Disney is the world of happiness, smiles and magic. It’s a place where peasants become princesses, love triumphs over evil, animals talk, and everyone has perfect complexions. What could be so wrong about a place where people sing while walking through a village and their hair is on point every single day? Well turns out, a lot.
Behind the facades of perfect hair and shining ball gowns lies a world of, well, tools. Yeah, we said it. Some of those Disney characters you know and love are total tools. They’re jerks. They may have spent most of the movie smiling and singing along to the nice melodies but deep down, these cartoon characters are rude. So let’s explore all the real thoughts these “angelic” Disney characters were having when they were busy wishing upon a star.
15. You’re Not On Pocahontas’ Level
Let’s be honest, Pocahontas was probably the most hipster of all the Disney princesses. She made her own clothing, hung out with a lot of guys with long hair, and spent time in the forest un-ironically. If thick rimmed glasses had been around back in her day, you better believe Pocahontas would be wearing a pair. She would have her own French press coffee machine and Grandmother Willow might have been turned into a few stylish tree stump stools. She didn’t have time for any of John Smith’s mainstream crap. Everyone has a pet dog. Only true hipsters would have pets as obscure as a raccoon and a hummingbird. Only true hipsters, like Pocahontas, who are just way too hip to even put up with any of your generic top 40 mainstream crap.
14. But My Phone Doesn’t Have Data!
Cinderella takes a lot of crap from her step-mother and step sisters. First of all, she became a live-in maid after her step family moved into her home and demoted her from official daughter status. She gave up her bedroom, she gave up her wardrobe, and she spent her days sweeping, dusting, cooking, folding, mending and any other demeaning chores her step-monster threw her way. So being locked in a room is probably nothing new to Cinderella. In fact, she probably gets locked in rooms pretty often just for pure giggles from her monster of a family. But locked in a room without WiFi? Now that’s just cruel. What a tool-bag move by the step-monster. Sure, you can ask the girl to mop and sweep for hours on end as long as she can take a break to scroll through Instagram, check her Facebook newsfeed, and swipe through some possible princes on Tinder.
Don’t lie, you know this thought had to have crossed Belle’s mind at some point when she asked the Beast to set her father free in place of keeping her as his captive. She had to have had a second change of heart about the whole ‘heroic move to save her dad’ thing. for starters, Maurice was clearly much older than her. He has lived a full life, he has already had kids, had a spouse (maybe? Do we ever know what happened to Belle’s mom?), and lived in a pretty cute little French town. How bad would it be for him to spend his last few decades in a castle? Right-are we wrong here? Plus, the man was an inventor. If anyone was going to enjoy spending time in a castle full of old things, it would be Maurice. Maybe he could even invent something to help himself escape! Belle was young and barely lived her best life yet. She deserved a chance to have her life back. This would be a justified moron move, if you ask us. Come on, Maurice!
12. What A Waste
Oh, Mulan. We feel you girl. There is nothing worse than getting all dolled up for no good reason. You wake up an hour early and plug your straightener in. You successfully tame your wild main in 30 minutes with only two hickey-looking neck burns to show for it. Then you move onto that face of yours. If you’re following the Mulan makeup look, you start with an obscene amount of white powder. Next, you add a few dozen brush strokes worth of blush. Lips are up to bat next, with a nice deep red. And then we move onto the eyes where we paint on a dramatic liner and dark blue shadow. Are you unrecognizable? Sure, but at least you look like one of those girls from the magazines. And then what happens? The unthinkable. A tiny cricket messes up your whole entire day, you bring dishonor to your family, and you got all dressed up for nothing. This is the classic “all dressed up with nowhere to go meme” and we have been there, trust us.
