Personally, we're big proponents of sarcasm. The heavier handed, the better, in our book. But, after spending literal years of our lives scrolling through funny pictures on the internet, we've come to appreciate passive aggression as a legitimate style of humor. It's an acquired taste, but once you go passive aggressive, you never go back.
Passive aggression isn't just a personality trait. It's an art form. Some people have refined their talents to an impressive degree. They're not fooling around, anymore. They're not amateurs. They take their passive aggression very seriously, and it shows. If you'll all form a line and follow us, we'll lead you on a glorious tour through 15 epic wins that will make any passive aggressive person proud. Right this way, folks.
15 At least they apologized
We're giving this sign full marks for being so perfectly low-key savage, but we are also going to go ahead and give it an additional 10 points because, not only is it intensely passive aggressive, it also delivers a healthy dose of snark. Those two ingredients make for a deadly, non-confrontational combination that we find irresistible.
With lots of practice, there's a chance that you could grow up to be just as passive aggressive as the person who typed up this sign. Gosh, if only there was some kind of course you could take, where you could learn passive aggression. Oh, wait. There is. It's this post. Hope you've got a pen and paper for taking notes, because you're going to need to write this stuff down.
14 We don't need you to scold us, envelope
Doesn't it seem kind of wrong to guilt people into giving to charity? This envelope, those animal shelter commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing in the background. It's a bit over the top, wouldn't you say? We mean, we thought the whole point of charity was people giving out of the goodness of their hearts, not because some passive aggressive mob sent them spam mail that made them feel like a piece of sh*t.
If you gone be petty like that, Mr. High and Mighty Non-profit Organization, then we're just going to be petty right back to you. You want to try to make us feel bad? Well, ha! The joke is on you, because we're dead inside! Actually, no, we're not. This really hurts. Can you tone it down a bit there?
13 Scornful sister
We don't know who this person is, but we're pretty sure we know where they are right now. They're in the hospital, undergoing emergency surgery to repair their damaged feelings. But, sadly, not even a localized anesthetic can kill the pain caused by the passive aggression in this "thanks for nothing" note. We feel kind of bad for them. Not that they deserve it, obviously, since they did nothing to celebrate their baby sister's birthday. That was a total jerk move on their part.
When they said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," we always figured they were referring to ex lovers. We had no idea they were talking about siblings, too. Apparently, there's no escaping the fatal passive aggression of an angry female.
12 The banana killer
"Woe to the fruit-loving person who lives in the same house as a passive aggressive person, for every time they upset said passive aggressive person, their fruit shall be laid to waste. Their apples shall be thrown on the floor until they are mushy and bruised; all of the plums in their fridge shall have one bite taken out of them before they are put back in the fruit drawer; their bunches of bananas shall be mercilessly ravaged." – Book of Passive Aggression, chapter 25, verse 17.
This dad had better figure out how to eat all of these bananas as soon as possible, so they don't go to waste. And, there's only so many bowls of oatmeal with sliced banana on top you can eat. Quick, make an emergency banana bread! It's your only hope!
11 So, you're saying we're fat?
We've never been insulted by a candy jar before. One look at this thing, and our self-confidence was immediately shot to pieces. As much as it hurts us to admit it, measuring tape, you're right. We have been skimping out on our workouts. We've been making excuses with our diet, and letting things slide. A piece of cake here. A slice of pie there. We've spiraled out of control.
Thank you for making us face reality, measuring tape. We owe you one. We should be mad at you for making us feel bad, but sometimes you've got to hurt in order to heal. We realize, now, that we've got to change our lifestyle before we turn to mush. Thank you, passive aggressive measuring tape, for helping us get our life back on track.
10 spelleeng r harrd
Stupid people being stupid? Funny. Stupid people trying to be smart? Very funny. There's nothing we love more than some idiotic jackass who believes they know it all. They think they're the smartest kid in the class, the toughest cookie around, the biggest and the best at every little thing. What they fail to realize is that they aren't any of those things. They aren't clever, they aren't tough. They're just failures. But, they're fueled by confidence, and so they make mistake after mistake. It's golden.
When you try to lecture people about something, but you misspell a fairly simple word, then you just set yourself up for ridicule. We're glad this idiot got their ass handed to them passive aggressive style. 10/10, would laugh at this again.
