Let’s face it, being female is hard. Between keeping our legs shaved, dodging catcalls, and navigating our media-driven modern landscape- it’s a total miracle that we’re all O-kay. Fortunately for us all, Twitter provides the perfect platform for airing our grievances, embracing our insecurities, and being social without actually having to leave the house.
After a long, hard day at work spent calculating how much quicker I could pay off my debts if I made as much money as my male counterparts, I like to escape to Twitter for some good old-fashioned LOL’s. There should be a Twitterverse award show for the most creative things people come up with in just 140 characters. But until that happens, these are just 15 of the funniest tweets from relatable women who understand the female experience and know how to make light out of it.
15. SO. MUCH. PRESSURE.
looking to get married and divorced by 45 so I can finally relax
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) November 1, 2016
If I had a dollar for every time someone in my family asked me when I planned on “settling down,” I’d be very “settled down” by now. And by settled, I mean on a private island somewhere in the Bahamas. There is an extraordinary pressure on women to get married. Almost like that’s the only reason we’re on earth for. Like if we are not wedded to someone by 25, then we’re not doing something right. So you can’t really blame a girl for seeing the appeal in getting it all over with in one full swoop. They say our 20’s are supposed to be our selfish years, but how are we expected to enjoy traveling solo around the world if every time we call home, our mom or our grandmother is asking if we have happened to have met someone yet? Maybe our 40’s will be our real selfish years.
14. Sometimes Coffee Just Doesn’t Cut It.
Look at that, I finished all the breakfast wine.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) November 9, 2016
I can think of few things worse than running out of breakfast wine.
While coffee is great and all, some mornings a girl needs something a little stronger to make it through her morning commute on public transit, or brunch with the family, or that particularly grueling overtime, weekend meeting. Contrary to your usual A.M. caffeination, an over-poured glass of Cabernet Sauvignon is perfect for forgetting all of your obligations, all the negativity in the news, or the fact that you took 234 selfies last night and none of them turned out. But if you want my opinion, you can avoid judgment from those who just don’t get it by referring to your breakfast wine as grape juice. It also helps if you don’t actually pour it into a wine glass, but use a regular glass, instead. For whatever reason, people can get a little weirded out by the sight of a long-stemmed glass beside their bacon and eggs. Don’t ask me why.
13. Adulting Is Hard.
Getting older means realizing how young you were at an age you previously thought was old.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 5, 2016
I have heard my therapist talk about it. She calls it the “age of invisibility.” She says that seemingly overnight, women go from being young and desirable to suddenly invisible (and yes, I’m currently making a mental note to find a new therapist).
While you and I (and anyone else reading this), probably don’t have to worry about reaching that age of invisibility anytime soon, it’s still in our womanly nature to lament on a time when shopping at Forever 21 felt natural. Getting older was supposed to be fun, because, look ma, no rules! But instead, it just means buying foundations with SPF in them, spending way too much money on miracle creams that promise our wrinkles to disappear, and doing a little happy dance (on the inside) when we get ID’d on a Friday night. Okay, that part is kind of fun! Welcome to adulthood.
12. Coconut Oil Cures All.
*shooting star passes by*
i wish i could be one of those people who buys a jar of coconut oil and it immediately solves all their problems
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) November 4, 2016
It’s okay to admit that you still wish upon shooting stars (I do, too).
It is also okay to admit that you’ve spent $27 on a jar of cold-pressed, unrefined, USDA certified organic coconut oil in hopes that it would help you get that promotion, heal your broken heart, lose those last five pounds, win the lottery, or otherwise. While coconut oil may not solve all of your problems immediately, it does have its benefits. You can use coconut oil as a natural moisturizer on your body, or as a nourishing mask for your hair. You can stir a tablespoon of coconut oil into your coffee for your daily dose of fatty acids, or even cook with it in a frying pan. Whatever you do, just don’t put it on your face, apparently, it enlarges your pores, and if there’s anything I’ve learned at Sephora, it’s that pores are a no no.
