The world is full of disappointments. We're sure your parents have told you exactly that on many occasions. But, still, it's an important thing to remember. Life is a seemingly endless string of letdowns. It's just one setback after another for years, and then you die. Think we're being melodramatic and pessimistic? You're right. But we're right, too.
Life is disappointing. Oh, sure, we try to distract ourselves with nice things, like pictures of baby bunnies and stuffed crust cheese pizzas. But, no matter how hard you try to ignore life's many letdowns, you'll never be able to outrun them. They're always there, always watching you from a distance, waiting to swoop in and eff sh*t up. Just like these 15 disappointing fails that will let you down every time.
15 Maybe Scooby-Doo ice cream wasn't such a good idea
This Popsicle has us feeling inspired. It gave us a short burst of creativity, so we decided to rewrite the Scooby-Doo theme song. And, if you all don't mind, we'd like to recite it to you, now. *Clears throat* Scooby Dooby Doo, what the hell happened to you? That's all we have at the moment. We can't decide if we should write more verses, or if the fact that the revised song disappointingly ends there fits in better with this fail of a Popsicle.
Look, we're all adults here. We couldn't scrounge together two effs to give about what our Popsicles looks like. As long as it's cold and delicious, we're good. But, if you hand this disaster-pop to a little kid, you ought to be ashamed. That's just mean.
Hey, so the next time you grow some watermelons, try to go a little lighter on the water, and a little heavier on the melon, alright? 'Cause this disappoint-melon just isn't doing it for us. We took a bite of this thing without looking, and we broke two of our teeth. You might be laughing, but we're pretty sure our dentist would like to strangle you, right about now.
We love watermelon. No, we really love it. We would marry it if we were allowed to. But this image... it's such a letdown that it's making us question our entire relationship with that tasty fruit. After a lot of thought, we've decided we're taking a break from watermelon. We're switching to cantaloupe. Don't feel bad, watermelon. It's not you, it's us.
Throwing an alien-themed party for your darling child? Don't forget to purchase some of these balloons! They're festive, unique and just disappointing enough to leave the birthday girl or boy in tears! It might sound mean, but these fail balloons serve a vital purpose. They keep with the theme of the alien party, and they impart a valuable life lesson—and aren't life lessons a lot more important that actual gifts?
When your child walks into his/her surprise party to see these balloons, they will be very upset. We're not even going to pretend they won't be. But that's what makes them so great. These sacks of sad enable you to show your child, on their special day, that it's all downhill from here. "Life sucks. Here, have a limp alien balloon."
*Vomits* Sorry, everyone. It's just... blech. Did you look at that? We've heard of chili spaghetti. You can't eat pasta as often as we do without learning about this delightful dish. That's why the picture above is so despicable. How can you possibly screw up something so perfect as pasta and chili? We're dumbfounded and hella grossed out.
We don't know what we expected, though. This is a microwave dinner. It's basically reheatable disappointment. And, hey. Where the heck is the cheese? Why did the manufacturers leave out the one thing that might make this concoction palatable? We don't want to tell the person who opened this microwave dinner how to live their life. If they think they can muscle through this disappointing dinner, more power to them. But if this was our dinner, we'd send it back to hell, where it came from.
11 A refreshing can of nope
Damn you, soda can! You have got some kind of nerve, refusing to give us your deliciously refreshing contents. How dare you come into our good, moral website and try to spread this defiant soda propaganda?! Get out! Do you hear us, you vile disgrace? Get out of here this instant! No, no, wait. Get back in here. We have to make fun of you.
The situation is dire when you have to break out the can opener just to drink a Coca-Cola. In fact, this is how cans used to be. Soda manufacturers decided they had to do something when one customer got so fed up with his impenetrable soda can, he shook it madly for five hours straight. The gases in the can caused it to explode and he tragically died. And that, kids, is why we have pull tabs.
10 Junk drawers
So did you see what we titled this picture? "Junk drawers." That's a clever pun, huh? We thought it was pretty good. 'Cause, see, everybody has that one junk drawer in their house, where they keep all of their doodads and doohickeys. But these drawers are junk drawers because—look, forget it. If you don't understand the pun, we can't help you. Let's just get on with the riffing of this image, shall we?
Well, when you hire the guy who sells cartons of Marlboro brand cigarettes in the drive through of the Tobacco Barn to design your doctor's office, you have to expect this kind of fail. When he told you that he didn't graduate from architect school, you probably should have listened to him. Have fun with your non-functional drawers.
9 This isn't funny
Hmm. We can't decide if this pizza is disappointing, or if it just didn't live up to its full potential. 'Cause, like. On the one hand, this is supposed to be a pepperoni pizza. It should be covered in delicious meat circles. The pepperoni coverage is depressingly scanty. However, on the other hand, this pizza still has one thing going for it, and that is that it is pizza. Besides, it's not this pizza's fault that the teenage boy who got a job at the Costco deli over the summer was stingy with the pepperoni.
All we can do is speak to that boy's supervisor, enjoy this disappointing pizza as best we can, and hope that the next pizza that comes our way has so much pepperoni on it that we don't even know what to do with it. Oh, happy thought.
8 The mighty catosaurus
Often overshadowed by the mighty, but short armed, tyrannosaurus, the catosaurus was fuzzy and adorable. This delightful creature managed to evade mass extinction. This happened because, when the giant meteorite collided with the earth, wiping out all dinosaurs, the catosaurus was off in a cave somewhere, licking itself and ignoring the desperate cries of its contemporaries. Eventually, the catosaurus evolved into what we call cats, and instead of roaming the earth, they rule the internet.
