Everyone who owns a dog knows that there are few things better than having them in their life. All the stereotypes are true—not only are they man’s best friend but they live for their owner’s company. They want to be wherever he or she is, and minutes apart from their masters feel like hours to them. Yes—we truly love our dogs, and they love us back even more.
But we know the old saying—the only people that can truly disappoint us are the ones that we love. And unlike cats, who are much more opaque and mysterious as to their mood, everyone absolutely knows when a dog is disappointed. They simply cannot hide their expressions.
Disappointment is temporary. But a dog’s love is forever.
15 But…but I’m the real dog!
“And this, puppies, is the day he broke my heart.
That kid. That kiddo. That man-pup. That’s a stuffed animal he was feeding. He’s still young, and just doesn’t know that the toy dog can’t play ball or stick like I can. It won’t fetch his slippers one day. It won’t save him from drowning in the pool. It won’t protect him from strangers on his property or the vacuum cleaner. It will never lick his face in delight or keep him warm in the winter.
That. Is. A. Fake. Dog. He’s feeding real goldfish crackers to a fake dog. Does he have any idea how intense my sense of smell is? I can smell donuts from three blocks away. I know what master had for breakfast at 8 p.m. based on how his shoes smell. I know when that shifty squirrel has been skulking around the back porch.
To me, those cheese crackers smell like super-cheddar poppers, a bouquet of savory cheesy goodness that blasts me with a hose of explosive olfactory bombs. I’m so close I can taste them on my tongue. I’m drooling.
And he’s giving it all away to that chew toy. This kid and his crackers. Someone’s getting an unwelcome present in his toy box.”
14 I didn’t sign up for this
Here’s an old joke we heard a few years ago. “Why don’t the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the heck out of the dog.”
Haha. Skydiving dogs. Like anybody would ever…oh.
We don’t care what kind of statistics people come up with about dogs being OK with falling from over 14,000 feet, it doesn’t sound like something they would instinctually jive with.
And sure, it looks like the dog is smiling, but that’s the force of air blowing his jowls upwards at 14 feet per second. A few of us have been skydiving before, and parts of our face we thought were firm and solid turn into flappy wings when falling like a bullet.
This is a tandem jump, but in most tandem jumps, both people have two chutes. If the guy on top has an aneurysm or something, then the guy on the bottom still has two chutes worth of security.
But we seriously doubt they trained this dog to read an altimeter and pull a shoot if they go below a certain threshold. Is this dog endangerment? Hard to say—we’d like to give the owner the benefit of the doubt. But this dog is probably so freaked out he probably won’t have to walk him for a whole day.
13 Oh. You’re drinking again
Uh-oh. You know, dogs can remember things. They can reason. They know how it all starts.
This dog knows that it starts early on a Friday evening when you pull out a brewski to get the night started. That first one goes down pretty smooth, so you polish off another. Then your friends call you to hit the local bar, so you head over for some stronger IPA’s. Now your belly is full of hops so you decide to bump it up a notch with some potent vodka sodas.
Your buddy Karl is in town and he buys a round of shots.
What are you going to do, say no?
And so what if the cutie in the corner is daring you to do body shots with her? You’re an adult, you can do both.
Before you know it, it’s closing time and you bring back the whole entourage back to drink until you fall down. You wake up at noon, in a puddle of your own drool, upside down on the lawn chair, with the dog licking your face to see if you’re still alive. You smell so bad, you make him gag. He was seriously considering pulling a Lassie and dragging the neighbors over to take you to the hospital.
And that, dude, is why he’s looking at you like that.
12 Is Xbox your best friend now?
“I see you’re playing the new God of War game. Cool. That’s pretty neat that you’re going to spend the next six hours of your life on that. In the middle of a sunny day. And yesterday you just couldn’t get enough of Far Cry. Pretty weird how your prefer tooling around in fake outside vs. real outside. Look, man, I’d play video games with you all day if I weren’t color blind and I had opposable thumbs. Seriously.
But I can’t. But you know what I can do? I can run around with you all day, wherever you want to go. The beach? Fine I love the beach; it’s my favorite thing to do! The park? OMG I love the park. It’s my favorite thing to do! In the yard with the ball? Holy flying squirrels do I love to play ball. It’s my favorite thing to do! But you know my favoritest thing to do in the whole world? Spend time with you.
C’mon buddy. I’ve seen you stare at that screen all day and not smile once. Come outside man, it’s beautiful. I promise when you’re old and I’m long gone, you’re not going to regret playing with me today.”
11 Dude. You gotta get me outta here
“Dude. You would not believe the crap I’ve seen in here. There’s...there’s a dog in the corner the size of a horse. They call him a Newfie or something. Seriously, he’s huge and he smells like a swimming pool and I think he eats puppies.
That guy behind me is some genetic experiment, I heard the bulldog calling him a “labradoodle” – a mix between a lab and a poodle. Who does that? Aren’t there laws against that? He’s freaking me out, man.
There’s a dog the size of a rat running around yelling the loudest. My ears hurt and he keeps trying to jump on my ankles.
Is that even a dog?
