We eliminated so many hilarious photos in the process of choosing favorites for this article. Some great contenders that wound up on the cutting room floor included a veteran of World War II, a woman who glued herself to a Walmart toilet, a racist sandwich (it was PB&J) and a prison inmate who overdosed on underwear, among others.
So, let’s cut the jibba-jabba and get right to the task at hand: here are 15 hilarious news captions that will make you ugly laugh.
If we didn’t know that David Davis was in the midst of getting a haircut at the time his mugshot was taken, we’d have no idea this ‘do was accidental. In fact, we don’t want to believe this coiffure is anything but intentional. It’s on trend with the asymmetric styles seen of late in hemlines, zig-zag hair parts and squiggly lines or feathers for eyebrows. We want to think that a hair designer or sculptor came up with this masterwork of yin yang follicles. The shorter side suggests the light and joy of life while the right-sided pouf of black cloud-like hair confronts us as a random and uncombed representation of the darker forces of the world. Wow, that’s deep. Davis belongs in a museum, not a mugshot.
14 "And he shall be named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop…"
…after his grandfather and his father, so that makes him Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, III. (Pronounced “The Third”.) Since his name is quite a mouthful, we’ll shorten it. There are too many possibilities here for nicknames. We can use: “Beez,” “Beezow,” “Doo-Doo,” “Zo,” “Pittybop” or “Bop-Bop.” Truth is, none of the BDDZBB’s in our family learned to spell their full names until they graduated college.
In reality, this guy was born “Jeffrey Wilschke” and changed his name to “Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop” in 2011. While there are just so many questions here, and while we wonder what this new name means to Beezow because we can’t even venture a guess, we especially wonder about those two extra “Bops” at the end. They just seem redundant.
13 Did Gary foresee his great hair day on TLC?
There are upsides to wearing your hair like Gary Spivey. We know it’s hard to imagine what those might be but hear us out: if you wore your hair like Gary you would never need to comb your hair and no one would ever, ever forget meeting you. The memory of first sighting such a cottony cloud-like coiffure would be seared in anyone’s mind forever. In fact, Gary Spivey, Psychic Medium, Healer’s scalp transcends mere hair. In place of lowly follicles like the rest of us have, Gary’s magical noggin sprouts the stuff of clouds: he has white, cottony cumulus-like densely arranged fluff where his hair should grow—which also happens to resemble what our lint traps collect after we’ve finished many loads of laundry.
12 Cheetos attack
Who knew bags of Cheetos could be used as weapons? Is the arms industry aware of this latest intelligence? Perhaps we should draw the Pentagon’s attention to this bombshell. Arming first lines of defense with Cheetos isn’t the worst idea we’ve ever heard. Not only can these bags of cheesy goodness be launched as missiles, but they naturally disguise themselves as innocent snacks. The enemy might see tanks loaded with Cheetos bags and never suspect that these were the latest weapons of war; they’d just think these were shipments designed to feed hungry couch potato civilians from coast to coast. The bonus of arming the troops with Cheetos is, of course, that should they get hungry, their newest weapon also doubles as a handy snack.
11 Alan Moore’s credentials are a real mixed bag
Alan Moore’s a highly regarded English writer known primarily for his comic books and graphic novels. His works have inspired Hollywood films such as From Hell, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and V For Vendetta, for example.
Moore’s the kind of guy where, just based on the above image of him captured from the BBC, you know he’s an eccentric type. According to Wikipedia, when an interviewer visited Moore’s home back in 2001 they described his “unassuming terraced” Northampton abode as: “something like an occult bookshop under permanent renovation, with records, videos, magical artefacts and comic-book figurines strewn among shelves of mystical tomes and piles of paper…This is clearly a man who spends little time on the material plane." Uh-huh. We already kind of gathered that.
10 No time for jibba-jabba
Mr. T became internationally known back in the 1980s when he starred as Rocky’s rival Clubber Lang in Rocky III. He also had a regular role on the popular television series The A-Team. Mr. T made something of a reality show comeback more than 20 years later in 2006 when he had his own reality showed called I Pity The Fool, named after the catchphrase he repeatedly used as Clubber Lang when trash talking Rocky. Clubber also told reporters he had “no time for jibba-jabba” when they started asking dumb questions (because he had to train and muscle up to punch Rocky out, of course).
We’re not normally grammar Nazis but for future reference (*ahem* CNN news caption typist): it’s “pities the fool,” not “pitys.”
9 There are no words
We don’t know who this is supposed to actually be, but this picture and caption are too priceless to find out so let’s not burst the bubble. From here on, when we hear the expression “MILF” we will summon up this visage of The MILF poised to speak. We don’t know about you but when we pictured MILFs before, we generally imagined seductive middle-age ladies—but that’s all been erased. This picture gives the old acronym entirely new meaning. This is one of those “light-bulb moments” Oprah speaks of before she starts throwing keys for new cars at everyone in her studio audience. Would you rather hear what The MILF has to say or get a new car from Oprah? We know which we’d prefer.
