Craigslist is truly the crammed rack of Goodwill dresses; we never know what fabric we’re going to touch next and how it’ll affect us for the next 15 years. Some might find gold while others could be haunted for the rest of your life, (which is probably what it’s like being an actual gold miner). There are just some things that transcend the plane of “who would buy that?” into “who would sell that?” It’s kinda like when we stare at a French Bulldog for too long, Craigslist is an experiment in the terrible, relentless imagination of humanity playing God. Basically, if no one’s a little nervous to see the next 15 times, then they clearly don’t know how weird Craigslist can get. Things are about to get creepy.
15. Here’s Something Confounding Everyone
Here’s something that proves everything I just said in a single image. They’re not selling a pair of giant Ugg boots, just one. Maybe it’s for that peg-legged giant we all know who wants to get errands done and stay super cozy doing it. Not only are we, potential buyers, super confused as how this exists, but the seller doesn’t seem to fully understand how it came into their possession. All parties are confused and that giant Ugg boot is sitting there smugly, knowing its bizarre origin, and not letting anyone else in on the secret. The most pressing question has to be: is it lined with actual sheepskin? Was an animal sacrificed for a purely ornamental giant boot? Or was quality compromised because this thing is obviously useless?
14. The Worst From-Home Store
What’s one way to make a ventriloquist doll worse? How about multiple it by 10 and include meticulously hand written signs? Yup, that would make walking into this moldy, cat urine-smelling apartment a true living nightmare. If you take the time to read the text below the image, the seller can’t receive texts on their phone. That’s the least weird part of this whole thing; obviously they own 1o landlines (some probably shaped like Cheshire Cats) and a broken fax machine. Is anyone else surprised as to how affordable these are, too? Sure, no money should be spent on any of this and they should all be burned in a pit, and anyone who witnessed their existence ought to receive reparations. Also, it’s kind of crazy that these are all under $100.
13. Still The Worst
Hey look, it’s proof that a single doll can be just as bad as 10! How unsurprising is it that you can divide or multiple old dolls by any figure and there’s still an unchanging scariness that can’t be altered? First off, no child would want to play with this. You could lead a Romanian orphan out of the dungeon where they’ve been raised in total solitude, and if you showed them this doll — they’d sprint, screeching, back into their hellish den. A child could grow up totally friendless and still not want this. This, of course, means that only an adult would buy this. And to do what with? Wait, actually, don’t think about that — let’s just move on and forget that last sentence.
12. This Party Trick
Purely based on how dated this picture of Tom Cruise is, I’m going to bet your Cruise mentor has only the faintest idea how Tom Cruise walks and talks, and it’s derived more from Tom Cruise on The Simpsons than actual interviews with him. If you awoke from a coma in some impersonator’s apartment and it was full of people learning how to impersonate Tom Cruise for a solid hour, you’d absolutely think that you’ve died and went to weird Hell.
“You don’t have to look like Tom” is also the weirdest affirmation that this guy probably tells himself every morning before starting the trek to the Hollywood Star Walk. At least he’s inclusive in the junk he’s selling. Nevertheless, this is a weird class that I hope no one went to.
11. Supplies To Build Your Own Polar Pop Wonderland
I’m going to start out by saying that I have no idea what Polar Pop is and 42 ounces is way too big for any drink that doesn’t exist. Just thinking about it makes me think that’s enough to land you with a terrible UTI. While this picture is great fuel for your imagination on how much you could build with these cups, the really interesting story is in the text. To paraphrase, this guy keeps his stash (estimated at 1,060 cups) in his office and his boss has recently decided he has to get rid of them. Instead of harboring that kind of negativity in his life (or moving his collection into his home?) he’s in the market for someone desperate to take his many cups. However, the most important thing is that this boss is otherwise a pretty cool boss. He let this dude have these cups for far too long.
10. These Cages For Violent Tomatoes
I have a single beef with this posting: really, anything you can think of could be an eyeball poker. 99% of all things that feel great on your skin are torture on your eyeballs. Petting a baby bunny with your hand, foot, or nose is heaven, but petting a baby bunny with your eyeball is a Saw-like level of punishment. If someone describes something as an eye poker, we really have no idea what they could even mean, since any object can be called an eye poker. This is a pretty normal listing, except that there’s no way those structures are called “tomato cages.” They’re not tigers that need to be confined, they’re inanimate tomatoes.
9. The Story We’re Not Getting
The only way a couch/futon could be aggressive, let alone overly aggressive, is if it’s too soft and consumes your phone and your butt, making it difficult to stand up when you try. Or what if there’s a completely different origin of the story that we’re not getting here; like, even more terrible behaviors from this couch. If a couch bit you… wouldn’t you feel it? It’d be a crazy moment for all furnished items and I’d definitely suggest that your apartment is a bridge into another dimension. Additionally, if a couch punched you, wouldn’t that just be a one-sided, supernatural pillow fight? Unless this couch possesses people and animals with way more upper body strength, an overly aggressive futon just doesn’t sound all that bad.