Are you trapping me in a pen with rats?
There’s only one ball in here and everyone has already formed their packs to go get it. And it doesn’t look like they’re going to share. And I don’t like the way the Doberman is looking at me.
Whatever I did to deserve this I promise I’ll stop. C’mon. Please? I’ll be good. I’ve seen some things that I’ll never unsee. It’s been at least seven minutes and I’ve had enough. Just get me out of here, man.”
10 I’m an artist. An interior decorator. And you yelled at me
“I’m not really certain what I did wrong here. What you had there was a dangerously low piece of plastic cloth hanging over a wet floor. It was dangerous! You could get tangled up in it! But worse…it was boring!
And you love making me take baths. How am I supposed to jump in the tub if this cloth is in the way? There was only one solution. This “shower curtain” or whatever you call it was way too long, so I had to fix it. And it was fun to fix! It’s much chewier than the living room drapes and is stretches when I pull. For a minute it was like playing tug of war with you. You know how much I love that game!
But then I could see that just pulling off one corner wouldn’t work. We had to have symmetry with this, and texture. This needed to look organic for a jagged and uncertain aesthetic. I’m an artist. This is my work.
So I gave it a once over and look at it. It’s beautiful! And you yelled at me. This is what happens to artists. They suffer. Someday, some people will see its beauty. Someday, you’ll thank me for what I’ve done.”
9 I’ll tell you when I had enough
“You throw the stick, I RUN and grab the stick. I shake stick around, and share stick with you. Now we play tug of war with stick. I let you win then you throw it again. YAY! Then I RUN and grab the stick. I shake stick around. I share stick with you and…wait.
Why you no throw stick? I can’t throw it, I don’t have throwing arms. I have running arms and grabby mouth. You have throwing arms and weak mouth. That’s cool, we good team. Now you throw stick.
Why you no throw stick? Did you forget how? It’s not stick-stopping time. Let’s start it over.
You throw the stick.
Throw the stick. Throw the…
Where did we go wrong here? We have a good thing going. I’m not done playing stick. Are you tired of playing stick? How can you be tired of playing stick? Stick is fun! Stick is exciting! Stick is life!
Why you no throw stick? Stick stopping is making me sad. Do you see how sad I am? Is making me sad making you happy? Throwing stick will make you feel better than making me sad. You know what will make me feel better? Throwing the stick.
Why you no throw stick?"
8 I’m a cocktail. And you're a jerk
“Holy tap-dancing Pluto, do you realize how humiliating this is? How would you like it if you were forced to walk outside with no clothes on except for an Easter bonnet? That’s how embarrassing this is to me. Don’t take me to the park like this…it took me six months to become alpha and I’ll just be back to square one.
That’s not even the hardest part of it. You glued a stick to the cone. You put a stick right next to my face and I can’t even play with it. How would you like it if I put a cocktail in your face and prevented you from drinking it? I’ve seen you toss those things back. You love your cocktails. You loved them so much you dressed ME up like a cocktail. You love cocktails more than me. Admit it. You wish I were a cocktail.
But I can’t be a cocktail. And dressed like this, I can’t be a dog either. And I can’t even play with this stick. I was looking forward to eating the olives but those are fake too. I can’t even reach them to play with them. Why do you hate me so much? Go back to your drink I can’t even look at you.”
7 We’re not speaking now
“What did you call that place? The vet?
The vet is a bad place, man. Really bad. Why did you send me there?
I experienced things back there man. Things…things you wouldn’t believe. There was this room where dogs went in and didn’t come out for about 15 minutes. What were they doing in there? Why was everyone wearing white coats? Why were big alpha dogs shaking?
The smells. You know I can smell fear, right? That place was the most fearful place I ever smelled. Dogs weren’t playing, sticking close to their owners. There were no toys, no food. Weird medicine smell everywhere. No grass. No trees. No sunlight. Smelled like when you mop the floor.
My whole reality is shattered, man.
I got in the room…and...she put me on a cold metal table. It smelled like paws and cleaner. Then she took a little metal thing and she lifted my tail…and…uh. You know, I just can’t think about it anymore.
Look, man. Some things are hard to talk about. I’m going to need a minute. I don’t think I can speak to you for awhile.
Don’t expect me to play ball for at least another five minutes. I’m going to need to figure some things out.”
6 This is not how we do things around here
“I thought we had a deal, dude. One pouch of dry food and one pouch of wet food daily. One dry, one wet. Dry, wet. Got it? We had a pretty good system for a while. That dry food goes really well with the wet, man. It’s a mouth feel thing. Like hard nachos and soft nacho cheese. Or when I see you eat crackers with soup. That counterbalance is everything.
Did you really think I would notice that the dry food is missing? What do you take me for, some kind of Philistine? This is your fault. You raised me this way. I can’t change flavor palettes now—the sudden reversal will give my tongue whiplash. I’m not some street urchin dog that’s going to be happy with whatever you give him. I’m your dog. After all, you’re the one that picked me up from an animal rescue. A fine move, from a refined man. Would you expect anything else from me?
