The whole parenting thing, as we all know, is one tough gig. It’s like the most amazing grocery store sale one can imagine: Buy one responsibility, get 18 billion free. Whether anyone reading is a parent or they’ve heard horror stories from other parents (like their own, for instance), they’re surely aware of this.
Someone could be a first-time parent or just had their fifth, it’s kind of immaterial really. There are going to be all manner of surprises, upsets, and “what the heck do I do about this” moments that they never saw coming. All we can do is just try and deal, like every other parent on the planet is trying to do.
Nevertheless, there are certain pitfalls you can predict or can prepare for. One very early one is not to set your child up for a lifetime of hating their parents by giving them an awful name. Check out these 15 people whose parents named them the worst thing possible.
Now, let’s not be too snarky here. Fair is fair and give credit where it’s due. This girl is rocking those Easter bunny ears like nobody has ever rocked a pair of bunny ears before. So there is definitely some excellent work there.
If we’re really going for the whole “glass-half-full” outlook, we could also say that this name has a kind of intellectual merit. When it comes time to start learning to read and write, having the first five letters of the alphabet right there as your darn name is a minor boon I guess. I do wonder how this one came about, though. A lot of parents like to consult baby name books in the hope that something just fits for them. In this case, I suppose some of the pages stuck together or something. These things happen.
One very popular route to go down, when it comes to names for a child, is naming them after a family member or somebody dear to them. While this is always a welcome tribute for the person concerned, you’ll sometimes offend other family members by choosing the ‘wrong’ name, and start petty little squabbles between in-laws and that sort of thing. It’s a big old mess, and in-laws can be enough of a pain in the a** as it is. This is one of the reasons that people sometimes opt for less traditional names.
After all, is ‘Bagel’ anything but neutral? Are these parents likely to receive b*tchy phone calls from another baked good, who would rather the child be named Croissant or Chocolate Chip Cookie? You’re damn right they’re not. Wise move.
Now, in and of itself, there’s nothing unusual or terrible about the name Chase at all. As both a given name and a surname, it’s quite popular, especially in the U.S. You’ve got Chase Utley the baseball player, Chase Crawford the actor, Chase Daniel the quarterback, Chase Bank, Chevy Chase… If I haven’t built a case for the name Chase by now, friends, then there’s just no pleasing you.
The fact is, there’s more to naming than merely the name itself. You’ve got to think about the context, too. This person’s neighbor didn’t seem to consider that issue, and so this happened. In this case, neither man nor beast got the positive end of the deal. At least the son wasn’t named Snickers, though.
12. Twilight Sparkle
If there’s one thing that the Twilight franchise takes a lot of snarky slack for (and there are several), it’s the whole ‘sparkling’ thing. Typically, the vampire mythos is a dark, gothic, garlic-fearing, heavily-accented place; an image that was cemented by Bela Lugosi’s iconic performance way back in the thirties.
Suddenly, decades later, Robert Pattinson came along and obliterated that in all of his sparkly glory. I’m sure old Bela is rolling in his grave, wearing that Dracula cape he was buried in (or so the legend goes).
11. La-a (La-Dash-A)
Now, I don’t know about you guys, but where I come from, that’s a hyphen right there. It’s a handy little symbol that’s used to separate words and syllables, and also appears in math as the minus sign. There’s nothing this multi-talented little thing can’t do.
There are, however, several things that it shouldn’t do. And one of those things, just off the top of my head, would be appearing in somebody’s name pronounced ‘dash.’ Again, double-barreled names aren’t unusual by any stretch of the imagination, but nobody tends to pronounce the hyphen. Or rather, the dash.
10. Jed I Knight
Well, now, this is a new one. So far in this countdown, we’ve looked at plain old-fashioned eccentric-for-the-sake-of-it names. There’s much more that goes into truly making a name the worst thing ever besides that, though. You’ve got to think outside of the box, consider all of the opinions, and make a name one big pun while you’re at it. Sometimes, it takes all three of somebody’s names to make that happen, but it can be done.
Step forward, then, Jed I Knight. Jed itself is a fine name, as is the surname Knight. His middle name beginning with the letter ‘I’ could be something fine as well, like Isaac or Ian, and thus none of the components are bad at all. Take it all as a whole, though, and you’ve got a brilliantly cheap Star Wars joke, which is never cool, even if the boy does look a fair bit like Anakin Skywalker.
9. Ya’ Hyness
When it comes to nicknames, there’s an unwritten rule that has been drummed into us since kindergarten. That rule is as follows: you can’t choose your own name. You may have wanted to be know as something cool like Shadow, Princess, or Wildcat, but the rest of your class thought something like ‘That Kid Who Pees Their Pants’ would be more fitting. Those are the breaks, and that’s just what you get stuck with.