8. A Trip No One Needs To Take
It’s not that I want to deride VHS. I could never tear down that bulky, extremely temporary form of film recording that disintegrates after only a few views; it’s a highly imperfect technological hallmark and it’s how I watched The Lion King. The thing is that, all of these tapes have been recorded on. You’d be buying this guy’s life and memories on tape. Sure, you can record over it but… isn’t that really sad? Isn’t it upsetting that this guy is pawning off all his recorded experiences? The post goes on to say that there’s literally thousands of these tapes. Not just plural thousands, but in the double digits, mid-20 thousands. So either there’s some kind of passion behind these tapes or at least determination, on the seller’s part, for home videos. It’s just odd that now he’s throwing that all down the river…
7. The Weirdest Bargain
“Buy 8 Get 10 Free” is the rabid, King Kong-sized cousin of “BoGo” that you might want to avoid entirely. Any sale where you get more for free than you actually purchased is extremely suspect. Or it’s just a veritable herd of unwanted animals at bargain bin prices. The text on this is a little difficult to read but basically, he’s selling each alpaca for $70 (which is a terrifyingly low price) because his wife won’t let him bring 18 alpacas into the city where they’re moving. As he says “whatever, I’m over it,” it’s kind of a weird sentiment for parting ways with a tiny kingdom of pets. What he’s selling is an entire alpaca farm and the ease with which he’s sending them off is just unsettling.
6. The Worst Trade
Oh, an instrument that could go for the low end of hundreds—and possibly thousands—in exchange for brief skin-on-skin contact with a stranger? Never, ever, ever. I would rather receive nothing as payment than a high five or low five from this guy. I’d be so much happier pouring money into music lessons I don’t even want than responding to this posting. Why is he assuming people want to get rid of instruments for free (okay, there’s a high five involved but I think we’ve all agreed that carries a negative value)? Is he just approaching the transaction with a ton of bravado by being like, “I know you want to give me this thing for free and definitely not for money”? Does that actually work?
5. This Offer That Defies Description
This is a whole novel wrapped up in the neat little bundle of a Craigslist posting. We’ve got a train room that is being offered to get destroyed, but only a little bit destroyed (these trains are “his sons”). We’ve got a broad call from a guy who for sure isn’t gay (his sexuality isn’t at all interesting except that he’s denying it. What’s amazing is his idea of intimacy involves stomping) and a whole buttload of imitation crab meat. Those are all the ingredients for a beautiful story or the most whimsical serial killer ever. Oh there’s also a picture including his face because why waste time being ashamed about what you love? Obviously the town’s train guy is into some weird stuff and he doesn’t need to hide that.
4. The Almost Normal Post
What makes this post so weird is pretty subtle. Do you see it? It’s not the color palette of mustard, Cheeto orange, and booger green. It’s that this furniture is apparently from the 1950s (which checks out) and has the original fabric. That is so… disgusting. It’s impressive that the fabric hasn’t straight up dissolved in the last six decades, but wow, this is just too vintage for me. Those stains are part of history and that’s not a good thing. And the smell… you could probably track the changes in cigarettes from the 1950s to now just from a whiff of these bad boys. Nothing that’s lived indoors for that long should still have the “same fabric,” even people don’t have any of the same skin cells they were born with after 60 years.
3. The Industry That Will Never Exist
There’s not a lot of ways this could be less appealing. Sure, it’s probably a BYOS (bring your own sheets, which would be a good thing in this case), but obviously there are no testimonies. This traveling mattress doesn’t have Yelp reviews and if it did, they’d be entirely skull and knife emojis. Also, an $11 hourly rate? That’s a bit steep when I can find a mattress on the curb, just as these entrepreneurs obviously did. If I’m going to wake up covered in bedbugs like I’m the recipient of a Biblical plague, I might as well save some money doing it. Imagine being kicked away by a guy wanting to know if you’ll pay another $11 for an hour or more of sleep. Or don’t, that’s really tragic.
2. The Once In A Lifetime Deal
I really, really hope these sellers will travel up to 50 miles to their buyer. It’s just good business. The listing is hard to read, but it ends with a single request: “pay it forward.” How much good karma does the recipient of this cheese envelope really owe? Maybe it’s not littering or letting two cars into your lane? That sounds like way more of a good deed than broadcasting extremely processed cheese onto the Internet when there’s probably a chubby squirrel waiting outside who’d love to snack on it. Oh, also, if you really squint and read the listing, this cheese has been kept in a fridge at approximately 50 degrees Fahrenheit. Okay, well that cheese would be spoiled if it wasn’t entirely made of plastic and that fridge is absolutely broken.
1. A Hard Negotiator
What’s more terrifying than a mid-sized van being sold for less than an iPhone? Oh yeah, the double reminder of knowing there’s no title and that the seller needs it gone so fast they can’t even finish typing “gone.” That’s how fast it’s gotta get out of here. This car is obviously under some kind of heat from the cops or someone else equally terrifying, so really it’s pretty ballsy for the owner to put it up for sale and not just ditch it.
Oh, what’s that you’re saying? Maybe there’s another reason he needs it gone? What would that be — so he can clean the square of driveway it’s parked on ASAP? Anyone who “needs” a car gone doesn’t have a good reason for it.
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