To the average person, “stupid” is an insult. But to some people, “stupid” is a personal challenge. They make it their job to be the most disappointing morons the world has ever seen. It’s not enough that they’re dumb, they have to be the dumbest, or it just isn’t good enough for them. The level of stupid that these people have reached is so extreme, it’s almost admirable. They’ve turned ignorance into an art form.
We’d be impressed with these buffoons, but, sadly, the thing that makes them so remarkable is the thing that keeps us from loving them. And since it’s unlikely that they’ll ever wise up, we guess the only thing we can do is sit back and laugh at these 15 idiotic people who took stupidity to a whole new level.
15. When Jim Beam and Johnnie Walker order pizza
Don’t do it. Don’t you dare do it. Don’t try to tell us alcohol wasn’t involved. We don’t want to hear it. We have to believe that the people who ordered two pizzas—both half pepperoni, half plain cheese—were under the influence of alcohol. And the reason why we have to believe that is because if alcohol wasn’t involved, that means humanity is sooooooo much worse off than we originally thought. If that’s the case, it could very well push us over the edge of sanity into the dark, hopeless abyss of other peoples’ stupidity.
Oh, well. No harm, no foul on this one. These pizzas may be the result of drunken stupidity, but every pizza is a good pizza in our eyes, so we’ll have a slice of pepperoni and a slice of cheese, please.
14. Clean up on aisle 5
You’ve heard the phrase “There’s no sense crying over spilled milk”, right? Well, that phrase was originally much longer. Over time, we humans have pared it down so much that its actual meaning has been lost. It used to be, “There’s no sense crying over the stupidity of some thirteen-year-old kid in the supermarket who tried to drop kick a gallon of milk and spilled it all over the place.”
We love dairy products. Cheese, butter, heavy whipping cream, you name it. Dairy is our best friend (in other news, we’re holding tryouts for a new best friend later this week, if you’re interested in auditioning). Anyway, much as we love it, some people can’t stand dairy. They’re absolutely lactose intolerant. So, technically, this literal spilled milk scenario was a hate crime.
13. Satin is the devil’s fabric
All hail to Satin, the king of fabrics! Praise be to his unparalleled shininess and exceptional softness! Look upon his glossy surface and his durability that makes him suitable for day-to-day wear, and tremble! Bow down before him, you polyester blend-wearing peasants!
Wow, spelling is a real b*tch, eh? You think you’re going to be able to vandalize a local church, and you think it’ll all go as smooth as Jif peanut butter. But once you’ve shaken the spray paint for a full minute, and you’ve made it all the way to “I LOVE SAT,” that’s when you realize you don’t know if an “A” goes next or if an “I” goes next. But, you reason, since you can’t spell “stupid” without “I,” Satan must also be spelled with an “I.” Your logic is highly flawed.
12. Fancy pants cookies
This menu sounds like us after watching the Food Network for a week. We’ll make a box of macaroni and cheese, and then we’ll be like, “Well, we started out with some simple elbow pasta, cooked to al dente. Then, we whipped up a basic béchamel sauce and stirred in some granulated shredded cheddar cheese. Once the cheese was melted, we poured the sauce over the pasta, and garnished it with just a skosh of grated Parmesan.”
This is the fanciest description of a cookie we’ve ever seen. Hey, we’re not complaining. If somebody wants to tell us that the chocolate chip cookie we’re eating is “baked cookie dough,” we’re cool with that. It’s just like Shakespeare said, “What’s in a name? That which we call a chocolate chip cookie by any other name would smell as sweet.”
11. That’s what happens when you take superfluous selfies
Almost all selfies are superfluous. That’s true. But some selfies are more superfluous than others. And this selfie is the most superfluous one that we’ve seen to date. Not that we’re looking at millions of selfies all day long. We were just using a bit of hyperbole to make a point. Although, come to think of it, we do see a lot more selfies these days. We log into Facebook and Instagram every morning, so we guess we actually see more selfies than we realize. But we’ve never seen one of two girls unknowingly sticking rectal thermometers in their mouths.
10. This post is a mess
This stupid person would have had egg all over their face. But, luckily, they cracked the egg on their iPad. And then, much like Yankee Doodle, they called it macaroni. Well, they called it mac. And cheese. Which doesn’t make sense at all, because, like one of the commenters stated, that’s not a Mac. It’s an iPad. And, as another commenter noticed, that’s not cheese. It’s an egg. Eggs aren’t even dairy. Somebody put time and effort into this post, and it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. Bless their heart; they thought they were so clever for their non-pun.
9. *Gasp* What?!?!?!
“We have breaking news. According to experts, Halloween candy is bad for your teeth! Who would have thought it? And, in other news, grass is green, and water is very, very wet. Now, we take it over to Ivan Hendricks, who’s on the scene in Idaho. Ivan, tell us more about this specialist who claims the sky is blue… ”
Where’s that Nicholas Cage, “You don’t say” meme when you need it? Guys, look, it was real nice of you to put this whole presentation together for us, but what kind of rock are you living under where the people don’t already know that Halloween candy is bad for your teeth? We know it gives us gingivitis and cavities. We just don’t care. Now, say. Is that candy corn, back there? We want some. Hand it over.
