Back in the days before social media and rampant online oversharing, secrets were a whole lot…simpler. You either kept them or you didn’t, and they generally never left your own small social circle. Now, we have Whisper. The highly addictive app allows users to anonymously broadcast their deepest, darkest, weirdest secrets to the entire world. To top it off, the “confessions” are superimposed over a randomly selected stock photo—with occasionally hilarious results. Some confessions are sweet, some are deeply disturbing, and most are pretty darn funny.
The best thing about Whisper is the voyeuristic pleasure we get out of taking a peak into others’ lives—especially their love lives (or lack theirof). From sordid affairs to bedroom blunders to bizarre fetishes, there’s no shortage of relationship drama on Whisper. We don’t always know the whole story—and that’s kind of the point—but we can say one thing for certain: The following 15 people are definitely now single.
15. The “A” student
It’s great to see that giving things the good ol’ college try is still working out for today’s fresh-faced coeds. Unfortunately for this recent grad, those late-night study sessions don’t seem to have imparted her with any professorly wisdom. While putting out for a passing grade may keep the GPA up, it doesn’t do much in the way of career preparation—and it most certainly won’t help her relationship with her boyfriend.
Whether or not this girl’s cuckolded college sweetheart ever learns of his love’s scandalous study habits, we highly doubt that this couple will last. A person who is willing to sleep with her professor for a passing grade—even at the risk of ruining her relationship—generally isn’t what we would call marriage material.
14. The multi-tasker
Definitely the disturbing confession of a single man, we are going to go out on a limb and say that someone with these types of hygienic habits is probably still single. First of all, scrubbing your undies with a little bit of shampoo is not anywhere near the same as putting them through a full wash cycle with actual detergent. Second of all, this guy is talking about hand-wringing an article of clothing that has been rubbing up against his sweaty junk all day. No thank you.
A word of advice to all the lonely bachelors out there looking for love: Buck up, hit the laundromat and wash your clothing like a grown man. Ladies will love it, and you won’t end up with poo fingers.
13. The unsuspecting stepmom
Oops. Either this woman’s partner hit the sperm bank without giving her warning, or she’s secretly been putting in some late-night practice with the opposite team. Whatever the scenario, it doesn’t seem to bode well for this couple.
Surprise pregnancies are a popular confession on Whisper, but this takes things to a whole new level. We’re pretty sure that no one’s going to mistake this Whisper user for the baby daddy. For the sake of the child, we hope that these two women can work out their differences and provide a happy home for the little guy. Planned pregnancies that don’t include one’s significant other in the planning process are never cool, but hey, welcome to the weird and wild world of 21st century dating.
12. The closet rocker
OK, so we can’t say for certain that this guy is single. There’s always the outside chance that he chose not to tell his girlfriend he’s a Nickelback fan, after all. If he did, though, we’re pretty sure he’s probably at home alone right about now crying into his Miller Lite while watching VH1 Behind the Music.
We’re all for complete honesty and openness when it comes to confiding in our partners—except, that is, when it comes to Nickelback. In that case, we advise adhering to a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. It’ll save you the grief of once again having to defend your highly suspect musical taste, and it will save the rest of us from having to remember that that terrible, god-awful band ever existed.
11. The cookie monster
This is one of those things that only sounds kind of sadly cute and funny on the internet. Then you see some slob licking cookie crumbs off of their phone in a public place and you think, “Holy sh*t, no wonder this person is still single.”
So if you are reading this, cookie-loving phone-licker, no, it is not OK to greedily slobber all over your handheld devices. This is what we have wet wipes for. Next time you drop some cookie on your phone, just think, “How badly do I really need that last piece of white chocolate macadamia.” If, however, you already tuned out halfway through this paragraph to daydream about spooning snickerdoodles, then…best of luck to you both.
10. The family man
Oh, what a tangled web we weave! Every magician knows the power some well-executed misdirection, and this sneaky spouse seems to have perfected that art. His wife thinks that he’s sleeping with her sister, all the while leaving him completely in the clear to partake in a little brotherly love.
We’re big proponents of the open expression of sexuality regardless of race, gender or orientation, but when it comes to sibling swapping, we’re gonna have to draw the line. Dishonesty in a relationship is never cool—especially not when it involves an affair with your spouse’s brother. Our advice to this misguided family man? He needs to come clean to his wife before the next family party turns into a Jerry Springer-style sibling smackdown.
9. The gas man
We have to admit that we’re with the unabashed flatulence fan on this one. Excuse our inner-five-year-old selves, but we completely agree that a well-timed one-cheek sneak can still be comedic gold—in the right situation. However, when it comes to finding love, we always pass on gas.
Whatever happened to some fragrant oils and scented candles to set the mood? We get it. It’s the 21st century and chivalry is dead. But that doesn’t mean it should smell like something else died inside your bed chamber. So, if you’re just looking to pull a gag, go ahead and ask her to pull your finger. But if you’re looking for lasting love, make sure to follow this mantra: Have a heart, please don’t fart!
