You may have a lot of nieces and nephews or you may work with kids, but you’ll never know what it’s like to be a parent until you actually have a kid. Unfortunately, when you have your own kids, there is absolutely no escape. If you’re an aunt/uncle, or a child educator, you get to hand those adorable little monsters back to their parents. As parents, the most you can hope for is a few hours’ break when you have the grandparents babysit, or when the kids are down for a nap.
Even though they bring you so much joy – usually – the little monsters also make your life pretty miserable and unbearable at times. It’s totally worth it, though, because you get to laugh at everything that goes wrong in your life as a parent with hilarious memes like these!
16. The Second Kid
As a first time parent, everything is new and exciting – probably because you have no idea what is in store for you, you poor, innocent woman. Anyway, you usually go all out and spend as much as your budget allows to make sure your little one has everything and anything they ever dreamed of in a nursery. Nevermind that they won’t even really be able to see or understand what the heck is going on for at least a few months.
The second time around isn’t as exciting – you now know better than to buy anything in white or anything that’s “cute” but useless. So, basically, your kid is stuck with a crib – probably one that’s second-hand from their sibling – a mattress, and a sheet. Sorry, number #2!
15. Nice Things
Have you ever heard the saying, “this is why we can’t have nice things?” Well, the person who first thought of that clearly had at least one kid – probably a toddler.
The thing about todderhood is that you can’t really keep them trapped in their crib like you used to be able to do, when they were still infants. Toddlers like to discover everything around them – even if those things had no interest in being discovered in the first place.
Let’s just say that it is a blessing that this kid was kind enough to use the coffee table as their own personal playground, and not destroy it completely, because others are just not as gentle with stuff. And this is why my house is basically decorated with Legos and children’s furniture.
14. Taking Care Of Business
Before you have kids, you usually have these wild dreams about them being the best-behaved kids on the face of Earth; kids who can follow directions, kids who never throw tantrums at the store in front of everyone you know, kids who won’t ever embarrass you in public…
For most of us, that is never the case. Kids will be kids, and they will do as they want because trying to negotiate with them, or telling them “no” is pointless. It is like talking to a wall. There are machines that are even more responsive than a stubborn kid.
13. Worst Timing
You know how there is a hilarious cliché that moms have the worst timing when it comes to calling you on the phone? I know my mom does. It is like she is a psychic and knows exactly when I’ve just sat down for lunch. The most inconvenient time is always the time when they decide to call you.
Well, apparently, kids take after their grandmothers because they also have the worst timing, ever in the history of time. It’s 9:30 PM, and suddenly they’re not only hungry, but they must have roasted chicken. Don’t cave, though, because if you do, your kid will throw a fit as soon as that chicken is done cooking, and won’t want to eat anything.
Somehow, you manage to get them back in bed. They sleep for a couple of hours while you store that roasted chicken in the fridge, and clean the kitchen that was clean before the whole midnight snack fiasco. And as soon as you put your head on the pillow and turn off the lights, you hear them screaming for you.
If you think that when that baby is born, you will enjoy all the free time in the world to get your nails done and take a proper shower, eat your food while it is still warm, and catch some sleep, you have another thing coming.
Sure, babies sleep like 18 hours a day, but they don’t sleep them all at once! That would be way too easy, and everyone would love to be parents, then. No, babies apparently like to sleep in 1-hour periods and wake up screaming because they are too hungry, or too cold, or too hot, or too wet, or too alone.
11. The Silent Creature
Have you ever heard or read somewhere that when you suddenly wake up at night, it’s because someone is watching you? Like some sort of ghost, or spiritual ghost, or Emily Rose.
Well, when you are a parent, there is no ghost, no spiritual being, and no girl in need of an exorcism. When you wake up in the middle of the night, it is because your kid somehow managed to get out of their crib, or their bed, and somehow managed to make their way into your room, just to stand creepily near your bed, until you wake up. Apparently they need to watch Finding Nemo at 4 AM.
10. “Just wait ’til we get home.”
I’ll never forget my mom’s signature “I’ll deal with you when we get home” look. It usually followed one of my inappropriate comments, or oversharing moments with people who were not immediately related to us. She would give me this frightening look followed by the creepiest smile to ever cross her face – seriously, it made Heath Ledger’s “The Joker” look like an actual joke. Then, I knew I would be in a lot of trouble once we got home.
And, the thing is, you can’t really do anything about it. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than someone yelling at their kids in public. Scratch that. There’s nothing worse than dragging a misbehaving around the store because they won’t stop throwing a tantrum. Now that is the worst thing ever.
9. “Don’t make me laugh.”
I love hearing how my childless friend use the word, “exhausted,” like they really mean it after a night out drinking, or a long day at work. I can’t help but laugh at them, and often tell them they don’t know the meaning of the word. This comment is often followed by myself, whispering under my breath, “Remember, friend, as you pass by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so you must be. Prepare yourself to follow me.”
