Friends and family who are reading this article, I have some news. They may want to sit down if they aren’t already (who reads articles standing up?) If they haven’t guessed from the title of this article, then I should just “come out” (I am the pun master) and say it. I am bisexual and have been since I shared my first kiss with a close friend before winter break. Now that we got that personal mishegas out of the way, let’s talk about bisexuality. Like all other completely valid and awesome sexualities, bisexuality is great and accepting oneself is so freeing. However, I will admit that it’s not all cheery montages through flowery fields and if we’re being really honest - there are some awkward moments bisexuals will find themselves in that would make a person want to crawl out of their own skin. So, without further ado, here are 15 mind numbingly awkward moments all bisexuals can relate to.
15 "So...like...are you straight/gay now?"
No, just because I’m either dating a boy at this current time, doesn’t mean that I am suddenly straight as a ruler. And, in high school, when I was head over heels for a beautiful girl who will remain anonymous, I wasn’t a lesbian. Oddly enough, my sexuality doesn’t change like some dollar store mood ring. I have always been and will always be bisexual. I don’t understand why this concept is so confusing, unless you’re a toddler who hasn’t developed object permanence yet. If that’s the case, then I apologize for my annoyance and I will explain this concept to you. You see, whether or not you see a girl on my arm or not, I will still be attracted to the ladies. Same goes for dudes. And when my fiance becomes my husband, I will still be bi. Life is funny that way.
14 When Someone Doubts The Existence of Your Sexuality Right in Front of You
Believe it or not, this has happened to me more than once. I’ll just be hanging out with a group of friends and suddenly a character on TV will mention sexuality and the next thing I know, we’re engaged in a debate on whether or not bisexuality is real. The weird thing is they are treating a part of my identity like some abstract non-present thing, like an alien life form on a distant planet several galaxies away or the way that kids ponder whether or not teachers exist outside of school hours, and not like it’s something that affects the way other people see and treat me. I’m not a mermaid, though that would be cool. I’m a real, living, breathing, human being with feelings and debating the existence of my sexuality in front of me is a really awkwardly awful thing to do.
13 "I would never be with a bisexual person."
This sounds outrageous but so many people outright refuse to ever be with someone who identifies as bisexual. Many hetero people believe that bisexuals are bawdy and more likely to cheat and many LGTQ people don’t want to be with someone who has ‘been’ with someone of the opposite gender. How can you just outright refuse to be with someone based on some superficial label that can be attached to them? That concept just boggles my mind. Imagine turning someone down because of their race or religion, or because of the fact that they put ketchup on their breakfast cereal. Actually, scratch that last one. It is unacceptable and you have the right to walk away from a monster like that. But refusing to be with someone because they are bisexual? No, that ain’t right.
12 When Someone Assumes You're Down For Some Three Way Action
Some people are into multiple lovers or partners at once and some people are more of the ‘take a number’ type. I’m the latter. I can barely keep up when I’m flying solo, so I don’t even know what I would do with multiple people bouncing on the bed like some stressful naked bouncy castle. Cue Ricky Bobby “I don’t know what to do with my hands” meme. So for me, three ways are off the table...and the bed. However, some people just come straight out of the woodwork with this sexual suggestion the moment your sexuality becomes clear. No, I’m not some pervy fantasy that exists somewhere between furry dogpile and thanksgiving surprise on your make believe naughty bucket list. I’m an actual real person, as we’ve established before, so I’d appreciate if you would take your bottom lip, pull it over your face, and swallow.
11 "But, like, you want kids right? So you'll have to marry a dude."
Look, I’m going to start this off by reminding you that I am 21 (and a half.) I have no plans to have children anytime soon. When I was five years old, I used to stuff my dressies with sock-boobies and played house with my dolls. But now that I have to support myself and have a mild phobia of lice, I really do not want children coming anywhere near me anytime soon. So why does it matter to you whether or not I end up with someone who has the parts that can impregnate me when I finally end up wanting children? I ended up with a guy, but if I had ended up with a girl we could have adopted, used a donor, or just not had children and used that money to travel and explore the world. I’m still considering that last option, to be honest. You know what? Let’s just agree that my reproductive organs are my own business and that you needn’t concern yourself with what parts rub up against ‘em. Sounds good? Sounds good.
10 The Dreaded "Bisexuality Approval Test"
Alright, turns out complete strangers haven’t had enough of an opinion on the validity of my sexuality as of yet; so it’s time to pull out the big guns. If you mention your sexuality to someone who happens to agree that bisexuality actually does exist (unfortunately we have to count our blessings,) we then become subjected to the dreaded ‘bisexuality test of validation.’ Over the next few minutes, you will be quizzed on your sexual history and the amount of experience you’ve had with both men and women. You will then be expected to indicate whether or not you have a preference, whether or not you think it’s really just a phase, to recite pi to the 32 decimal point, to prepare a 7 layer dip using only items found in your bathroom, and to recite the “life is but a walking shadow” monologue from ‘Macbeth’ while jumping on one foot and rubbing your belly. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
9 "Bisexuals are greedy. Like, pick a side already!"
Omnivores are greedy, pick a side already. Like do you really need both meat and vegetables? Come on, I think someone is just eating meat for attention because of their daddy issues. The argument that bisexuals are greedy is honestly just so ridiculous because apparently we aren’t straight enough for the heterosexuals and we are too straight for the homosexuals. I’ve even bore witness to online discussions on whether or not bisexuals should be allowed in LGBTQIA+ safe places. What do you think the B stands for? Britney Spears? Broccoli? So how can we be greedy when a large percentage of people have ruled dating us out entirely because of the fact that we might have been with someone that they wouldn’t have been comfortable being with themselves?