8. The constant honeymooner
This Whisper confession went from romantic to revolting faster than we can say “Ashley Madison.” It started off nice enough. She’s addicted to love. OK, we’re following. She loves the chase. Understandable. The honeymoon phase. All good things. Totally cool. “I have cheated on my husband 4 times.” That’s gr—wait, what?? We get that you’re into the excitement of new love, but that in no way excuses cheating on your unsuspecting spouse with multiple partners.
Hopefully, this guy has wised up to his wife’s philandering ways by now and has left her free to fall in love as many times as she pleases. The honeymoon phase is great and all, but not when it’s with someone you didn’t actually go on your honeymoon with.
7. The unfortunate flirt
Maybe it’s time for a change of approach for this flirtatious failure. A little lighthearted ribbing or playful touching can surely spark the flames of desire. But any time that your attempts at flirtation can be misread as battery, you’re probably crossing a line.
So what’s a rough-housing romantic to do? First of all, keep your hands in your pockets. Better yet, try a pair of handcuffs. And we’re not talking the cute, fuzzy, pink kind. We’re referring to some serious physical—not to mention emotional—restraint. Just think back to those elementary school days when we kept our hands to ourselves and there was no throwing food. Play nice, use your big girl words and maybe, just maybe, someday you won’t be single anymore.
6. The ultimate “babe”
First things first, this is absolutely hilarious. Every man should be so brave as to pat his partner on the rear end and say, “That’ll do pig.” The problem, though, is that most of us actually enjoy our private parts as they are—and not chopped to tiny bits by our rage-filled soon-to-be-exes.
There’s no denying it—Babe is a classic movie, and the titular character sure is one cute pig. However, no one wants to be referred to as a notoriously unattractive farm animal mere minutes after sharing a special moment with a significant other. It’s unflattering, unsavory…and more than just a little creepy. A little dirty talk is OK, just try to keep things out of the pigsty if at all possible.
5. The pinhead
Did someone say…desperate? We want to go on record and say that we totally support men owning the fact that they dig Pinterest, too. There’s nothing wrong with being a straight, single male and repinning pictures of cute foxes and fun holiday crafts. However, anytime someone—guy or girl—admits to minutely planning the details of their wedding via Pinterest, and we’ve crossed over into creepy territory.
If this guy is seriously wondering why he’s still single, he may want to take a look at his Pinterest board first. It’s a huge turn off to go on a great date with a fun person, only to scope them out on social media and discover they’re some sort of wedding-obsessed freak. We all want the white wedding. We also know the appropriate venue for sharing our desires, and it’s not a publicly visible internet forum.
4. The parent trap
The great thing about Whisper is that it gives people a public forum to relate crazy experiences and highly entertaining, if socially unacceptable, viewpoints to the world behind a veil of anonymity. The bad part about Whisper is the feeling of utter hopelessness you experience when reading the confessions of a complete psychopath hellbent on destroying another person’s life. Like, for instance, here.
What this woman is suggesting is absolute crazy talk, and we feel genuinely sorry for the guy she’s trying to seduce. That baby already has a dad, and this new “crush” of hers is not that man. Unfortunately for this delusional woman, there isn’t going to be a fairy tale finish to this tale of deceit, and we’re hoping that her crush can get out as soon as possible.
3. The sext addict
Whether by design or not, many of these Whisper posts are pretty hilarious. A few, however, are just downright sad. This confession is from a woman stuck in a relationship with a man who obviously doesn’t deserve her. Functional sex addict or not, this guy has no business sending suggestive texts to other women—especially not his ex. Sending those types of messages to a former flame suggests more than just a sex addiction—it also indicates that he may still have feelings for his ex. That’s not sex addiction, that’s just straight-up dishonesty.
2. The two-timer
Has this woman never seen a romantic comedy before? These types of situations never work out—especially not for the one leading the double life. Best case scenario, they find out about each other on some chance encounter while running Sunday errands and duke it out in the Walmart parking lot. Worst case scenario, they band together, go all “First Wives Club” on you and ruin your life. In both hypothetical situations, you end up hurt, alone and wondering what made you think you were some untouchable Lothario in the first place.
Overall, this Whisper confession reads more like a Whisper brag. However, it’s not a matter of “if” but “when” her two boyfriends find out about each other—and she’s going to be eating her words once they do.
1. The Will Ferrell superfan
We just want to make this clear: We’re big Will Ferrell fans. The image of the former SNL star’s naked rear end streaking across a deserted college campus in “Old School” will forever be ingrained in our heads. It’s just not the derrière we want to imagine when we are sending flirtatious texts to a potential partner.
If you send a sexy text to a Tinder match and receive a picture of Will Ferrell in an oversized elf costume in response, you may just want to reconsider pursuing that person. Does she have some sort of weird fetish? Is it some snarky new form of rejection? Until this woman can refrain from Ferrell, we’re going to have to assume she is most likely still single.