In all seriousness, though, I’ve been the late partier, the hard worker, the late0night student, and nothing will ever compare with the exhaustion of being a parent – or worse, being a working parent. You will need a vacation, after a vacation… which you will never get because this is real life and you have mouths to feed.
8. The Shopping Trip
Going shopping used to be one of those things that I really enjoyed. I took my time to actually look at the stuff I was buying, trying things on when needed, and actually buying new clothes, and not wearing the same old nude bra over and over. But that amazing experience will no longer be available to you the second you have a kid. Well, no, I lied. It’s not actually the second you have a kid… it’s more like when the kid enters toddlerhood. Then, you have something to fear.
Now, I’m a ninja shopper. I scan every single aisle in under four seconds and grab just what is needed. No unnecessary lingering anywhere, or I risk the kid getting out of the shopping cart, or grabbing stuff that he should not be grabbing – including other people’s legs.
7. Pick Your Battles
Any parent’s best friend is the word, “prioritize.” That starts as soon as the baby is born, and you need to choose between finally getting out of those smelly yoga pants that you have inadvertently worn for days and throwing them in the hamper, washing your hair that has just gotten baby vomit all over it, or opening a can of tuna to get a quick snack, or sleeping. The answer seems complicated now, but it won’t be too hard to decide when the time comes: sleep is always the answer. You will still be smelly, and hungry, but at least your dark circles won’t show as much.
You will also need to come to terms with the fact that your house will never be perfect. And if it is, it won’t last longer than 5 seconds. If things are suspiciously clean, you should go check on your kid because he might be up to no good somewhere.
6. The Stay-At-Home Parent Dilemma
I don’t get how people still think that stay-at-home parents are basically on a permanent vacation. Listen, if it were so easy to take care of a child, daycare centers and nannies would not charge an arm and a leg AND your second born, just to take care of them for a few hours… and they – usually – do not even clean the house! As a stay-at-home parent, you are expected to take care of the kids, do educational activities – because God forbid, you dare let them watch TV for too long (or at all) – keep the house clean and tidy, have dinner ready, and look your best to greet your other half when they come home from work.
They say having kids is amazing – that it is the most amazing moment of your life. Of course, considering they say the same exact thing about getting marriages, and half of those marriages end up in divorce… well, take that with a grain of salt.
While having kids is, indeed, a rewarding experience (except when your youngest throws a fit and sticks gum on your long locks that took you two years to grow), it can also make you absolutely insane. And I am talking about having just one.
The more kids you have, the more the insanity multiplies… until you end up committed to a psychiatric ward, or with a super popular reality show that pays for everything you have ever wanted, and gives you a completely crazy fandom in return.
4. The Gag Reflex
One of the downsides of kids is that they are nasty, pretty much their entire lives… or until they become responsible adults, which is not necessarily when they turn 18.
From spit, to vomit, to snot, to crazy amounts of poop – seriously, how could someone so little produce so much crap… literally? – and chewed up food, your hand pretty much turns into a human waste collector. Your gag reflex will be completely gone for good once you become a parent. Even if you were the biggest germophobe ever, at least once, you will find yourself sucking mucus out of a baby’s nose. Fun times.
Outside the bodily functions, you also have other stuff to gag about on a daily basis. This includes anything you may find at the bottom of your purse, or diaper bag – you seriously never want to reach far enough that you can touch the bottom – or stuck between the car seat, or between the couch’s cushions… Let’s just say, it’s better to keep your hands to yourself.
3. Parent Math
Before having kids, it was easy to calculate how much time it would take for you to get ready to go out. You knew exactly how much time it would take to shower, dress, get your hair and makeup done, and be standing by the door. But, once you have kids, the impossible becomes the possible, and every schedule gets thrown out the window because you know what? Turns out s**t really does happen.
Kids are so unpredictable that even when you think one of them is ready to go, it turns out they really have to pee… or worse, poop… and they miss and then you have to get them clean clothes… but the above is not as easy as just changing them, no sir. They will make it very hard for you! They will run around the house, naked, trying to get away from the angry ogre that wants to put them into something that doesn’t smell like urine, all the while laughing uncontrollably. This means that you end up being three hours late to whatever it was that was important enough for you to get out of the house.
2. “I can’t find it!”
Why is it that kids are suddenly blind when you ask them to look for something? It does not matter how little they are, or how big they are – they probably will not even make the effort to look around… or take their eyes off of whatever it is they are doing at the moment… before yelling, “it’s not there!”
They expect their parents – well, to be honest, they usually expect mommy – to do all the work, to solve all their problems. And I’m not saying that is wrong… to an extent. We have all needed help from our parents at one point or another, but curiously, kids always seem to need help when finding something.
Solution? Well, I have not found one yet, but my son is a toddler still, and he just learned how to say that something is not there when I ask him to look for it, and bring it to me… Hopefully, I’ll figure it out before he can’t find his car… or his dignity.
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