When Myspace started, it was amazing. For the first time, we could stay in touch with our friends without email, instant messaging or phone calls. We could share pictures, music, talk to each other. It was lit—actually, since this was back in the 2000's, we guess we should say it was "the bomb".
Then Facebook came along, followed by Twitter and Instagram. Before we knew it, there were dozens of social media sites to sign up for. It was great! But then...*thunder crashes* the fails started. Social media allowed us to share our interests with others, but some people got carried away. They got weird—and not the eccentric, endearing kind of weird, either. We're talkin' creepy. Even though we loved it originally, thanks to these 15 creepy social media comments, we're gonna go ahead and delete our accounts, now.
15 Thanks for the heads-up, Rich
Rich seems to think the fact that this woman liked one of his pictures means this selfie she posted to her own page is a job application. It's like he thinks this means she's trying to get him to date her, but, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses, YOUNG lady, Rich isn't as free as you think. Sure, he's single and ready to mingle, but it's not that easy.
If this woman thinks she's gonna be first in Rich's life, she's wrong. Jesus is first. She can't even be second, because he's got two daughters (who, it's worth noting, are older than her). If she expects Rich to date her, she's gonna have to satisfy herself with always being third. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
14 Face it, bro, she's not into you
Listen, guy who's name is blacked out, stop trying to get this short-haired girl to text you. She's not going to text you, she was never going to text you, and if you keep being super creepy to her like this where other people on Facebook can see, it's unlikely anybody else will ever text you.
The trouble with this guy is he's mistaken this girl's thanking him for a compliment with flirting, and those two things aren't one and the same. Just because you tell a girl she looks nice, and she says thanks, that doesn't mean she's interested. It just means she's trying to be polite. If you'd pull yourself out of the death grip your creepy stalker behavior's got you in, you'd be able to see that.
13 Isn't the education system bad enough without this guy?
It's not that this teacher denies setting up webcams in the locker rooms of the school he used to teach at, he just doesn't want his former students to talk about it, otherwise his bosses at his new workplace might fire him—or worse, go check their locker rooms for webcams.
We used to think Facebook was nothing more than a fun way to stay in touch with our friends and family and fellow students and teachers, but now...let's just say, once we get some free time, we'll be deleting all of our social media accounts. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. You name it. We just can't be a part of this kind of thing. Our eyes are bleeding enough as it is, we can't lose our vision because of nonsense like this.
12 That's not a compliment, that's pervert talk
Will somebody please explain to these creepy old guys that telling a pretty young girl "If I were ten/twenty/thirty/however many years younger, I would be all over you!" is not a compliment? Because this nonsense needs to stop. It's not a clever way of saying you're attracted to a minor, it's a thinly veiled way of saying you're attracted to a minor, and nobody is actually stupid enough not to see through your creepiness.
Growing up, our mom always used to tell us to "act your age, not your shoe size" whenever we were being immature. We thought that was a really stupid thing to tell someone, but at long last, that idiom is applicable. Time to grow up, fella, and find someone your own age.
11 *Dials 911*
You want her to be your daughter so you can check her out? That's not what dads do. Dads don't leer at their children. Dads don't check their daughters out like they're potential conquests. Dads don't treat their kids like they're all at a singles bar, and they're looking for a one night stand. You know who does do those things? Monsters.
Get your creepy, predatory butt out of this girl's text messages and make a beeline for a police station. You're gonna wind up behind bars anyway, so just save us all some trouble and have yourself arrested before somebody gets hurt. And by "somebody", we mean you, because when this girl's real dad finds out what you just said to her, he's gonna beat you up for sure.
10 Our level of disgust has reached critical mass
Hey, uh, we hate to bug you, but could you stop drooling over your niece? Not because we need you to do something else or anything, but just because it's really creepy, and we don't know how much more we can take. So stop it. The sooner the better. Please and thank you.
Got to say, we're getting really sick of seeing these people flirt with their relatives. Sick figuratively and sick literally. We're gonna have to call and make a doctor appointment, and when she asks us what's wrong, we're just going to show her this picture, and then, do you know what's going to happen? She's going to get sick, too, because this is creepy and disgusting. Normal people don't do this kind of thing
9 Pathetic is this guy's middle name
If you're a grown man, it's time to stop lying about your pictures—and that doesn't just go for men, it goes for anyone over the age of 15. Photoshopping yourself into pictures with celebrities is kid stuff, because they're the only ones who lack the judgement to know that they're being duped. To be sure, this kind of thing is still a fail when children do it and/or fall for it, but when adults post these edited photos, it's creepy. Sad and creepy.
This guy already looks like Rick Springfield and Keith Urban's lovechild. He's already got that creepy image working against him. He should've been more careful not to be creepy in personality—but then again, how can he not be when creepy is obviously his M.O.?
