You love your cat, but every now and then you wonder if there’s something sinister lurking beneath that fuzzy, cuddly exterior. Here are a few things to watch out for if you’re worried that your cat might be evil.
11 He watches you while you sleep
It seems totally innocent (actually it doesn’t seem innocent at all, it seems weird and creepy), but if you ever wake up at night and find your cat lurking in the shadows, staring at you, be warned. He’s not wondering when you’re going to get up and feed him, he’s wondering if he would be able to take you out single-handedly, or if he would have to summon a legion of slave mice to help finish you off.
10 He looks at you and licks his lips
Your cat is not licking his lips because he’s dreaming of MeowMix (I mean come on, would you dream of MeowMix?), he’s licking his lips because he wonders if you taste anything like a gopher.
9 His eyes glow even when there is no discernible light source
They say that when a cat’s eyes glow, it’s just light reflecting off the tapetum, which is the part of the feline eye responsible for night vision. But what if your cat's eyes are glowing and there’s no visible light in the room? Don’t worry, it’s just the tapetum reflecting light from the mouth of hell.
8 He can teleport
If you’ve ever wondered about your cat’s strange ability to appear in a room without seeming to have actually walked into it, you’re not crazy. Cats—particularly evil cats—can teleport from room to room, usually materializing in places where you're most likely to trip over them.
7 He leaves decapitated animals in your home
Remember that scene in The Godfather where the guy finds a decapitated horse’s head in his bed? Yeah, your cat would totally decapitate a horse if he could. But because he can’t, he’ll settle for leaving decapitated mice and other small, unfortunate creatures in your bed—or your slippers.
6 He leaves ghostly piles of fur drifting around your house
You might have had him fixed, but that doesn’t mean he can’t procreate. He’s not leaving those piles of fur all over the house because he’s fluffy, he’s leaving them there because they are the building blocks for creating an army of furry, homicidal clones.
5 He insists on curling around your ankles at the times most likely to kill you
Cats don’t curl around your ankles because they love you, they do it because they’re marking their territory. And if your cat insists on giving you an ankle rub when you’re carrying groceries or when you're practicing the tree pose during your yoga workout, he might have some sinister ulterior motives.
4 He treats your toes the same way he treats a mouse he doesn’t feel like eating… yet
When he was a kitten, it was super-cute when he pounced on your feet and batted them around with his tiny little paws. But now, well, there’s something eerily familiar about how he fixes his eyes on your big toe as if waiting for it to scamper away… oh yeah, he’s playing with his food.
3 He poops just seconds after you cleaned the litter box
Cats love fresh litter boxes, but if your cat saves up his poop for a squeaky clean one, you can be pretty sure that he views you not as his lifelong companion, but as the help.
2 He stares at things that aren't there
You might think he’s watching a bug or a shadow, but he’s not. Just like the boy in that one M. Night Shyamalan film, your cat can see dead people. What’s not so certain is what he plans to do with those dead people after he actually summons them forth into your living room.