Pregnancy, like alcohol, can bring out sides of ourselves that we never knew existed. And one never knows which "type" she is until she has been there. Some are expensive, others are narcissistic. Some are readily apparent to the casual observer, while others are only discernible to the immediate company of the fecund female. Together, they are an exhaustive but comprehensive list of the pregnant women you are likely to encounter, whether you’re interested in knowing what sort of behavior to expect from the lady in front of you at the grocery store with a perceptibly large stomach, or you yourself are preparing for maternity.
These types are not mutually exclusive, and (this in lieu of a "surgeon general's warning") multiple pregnancy's may cause manifestation of multiple symptoms.
10 The Shopaholic
Coordinating outfits and an accessory to go with each one? Gotta have it! Yes, it does cross her mind that this season's designer jeans won't fit after next month. That's why she'll buy two pairs – one in the maternity size and one in her pre-pregnancy size. If you or your pregnant friend already enjoys shopping, you are pre-disposed to encountering this type. Maternity speciality stores such as Motherhood Maternity will be a whole new world, and the shopping habit is in full spate both before and after the term of pregnancy. Newborn clothes and infant shoes are also a must.
9 The Helpless Homebody
Even independent women are susceptible to becoming damsels-in-distress when they are pregnant. This is for the simple reason that pregnancy can really suck. If, suddenly, the remote control is too far away to reach without standing up, consider shouting to wake your husband, boyfriend, roommate, or whoever else is sleeping upstairs. This would be a great time to serve meals in bed, have sound-activated lighting installed, and consider upgrading your cable package. It's also a good idea to keep take-out menus on the coffee table.
8 The Office Momma
This type won't stop working until her water breaks. If, as a friend of this type, you call to offer to take her to lunch, eager to hear about her pregnancy, do not be surprised to find that she is always working. She works more hours than her non-pregnant friends, but she simply can't be stopped. During her mandatory maternity leave, she is likely to call her employees to get updates from the company. It's not unusual for her to have her boss on the list of people who can visit her in the hospital. The entire office will know the name and birth weight of her child by the time she gets back to work (which won't be very long).
7 The Ladies Room Lounger
In case you are unaware, pregnant women (for reasons that are obvious even to the non-specalist), have to urinate more frequently. Women in this scenario become so used to being on the toilet that, even in public restrooms, they multitask on the toilet. They pay bills on their phones, file their nails, or have overly personal conversations in the comfort and "privacy" of their stalls. I encourage you not to blame these women for their extended stays; no matter how bad you think you have to go, it's worse for them.
The major drawback to this disorder is that it is, by nature, chronic. That is, the symptoms and behaviors are only exacerbated following birth, simply because infants needs to be attended to in the bathroom, too. Frequency of visits to the restroom naturally increase based on the demands of dirty diapers and lactation.
6 The Social Media Mommy
The doctors probably never intended for the ultrasound images they produce to become profile pictures, but they do. In the hands of these women, every meal eaten, item purchased, blog read, and movie watched is broadcasted and evaluated for a public audience via a host of social media platforms. Strangers will be asked to take photos for Instagram and Facebook, Twitter accounts will be re-activated, and the accounts associated on all of these platforms will be seamlessly synced and downloaded to several devices. While we, as family members, friends, and colleagues, are over the moon about our friend's pregnancy, under these circumstances, can be forgiven for removing them from her newsfeed.
5 The Bored Online
She is so bored from being home from work, or otherwise physically disbarred from her usual day-to-day activities, that she uses the ready accessibility of the internet to satisfy her entertainment needs – and it does. Every time this woman gets a cup of coffee at Starbucks, she goes on Yelp and writes a review. Whenever a receipt promotes a survey, she writes a review. She scrolls back through photos of herself and her friends on Facebook from when she opened her account, and re-shares photos. She might start chatting with telemarketers just for entertainment value, and she notices when the mailman gets a haircut. Much as we empathize with these disenfranchised mothers, they make us grateful for our day jobs.
4 The Hypochondriac
If this pregnant woman gets a splinter, she is sure it's infected. She'd like to get it checked out, but she can't because she is stuck in bed; if she gets up her back spasms are likely to erupt. Instead, she'll lie in bed on her iPhone and read articles on various maladies, all of which include symptoms that she recognizes in herself. By the later stages of pregnancy, her Primary Care Physician's office recognizes her number, and so she is left with the sympathy of her Facebook friends, whose common-sense attempts at calming her fears are often futile.
3 The After-the-fact Anatomist
If one is lucky enough to witness the moment of realization, one might even hear these women exclaim with astonishment, "that comes out of there?" Eighth grade health class taught us this, but there are many things from junior high that we don't remember, and, for some pregnant women, the details of pregnancy are among them. They are re-educated by either a book, the internet, their doctor, a good friend, or their partner. These caregivers should be warned that inconsolable sobbing and unyielding incredulity are common behaviors manifest in this type, and an intervention is usually the only way to reach a resolution.
2 The Fusion Chef
Most pregnant women get creative in the kitchen, but these women are the chefs de cuisine in their experimental impulses. The house specialty is, "hand-carved ice cream layered with salt-crusted pretzels, plated with two boxes of cooked pasta, and garnished with pickles." This dish pairs well with a chocolate Frosty. If Shamrock Shakes are in season, this is also a nice complement. Pasta can be served al dente if you simply can't wait any longer.
1 The Fit Mom
We all know the type. She is in better shape than we were in high school, and she's 16 weeks pregnant. A perfect example of this type is Stacie Venagro, who, back in January, was shown in People magazine showcasing her abs of steel. These moms-to-be own three weeks' worth of coordinating exercise outfits, and jog with a yet-unoccupied baby stroller just for the added resistance and a harder workout. Thankfully, in March, Venagra, like many other moms of this type, gave birth to a healthy baby boy.