence while simultaneously spitting into your blood vessel, resulting in an itchy AF bump. They don’t even hand out a simple thank you.

7. Jellyfish

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, floating through the sea, looking for something to sting? Okay, so jellyfish aren’t out there searching for things to sting, it’s simply a self-defense maneuver, but holy crap. Can you imagine being the first person to ever come face-to-face with a jellyfish? Their transparent, gelatinous body looks seriously cool and boop-able (I’m turning this into a word, okay?). Why wouldn’t you want to touch it? Oh, yeah, because a jellyfish will effing taser you. But, honestly, what else is it supposed to do? Wrap its tentacles around your body and squeeze you to death like a snake? They’re way too flimsy for that. At least they’re smart enough to zap someone to smithereens when they feel threatened. They’re not just a see-through bag.

6. Pugs

 

Pugs are a ‘love them or hate them’ type of pupper — there’s usually no in-between. They’re so ugly you either think they’re adorable, or something straight out of a nightmare. They’ve got gigantic, black eyeballs that make it hard for you to know where they’re even looking, and they have smushed faces that make them snore atrociously while they sleep. Don’t get me started on how they wheeze when they work too hard. It sounds just like your severely overweight uncle, Bobby, whose blood is 70% cheeseburger and mayo. It’s all just kind of sad. Nature was not very kind to these canines, but I have to say that I’m #TeamPug. They’ve got a face only a mother could love, so call me a mother-pugger. Gimme right now!

5. Spiky Floof

via Wildlife Insider

Look at this adorable pin cushion on nubs. It looks like the hair of every ’90s heart throb. Over there, looking all fabulous with its spikey, gelled, frosted tips. These cuties can be cute and cuddly, but if you piss them off, they won’t hesitate to hair-shank you with their pretty quills. Hedgehogs can be great untraditional pets if you know how to take care of them. If they’re not your style, you can still appreciate them in all their fabulous hair and bug-eyed majesty.

Hedgehogs have earned a special place in the hearts of many as cute little roly-poly’s with fur. You kinda want to just ball them up and Eskimo kiss their tiny noses until the end of time. Go ahead, we won’t judge.

4. Hippos

You can totally see it, can’t you? God going through a weird animal balloon phase, where only his creations actually come to life. Hippos are kind of adorable. They’re big and fabulous and they get to chill in the water all day, blowing bubbles and popping up next to their friends just to scare them for fun. Water-farting their days away while their happy little offspring swim circles around them. At least that’s what I’d do. And they don’t even care that you’re watching, as long as you don’t pose any danger. They’re just content being all naked and curvy and they bring people joy. In my next life, I’d like to be a hippo. They get to eat whatever they want, swim all day, and just straight up chill. Please and thank you!

3. Majestic Sea Flap Flap

via 9Gag

Ah, yes, the Majestic Sea Flap Flap. Watch this elegant ocean frisbee glide through the water without a care in the world. While stingrays are generally peaceful, they can get sassy if stepped on or attacked (and who wouldn’t?). Plus they’ll whip you with their taser tails, delivering a pretty sick burn.

Swimming with stingrays is a fairly popular activity while on a cruise. I’d like to know who the first person was who saw one of these creatures and decided they’d like to get anywhere near it. Because f*ck all that. If you didn’t know already, stingrays are fairly harmless. But honestly, tell me you wouldn’t freak the eff out if one suddenly floated up out of the ocean bottom and darted towards you. Nope, nope, nope.

2. Turtles

Ah, turtles. They’re slow when they decide to move, hard, bland in color, and can live for up to 80 years — some even longer than that. The first person to ever discover one was probably pretty freaked out watching a boulder suddenly sprout a head and legs and start moving. Turtles kind of have it made, though. They get to walk around at their own leisure with their entire house on their back, only come out when they really want to, can retreat inside if they find a situation bothersome, and have a perma-resting-b*tch-face. And no one messes with them! The true introverts of all species. I think a turtle is my new spirit animal, TBH.

1. Octopus

This one is my absolute favorite, and yet I don’t want to think of them in this way. It just makes too much damn sense, and the imagery is brilliant. Octopuses are just rubbery sea spiders, except way less creepy, and they get to have freaking suction cups stuck to their feet. I’m sorry, but that sounds freaking awesome. And, they only have two eyes instead of eight little beady ones that stare at us from the walls through the night and give us all of the heebie jeebies. All of them, I say. And, octopus meat is a delicacy in some places. If someone told you they tried octopus, you’d think they were a little bizarre, but mostly worldly. If someone told you they just ate a spider one day, you’d set their clothes on fire. Because… that’s freaking gross.