You is kind, you is smart, you is a human who makes a hell of a lot of mistakes. Don’t worry, pal, it’s alright. We’re all in the same boat on this one. Everybody screws up sometimes. But, some of us screw up way more than others. That sounds bad, but if you look at it a certain way, it can be a good thing, because these über screw ups help make us everyday screw ups look good. So, in summary, thanks, total disappointments! You guys rock!
When these disappointing people get together, they have a tendency to do things that don’t make a whole lotta sense. Things that make us scratch our heads. They’re just chock full of WTF. You’ll see what we mean when you take a look at these 15 pictures that raise more questions than answers.
15. Schwinn’s new Baby Cow bike
“And this, of course, is Schwinn’s new Baby Cow model 10 speed. This design has been totally streamlined, and covered in a thick layer of hide. They’ve removed the two wheels in order to make room for these four legs and, as you can see, there is a cloven hoof attached to the end of each one. There are no brakes with this model. However, there is a tail, but it doesn’t do anything other than look cute, so, that’s something you’ll have to consider before you choose the right bike. The upside is, there’s no need for a bike bell with this model. Every so often, it’ll make this “mooo” sound. I guarantee people will get out of your way when they see you cruising up on this one!” – The sales guy trying to sell this Schwinn Baby Cow
14. This sign was found on Confusion Road
Listen, we don’t know what you people are on about. This sign really couldn’t be clearer. Just read it, why don’t you? It says, right there, “Right lane”—that’s the lane on the right—”must right”—that means go right—”left”—that means go lef… wait. Hang on a minute. “Right lane must right left”? But, that doesn’t make any sense! What the heck is this sign trying to say? Should we go left, or should we go right? What’s going on?!
How many car crashes must this sign be responsible for, anyway? We can’t make heads or tails of it, and there’s no way we’re the only ones confused by it. We’re not that stupid, no matter what our high school English teacher said. Well, forget this. We’ll just take our new Schwinn Baby Cow instead.
13. You don’t want us to have any fun
Well, thanks for the advice, clickbait, but we’re not a bunch of mad scientists, over here. And, we’re not rich enough to afford spare iPhones just so we can boil them in crayons. It’s pretty safe to assume we’re not going to be doing this at any point in our lives, ever. We appreciate the concern. It’s very nice of you. But, there’s really no need to worry. In fact, we’re worried about you. What’s going on, man? You doing okay? You seem to be making a bunch of crazy assumptions.
12. Spongebob’s hit hard times
Like most celebrities once their star has faded, when SpongeBob’s hit TV series was canceled, he hit rock bottom. The sudden loss of identity caused Mr. SquarePants to turn to drugs, in an attempt to cope with his dissipating sense of self-worth. His former costar, Squidward Tentacles, hooked him up with a dealer. “The first one’s free,” the dealer told SpongeBob. All it took was one little taste, and, bam, he was addicted.
He doesn’t “live in a pineapple under the sea” anymore. These days, SpongeBob spends his time in this crackhouse, getting high. He’s traded in his full time position at the Krusty Krab for a meaningless existence stealing electronics and fencing them to feed his ecstasy habit. Sandy Cheeks and Patrick Star had planned an intervention, but SpongeBob refused to be put into rehab.
11. When vegans go grocery shopping
We think we heard about this guy in math class one time. Yeah, he was mentioned on an old test. It says right here, “Jared went to the store and, because he didn’t realize that he was an actual adult, and that nobody could force him to eat a bunch of gross vegetables if he didn’t want to, he bought a gross sh*t ton of broccoli. If Jared gives each a quarter of his broccoli to each of his friends as a gift, how fast do they ditch him in order to find a better friend who knows how good presents work?”
10. He’s fabulous
Why? Why do we need to “BEWARE” of the jumping gay walrus? Is he fabulous? Are you trying to tell us that we need to shield our eyes from the spectacularity, the unrivaled adorablosity of this gay walrus? Is it because he’s wearing too much glitter? Is it because he just woke up and he hasn’t had his coffee yet, so he’s going to be a bit grumpy? What? What’s the deal?
We went to Sea World one time, and they had a gay walrus. He did tricks. If you gave him a fish, he would snap his flipper in a Z formation, then dish about you with his girlfriends over some champagne coolies. He didn’t jump, though, which, now that we know they can, is kind of a disappointment.
9. When you sit on it, it oinks
How many times has this happened to you? You’re sitting at home, high as SpongeBob in a crackhouse, and you ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” Uh, no. We mean, you ask yourself, “What must the lovechild of a pig and a couch look like?” Well, wonder no more, friends! We finally have an answer to that age old question!
Really, person who typed up this Craigslist ad? Is this really the “coolest couch” we’ve ever seen? Because, that’s not how we would describe it at all. We were just thinking this was the most disturbing, most nightmare-inducing couch we’d ever beheld, and that you couldn’t pay us to take it. Hey, that’s just us, though. Maybe some people like velvet swine sofas.
