Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching, and while they say that any gift that comes from the heart is a good one... some gifts are just downright weird and awful, no matter how good your intentions are. Plenty of stores and websites sell a variety of intentionally horrid presents to give to your loved ones on February 14th, but somehow, some people have trouble realizing the gifts they're buying were meant to be jokes, not genuine. If you even considered giving any of these creepy gifts to your significant other, put away your credit card and maybe invest in a couple's therapist instead.
15 Elephant poop flowers
When you give these to your loved one and ask them to "stop and smell the roses," you're actually just tricking her into sniffing some recycled Dumbo poop. That's right, these "sustainable flowers" are hand-made completely out of elephant dung by Uncommon Goods in Thailand. They supposedly don't actually smell like poop, and unlike the fresh cut, important roses that girls typically like on Valentine's Day, they don't put a strain on the environment and are super eco-friendly and sanitary... but they're still made out of elephant poop! Unless your significant other has some sort of poop fetish, don't even think about buying these, no matter how environmentally friendly you and your lover try to be.
14 A reservation at White Castle
You know Olive Garden is going to be super packed on February 14th, and you had to have made reservations a month ago to get a table at that nice, new restaurant in town on the big day. So where are you going to take your honey for Valentine's dinner? No matter how far away the next best available restaurant is and no matter how awful a cook you are... your answer should not be White Castle! The fact that a fast food eatery even has reservation-based seating is absolutely astounding, and while there's bound to be some people that do call that number and reserve a table, you better not be one of them. Ordering a pizza and eating it on the couch at home while watching a romantic movie is as cheap as a dinner at White Castle, and it's a lot less embarrassing.
13 Customized face chocolates
The idea of sending in a picture of your loved one and having a company turn the picture into a customized 3-D chocolate with his or her face on it actually seems pretty sweet, in theory. That is, right until you see this finished product from Tokyo's FabCafe, and... all of the nope. These chocolates are more appropriate for Halloween or the set of Disney's Haunted Mansion film. It's not even just the crying chocolate that's super creepy, the smiling one might actually be even worse! Either way, no one could use the words "cute" or "romantic" to describe this gift, even if it is pretty thoughtful and original. Everyone loves chocolate, but a normal box from your local supermarket is less likely to induce nightmares.
12 This creepy AF "sweet-shirt"
Valentine's Day is all about getting a chance to reignite your passion and feel close to your partner, but there is such a thing as feeling too close. This horribly named "sweat-heart sweet-shirt" crosses every line you can imagine. It's ugly, it's too embarrassing to wear in front of virtually anyone, it doesn't look particularly comfortable, and it tells your boyfriend that you're super clingy and that you have no concept of personal space. Two-person Snuggies are weird too, but at least it's clear that those blankets-with-sleeves are just meant to be worn in bed or on the couch... sweatshirts are typically meant to be worn on cold days in public, but there's no way you could step one foot out of your house in this without a dozen pairs of eyes turning your way. Distance can make the heart grow fonder, and your boyfriend's heart will definitely grow fonder if you never, ever buy him this.
11 Fifty Shades of Grey... or any of the sequels
You buying Valentine's Day gifts that'll help your boyfriend spice things up in the bedroom a bit, and instead of giving him a pair of handcuffs to use on you that night, this year you want to give him a Fifty Shades book so he can learn how to be a bit more dominant like Christian Grey. No! A little bit of BDSM never hurt anybody when done properly, but no matter how turned on you get by Christian, you'd never actually want to be treated the way he treats women in real life. That book is filled with non-consensual sexual activities, manipulative relationships, and is, on a variety of occasions, outright disturbing. Buy a whip, some cuffs, maybe some rope or hot oils, whatever turns you on... but stay far away from this book series. It's literally just Twilight fan-fiction for horny old ladies.
10 These low-key prostitution checks
Cute little "I.O.U." notes for hugs or kisses are endearing, so checks for more provocative sexual favors must be super sexy and clever, right? Wrong! These "sex checks" essentially turn you into a hooker, and while they claim to help you "maintain balance in the bedroom," they actually do the exact opposite. By signing these, you're basically telling your man that he owns you and can use you to satisfy his needs regardless of whether or not you're in the mood. You two just got in a big fight? He can hand you the check you signed, promising to serve him dinner naked. You've had a hard day at work and just want to relax and take a bath? Nope, he's got a check which requires you to give him a massage with a "happy ending." Sounds a bit more like sadistic prostitution than a "balanced relationship."
9 A cockroach named after your loved one
In 2011, the Bronx Zoo started at "Name a Roach" program as a way to raise money for the Wildlife Conservation Society, and every Valentine's Day since, horribly-unromantic people have actually paid money to have a Madagascar hissing cockroach named after their significant other. For $10, your loved one can receive a digital certificate with their roach’s name from the zoo, and for an extra $50, they can receive some chocolates and a roach plush as well! Sure, "flowers wilt" while "roaches are forever," but that means the love of your life will spend the rest of their life knowing that somewhere, a cockroach with their name is crawling around the Zoo. That's not a memory worth keeping forever.