8 Tone it down, Santa
Here’s a guy sneaking around pulling off innumerable B&Es every Christmas Eve and he never gets arrested—instead he’s stopped in his street clothes when he’s not actually committing a crime for once. How does Santa keep getting away with it? This is him traveling incognito as sort of a “Witness Protection Program Santa” or St. Nick on one of the other 364 days of the year. You’d think Santa would want to lay low. Now people are going to see this witty news caption and start questioning whether he’s becoming a snowbird in his old age, living in Dunwoody, GA because he can’t hack the North Pole winters anymore. Isn’t he, like, 300 years old by now? Santa looks pretty good for his age, all things considered. Without the white hair and beard, he could pass for 35.
7 Slow news day
“Bystanders are reporting sightings of a suspicious flashlight at 3rd Avenue & Jefferson. It’s unclear whether the flashlight’s staging some sort of one-person protest or standoff, though it appears to be blocking the left lane of eastbound traffic. Since being spotted, the flashlight hasn’t moved, but witnesses are keeping an eye on it. They’ve been advised to keep their distance until police investigate. For the investigation, traffic will be diverted to 4th Avenue. Once officers are satisfied the flashlight poses no danger to the public, eastbound lanes will reopen. It’s unknown whether the suspicious flashlight is armed and/or dangerous at this time. Residents and locals are advised to lock their doors until given the all clear. Please stay tuned for further updates to this story and for more breaking news.”
6 His beard’s not long enough to reach his mouth
When this caption says “Man Forced To Eat Beard” (which is labeled a “Big Story” by Channel 18 News in Anderson County, by the way), we imagine this means that this man was forced to eat his own beard. (If you had to eat anyone’s beard, wouldn’t you rather eat your own? At least you know where your beard’s been.)
However, the possibility of this man eating his own mutton chops right off his own face doesn’t seem plausible since the length of his beard hairs relative to their distance from his mouth don’t appear to compute, so we’re forced to conclude (going by the limited available information here) that this poor man was forced to eat someone else’s beard. Gross!
5 Furry jury foreman
We don’t know about you, but we’d like to see this cat serve on a jury. Do you think kitty would be more likely to find defendants innocent or guilty? Fluffball would have no mercy for mice, bugs and birds but she might want to sit on defendants’ and witnesses laps. She may make biscuits or take snoozes—which is her way of determining the accused’s guilt or innocence. She’ll meow incessantly until fellow jurors vote not to convict any defendants who give chin rubs or treats. Once, Fluffball served on the “Pawman ‘Trigger Fingers’ Fugitive Feline Case” where the defendant opened a can of tuna in the courtroom as a bribe and Fluffball caused a hung jury. She was summarily dismissed from further jury duty as a result.
4 Even a guy in a bear costume has to lay his hat somewhere
Back in late November 2011, this story of a driver falling asleep at the wheel and crashing his vehicle into a gas station made local news. Luckily, no one was hurt, but the above gem of a news caption was one of the takeaways from what could have been a tragedy.
This man pictured above (named Arcellious Fortson) lives behind the same gas station where this almost-tragedy took place. He spoke to local reporters about hearing the initial impact, which happened really early on a Sunday morning when Fortson first heard a “big explosion. Fortson was quoted by KLTV as saying: "[The driver] fell asleep behind the steering wheel and he's still alive, and I am too. God got his hands on him and me both, we're miracle people."
3 Norman Fineman has seen it all…
Has Norman Fineman really seen it all? Think about it. That’s a mighty big statement for anyone to make. What’s that even mean? Does Norman mean, for example, that he’s seen it all since before time and space began? That he covered his ears to protect his hearing during the Big Bang? That he roamed the earth with the dinosaurs and survived the Ice Age? Maybe Norman dodged questions at the Spanish Inquisition and argued with Napoleon about the authenticity of "French" fries. Perhaps he’s dined with royalty and broken bread with hobos; lived on skid row, in palaces and visited every peak and valley in the world. Norman’s seen it all and here, he lives to tell a local Channel 5 News reporter about it.
2 Meet Mahogany Phillips: “Queen On The Scene”
We’ve known a few “Queens On The Scene” in our day. Mahogany should know that she’s not the only one. We’ve never met one sporting a blue wig, however. We were thinking more along the lines of “Queen Bee” types, like the meanest of the mean girls from high school who set the trends and decide who’s in and who’s out, like Heidi Klum does on Project Runway. (Heidi doesn’t seem mean, though, and she’s judging aspiring designers who sign up for it).
“Queen On The Scene” isn’t normally conferred as an official blueblood title, however. There’s no ceremonial crowning or coronation—but if we, too, get to wear a Smurf-like wig and sparkly, oversized triangular earrings, count us in for a spot in Mahogany’s royal court.
1 Someone’s day is about to get worse…
Whoever captioned this raging inferno with “Have A Great Day!” probably later watched it go viral on the internet and suffered a massive “d’oh!” moment. These kind of brain farts are more about bad timing than anything else. Let us suggest what might have happened here: this fire was probably the top news story of this particular day in Spokane, Washington. Since most newscasts lead with the day’s top stories and also exit with recaps before signing off, in this case, producers must have juxtaposed footage of that day’s breaking “out-of-control raging inferno” story with their broadcast’s usual friendly final “Have A Great Day!” exit message for viewers, which resulted in the above picture, bearing the most inadvertently savage newscast sign-off of all time.