8 This isn't a competition
Some people think everything is a competition. "You came up with a clever pun? Ah, well, how about I come up with an even better pun, what do you think of that? You have a funny story? Well, this one thing that might have happened to me or might not have is ten times funnier than your little tale, so suck on that! You think people running around with huge smiles on their faces are scary? How about if somebody who has knees that bend the other way and spiders pouring out of their eyes chased you down a dark alley while running backwards? How's that for scary?" Like, alright, gee whiz, you win. Reign it in there, okay? We're gonna have nightmares for the rest of our lives, now.
7 Time for a restraining order
Sure, you can take her profile picture and use it as your own—and come up with the creepiest explanation for that move that you can possibly imagine, while you're at it. If you're gonna be a sleaze on social media, go big or go home. After all, are you really succeeding as a stalker if people aren't trying to get restraining orders against you? Because we don't think so.
This guy knows it's not enough to be a creepy guy on social media, he's got to be a creepy guy on social media that takes it so far, the law gets involved. He's going for that legal document that says he's not allowed within 100-feet of this girl, because, dang it, he's not a creeping loser—he's a creeping winner.
6 *Aggressively sticks ADT Home Security sign in front of house*
Oh, that's okay! You wouldn't want to visit our house! That grubby old place? Why would you want to go there? No, you wouldn't enjoy that at all. Besides, we're, uh...we're...having some remodeling done—yeah, that's it. We're having our kitchen and our bathroom, uh...re-floored. Yes, so there's actually nothing to stand on. And the roof's gone as well. In fact, know what? We don't even have a house! Ha ha! Do you believe that? So there's no need for you to pay us a visit. You just stay there. Stay there and we'll, uh, we'll just stay over here. That's a good idea, right? That way, nobody has to move, nobody's put out and we all stay alive! Yes, that's a good plan. *Tugs at shirt collar, wipes sweat off forehead*
5 Well, that's a nice offer...we guess...
"Listen, I hear you've been looking for a place to stay. For what it's worth, if I weren't seeing someone, you could come live with me. I've got an extra bedroom, extra bathroom, everything. Well, actually, it's not a bedroom, it's my basement. And, actually, it's not a bathroom, it's a bucket next to the pole where I'd chain you and keep you prisoner. I wouldn't even charge you rent. And, you know, I wouldn't mind if you came to stay there now, but you know how my girlfriend is. She got tired of hearing the last guy scream at all hours, that's why I had to deal with him, if you know what I mean. Anyway..."
Yeah...we don't think we'd be accepting this creeper's offer, whether they're single or not.
4 Just admit defeat, Rudy
Rudy has a lot to Shay—er, we mean, say, doesn't he? Come on Rudy, boy, you're going to have to learn a new tune if you want this fair lady to fall for you. 'Course, that's not all you'll have to do if you want to win her heart. Indeed, that's not even the first thing that you should do.
For starters, you need to work on not being a creepy stalker. Try being...oh, what's the word? Ah, yes, that's right. Normal. Try being normal for a change, Rudy, and maybe then you'll have more luck with the women folk. In fact, Rudy's not the only one in this lineup who should heed that advice. Every other greasy slime ball here should give being normal a shot.
3 This won't make family gatherings weird, will it?
Gaw lee! What is with these horrible relatives being turned on by their kin? All y'all is some dang sickos, and for the life of us, we just can't figure out why you all think it's okay to congregate on Facebook. If you know better than to voice your disgusting crushes on your relatives to other people in person, what makes you think it'll be okay to open up about it on social media?
Typically, we're lovers, not fighters. Well, not really lovers so much as junk food eaters and avoiding workers. Anyway, point is, we don't like to see people fight, but we hope this niece's friends/parents/siblings/other decent, non-creepy relatives see this comment, and put the hurt on her uncle for this.
2 You want to be a good parent? Don't do this.
Anybody out there know a good lawyer? We just facepalmed so hard, we broke our wrist. Seriously, we're looking at bone right now. We should probably go to the E.R., but before we do, we want to make sure that this parent will foot the bill. We want them to pay for damages. It's only fair.
We hope this parent's loaded, because not only are they going to have to pay for our medical bill, they're also going to have to fund this little girl's many, many future therapy sessions—because, let's face it, it's hard enough for us adults to make it through the cringe-fest that is the Fifty Shades movies, we can only imagine what kind of horror that must be for a small child.
1 We bet Peter's been called worse than "weird" in his day
Sure, why not. Flirt with your aunt. Make it weird. That's what Facebook is all about, right? Voicing the thoughts that occur to you without censoring them or repressing them or shoving your hand in the toaster before stepping into the shower just for thinking them.
Dude, stop. Do you realize how awful you'd have to be for some outsider to tell you that you need to stop sweet talking your aunt? Because that's a level of wrong that words can't describe, and if you don't understand that, then we're afraid there's nothing we can do for you. Look, why not just delete your account, put your creepiness behind you, join a dating site and find a nice girl who's not related to you? We'd all be better off.
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