(We couldn't hire a real movie announcer for this opening segment, so if you could just read this in a super dramatic voice, we would really appreciate it.) In a world where literally everyone is a dumbass, in a society where social media users wallow in their own stupidity like pigs in a mud pit, one website will dare to post pictures of them and mock their excessive stupidity. Coming to a computer screen near you, 15 Cringeworthy Fails That Could Have Been Prevented.
The review is in: "15 CFTCHBP is a groundbreaking article. A marvel. The perfect article for the sophisticated Fail connoisseur," says the Gaitlinburg Gazette, a free newsletter in a small town in Arizona. Don't miss the article that everyone is talking about. Buy your tickets here, and check it out below!
15 Probably the worst way to roast marshmallows
The first step in any successful preventable fail recovery is being able to recognize and accept that your preventable fails are, in fact, preventable. This Twitter user made a stupid mistake. Completely embarrassing. But, as you can see, she is well aware of it. She's not delusional. She's not making excuses. She's just throwing it out there and trying to move on. Good for you, hon! You're an inspiration to failers everywhere.
On a side note, don't you know her house smelled like the inside of a s'more for a month after this happened. We're not criticizing. Hell, we're jealous. We want our house to smell like melted marshmallow. As soon as we finish ironing our blouse for tomorrow, we're setting this iron right on top of that bag of jumbo size Jet-Puffed.
14 Great, now half of the kitchen is useless
When you have a tiny kitchen, you'll soon realize that every inch counts. Six feet of top and bottom cabinets is not a whole lot—especially considering you have to figure out how to store plates, bowls, glasses, silverware, towels, containers, the bodies of your victims, small appliances, pot holders, pots and pans, etc.
As you can see, there's a lot to store, so the stakes are high when it comes to space making. And that is what really pisses us off about this fail. If you can't trust your architect to plan ahead, then who the hell can you trust?! We're just glad this isn't our kitchen. We guess we should never take for granted that we have full use of all of out drawers and cabinets. Some people aren't so fortunate.
13 Too soon
We're into large pictures of John F. Kennedy as much as the next patriotic American. But we couldn't help but notice that the space between the four screens looks suspiciously like the cross hairs in a scope one might have mounted on a gun. And, well, we think you can make that connection yourself. Anyway, our point is, this is pretty insensitive, considering, and it could easily have been prevented.
Hold on a moment, everyone. It says right here in our memo that this image was actually assembled by Lee Harvey Oswald's cousin. LOL! Just kidding! Wait, you don't think it was too soon for that joke, do you? Damn. We had one shot, and we blew it. Aw, hell, we did it again. Look, let's just cut to the next fail, and say no more about this.
12 Holy sh*t
Well, we just died a little inside. How's everybody else doing out there? Are you people also crying and rocking back and forth in the fetal position? 'Kay, good. Glad we're not the only ones. Just so you know, we're not liable for any of the psychological effects you might have because of this fail. Any new tics or night terrors that you develop after perusing this post are all on you, fam. You pay for your therapy, and we'll pay for ours.
The internet is unpredictable. You log on everyday, never knowing what sort of fresh hell awaits. But this? Holy sh*t, this is worse than anything we ever could've imagined. There are enough problems in the world right now, we cannot handle a violent phone charger uprising, too!
11 Ur doin it wrong
Sautéed Oreos really are so much healthier for you than real fried Oreos. We don't have anything else to say about that, but we thought it was a great thing to keep in mind if you're trying to shed some pounds and get healthy.
Ugh. Dammit. It's too early in the day to keep dealing with this crap. Would somebody please explain to this person that you have to dip Oreos in batter and stick them in a deep fryer in order to actually fry them? Browning your sandwich cookies in a little olive oil is not going to have the same effect. It's going to taste like chocolate bricks and cream doused in salad dressing. Seriously, get your head in the game, you freaking blockhead. Oh, and GTFO of the kitchen.
10 Das ist nicht gut
We took German for a year in high school. We're not fluent, or anything, but we know a few sentences. For instance, "die katze ist braun" means "the cat is brown." "Mieten der Nazi, um Schuhsohlen zu machen war eine schlechte Idee" means "hiring the Nazi to make shoe soles was a bad idea." And, since you've been so good and you've made it this far into the post, we're giving you a bonus German phrase: "Dieser Ausfall war definitiv vermeidbar," which means "this fail was definitely preventable."
Product testing is so overrated. In fact, want to know our honest opinion? Product testing is for rubes who are too scared to take a great idea, like a white supremacist boot, and throw it out there (just kidding, y'all. Please don't think we like the Nazi boot).
9 It's okay to make mistakes
Retrospect and foresight. Both are gifts. This Tumblr user, bless their heart, clearly did not receive either. If they had retrospect, they would've realized that fried potatoes are in fact called fries. If they had foresight, they would've known that they'd be ridiculed for this post. But, now, their thoughtless error has become a relic for future generations of internet users to point and laugh at.