8 Edible meat undies
Men like meat. Men like seeing women in their panties. Does that mean if you combine the two, you'll have the perfect Valentine's gift? No, no it does not. These completely edible meat undies are not even remotely sexy, as they look like something only a caveman or cavewoman would wear. Incorporating food into the bedroom can be fun, and sure, meat panties are less messy than chocolate sauces or whipped cream... but a few minutes of clean-up after some fun sex sounds better than making your man eat through a pound of beef jerky before things get started. At best, he's going to get a few bites in and just tear the rest off of you, and then you're left with an expensive pile of used jerky.
7 Fundies, the undies for two!
You thought the "sweat-heart sweet-shirt" was bad? This is so much worse. Let's just break this down... you're supposed to strip down, uncomfortably slip into these with your partner, and then what, have sex while wearing them? In what way is that more desirable then having less-restrictive sex while not wearing them?! Or are you supposed to walk around your house wearing them together, like the two of you are in some sort of kinky and creepy trust exercise? It's just not logical. Also, this is the sort of product you absolutely have to buy online, because it'd be way too humiliating to bring these to a cashier and look them in the eye as they ring you up. Just buy normal one-person underwear, please.
6 Crabs. Of any variety
"Give someone crabs for Valentine's Day!" Does anything more really need to be said about why this is creepy? If you want to have the same loved one on February 14, 2018, save the STD jokes for April Fool's Day (or maybe just never make STD jokes, ever), not one of the most romantic days of this year. You can claim that you bought your honey the hermit crabs because they were cute and not because you got an immature kick out of the "I'm gave you crabs" joke, but you're not fooling anyone. You should probably just avoid pet stores altogether, because thousands of people every year buy animals for their loved ones on Valentine's Day only to return or re-home them a month later upon realizing that they were never ready for the responsibility of having a pet.
5 An engagement ring... keyring?!
Again, trolling your partner is something you should do on April 1st, not February 14th. If you've been with your girlfriend a long time and you hand her a box with a beautiful diamond ring inside, but that diamond ring turns out to actually just be a keyring... expect to sleep in your car that night. If you are even considering this gift, it's likely because you and your girl are in a place in your relationship where you're considering getting engaged, so letting her think the proposal is finally happening only to shut her down and break her heart isn't going to go over well. You may be thinking, "but she has a great sense of humor, she'll totally laugh!" She might, but deep down, she's still going to wish it was the real deal and will spend the rest of the day bummed out. Don't be a jerk.
4 A nice heart-shaped box of meat
What is it with companies thinking manly men only want meat on Valentine's Day? Is there any guy out there that's too tough to enjoy chocolates?! Everyone loves chocolate! Root beer, Japanese sesame and garlic-flavored beef strips all admittedly sound really delicious, but there has to be something more romantic you can give the special guy in your life. If you don't want your man to treat you like a piece of meat, it might be best for you to stop assuming that meat is virtually the only thing that he's interested in. However, if you like your men like Gaston from Beauty & the Beast, then go right ahead and order this from Mancrates. Just don't expect to get anything romantic in return.
3 Karma Sutra cookies
This Etsy store was totally on the right track. They put their cookies on top of some festive red confetti, put them in a cute polka-dotted box and tied the box with a nice red bow. Then, you look at the cookies themselves and realize that yes, the cookie characters are having sex. In unusual positions that you can only find in a Karma Sutra book. If you hope that buying these can be your subtle way of telling your partner that you want to try out new techniques, just buy a regular box of non-kinky cookies, and pick up the Karma Sutra yourself so you can surprise him with your newfound knowledge. Trying to imitate a cookie's sex position is way too weird.
2 A "Look, chocolates! Wait, no, you're too fat" scale
This is just plain cruel. Giving your girlfriend a scale on Valentine's Day is an incredibly heartless way of suggesting she needs to lose some weight, but buying a scale that features a picture of a box of chocolates on it is saying "you're fat and I find humor in your misery." It's basically torture! Every time she looks down at the scale, she'll crave chocolate, but the numbers that pop up on the scale will remind her that she can't eat it. This scale shouldn't even exist, let alone be considered an appropriate gift for a romantic holiday. Get this out of your Amazon shopping cart right now if you don't want it thrown at your head once your loved one unwraps it.
1 Teeth jewelry
This is by far the creepiest Valentine's Day gift that has ever existed, and hopefully, nothing more disturbing will be made by anyone ever. Polly van der Glas has been creating jewelry centered on materials that were once attached to our bodies since 2005. If you want items with other people's hair, teeth or fingernails, you have to pay full price, but if you donate them yourself to gift to a loved one, you can get a slight discount. When attached to the body, hair, teeth and nails are praised and valued as sources of beauty, so Polly hopes that incorporating them into her works will destabilize modern ideas about beauty. Um, what?! It is never okay to buy jewelry which features hair, teeth or nails. If your loved one asks for van der Glas products, run far, far away and never turn back.