Alternatively, I guess you could hope that your parents decide, in a moment of madness, to choose a nickname as a given name for you. Ya’ Hyness (apostrophe included) sounds like something a whole generation of kids would want to be called, but it’d lose its luster a bit when you’re a thirty-something career person.
8. Rusty Kuntz
The first thing that bears mentioning here is the name Rusty. That’s a bold, avant garde sort of move. Not many Russells can pull ‘Rusty’ off successfully, and even fewer generally choose to. I salute you, sir.
Still, that’s really not the crux of the matter. As I say, some names are only deeply questionable as a whole. It’s not just about the given name or the surname. When you combine the two, beautiful, impossible, and utterly ridiculous things can happen. I’m sure Rusty Kuntz had a super smooth ride through high school, for instance.
Now, I’m a huge beef burger fan. I don’t have any problem admitting that to anyone. Friends, family, the Internet at large, Beef-a-holics Anonymous, whoever. This is me, and I am proud.
Even for ardent fast food fans like myself, though, there’s got to be a limit. A line in the sand that we will not and cannot cross. It can be hard for us to define just where that line should be, as this is largely a personal matter. If you were to ask me for a rule of thumb, however, I’d probably go for this: naming your son Beef.
So far, over the course of this list, we’ve concentrated on one particular method of eccentric naming: Just plain old opting for something unusual. Celebrities love themselves a bit of this; why else would people like Kim and Kanye opt for something like North West?
There’s another technique which is gaining popularity lately. You can name your child something completely conventional, but make sure to butcher the spelling. Caitlin is a perfectly respectable, commonly-used name (my partner and I have already picked it out for our first daughter, in fact). The drawback of it being a popular choice is that it’s just not special enough for some snowflakes. What do you do in that case? You spell it in the style of chunky-** English monarch Henry VIII, that’s what.
5. Les McBurney
Some things, I like to think, we’re fated to happen. A lot of these are the sorts of things that people tend to dismiss as coincidences, but there must be more to it than that. Open your minds a little and consider that, just sometimes, these uncanny things happen for a reason.
Ancient legends speak of Les McBurney. Thousands of years before he was even conceived, the world had plans for him. A text was found in the depths of an Ancient Egyptian pyramid, which reads (roughly translated from the original Hieroglyphics), “McBurney? McBURNey? That guy’s going to be a firefighter and make it no mistake. Give it a few thousand years, and you’ll see. That’s the only name for him.”
4. Cookie Facey
I don’t know about you, but this one looks like a winner to me. This name is sure to be popular, right? After all, if Disney’s taught me anything, it’s that every little girl likes milk and cookies. Who among us can honestly say that they don’t want cookies in their face right now? WHO?
Nobody, that’s who. As such, there’s probably some logic behind this one. Just a dash. If you want to help your child along that tough journey of making friends and forging relationships, name them something nice…something welcoming. If I ever have the fortune of meeting this person, or anybody else named Cookie Facey, you can bet that making friends with them is going to be my number one priority. I can’t wait to introduce them to people.
3. Hashtag Jameson
The hashtag has undeniably become an essential element of our modern world. There was a time, back in the days of flip phones and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, that I had no idea what this curious symbol on my cell phone was. You never really used the thing or even saw it very often.
Today, however, this once-obscure symbol is a superstar. Many of us get most of our daily news from hashtags and their contents. We communicate in hashtags. We eat, sleep, and breathe hashtags. In a way, then, this unfortunate moniker is just a way of paying due homage to our glorious lord and master, the almighty hashtag. But, heck, I guess it’s easy to say that when you’re not the one who’s been lumbered with the name.
My main gripe with the previous name, Hashtag, was that it was for a girl. This wasn’t my only gripe, mark you, but there it is. It hardly had a feminine ring to it, did it? I know that androgynous names are becoming more and more popular, too, but come on. ‘Hashtag’ was a tough enough sell as it was.
On the other hand, it’s equally possible to go way too far in the opposite direction. Twilight Sparkle, which we’ve also seen on this list, is dialing the femininity up to 11. And then there’s Uteraz, which is, when it comes to feminine names, a little too on the nose for my liking. But never mind all of that. The real question about this one is, is that pronounced Ja-dash-nicia?
And so we arrive at the final entry in this list. To ensure that I did it justice, I trawled the Internet for the greatest, most melodramatic and bombastic name I could possibly find, and finally arrived at the mother—the true Mary Poppins—of all baby names.
That’s right, friends. As the clipping states, these parents decided to celebrate the birth of the first girl in their growing family by naming her Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. This word, interestingly, actually predates the movie that popularized it, and doesn’t have its roots there as some believe.
It’s certainly not something you hear every day, though, that’s for darn tooting. As a name, too, it’s certainly unique. You’ve got to feel for the child when she learns to write, though, and has to attempt to spell it.
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