Today, we’re going to be talking about trolls. No, not the kind of trolls that play the part of antagonist in so many fairy tales. And definitely not those awful toys from the ’90s with the withered, horrifying faces and the multicolor hair. We’re talking specifically about internet trolls. So strap in.
Trolling is more than making fun of people or trying to get them into a tizzy. Trolling is an art. A skill. A vocation that only the most sarcastic of the smartasses can succeed in. True, we all have the capacity to become epic trollers. But we don’t all reach our potential. That’s why when we see someone trolling someone else with deftness and agility, we stop for a moment and pay attention so that we might learn their ways. Pick up a thing or two about the art of trolling by looking at these 15 savage people who should win an award for trolling.
15. The ultimate backseat driver
The following conversation was caught on the in-car camera of a vehicle belonging to Ms. Dana Gilman, owner and operator of Gilman’s Driving School:
“Okay, Travis, I want you to start making your way for the freeway. You’re going to exit just up ahead.”
“Ms. Gilman? The van in front of me is trolling me. What should I do?”
“Oh, don’t worry, Travis. This sort of thing happens all the time. A guy starts his own business, thinks he’s being clever and gets a smart Alec decal for the back of his work vehicle. It’s no big deal. We covered this on last week’s worksheet, just remember your training. Now, what did I say about dealing with Trolls?”
“Uhhhh, that I should engage in a heated chat room argument with them in which there is no winner and we both come off looking like jackasses?”
14. Confuse Man is confusing
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s . . . it’s . . . man, we don’t know what it is. We’re just so damn confused. Ah! We know why we’re feeling so confused. It’s because it’s not a bird or a plane. It’s Confuse Man! Confuse Man is beloved for his ability to troll weary, jetlagged flyers, and to confound wayward parachutists. Of course, Confuse Man doesn’t limit himself to only trolling travelers, and this painted roof isn’t the only way that Confuse Man confounds people. He’s a black belt troller and a master confuser, the likes of which Milwaukee—sorry, we mean “Cleveland”—has never born witness to before.
Whenever a poster on a message board says something benign and innocent, Confuse Man will be there to incite an argument. Whenever someone thinks they’re so smart, Confuse Man will be one step ahead of them. Look out, evildoers. Confuse Man is here to troll the day!
13. The cruelest Youtube commenter of all
It’s still out for debate whether or not rickrolling is a hilarious way to troll people or not. We would wager that it is, because, honestly, can you think of anything funnier than convincing people that the link they’re clicking on is going to send them to a vintage My Little Pony ad on eBay, when in reality it’s just going to take them to a video of Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up?” We can’t.
But this YouTube commenter has taken rickrolling to the next level. He doesn’t just want to troll the average internet user. He wants to troll the very operators of YouTube. Such a savage undertaking should not be dealt with lightly. Indeed, most would say that something as brutal as this shouldn’t even be spoken of. And yet, we can’t shake this mental image of a bunch of YouTube employees scouring this 10-hour video of Rickrolling for nudity.
12. But is it art?
Another thing that’s still out for debate is whether or not abstract art is actually art. We mean, sure, you can glue some random crap to wire and suspend it from the ceiling, but does that really make it a mobile? And, yeah, you could sculpt a naked woman with a bucket of fish out of eight hundred pounds of butter, but does that make it a masterpiece? The point that we’re trying to make is that there are a lot of people making a whole lot of nonsense, sticking their “creations” in museums and charging us twenty bucks to look at it. If that’s not a scam, then we don’t know what is.
While we’re of the mind that abstract artists are actually just humongous trolls, we do appreciate this young prodigy’s take on the situation. You can “see what the artist was going for” all you want. But this youngster is calling bullsh*t.
11. #Pwned by Grandma
“This one’s from me, dearie.”
“Aw, GramGram! You didn’t have to do that.”
“Oh, kerfuffle and nonsense! I know I didn’t have to, I wanted to. Open it up!”