See? We told you Gaston was the absolute worse. It wasn’t enough for him to be harassing Belle the entire movie, trying to get her father committed, and leading the group who wanted to kill her one true love. Nope, Gaston needed to take it one step further. He needed to ruin the one thing that meant more to Belle than her own father, her true love, or even her own life. He needed to ruin her books. What kind of a jerk sees someone reading a book and intentionally spoils one of the most tragic literary deaths of all time (RIP Dumbledore)? Maybe if he had done it accidentally, like if he hadn’t seen Belle reading the book and just casually mentioned to her that the beloved ‘Albus Dumbledore doesn’t make it’ in passing, we’d understand. Or if he had ruined the death of some absent character in a book everyone hated anyway. But no, Gaston took it too far. And that’s why he’ll forever be one of the worst villains.
10. Don’t Ruin It For Me!
You know what is the absolutely worst? When you’re telling a story and you’re just getting to the good part and someone’s cellphone rings. And they have the audacity to answer it! Without even leaving the room! Or when you’re singing along to your favorite jam and it’s just getting to the bridge where you do a killer falsetto that perfectly harmonizes with the lead singer, and then a call comes through and the song volume automatically turns down. Or when the “Next week on Survivor” promo starts and your boyfriend decides that’s the 30 seconds he wants to look up from his phone and talk over the whole segment. Sometimes we just need to take a page out of Snow White’s book. This is the best part and I’m not going to miss it, so pipe down-don’t ruin this for me!
9. Do You Smell That?
Ariel has a lot on her mind. She is most definitely the black sheep of her family. Sure, she’s got the best voice, but she also has a secret lair full of human artifacts. She spends all her free time stalking humans and wishing she had feet. Talk about an inferiority complex. She gets in fights with her dad. Her best friends are a crab and a fish (that can also sing). And then she makes a bad deal with an evil eye shadow-obsessed octopus and her troubles just multiplied from there. Now, she has to worry about wooing a man without her voice, trying to fit into the human world, competing with an evil spell, and getting a ring on it so she can keep her legs, get her voice back and maybe even win her dad’s approval. See? Girlfriend is stressing (and now we are too!). That was a lot to take in. She doesn’t have time to worry about mundane things like personal hygiene and deodorant application-she has feet to keep!
8. Get Out Now!
Ariel, you need to sit down and focus. Listen to Sebastien on this one. The bro-crab knows what he is talking about. It is a mess up here. The seaweed is not always greener. Honestly, you are a royal mermaid. You live in a world full of gold, glitter, and seashells. Your best friend is a talking fish. You get to explore shipwrecks and hunt for buried treasure. You are living a pretty good life! And all of that human stuff you love? Totally overrated. Dancing? Usually only happens when you are intoxicated and subsequently pretty uncoordinated. Fires burning? Also not that exciting. Sure, they keep you warm but so does peeing while you swim. And if you come up here, you have to start dealing with things like pollution, discrimination, politics, and a scary number of reality TV stars who we all can’t get enough of. Just stay down there. You don’t want to be a part of this world.
7. Didn’t Think That Plan Through, Did You?
Someone really wasn’t thinking on this one. You can’t mock the bad guy to his face unless you’re 100% sure that all of your bases are covered. Don’t say something clever if you can’t back it up. Especially to your mortal enemy! And certainly don’t give him permission to ruin your whole plan. So when you have one measly little fire going on, and you’re all proud of yourself, think twice. Did you need to make that fire right in front of the baddie? Couldn’t you have gone a little farther away to have given yourself a fighting chance? And if you are going to make your fire right in his face and taunt him with your victory, at least ensure the fire has served its purpose (before running away). Will all of China see your one tiny fire? Probably not. In fact, your troops probably can’t even see it and they’re right behind you. So don’t over-promise. And definitely don’t leave the bad guy with options to call your bluff.
6. Dibs on Kocoum!
Chief Powhatan knew what was up. He knew the foreigners were going to make a huge mess out of everything and be fairly destructive to his people and their land. And he knew that his willful and ungrateful daughter would rather spend her days hanging with her raccoon friend, talking to an old willow tree, and canoeing with suspicious looking English guys. Likewise, the Chief also knows a good catch when he sees one. And he sees one in Kocoum (and so do we). That guy had it going on (even for a cartoon). He was good looking. He was a warrior. He was loyal. And if Pocahontas doesn’t want to wake up and see that, you better believe Chief Powhatan is going to make his move. Watch out Pocahontas, with John Smith on a boat back to England, you might want to take Kocoum up on his proposal. But it might be too late if dad is already making his play.