Like the first failer in this lineup, this Tumblr user also knows how to accept the fact they have made a mistake. If we weren't so busy making fun of them, we would be proud of them for being so mature. But, as happy as we are that they're moving forward, we are not about to gloss over the fact that they said that toast annoys them. We've got our eyes on you, you anti-toast bigot. *aggressively slams lever down on toaster*
8 They never saw it coming
One of our most favorite things is watching stupid people do stupid sh*t, and then be completely perplexed about it. Case in point, this image right here. We bet you dollars to doughnuts that the people who put sandpaper on their windshield wipers to clear the snow off the glass are the same people who microwaved their iPhones to charge them faster. They're just terminally stupid. You can't save them from themselves.
Life must be a lot more expensive when you're dumb AF. This person is going to have to pay for their stupidity. Literally. They've got to spend a couple hundred bucks, now, just to fix their mistake. Also, we bet they trip over their own toes when they're at home by themselves—and we know for a fact that they're home by themselves, because nobody loves them.
7 That's not up to code
What is this, the Winchester Mystery House? Look at it. It's got escalators going nowhere, it's got hallways that are impossible to get to, it's got doors that can't be accessed. You could film a really convincing horror movie in this sucker. But, as great as this would be for a haunted house, it's not so good for day-to-day use.
This building was constructed in the atypical and wildly unpopular "Nonsensical" style. When the people funding this project were having the blueprints drawn up, they really shouldn't have given Dyslexic Kevin the authority to give the plans the OK. Why? Because "Nonsensical" and "Neoclassical" look an awful lot alike on paper. It's going to take years of crappy fundraisers to get enough money to rebuild this dog. Next time, they should consider making it a one-story.
6 A real birthday surprise
"Happy Birthday! It took me awhile to figure out what to get you, but I finally found the perfect thing. I got you a new name! It's Steve. Yeah, Steve is way better than your actual name. Nick is so... so blah, ya know? I literally hate Nick. But, I've always wanted a buddy named Steve, so that's what you're going to be called from now on—and don't go thinking you have a say in the matter, because I already had a cake made. Here. Isn't it great, Steve?"
The best part about this post is the picture of the newly christened Steve's reaction. The meme trendsetters need to make this a reaction meme, stat. Then, when that's done, we should all go out and get random names put on our cakes to celebrate.
5 Nonsensical architecture strikes again!
You know, it's greedy of us humans to want an entire staircase to ourselves. If we wish to receive the bountiful blessings of the staircase gods, we should offer up half of every stairwell we build to them as a sacrifice. Maybe that sounds stupid, but we bet you won't be laughing when you fall down the stairs because you incurred the wrath of the stair gods. You heathen.
Even if you accidentally screwed up with your blueprint, wouldn't you realize that you made a mistake when you were constructing the building? Wouldn't you take measures to fix the issue, instead of just rolling with something that really should not be rolled with? Huh? Anybody? Can somebody please give us a straight answer on this? Ugh! That does it! We're calling an architect right now. We need answers, dammit!
4 Next purchase will be a measuring tape
Alright, we take it all back. We argued with our teacher back in third grade. We said that, what with the variety of technology that we have at our disposal, we would never need to know how to use a measuring tape. Much as it pains us to admit it, we were wrong. We do need to know where the quarter, half and three-quarter marks are on the ruler. You have our sincerest apologies, Mrs. Kent.
As far as we can tell, this pet owner has two options: A) buy a bigger cat tree for their cat to play on, or B) wait for the particle shrinker to be invented, so they can shrink their cat to a size small enough to enjoy the cat tree that they already have.
3 Remember: plastic melts in heat
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." James Dean said that. Or maybe it was Benjamin Franklin. We don't actually remember. Either way, the fact remains. It's always better to consider and plan than it is to have to clean up a mess later on. This poor fail person learned that lesson the hard way when they placed their pizza in the oven while it was still on the plastic cutting board. Yikes.
Don't worry, though. This accident is completely reversible. Let that plastic cool, and you'll be able to pull the fail right out of there. A little elbow grease, and that oven will be good as new. And the pizza is still good, too! Sprinkle some Parmesan on top of each slice, and you'll never be able to taste the potential cancer causing BPAs!
2 A big ass mistake
"Elephant ass slide" belongs in the bad idea column. We've heard little kids say some crazy stuff. One time we heard the neighbor kid say he hated cheese, and if you don't think that's crazy, you don't know jack. But, of all of the insane things we've heard them say, we have never heard a little kid complaining because they'll never get to see what an elephant's food gets to see.
We have no clue how this idea was pitched, but we imagine it went a little something like this: "Explore the elephant's mysterious digestive system with our new Elephant Slide! Get a glimpse of the mammal's exciting esophagus, its surprising stomach and its intriguing intestines! Hitch a ride through a huge ass elephant! It's ass-tastic! Join us on our journey to the center of the Elephant!"
1 Time to delete that Facebook account
In quiet moments (when we're not crying about how stupid people are), we like to close our eyes and imagine a new world. A better world. A serene utopia in which money grows on trees and pigs really do fly. Where chocolate bars make you thin, not fat, and where people aren't so effing stupid. Okay, so it's silly, but it helps us cope.
This person needs help. We're not blaming them. Some people are born morons, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. But this totally chaps our ass. We think it's incredibly unfair that we have to be exposed to this person's dumb. If you're going to have the IQ of an intellectually impaired sand flea, please do it inside where we can't see you, and won't have to facepalm because of you. Thanks.