“Okay. It appears to be some kind of envelope. Is it a card of some sort? Haha, GramGram, I’m just teasing! Here, let me open this thing up right quick. ‘It’s not everyday that I get to give someone a hundred dollars.’ GramGram! I can’t believe you! You’re giving me a hundred bucks for my birthday?! Oh, GramGram, I knew it was a good decision not to put you in a home! Oh, gee! Oh, wow! A hundred dollars! I can finally buy that—oh. ‘It’s not today, either.’ Wow. Haha. Very funny, GramGram. You got me. It’s not a hundred, it’s just a couple of twenties. Gee, that’s, uh. That’s swell. Say, while I’m here, GramGram, let’s look at these nursing home brochures.”
10. iSee what you did there
When you mix wise guys with technology, you have to expect this sort of thing to happen. Honestly, we’re just surprised that this hasn’t happened up until now. We don’t know if we should be sad that there aren’t more gadget-related puns, or if we should respect everyone’s self-control to not make these puns.
It’s always nice to see an internet user take it upon themselves to go to extreme measures all for the sake of making an elaborate pun. We admire this person’s handiwork. They had to buy an apple and an orange. They had to take the time to carve each piece of fruit up precisely so that he could arrange the remains just so. Then, he had to snap a picture, upload it to the information super highway and try to dodge the endless stream of retaliation from everyone else on the web as they revolted against his punny tyranny.
9. What we’d all like to do to Twilight
We’re not on Team Edward or on Team Jacob. No. Instead, we’re on Team For The Love Of All That Is Holy, Burn That Sh*tty Book And Bury It In The Backyard. And we aren’t the only team members. Stop and ask anyone on the street, and you’ve got a 97% chance of meeting someone else who thinks the same way that we do.
Some people argue that the Twilight book series is a wonderful addition to modern literature. And it’s those people who make us sit back and thank our lucky stars that there are medical professionals who are willing to follow in Doctor Kavorkian’s footsteps. Just kidding, just kidding! Well, only sort of. Because, let’s face it: if you’re the kind of person who thinks that sparkly vampires are sexy, you deserve to be trolled. And you know what? The MIT Science Fiction Society agrees with us.
8. Dad the Troll King
Wow. Killer tattoo, Ann. A knife. That’s so original. And the detail is amazing. Good choice, going for a wrist tattoo. You won’t regret it. Yep, your new tattoo rocks. It’s really great. We love it, we really do. It looks so nice. But, you know? We can’t help but think that it would be a real shame if some sarcastic dad were to come along and . . . troll it.
Parents are a treasure. Moms, because they support us and comfort us. Dads, because they troll the ever-living sh*t out of us and make us sorry that we were ever born. The caring effects of a mom and the couldn’t care less effects of a dad combine beautifully to provide us with an unforgettable parental experience. So we raise our glasses to this dad, the king of the trolls. May his sassy-ness and snark only improve with age.
Well, that’s it. Our pants are wet. And there go our years of therapy. Yep. Right out the window. All of the nightmares that we’ve had over the years are rushing back into our minds. And, ironically, it’s not because they want to scare us. It’s because they want to comfort us and protect us from this hellish beast.
When you’re able to troll people from so young an age, you know that you’re destined for greatness. Any kid who thinks to put a pair of old boxer shorts on their head, and stick a creepy ass mannequin head to their crotch is capable of wonderful, terrible things. Judging by the picture, we think this snapshot happened in the late ’80s to ’90s, and that means that this little trolling scamp is all grown up today. We would love to know what she’s up to. We bet she’s a troll superstar.
6. The truth hurts
Of all of the daytime children’s TV antagonist, none have garnered such strong hatred as the unlikable, undeserving and unbearable animated toddler, the accursed Caillou. Many years ago, this seemingly cute little boy started out as a sweet child. With a good heart and a willingness to learn, Caillou taught kids valuable lessons and educated them about being a good person.
