15 Drunk Texts That Are Too Hilarious To Regret

Sometimes after an evening of partying, you cautiously scan through your text messages and find a large number of drunken texts that you immediately regret. However, certain drunken texts are just way too funny to feel bad about, so you just have to own up to your inebriated stupidity with pride. These drunken messes may have caused the recipients of their texts to laugh at them instead of with them, but hey... all laughter makes the world a bit brighter, and screenshots of those ridiculous texts can serve as a permanent reminder of an awesome night you never would have remembered otherwise.

15 BRB, going to Narnia!

via: Tumblr.com

Drunken messes who don't quite realize they've become drunk messes are always the most fun. This dad set a curfew for his son, and when he wasn't home for dinner, he knew something was up. When his son claimed that he wasn't drinking and was simply trying to find Narnia, you could almost believe he was, in fact, sober... especially since he responded without any typos, whereas his dad kept using the wrong "you're" and couldn't seem to spell "aren't" correctly. Who hasn't tried to find Narnia at least once?! Unfortunately, when the dad then tried testing his son and asked where they live, his response that they sadly reside in an oversized mushroom in Smurf Village kind of gave away that he wasn't in his right mind. So close, kid. You almost had him.

14 At least he told you

via: Runt-of-the-web.com

How many times in superhero movies have you groaned at the main character for not just telling his loved ones his secret identity and sparing them years of suspicion and unnecessary danger? This drunk guy woke his girlfriend up at 3:38 a.m. to spare her of all of that suffering! He started the conversation out very serious, barely letting on that he was drunk so his girlfriend would realize that he meant business. After a few minutes of building suspense and intrigue, he dropped the bombshell. He is the Batman. The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. It's a lot to take in at 3:38 a.m., but we're sure both he and his girlfriend will get a serious kick out of it the next day, even if the news came at the expense of her sleep.

13 Sounds like a beautiful afterlife

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When you get too drunk, it can feel like death would be nothing but a sweet release. This dude was totally willing to accept that his end was nigh, and texted his buddy to inform him of the potential, dream fate that lies before them in the afterlife. Reincarnation as a Great Dane and a "fckn" mermaid or dolphin dude, because dolphin dude's are "hella smart." Hey, everyone has goals, and who's to say that being reborn as a mythological ocean creature isn't a valid goal? His friend likely showed this text off to everyone he could find, and low-key felt honored that his inebriated pal cares enough to hope he becomes a majestic dog someday, so this text was a win for everyone.

12 Someone have a bit of a bird fetish?

via: Buzzfeed

Some couples are just a bit too ordinary to pull off sending sexy texts, but this guy deserves some credit for trying to drunkenly spice up his love life with his girlfriend... even if he did an absolutely horrible job. "I wanna goose" could be sexy if "goose" has some sort of secret, Urban Dictionary meaning, and when his girlfriend tried to inquire what he meant, his continued bird-themed texts of "Mallard me" and "Swan my button" proved he was just way too drunk to be understood. We can't be sure if he just doesn't know how to sext or if he has some sort of drunken sexual fascination with water birds... but either way, you can be sure this will be a conversation this couple will remember and enjoy forever.

11 Quiet that thing down!

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Drunk people can often see and hear things that aren't really there, but if you're so wasted that you start imagining vaginal songs coming from inside your girlfriend's pants, it might be time to stop taking shots. This guy asked his girlfriend about the sounds emitting from her crotch, and it wasn't until he realized her vagina was singing that he realized he was probably too drunk to make sense. She responded in the most hilarious way ever --- a revised chorus of "Do You Hear the People Sing?" from Les Miserables. In this song, instead of rebels singing about injustice in France, the vaginas of horny women sing about wanting "a dick in them." Not quite as poetic, but every bit as epic and memorable as the real song!

10 Taio Cruz is pure poetry

via: Gabvine.com

Julia's boyfriend is filled with a lot of love for her, but in his drunken state, he couldn't quite figure out how best to express that. She knew about his passion and his loyalty to her, but he still desperately searched for more ways he could let her know how he feels. After an hour of plastered soul-searching, he found the perfect words to capture his emotions --- the lyrics of the great modern poetTaio Cruz. Okay, maybe Taio Cruz is better known for singing a few popular club songs than for his profound lyrics, but this guy put a lot of thought into finding the right words, and the chorus of "Dynamite" apparently encapsulated his emotions perfectly.

9 Regret the action, not the text

via: Smilegag.com

When you get drunk all the time, you acquire the ability to text with perfect spelling, grammar, and punctuation, regardless of your level of inebriation. Being able to text well does not mean you are of the right mind to be making other decisions, however, as this guy learned in a painful, bloody fashion. He thought that the more drunk he got, the easier it became to open beer bottles with his teeth. This is a super useful skill to have, as there isn't always a bottle opener or table edge to open a bottle with! Unfortunately, he wasn't quite as talented as he thought, and his bottle-opening efforts led to his teeth bleeding and the potential destruction of his gums. While he probably shouldn't regret these hilarious drunk texts, he should consider giving up on his dream of being a walking, drunken bottle opener.

