There is a lot a woman does to keep up with the global standard of beauty. Hair upkeep, makeup, diets…and nails. You can tell a lot about a woman by how her nails are styled. Broken, dirty nails can either prove she’s hard-working, or she hasn’t bathed in a while. Bitten to the nub nails shows we are either anxious or lost our nail clippers. Chipped nail polish shows we once had goals of seeming polished (ha, get it?) and sophisticated, but busy lives got in the way of upkeep. And then there are those who have nail game that is the work of pros. And then there are others whose nails got a little too intense for us normal folks. Whether it’s for the sake of art, addiction or way too much time on their hands, here are 15 nail arts that take things a little too far.
15 The lightsabers for nails
This is a case of someone’s obsession with Star Wars going a little too intimate with their glam side. If Mace Windu ever needed to memorialize his lightener, here is the way to do it. Actually, Mace Windu is the only one these nails make sense for, because he can use the force to move things. These nails would make it impossible to pick up anything, so unless you have telepathic abilities or an assistant who follows your every order, these nails are a little too far for the daily life of routine. We could starve if we had these nails because of how difficult it would to make any type of food. Even the simple act of opening up a pizza pocket wrapper would take an hour with these nails.
14 Who needs pointe shoes when you have these nails?
These toe nails make all of us cringe. Whether they are fake or real, this is someone who has sacrificed the ability to walk for their interpretation of beauty. Dancing would be painful, putting on shoes would be a nightmare. Unless they wear flip flops or sandals, there is no way that those toenails would fit into a normal size shoe. It’s a nice shade of red, but reminds us of blood since these toes are more claws than nails. These are toes that only those with feet fetishes would love, and even they might be turned off. And based on the angle the picture was taken, someone else had to take the picture to bring these beauties into the world. We only wish they had said no.
13 The nail bouquet of no
This just reminds us of Evil Dead 2 when Bobby Joe turns into a tree, as we’re not sure when the nail ornaments start and where hand ends. This is another case of someone requiring to sit still and not move, for fear of hitting their hand wrong and breaking a finger. We wouldn’t risk getting this person angry, because being slapped across the face with this nail art would require an emergency room visit, and mostly likely an optometrist fitting for a glass eye. This nail art would take no prisoners, and despite its innocence decoration, is actually a weapon worthy of needing a license. When someone wears this type of camouflage, they often end up bringing home enough venison for the entire winter season.
12 Bejeweled nails from hell
These are the type of nails that someone dreams of having for prom, only to end up looking back at the night with terrors and trauma, because there is no way that this person would be able to put their wrist corsage on themselves without some deep nail gouging. These nails are another case of overcompensation, where the length of the nails equals being someone of higher status, because even the task of going to the bathroom would require at least three handmaidens. These bejeweled disaster of nails look attractive at first glance, just like fool’s gold. It’s only when we get up close and personal that we feel bitter disappointment at being tricked once more. These nails would only attract the most greedy and desperate souls.
11 The nails that be lion
These nails remind us of that scene in The Lion King where Simba asked about the land beyond the borders and Mufasa only responds that they must never go there. Maybe this person loves the wild so much they decided to take matters into their own hands, and decided to take children’s toys and superglue the toys to their nails. There is an entire safari ecosystem sleeping on their fingernails. All it needs is some rain to try and wash some of it away, but alas, there is rarely rain in the desert. These nails take the memory of a beloved children’s movie and twists it into something dark and ugly, like our emotions when Simba couldn’t wake his father up. No one is stampeding over the right to hold this hand.
10 I (won't) get you, my pretty
If a witch and a dragon had a baby, these nails would be the tools the baby uses to rip itself out of its mother’s uterus. The only moment of relief we felt when looking at this picture is—thank goodness they are attachments—closer to rings than actual fingernails. It still is overkill though, because who would wear these unless it was a prank or a Halloween costume? Why don’t they do what the rest of us do when we are feeling witchy—create nails out of Bugles? At least then we can eat them after we are done practicing our cackle laughter. If the Wicked Witch of the West was wearing these when confronting Dorothy, Dorothy would have thrown the bucket of water a lot earlier in the movie.
9 These puzzling nails
These nails take a fun game that has been around for ages and turns it into a maddening reminder of the worst parts of the game. A true gamer would have made sure these Tetris shapes would line up to make a solid line if the person put all their nails together. Instead, they are left with gaps that would make Game Over happen a lot faster. While these nails do look cool, they go too far because they are just taking a beloved game and turning them into a fashion accessory. What’s next? Donkey Kong? Mario and Princess Peach thumb stickers? There are some memories that are best left on t-shirts, pencil cases and other types of merchandises—not turning them into nails that are only a pray away from snapping off.