Hey, you will not find another blog that loves cats as much as we do. Bring on the adorable furballs, that's what we have to say. But, even we have to admit that when you want a bag full of cheap plastic dinosaurs, you expect a bag full of cheap plastic dinosaurs. Cat figurines just won't cut it.
7 A raisin in the bun
This is the most disappointing loaf of bread we have ever seen in our entire lives. Not only is it not filled with dried fruit—as the ad promised it would be—the one fruit that it does have in it is a raisin. A freaking raisin. Way to screw the pooch, bread makers who are responsible for this yeast laden catastrophe.
Okay, maybe we need to backtrack a little bit. We're staunch pro-breadists. We believe that every bread is a good bread. We'll eat bread products from bagels to baguettes and everything in between. We wouldn't even turn down the heel of a loaf of store brand white bread. So, even though this one raisin bread isn't the "loaf" of our life, that doesn't mean that it's totally useless. Spread a little butter on that sucker, and we bet you'll barely be able to taste the fail.
6 A mug full of lies
This mug has "Dollar Store" written all over. Not literally, of course. What it actually has written all over it is "Quality." Maybe that was supposed to be ironic? But, if it wasn't, then this is just really sad. How is the owner of this mug going to be able to drink their coffee, now? And what about their hot chocolate? And what about the lattes and the ciders and the mocha frappe-whatevers?! This is devastating!
The saddest part about all of this is that this "Quality" mug was the only drinking vessel that this person had aside from shot glasses. Watching them try to figure out how much sugar and how much cream to put in a medicine cup size amount of black coffee at least thirty times every single morning was depressing.
5 Sewing is harder than it looks, okay?
You find a modern take on Scarlett O'Hara's green curtain dress online, and being the book lover you are, you order that sucker. You willingly fork over the $800, and you even pay for one day shipping, because, you reason, if you're already spending almost a thousand bucks, what's thirty more? You turn on Gone With the Wind, and just when Rhett and Scarlett kiss for the first time, the delivery guy arrives.
You eagerly rip the box open, careful not to damage the goods inside. Oh, but little do you know that there's no possible way that you could screw up this dress anymore than it already is. You take out your expensive gown, and you discover that instead of seductive Scarlett, you've now got the look of a clinically depressed mermaid.
4 "Smart" Ones? Really? That's the name you're going with?
Can you believe that this image actually put the Smart Ones frozen dinner corporation out of business? And, rightly so! If you have the gall to pass this sh*t off as food, you don't deserve a customer base. Those aren't mashed potatoes. Those are the mushy, tasteless remains of the leftover papier mâché stuff that one of the guys at the factory's kid made with his third grade class. And we had no idea that Lego was making meat bricks now. By the way, we would like to ask what the "brown gravy" actually is, but because we're terrified that the answer is sewer water, we're going to refrain from doing so.
Okay, so Smart Ones didn't go out of business. But they should definitely feel ashamed. Every single one of those corporate big wigs should be forced to eat this tray of sick for dinner every night until they make their products good.
3 Water and electricity—the perfect combination
Want to know what we think (and don't you dare say no, or so help us, we will show you even more fails)? Sure ya do! We think that the best place for a water faucet is directly over an electrical outlet. And if you can stick a pair of tweezers in said outlet beforehand, so much the better! We're not professionals on the subject, so we don't want to give you the wrong impression. But we're insufferable know-it-alls, so you can take our word on this one.
Oh, oops. Sorry, did we say the best place for a water faucet? We meant the worst place to put a water faucet. Who designed this kitchen? Was it the guy who designed the fail drawers? The one who works at the Tobacco Barn and who never finished architect school? We bet you money it was him.
2 Pop-Tart of despair
We knew someone who was unfortunate enough to open one of these Fail Tarts. The directions on the back of the box of these poorly iced Pop-Tarts read as follows:
Step One—remove shiny wrapper. Step Two—see that the icing to Pop-Tart ratio is woefully insufficient. Step Three—cry. Step Four—decide that this sub par Pop-Tart is better than no Pop-Tart at all. Step Five—eat immediately, or heat in a toaster or microwave. Step Six—open all of the other Pop-Tarts in the box, just to make sure they aren't the same way. Step Seven—we've already put six other steps on the back of this damn box. If you can't figure out what to do with your Pop-Tart (whether it's iced properly or not) then you might need to move back in with Mom and Dad.
1 Way to ruin a perfectly good pair of khakis
These pants make it a billion times more embarrassing when you accidentally leave your blinker on. We wore a pair of these pants to a party one time. We forgot to turn our brights off when we got to the host's house. Ran the battery down. We couldn't get our own pants started so we could walk home. Fortunately, somebody had some jumper cables. Stuck a clamp on each cheek, gave the car a little juice and we were good to go.
Hm. What are some good puns for this fail situation? Smartass Car, yeah, we guess that works. Hinderbrid, instead of hybrid, that's another option. *Snaps fingers* Ah! Here we go. You wouldn't want to get rear ended in these pants! Ha ha ha! Okay, that was mediocre at best. Well, don't worry, everyone. We'll think of something. In the meantime, thanks for crying with us over these disappointing fails.