No. I refuse to even look at the bowl. Now go into the car, drive to the store, and pick me up what I require. I’ll be waiting here, with this same expression on my face until you deliver the dish that I deserve. But do it now, dude. My patience is wearing thin.”
5 You’re hilarious. But seriously, feed me
“Hahaha. I see what you did there. You took pictures of human food you really wouldn’t let me eat anyway and put it in my dish. ‘What’s he going to do? How’s he going to react!’ is what you’re thinking. Yup, that there is a steak and the thing over on the floor is lobster. That’s a classy imaginary meal you didn’t cook up for me.
Look, kid. I love play time. I love when you throw the ball and I go running after it and grab it and bring it back and we do the whole thing over again.
It never gets old, seriously!
And tug of war? It’s the best! I do my fake growlie think and you do it back and seriously it’s like the funnest thing that ever happened.
But this here? This is meal time. I don’t mess with meal time. Mealtime is NOT play time. So faking me out with fake food? Nah. Pooch don’t play that. If you’re not careful, I’ll find another family to take care of me and just leave you with a photo of me. Don’t ask me how; I’m very resourceful. Now let’s just forget the whole thing…
…If you feed me. Seriously, just feed me.”
4 You’re not going anywhere
“There are no excuses not to take me this time. Last time you came back smelling like sand and cocktails and sun. I know what sun smells like. I was really happy to see you but why couldn’t I go? It must have been because I couldn’t fit in your suitcase.
But look! I can fit this time. Plenty of room. Just put me in and you can take me wherever you’re going. Seriously, it will be fun! Since when have we never had fun together?
I’m not a big dog. You practically put me in your pocket. Even if I didn’t fit in here, couldn’t you find some space for me?
Don’t give me any excuses about how they don’t allow dogs. Dogs are like people, but better. Everyone likes dogs. And if you’re going to a place that doesn’t like dogs, why on earth would you want to go there? If it’s not good for dogs, it isn’t good for people, period. You’re better off staying here with me. Out there, in the no-dogs-allowed places, they don’t have grass and sun and dogs to play with. It’s probably worse than going to the vets.
But if you’re where dogs are allowed, then I’m coming. So, seriously. Where are we going?"
3 It’s time to get up
“Time to get up! You look like you’re having some trouble. No problem! I’m your best friend, and I live with you, remember! Oh boy, this is something I know how to help with!
You’re still laying down though. Cool, no problem. I’m very skilled! I know how to get up—I do it all the time! Let me jump up and help you. Wet nose in your face, buddy! Hahaha. Wet nose in the face. I love that joke.
But you’re not getting up. You’re disappointing me.
Why you no get up?
Oh, I see what’s happening! Your head is trapped on that pillow! It’s like a bunch of squirrels are holding down your skull! Man do I hate squirrels. I’ll help! I'll jump on you like a trampoline and lift you up. I am the best dog ever! OMG, I love getting up! See, you’re better now!
Looks like this blanket is in the way, I’ll help remove that, too. I’m so smart! You raised a super smart dog! You feed me, and then you offer me a piece of your human food as a treat because I helped you get up! We got the morning covered boss! We’re up! THIS IS SO AWESOME!”
2 But there’s no syrup on this
Sure, of course, dogs can smell the waffles you’re making. They can still smell the residual scent of the waffles you made two weeks ago. And bare waffles by themselves are pleasant, but nothing too terribly special.
No, it’s the butter and syrup on the waffles that really make the dog go crazy. Heck, that’s what makes us go crazy! It’s no coincidence that there are more than 1600 Waffle House locations in the United States, 132 in Atlanta alone. That sweet, sweet syrup is more powerful to your tongue than you can possibly imagine. Your brain just loves sugar —many studies indicate it is a more potent high than many controlled substances.
So for the love of Pete, if you’re gonna give your dog human food, go all the way with it. Don’t give him a bare waffle. That’s like buying a kid a car and not letting him drive it for another year. This dog can handle the syrup. He loves you. Give him the waffle with butter and syrup. Sure, he’s going to love you anyway, but if you go the extra mile for him, he’ll go the extra mile for you. Bring him all the way into Waffle flavor country.
1 Please don't take me to the park like this
Costumes on dogs. We don’t really get it.
Costumes are for humans. We like to dress up in silly things and parade around. We have the intellectual capacity to shirk it off and know its all a joke. It doesn’t mess with our self-esteem and we can enjoy it.
But dogs? They depend on body language and scents and not feeling like a total tool. Even if your dog is a SpongeBob fan, the probability is low he’s going to make that connection. And even if he can, so what? Other dogs, even dogs that he knows, are probably not going to recognize them. Dressed like that, they may even see him as a threat.
Any self-respecting dog that sees a dog-monster with a giant square head it totally going to freak out.
Isn’t anyone concerned about the eyewear? How’s this pooch going to see anything? And what about his sense of shame? If pups don’t like the big cone you put on their heads, how is this one going to make him feel?
And how is he supposed to do his business? Whatever money you spent on that costume is going to be doubled by the dry-cleaning bills alone.
Your loyal friend doesn’t live in a pineapple under the sea. Let him free, man.