11. Spoiler Alert: Everyone IS Looking At Their phones.
Dance like everyone's looking at their phone.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) October 27, 2016
The good news: Everyone is looking at their phone. Why is that good news? Well, it means no one is looking at you, which, at first thought, may sound like bad news, but trust me, it’s good news because it means you can do your thing, girl. Bust a move, break a leg, do the Macarena- whatever. It feels good, right?
The bad news: Chances are, someone looked up from their phone for like, one millisecond and noticed you dancing like everyone’s looking at their phones, and because they had a smartphone on hand, they caught the whole thing on video. It will be up on social media within 37 seconds. Ahh, the age of social media. Isn’t it a beautiful thing? Enjoy it now before virtual reality takes over, and you won’t even need to leave your house in order to hit the dancefloor.
10. God Bless You.
I'm so out of touch with my emotions i thought i was about to burst into tears & it turned out to be a sneeze
— dr. dalia ☥ (@DALIAMALEK) September 19, 2016
Ever feel like you could cry after watching a commercial, or totally rage out over the fact that the barista misspelled your name (yet again) on your coffee cup, and now you have to go into a meeting and all your peers are going to wonder what your real name is?
No? Just me? K skip this one.
For all of you still with me, welcome to being a woman. While our hormones are wildly powerful and responsible for so much of what is beautiful about being a woman, our hormones are also crazy and can subsequently make us a little crazy at times. The important thing to note is that it’s normal to feel “out of touch” with your emotions every once and a while. Confusing a crying fit of hysteria with a sneeze is also normal.
9. It’s More Than Complicated.
when I was younger, love was complicated. now, it's like doing a Rubik's Cube drunk in the dark.
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) October 29, 2016
“Love is a Rubik’s Cube” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? I feel like someone should RT this tweet to Beyonce or maybe Taylor Swift? Maybe they can make an anthem out of it? As a product of divorce, I’ve always known love to be complicated. But coming from someone who has never successfully completed a Rubik’s cube puzzle, I had no idea that maintaining my relationship would mean pretending I cared about having my bed made. I also didn’t know that I would be required to actually speak my feelings out loud instead of assuming my significant other would automatically know them (I guess they’re not mind readers?). This whole love thing should be getting easier, not harder. I mean, it is 2016. I kind of just assumed everyone had already seen Mel Gibson’s “What Women Want.” But alas, here we are.
8. The Real Cheese-Winner.
My bf just yelled at me because I spent too much money on cheese
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) September 11, 2016
It’s been a long day at work. You’re exhausted. You got in another stupid argument with the guy from the office you loathe (the one who does pushups in his cubicle and makes you watch Youtube videos of things you don’t care about), and all you can think about is getting home, turning on Netflix, and having your significant other feed you the creamy French brie cheese you splurged on during your lunch break. And quite frankly, you deserve such frivolities. You deserve to be able to spend your hard-earned money on cheese if you so choose to. And any boyfriend who objects to such entitlement has clearly never had a coworker with a spatial awareness problem. All this to say, how much a woman spends on cheese is 100% her prerogative.
7. There Are Some Things You Just Don’t Mess With.
A woman cut in front of me at the store with a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart. I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 1, 2016
There’s something very comforting about the camaraderie of the female experience. For instance, I know I can show up to a girl’s night wearing my sweatpants, with four bottles of wine in my hand, and not be judged. In fact, more likely than being judged for my hormonal breakout or my mismatched socks, my girlfriends will all embrace me in a big hug and pull chocolate bars out of their purses because they know what’s going on.
While it’s not always easy being a woman, at least we can find solace in the fact that we make up 50% of the population and there’s a good chance one of us will be in line at a supermarket that you can totally cut in front of when you really need to.
6. The Universal “Please Don’t Talk To Me” Signal.
These air pod headphone things aren't visible enough to signal to men that I don't want them to talk to me
— Veronica de Souza (@HeyVeronica) September 7, 2016
I have recently been thinking about purchasing a pair of those gigantic, slightly obnoxious headphones that make everyone who wears them look like an amateur DJ. Not because I really care about the difference in sound quality, or because I’m trying to become a DJ. I’m considering such a purchase because it seems as though my little earbuds- the ones that came packaged with my phone, have become an, unfortunately, easily penetrable force against the unwanted male visitor and his cheesy pickup lines. If I am being perfectly honest, 90% of the time I have my earbuds in when I am in public, I am not actually listening to anything. I’m just using them as a buffer against the outside world, even though it only actually works 10% of the time. I think we need to make the universal “don’t talk to me” signal more universal.