8 "Oh my god, I had a gay phase in college too!"
You know what, thank you for telling me that. Everyone has the right to experiment with their own sexuality if that is what they want to do. If you need to fool around with a close friend you trust to see whether or not you truly do go that way, that is your right as a human being and I validate your choices. But, if you’re devaluing my entire sexuality as some phase that everyone goes through at my age, you suck as a person and I’m going to need you to take the nearest exit out of my life. Actually, I’m going to be the one to walk away because this conversation sucks and there is a dog at this party that is currently not being pet by me; which is a crime.
7 When Someone Kindly Reminds Me That I am Headed For Hell
Look, I’m not going to blindly quote the bible back at you because to be totally honest, I’ve never read it and I don’t know the context of the quotes that people keep spitting back and forth at each other (and from what I’ve heard, that context is really important.) I was raised by an agnostic mother and a birth father who decided that we were Jewish (don’t ask) so my religious knowledge is all over the place. But I just want to say that I think judging people against your own beliefs is wrong. So long as they aren’t hurting anybody, what’s the big deal? So please, don’t remind me how you believe I’m going to a place that I was taught doesn’t exist. There is nothing evil about love. It's love! Beautiful, happy, sunshine-y love!
6 "You can date a guy and a girl at the same time!"
No, that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. If I was poly-amorous, I would be able to be in multiple relationships at once so long as everyone involved is consenting and happy. But I’m a terrible multitasker so this buckaroo can only handle one horse at a time. Monogamous relationships are monogamous relationships no matter what gender the parties involved are. Just because I am attracted to both men and women doesn’t mean that I get to be with both at the same time. I don’t understand why that is such a hard concept to grasp. It’s exhausting having to constantly answer these same inane and borderline offensive-no scratch that- outright offensive questions every time someone new finds out about my sexuality.
5 "You don't seem like the 'bi' type."
Not everyone lives up the sit com esk stereotype we’ve created for the particular label that they fit under. I know most people assume that bi girls are sexy, curvy, extroverted, bold, blonde women who command the attention of everyone in the room just by walking into it. So my slouchy, shy, introverted, brunette self who thrives on alone time and quiet relaxation like a plant thrives on sunlight persona isn’t exactly the type of girl you’d picture when you think of a ‘bi girl.’ But that’s the point of real people. They don’t always fit the mold we’ve made for people that share their label and it’s beautiful. There are as many ways to live life as there are people who have and are living it.
4 "I think bi girls do it for the attention."
First of all, let’s not slut shame other women or perpetuate some unnecessary girl hate here. Second of all, who cares if a girl kisses another girl to get attention? It’s none of my business. It doesn’t bother me in anyway. However, the assumption that all bi girls are just ‘acting slutty so boys will notice them’ is just as stupid as the idea that all bi boys are ‘actually gay and just lying to themselves/not ready to admit it.’ I don’t know how to put this-oh wait, actually I do. You don’t get to have an opinion on the life and sexuality of other people. So long as no one is getting hurt and everyone consents, what happens in someone else’s personal life is none of your business. Whether or not she is doing it for attention is none of your concern and whatever you do, don’t invalidate my entire sexuality because of some misogynist/biphobic garbage. Let people live.
3 "You know, you do not look gay at all."
I’m sorry I didn’t remember to bring my giant neon ‘I’m gay’ sign with me to this party and I think my hair is covering this ‘I’m gay. Ask me how.” button I have pinned to my flannel shirt. What does ‘looking gay’ even mean? The only time I ever say, “Look at that person, they must be gay.” is when I look over at a person who is in the middle of making out with someone of the same gender. What’s worse is that, since I am a bisexual girl in a straight relationship, my sexuality is basically invisible. I don’t want it to entirely consume my identity but it does get annoying when everyone assumes that you are straight all of the time. And other members of the LGBTQIA+ community using your relationship to explain why you don’t belong in their spaces is just a load of crab apples.
2 "Your Girlfriend is bi? Dude, you're so lucky."
Why? Why is my fiance lucky that I like both women and men? Dude, is there something you’re not telling me? Does being bi mean that both my partner and I get free pizza for a year? Or that we have VIP access to all frozen yoghurt bars in North America. Or that, if I try really hard, that I can sprout wings and fly high above your bull crud? No? Well, that’s disappointing. I do have a question, though. If dating a bisexual girl makes you ‘so lucky,’ why do so many people refuse to date bisexual people based on their sexuality alone? If being with a bi person is as lucky as you claim it to be then why is there so much hesitancy around the idea of being with one?
1 "You can never trust a bisexual."
Okay, this one is true. You can never trust a bisexual. I always cheat at battleship, Megan Fox is actually 73 pine marten’s in a suit, and Hans Christian Anderson was notorious for lying on his income tax forms. Where did this stereotype that we aren’t trustworthy even come from? The things that some people believe just baffles my mind. To quote the great Emma Stone in her iconic role in ‘The Help,’ “I’m sorry. But were you dropped on your head as an infant or were you just born stupid?” I don’t mean to be rude-actually, you know what? Let’s be rude. Enough Mrs. Wide eyed idealist for one moment. Just a moment long enough to state outright that anyone who believes that bisexuality (that doesn’t even look like a word anymore) is a choice, makes a person a cheater/greedy/hell-bound, isn’t real, or any of the other awkward verging on rude comments from this article, sucks just a little bit. You can't control who you are; it's just the way we're wired. Don't fight it, educate yourself and accept it.