8. Grandpa’s pants did it
Ah. Yep, it looks like Grandpa’s pants tried to smother him while he was driving, again. That’s the second time that’s happened this week. We’ve tried and tried to tell Pop Pop that he needs to put those pants in their place (i.e., around his hips, where they belong, not up around his collar bones), but he just won’t listen to us, stubborn old coot. He thinks he knows everything.
We have a feeling these two escaped the nursing home, stole a nurse’s car and hightailed it outta there, reaching dangerous speeds of 15 MPH, with their left blinker on the whole time. It looks like they just dozed off, and slammed into that fence over there and, well, you can pretty much guess what happened after that.
Why, though? If you go to the trouble of naming the entire family of otters after food, why take one and name him Kevin? Maybe Kevin is a type of food that we’ve never heard of before? Although, we highly doubt that. We’re not professional chefs or anything, but when you eat as much as we do, you’ve pretty much heard of it all. And, of all of the dishes we’ve tried out, we ain’t never heard of no Kevin.
If we were to make our own dish called Kevin, it would definitely be something potatoey. We’re thinking like a pot pie type deal, with veggies and meat on the bottom, and a thick layer of mashed potatoes on the top. Mmm. Kevin pot pie. That sounds delicious.
6. He was born with two sets of hands, so it’s okay
When you’ve got to pick up your kid from soccer practice at seven, but you have to perform a violin solo in your amateur orchestra concert at eight. It’s admirable that this guy is so committed to learning how to play an instrument. Look at him, he’s obviously got a lot on his plate. What with work and the kids, he barely has free time, let alone time to practice “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”
You know, you can take multitasking too far. If you’re at the point where you’re having to drive with your feet just so you can play a stringed instrument, then you should consider ditching one of your other hobbies. Why not get rid of your kid, so you can focus solely on your musical interests?
5. Stop it with your riddles, pill bottle
Hey! *Snaps fingers to get your attention* You. Yeah, you, ya big dope. We’re talking to you. See this label? Whatever you do, don’t read it. It’s too dangerous. It doesn’t make no kind of sense. If you try to make heads or tails out of it, you’re going to wind up giving yourself an aneurysm. Just keep scrolling, fam.
What does it mean when a medicine’s instructions are so complicated that we need another medicine to counteract the effects of having read the instructions of the original medicine? What does it mean that that sentence was just as confusing as the instructions on this pill bottle? We can’t figure out how this thing works, so we guess we’re just gonna die from whatever condition these pills are supposed to treat.
4. Savory, delicious murder
We could see killing a guy over a cheeseburger. Not, like, literally, but definitely literally. Especially if it was a Dairy Queen cheeseburger. Or, no, wait. A Whataburger cheeseburger. Oh *drools* oh, yeah, we would commit so many homicides to get one of those things. They’re to die for. Ha ha ha! Get it? To die for? Because we would kill someone to get one? Ha ha—look, let’s just move on.
This Tumblr user is right, there are a whole lot of ways this cheeseburger stabbing might’ve gone down. What if the assassin stabbed his victim with a cheeseburger? How does that work? We’re not trying to promote murder or anything, but it seems like there are better ways to kill people than via cheeseburger. Just sayin’.
3. Still a better love story than ‘Twilight’
Hang on, everyone, we have to see if the plastic spoon our mom packed in our lunch for our pudding will be strong enough to gouge our own eyes out. *Shoves spoon into corner of eye, it snaps in half* Damn. That didn’t work. Now, we’re stuck having to look at this. We know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but we’re making an exception, this time.
What. The. Actual. Crap. What are we looking at? How is this a book? What sort of romance could these two possibly have—actually, no. We’re not going to finish that question. We don’t want to know the answer to it. Look, just… just take this book, find the hottest volcano possible, and throw it in. Please. Do it for us.
2. Cracker catastrophe
You can’t tell us that Cheez-Its are banned, and not tell us why. That’s just wrong! You better come up with something good, sign, because we aren’t leaving here until we know why cheesy crackers are not allowed in the cafeteria. Take your time, fam. We can wait here all day. We got nothin’ but time.
Maybe some kid made a food bomb out of Cheez-Its. Or, maybe, some other kid got one shoved up his nose, and the teacher sent him to the nurse’s office, but she couldn’t get it out of his nostril with a pair of tweezers, so they had to call his mom so she could take him to the ER, and now the school might have a lawsuit, so they banned any of the other kids from having Cheez-Its, and, thanks a lot, Carl.
1. “Ewe” won’t believe this
Whoa, dude. A locked chest in an inherited house? What sort of marvelous treasures must be hiding inside, do you think? Could it be a set of elaborate, expensive jewels? Or, perhaps, it’s a collection of rare baseball cards and stamps, worth a small fortune in today’s market. Then again, there’s a chance that it might be a set of genealogical papers that prove that the person related to the deceased owner of the box is actually royalty!
Wow, there’s just so many epic things that might be inside of this box! Where’s the key? We’ve got to pry this sucker open and find out what kind of treasure it’s holding! Oh. A picture of a sheep on a rock. That’s cool. We guess. Well, at least the sheep looks happy.