5. There Are Rules, People.
If you're late to meet someone and they're scrolling Instagram it is against the law to interrupt
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 21, 2016
The first rule is obvious: never be late.
Honestly, I know there is that whole “fashionably late” movement, but I would much rather not show up at all than be late for something. That said, I am also an adult, and I realize that sometimes life happens (getting stuck in traffic, losing your keys, or trying to even out your winged eyeliner), so if you must be late, please, let’s be classy about it. And by “classy,” I mean, for goodness sake, let your friend finish scrolling through her Instagram feed before filling her in on your day, your latest drama or even trying to explain why you were late in the first place. The second rule should now, also, be obvious: If you are late, don’t you dare make your friend lose her spot in her feed by interrupting her scrolling.
4. Know Your Priorities.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought this wk will finally be ripe enough to eat between 8pm-8:15pm — so I can't #priorities
— Tanisha L. Ramirez (@TanishaLove) October 21, 2016
Being a female is hard enough, being an adult female is even harder. We’re responsible now. We buy our own groceries. We’re financially independent (and by independent, I mean broke). We have gym memberships and credit cards and spend Saturday’s at Ikea. Since joining the “real world,” we’ve learned the hard way that, in order to keep our head above water, we must prioritize. While honouring our priorities often requires us to make sacrifices, there’s a certain ease that comes over us when we can identify where our priorities lie and it becomes a whole lot easier to make some of the otherwise difficult decisions. For example, just last week I made the executive decision to buy a pair of $200 jeans, and now I can’t afford to buy groceries this week, because #priorities.
3. When Body Parts Go Out Of Style.
oh so i heard cleavage is over
where should i put my boobs
— Julia Bush (@jabush) November 3, 2016
I’d say the single most frustrating thing about being a woman is going to get a simple oil change and then being handed a $700 bill because “you’re a woman”, what could you possibly know about cars? But then I read that cleavage was going out of style, and I decided that the most frustrating thing about being a woman is when body parts completely unique to your sex go “out of style.”
It’s hard enough trying to achieve modern media’s impossible standards of what we should look like, how we should act, or what we should wear, but now we have to figure out what to do with our boobs. This is funny stuff, right? My advice, and probably the only thing we can do is to laugh about it. And then flaunt your beautiful cleavage, anyway.
2. Function Meets Fashion.
LIFE TIP: always wear a dress so you can eat more
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) August 11, 2016
Some people might look in my closet and think I’m a real girly-girl with all these pretty dresses hanging in a row. But the truth is, I’m just a very competitive eater. Whenever my boyfriend takes me out on a date, he mistakenly thinks I am getting all dolled up for him. But actually, I am wearing this slinky shift dress because it feels like pajamas and no matter how much food I eat at dinner, when the waiter comes around to offer us a dessert menu, you can bet I am saying yes. The only downside (if there is a downside), is it’s really easy to get carried away when you feel so free. With no waistband digging into your midsection to remind you of your limits, you may wind up too tired and too full to fulfill the rest of your date night activities.
1. It’s Funny Because It’s True.
Time to compare myself to people I don't know
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) October 13, 2016
Admit it; you laughed because you have totally been there. I love social media, but I’ll be the first to confess that I probably spend too much time on it. Most of it is harmless scrolling (like when someone is late to meet me, and I want to appear busy in a coffee shop while I wait for them), but I have also fallen into the deep rabbit hole of comparing myself to strangers on the internet after dark.
It is in this dark and twisty place that I find myself asking those existential questions like, why wasn’t I born with her hair? How can I achieve a thigh gap like hers? And how on earth does she get her eyebrows to cooperate like that? Sound familiar? Join the club. Your female experience is entirely normal.
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