8 Drunk Jess is such a dirty liar

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Drunk Jess is an overachiever who takes pride in "getting things done" in her hot mess, inebriated state. She's also a woman of mystery who likes surprising her sober-yet-hungover future self. Drunk Jess made lunch for sober Jess, but couldn't honestly recall exactly what she put in the lunchbox. When it came time for Sober Jess to eat that surprise lunch, she was faced with a tragic reality --- Drunk Jess is nothing but a dirty liar, and packed virtually nothing in that lunchbox but sadness and shattered dreams. You'd think you could count on yourself to want your future self to be well-fed, but apparently, Jess shouldn't have any faith in her drunken alter-ego's compassion for her. Drunk Jess is one of those people who just wants to watch the world burn. Or rather, starve.

7 Thanks for the image, Dad

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We were all faced with a disgusting reality the first time we got the "birds and the bees" talk from our parents or watched the "Miracle of Life" video in middle school Health class --- to make you, your parents had to have sex. That first realization is traumatizing enough, but some kids have had the additional misfortune of walking in on their parents getting down and dirty or, in this poor son's case, receiving drunken reminders that his dad bangs his mom from his dad. He sent that nasty reminder not once, not twice, but three times, each time with an extra exclamation point for added enthusiasm. Being buddies with your dad can be fun, but nobody wants to fist bump their father for sleeping with their mother.

6 Hide the absinthe better next time

via: TheHollywoodGossip.com

When you have younger siblings, you have to be creative with where you stash your secret booze, because you never know if they will tattle on you or worse, drink the alcohol themselves. This older sister thought she'd be safe hiding her absinthe under her bed, but her younger sister found the bottle and started creating chaos immediately upon drinking it. The family dog got covered in vomit, she destroyed the microwave and she jumped into the bathtub with all her Barbies to put on a rousing drunken performance of "The Final Countdown." Good luck explaining all that to your parents, older sister. You didn't even get to enjoy the booze, and you're still screwed!

5 "Friend of the year" material right here

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When you get a bit too drunk, it's great to have a caring, sympathetic friend with you that can take care of you and help sober you up. It's not quite as great when your only friend sees how much of a hot mess you are and wants to make you even more of a plastered embarrassment. This text exchange is pretty hilarious in retrospect, but the drunken friend should probably consider finding someone else to help her in her time of need going forward. The recipient just wanted to get her more drinks, so she could get to the point where she was too sloppy to text at all. "Help me" is usually a pretty good clue that someone, you know, wants help.

4 Yer a wizard, drunk dude

via: Buzzfeed.com

Sometimes, if you get really sloppy, your inner child can take over your body and turn you into an immature imitation of your younger self. This guy got so hammered that he momentarily forgot he was a college student and went back to his Harry Potter-loving youth. Waving a stick around and drunkenly casting spells is safe enough. It's not quite as wise to go up to a huge biker under the impression that he's Hagrid and ask him if he's there to tell you that "yer a wizard." Still, this guy survived the night, so discovering he did something so ridiculous and lived to hear his friend tell the tale... definitely worth it.

3 That's a lot of babies to drink

via: Smilegag.com

Getting a drunken text from your boyfriend can be pretty satisfying, especially if his intoxicated state allows him to say sweet things he normally wouldn't feel comfortable saying. For example, you know someone really loves you if he calls you "the sweetest candything in all of the universe" or "sprinkles of sugar on his tasters" when he's too drunk to have a filter. As if that remark wasn't enough to make this worth remembering forever, upon being asked how much he's had to drink, the boyfriend replied that he's consumed "a baby and a half dozen babies." While we'll never really get a chance to fully understand what on earth he meant by that, chances are... it means he had a lot to drink.

2 Thanks mom, that's really nice

via: smartphOWNED.com

Getting drunken reminders from your parents that they love you can be just as rewarding as getting them from your friends or significant other. This mom just wanted to express her love to her daughter and brag about the two-for-one chardonnay at the Olive Garden, but then the conversation took an awkward turn when the daughter advised her mom to drink some water and the mom responded by saying that she's so happy, she decided to keep her. Uh, was that really a decision that took time and consideration to make?! Way to accidentally let it slip that your daughter wasn't part of your plan, Mom. This is ammunition the daughter can hold over her mother's head for years.

1 Okay, but did he ever find SpongeBob?

via: Pinterest.com

When a friend tries telling you the morning after a big party that you got really drunk, you defensively try to say that you weren't as sloppy as they're claiming. This guy can't really make that claim, because he was destroying all of the party host's pineapples in search of Nickelodeon's SpongeBob SquarePants, who as we all know, lives inside of a pineapple. The friend neglected to say whether or not he was successful in his hunt for the legendary animated Krusty Krab chef, or what he did with all of the hacked-up pineapples. Way to leave out the most crucial details of the story! Regardless, this is one awesome story to wake up to, so unless his friend asks him to pay for the several ruined pineapples, this guy shouldn't have any regrets.

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