8. Photoshopping done right
Alcohol is very tricky, because even though it makes you act like an idiot, it convinces you that it won’t. In fact, alcohol makes you think that it’s capable of turning you into a dance master with the vocal capabilities of Bono and the flirting skills of… someone with… really good flirting skills. Look, our point is, alcohol makes you think you’re cool, but then, it turns you into something that’s less than cool.
It was a super jackass move for alcohol to convince this girl that Photoshopping a picture of herself in bed was an appropriate picture to send to her mom. Sadly, it was also a super predictable consequence of consuming the devil’s water. Let that be a lesson to all of us *does a line of shots*
7. When morons text
Think about how much better life would be if stupid people didn’t have cell phones. Then the idiots would never be able to contact us! Life might actually be bearable if morons weren’t texting and/or calling us all hours of the day. Yeah. We like this idea. We are totally behind this. Let’s do it! Let’s find the stupid people and break all of their cell phones!
Hmm. Actually, that might be illegal. Maybe the better route would be the one this person took. While we probably shouldn’t destroy the phones of the stupid, we can definitely tell them that we lost our phone, and we can do it while we’re using the phone. They would buy that. They’re stupid! They would believe anything incredibly ridiculous, like “people think Adam Sandler is funny”.
6. In the shadow of stupidity
Shadows. What are they, really? And, do they really even exist? We can’t be sure. Over the years, hundreds of thousands of photographs have surfaced, taken by people who claim they’ve finally captured the elusive shadow on film. However, these photos are always far too grainy to give them credence, and many of them are faked. We may never know if this mysterious cryptid truly exists. Although, we can finally say for sure that Bigfoot exists. This friend of ours, Mountain Stan, he found a Bigfoot, well, foot caught in one of his traps. He keeps it in the freezer in his basement.
5. There’s a new superhero in town
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Stupid Man! Slower than the speed of light! More dimwitted than a hillbilly stoner! With his idiot prowess and his amazing powers of being able to open Internet Explorer after only two hours of trying, Stupid Man is dedicated to stopping intelligence, no matter what the cost! Whenever you see the stupid signal flashing in the sky, rest assure, good citizen, Stupid Man will be there! Look out, evil doers! Your intelligence is no match for Stupid Man!
We love Yahoo Answers. It’s been there to help us out when no one else could. But, geez Louise, there are some morons on there. What they ought to do is force people to take an IQ test before letting them sign up. That’d solve the problem.
4. Yeah. Canadians are the stupid ones. Right
You wouldn’t believe the number of times we facepalm every day. We actually bought a facepalm counter to track the number of times we literally can’t even. It works a lot like a pedometer. You just strap it onto your forehead, and go about your daily business. Then, before bed, you can take it off and read the screen, and it’ll tell you exactly how many times you’ve lost all hope in humanity for that day.
The facepalmometer is a useful gadget that makes counting facepalms easy. Plus, it’s allowed us to create a neat little chart, which illustrates the steady decline of faith in our fellow man over the past year. All that to say that after seeing this Facebook post by a next-level stupid user, our facepalm counter is in hyper drive.
3. There are better ways to bathe
It was when the large spinny things were dousing them with foamy, pink soap that these girls realized they had left their childish ignorance behind, and replaced it with mature adult ignorance. Which is actually not that great of an honor, to be honest. What you really want to replace your childish ignorance is sarcasm, indifference and common sense.
These scratches might leave scars. That means these girls are going to have to explain their stupidity to people for the rest of their lives. You know, Mozart was playing music when he was four. And Nikola Tesla designed an early version of his famous Tesla turbine when he was five. People have done amazing things while they were still young. But what did these girls do in their youth? They ran through a car wash. Brilliant.
2. Just keep walking, bike thieves
Heh heh. Those stupid bike thieves. They think they’re so smart. Well, let’s just see them figure out how to liberate this teenage girl’s bike. They’ll never be able to crack the code on this lock. It’s impenetrable.
This is so sad. See, when most of us do something stupid, it’s usually by accident. But this level of stupidity is so intense, it’s almost like the person who chained this bike was trying to be a moron. And when someone is making a concerted effort to be an idiot, all hope is lost. There’s no point in even trying to help them. All you can do is sit on the sidelines and watch as they douse themselves in the gasoline that is their ignorance, and laugh at them as they light a match.
1. A dangerous love
Love is not timid. It is not meek or subdued or passive. Love is sheer passion. Love is bold, sometimes imprudent, always true. It’s the strongest force on earth. Nothing can stand in its way. Bet you thought we were about to embark on a conversation about the meaning of love with that bit of Shakespeare like prose for an intro. But, no. We’re just talking about one man’s impractical love for chicken nuggets.
Sorry, romance fans. We hate to disappoint you. However, if you’re also a fan of breaded and fried bits of poultry, then we can offer you this fun fact—412 is the maximum number of chicken nuggets that the body can handle. Anymore than that, and you’ll start to lose control of your body. Do what you will with this knowledge.