8 These nails popping up like daisies
The face behind the nails say it all. She’s not impressed, we’re not impressed and the world’s not impressed with these flower nails that should just be left in a stack of dictionaries to be pressed into a memory. These flowers should be a delicious garnish left on a wedding cake, not nail extensions that make it difficult to grasp the fork to eat the cake. The only benefit of these nails is that the person who is wearing them will never be tempted to pick their nose in public again. The result would be horrifyingly painful, and probably would leave a mini Groot growing alongside the nostril hairs. We should nip these nails in the bud before they grow into a fashion trend that none of us are happy with.
7 When you run out of makeup...don't use nail polish
This is someone who ran out of hand space so decided to use their face as a canvas instead. Or the more likely scenario—forgot that we need to be careful with nail glue and ending up getting it all over their fingers. And if they ended up having an itchy nose…forget about it. They are left with fake fingernails on their face instead of their hands, and somehow the nail polish bottle ended up there, too. It’s okay, we all make mistakes…but instead of getting a friend to help them out of this sticky scenario, they tried to save face by turning it into an artistic photo opportunity. Which is fine, if it didn’t leave the audience in horror, and a petition to ban nail polish.
6 Fashionista don’ts
This one angers us, because it looks good. It looks like the perfect decorations for a trendy party that involves little black dresses, masks and plenty of martinis and cocktails. The type of parties that the perfect couples go to and get the perfect selfies that are posted with “me and my bae <3 #lovehim”. That is, until we notice in the close up that these are the nails she has. And then we know that this couple will not last past this night because of how fed up he got with those fingernails. All night he would have been tickled by those feathers, and it would not have been a pleasant feeling. Keep those decorations on the plates, walls and tiny table confetti—leave it off your fingers for the sake of your relationship and boyfriend’s sanity.
5 Fidget spinner nails? Come on, 2017...
The trend isn’t fully a trend until someone tries to turn it into nail art. Someone decided that the fidget spinner toys were not enough of a distraction or easily accessible, so they decided to put one on their nails for all that extra concentration focus. So instead of cracking one’s knuckles when they are bored while waiting in line, they can spin their own little mini nail fidget spinner. Let’s annoy our queue line neighbours in another way—by spinning a spinner that is too tiny for them even to watch with fascination and disgust. A fidget spinner fit for a mouse, on your middle finger. If they end up flipping someone off, the person will be confused—are they angry at me, or are they showing off their own weird way of staying on trend?
4 As if furries weren't disturbing enough
This nail art got really trendy earlier this year, and we don’t know why. You know what’s really fun? Wanting to brush hair out of your mouth and ending up with fur instead! Instead of being the beauty, we get to be the beast when wearing these nails. Get in touch with our inner snarly, anti-social selves with these furry extensions, and end up getting arrested for locking a girl up in a tower. That’ll be a story to tell the grand-kids. They say petting a dog is a really good stress reliever, so if we don’t feel like dealing with the responsibility of taking care of a dog and we don’t have friends with dogs, we can just apply these furry nails on instead. We can pet our fingertips—it’s almost as good right? Not.
3 Nails at the round table
This nail art should be like Excalibur and be tossed into a lake for centuries. A nail art full of different characters typically found in a medieval court is not a good use of nail space. This is for the individual who gets bored in meetings and starts tapping their fingers with impatience. Instead of looking frustrated, we now can be entertaining for other coworkers, roleplaying our favourite fantasy stories with our nails acting out the different characters. This type of nail is a distraction in the workplace, and is another case of creating people incapable of doing the simplest tasks—because they are too busy acting out their favourite scenes from Game of Thrones. A Lannister always pays their debts, and if they wore these nails the debt payment would be having their hand cut off.
2 All the pain with these nails
Often in history, people put up monuments of the gods they feared in hopes to appease them and avoid their wrath. Perhaps this is what this person is doing—painting Legos on their hands as a prayer that never again will they step upon these monstrosities in the middle of the night during their quest for the washroom. By placing Legos in a place of honour within their fingernails, they are warning others of the dangers. The anger of the children’s toy shall not be mocked, or that anger will turn its attention onto the mockers. Legos are the building blocks of fun, not meant to be colourful additions to someone’s nails. Nails can be a great canvas for art, but sometimes people take things way too far.
1 Pumpkin Spice Nails
This just takes the cake…or should we say pie? Someone took pumpkin spice—the spice that is always part of the most popular Starbuck drinks during October, and dusted it over their nail polished fingernails. That’s one way to get into the fall spirit, but it’s also really extra. Who needs Uggs and leggings with their Starbucks cup, when the fingernails holding the cup really seals in what we need to establish our identity that’s different than any other person. If you are trying to save money and trying to stop buying drinks, don’t put these on your nails. Every time we bring your fingers under our chin in a thinking pose, we’ll get a whiff of that pumpkin spice smell and next thing we know, we are overdrafting our debit cards by buying a grande latte every time we are trying to work.