5. Gaston’s True Feelings
Okay, so it’s probably not news that Gaston is a bit of a jerk. He decided to go after Belle because she was the only woman in town who didn’t care what size his biceps were. And he didn’t think twice before selling out Belle’s dad, Maurice, to a loony bin. And finally, he was pretty much the driving force behind the whole “grab your pitchforks, we’re killing the Beast” thing that seemed a bit unnecessary. So for a guy who only cared about looks and whose only goal was getting Belle to be his bae, it’s really not so shocking to know he had Belle’s booty on the brain the whole time. In fact, given his lack of intelligence, Belle’s booty might have been the only thing he had on the brain the whole movie. That would explain a lot of his terrible decisions…
4. How To Find A Man
Listen, Jasmine is a woman who is working with reality. She is living in the real world. Sure, true love would be nice. Who doesn’t want to meet their Prince Charming and live happily ever after? To fall head over heels in love with someone you can’t live without and who can’t live without you? Sure, that sounds pretty good-sign us up! But that doesn’t always happen. Not in the real world anyway. And a girl has to be prepared. So while love might be our first choice, we’re going to need a solid plan B. And marrying for money is definitely a pretty good back up. If we can’t have butterflies in our stomach, we’ll settle for a Birkin bag on our shoulder. And if we can’t have romantic love notes tucked under our pillows, we’ll take $100 notes tucked into our wallets. Some say its shallow, others say it’s smart. We’re with Jasmine on this one.
3. I Asked You To Do One Thing
Sleeping Beauty didn’t ask for very much. I mean, she didn’t even ask for people to call her by one specific name. Girlfriend would answer to “Aurora”, “Briar Rose” and “Sleeping Beauty.” She didn’t care too much when she got taken from her home as a baby by three crazy fairies. Along with being raised in the woods without any outside human contact (didn’t she find this odd?). Oh, did we mention that the “home” she was taken away from was a castle because she was a PRINCESS? Yeah, girlfriend put up with a lot. And that’s not including that time she met a cute guy in the forest who danced with her and all she wanted to do was bring him by the cottage to meet her fairy aunts. So our poor girl, whose whole world was turned upside down, is just looking to have a bit of a lie down. Some time to close her eyes. She rests her golden locks on the pillow and calls out for someone to close the door. And do they? Of course not.
2. You’re On Your Own
Grandmother Willow was constantly dropping some pretty impressive tree wisdom on Pocahontas. She even shared her tree wisdom with John Smith, who Pocahontas just decided to bring along to her tree therapy session one day. G-ma Willow even let the crazy little animals play around on her branches for a while until she had to show them who was boss. So yeah, we can understand why she might have needed a break. She can’t always be figuring out your life for you, Pocahontas. It’s time to follow the wind on your own time. And G-ma Willow definitely can’t be spending all her time handing out free wisdom to random dudes and pet-sitting your crazy animals. She has tree things to do! Y’know, providing shade, stretching out her roots, and trading gossip with the other trees. And a whole bunch of other important stuff us humans probably wouldn’t understand.
1. Know Your Cutlery
You know who also doesn’t have the time? This guy. He’s old. He’s tired. And he’s sick of following Prince Eric and his big fluffy dog around. This guy just wants to settle down, put his feet up, and let down his white hair. He wants a night without wearing a waistcoat and cravat. Is that too much to ask? Of course not. So you can imagine how unamused he was with the arrival of a mute redhead who clearly hasn’t spent anytime around respectable human beings. Little did he know, she hadn’t spent time around any human beings period. So does that mean it’s this guy’s job to show Ariel how to act like a normal human? Is he the one that has to pull the “dingle-hopper” out of her hair and say “girl, that’s not a brush…” This guy didn’t sign up to be an adult baby sitter, and he certainly isn’t getting paid enough to deal with this.
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