Eventually, however, Caillou’s creators decided to take things in another direction. They grew weary of writing stories about a nice, sweet little boy that people liked. Being the trolls they are, they thought it was time to give people an annoying Caillou. A Caillou that complained about everything. A Caillou that back-sassed his parents. A Caillou that was rude to his siblings. We all hate this Caillou. Thank goodness one internet troll took it upon him/herself to make it known that Caillou is a worthless little bastard who doesn’t deserve love. Or hair.
5. Shots fired
Maybe if you hadn’t been so busy imagining dragons, you would have been able to imagine what would happen if you put your fist through that drum. Didn’t think of that, did you Mr. Reynolds? No. Of course not. Because you weren’t thinking about anything but yourself. It’s about time you start examining your actions, Mr. Reynolds. You need to take a good look inside—because it’s where your demons hide—and you need to determine if punching drums and getting wrist surgeries is the way you want to live your life.
Of course, we shouldn’t dismiss the possibility that the real reason why his wrist broke wasn’t because he shoved it into a drum. But rather, it was because his body was tired of him sporting that terrible hairdo, and it was trying to make him see reason. Did we just troll the lead singer of Imagine Dragons? Yes. Yes we did. Fight us about it.
4. Dad is not amused
You thought you were a diva? Wait ’til you see your dad be a diva. He will own you, princess. He’ll take one look at your flower crown filter pic and laugh at the screen of his phone before snapping a photo of himself with a real flower crown. You may be a grown up now, but you are never too old to be trolled by your parents. Remember that.
Fortunately, while your mom and dad will always be there to troll you throughout the course of your life, as it happens, trolling is genetic. So it’s very likely that you have inherited their incredible trolling skills. It’s important to practice these skills early and often. You want to hone your abilities so you and your parents can have trolling matches. Plus, if you’re going to be on the internet, it’s always a good idea to know how to #own people.
3. When Pokémon attack!
LOL. Dude got owned by a Magikarp. Hurts, don’t it? Good luck catching ’em all now, since you just offended an entire race of Pokémon. You’re a failure trainer, and a disgrace to the name of Pokémon GO. Time to turn in your badge, son. We can’t afford to have guys like you on the force. We need good players. Decent players. Players who are willing to catch any Pokémon, regardless of its species. This blatant diss of the Magikarp is a wanton display of an underlying racism problem that you need to have addressed.
Some will say that this Magikarp shouldn’t have been so harsh with this idiot guy. But we think the opposite is true. The Magikarp was candid in his aggression, and we think he could’ve been even more aggressive. You mess with the Magikarp, you get the troll. It’s about time this little punk learned what’s up.
2. The birth of Angus Allbeef Frankfurter
“A bun in the oven” is a euphemism for pregnancy. But for Mary Anne Frankfurter, it was more than just a silly phrase. After a year-long struggle with infertility, Mary Anne Frankfurter finally conceived. When she went to have her first ultrasound, she learned that she had a bun in the oven—specifically, a hotdog bun. Also, there was a hotdog. It was weird.
The doctors offered to terminate the pregnancy, but Mary Anne refused. “No,” she said. “I’m going to have this baby—er, hotdog. I’m going to love him, and name him and serve him with shredded cheese, freshly chopped onion and just a drizzle of mustard.” Some mothers—women with human babies—mocked Mary Anne. They said that giving birth to a hotdog was the “wurst” decision she could possibly make. But when she held little Angus Allbeef Frankfurter in her arms for the first time, Mary Anne knew she’d done the right thing.
1. Troller, troll thyself
“Quick show of hands, who here has been trolled? Okay, that’s one, two, three—okay, all of us. Everyone here has been trolled at some point in their lives. Very good. Now, who here has ever trolled someone else? One, two, three—so, a bit more than half of you. Right. Very good. Last question, and then we can put an end to the trolling focus group. Who here has ever trolled themselves? Anybody? Gary, you have your hand raised. Could you explain to the group how you managed to troll yourself?”
“Alright, here goes. This one time, I don’t really remember why, but I set up a word document telling myself that I hid money under my mattress. When I read it a few years later, I got super pumped, and went to look under my bed. All that was there was a post-it note that said, ‘just kidding.'”
*uncontrollable laughter from everyone else in the group*
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