9 A true artist
Roommates are a crapshoot. Even if you're moving in with someone you're really good friends with, you still don't know how they keep their house. You don't know if they're a slob or a neat freak, you just have to find out the hard way. If you're lucky, your roommate will be right in the middle. Not too finicky, but not too sloppy, either. They'll be just right.
Of course, that never happens, and you almost always wind up rooming with someone who lives in a pigsty. And, if that's the case, you really have no other choice but to kill them with your lethal passive aggression. Instead of cleaning up after his roommate, this person has chosen to highlight their filth, in order to adequately mock them. Well done. This is superb.
8 Probably not what Bob meant, TBH
Don't you know, Bob was so surprised when he woke up that morning, donned his robe, got his cup of coffee and stepped out on the porch to grab the paper, only to look across the street and see that his neighbor had finally painted his fence. We said that Bob was surprised, not that he was delighted. The guy sounds like a real class act, to us. He's probably got two sticks up his butt, as a result of this shady passive aggression.
Fortunately for the person who owns the fence, he painted a smiley face on there, too. It would be kind of b*tchy if he hadn't. That happy face ties the whole thing together quite nicely. We would be honored to receive a passive aggressive slam like this.
7 Food cans are so stuck up
Friend-zoned by a bunch of inanimate cans. That's got to be disappointing, huh? Well, don't feel too bad for this passive aggressive guy. We're sure that he'll find the right can, eventually. It's been our experience that the minute you stop actively searching for your soulmate, that's the precise moment that you find them. Just hang in there, guy. With passive aggressive skills like that, you won't be on the market for long *winks with both eyes*.
"Date the food cans"? What the heck do they mean, "date the food cans"? Look, we can't afford to take ourselves out to a nice restaurant, we are not even about to take a can of peaches out for dinner. If you want the cans to feel loved, then you show them a good time.
6 Now, that's fine dining
If we were the guy who left the passive aggressive note in the previous image, and we were going to take a sexy can of peaches out to dinner, then we would definitely go to the restaurant where this passive aggressive waiter works. Nothing like a non-confrontational server to help win over your date. Works every time.
It's not enough that a restaurant's food tastes good; the waiters and waitresses have got to be über passive aggressive, too, or else we're not playing. It just adds a certain something, a certain je ne sais quoi to the fine dining experience. If an eatery doesn't have some passive aggression, we refuse to patronize that establishment. Call us food snobs, but that's just the way we are.
5 Let's put the passive aggression be"Heinz" us, okay?
Passive aggression isn't just a defense mechanism. It's a skill, like tap dancing, or making a s'more with your feet. It's something that people have to practice for years on end to perfect. Like a gymnast hits the mat every day to prep for the Olympics, people who are passive aggressive have got to show up consistently and put in the work. They have to give it all they've got if they want to be good.
Passive aggressive peeps have gotta be primed and ready for the big time if they want to go down in history. And, this person? They know what's up. They've reached passive aggressive nirvana. They're like the Michael Phelps of passive aggression. Just, make sure you hide your condiments whenever they're around.
4 A new kind of hero
First, there was Passive Aggressive Ketchup Guy, a hero unlike any other the world had ever seen. But, amazing as he was, Passive Aggressive Ketchup Guy's magnificent powers of subtle hostility paled in comparison to... da-da-da-daaaahhhh! Passive Aggressive Drain Hair Girl! Ooooh! With her fantastic ability to be the only person in the whole damn house who is capable of cleaning out a drain, watch as she thwarts evildoers everywhere, while being super dramatic about it!
Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww. Yuck! Guess it's a good thing this hairy message is in the bathroom, because anybody who lays eyes on it is going to feel like screaming kibbles and bits into the porcelain chamber right afterwards. We're all for passive aggression, but this person has taken it a step too far.
3 Passive aggression gone too deep
We like passive aggression. We also like anything that sparks an existential crisis. So, really, it only makes sense to combine the two. That's why we love this passive aggressive win. It's not scathing, like some of the other passive aggressive things that we've seen. Nor is it whiny, like some of the other other passive aggressive things that we've seen. It's deep and angsty with hints of emo. Combined with passive aggression, it's a sight to behold.
Hmm. It sounds to us like this person needs a nap. It's hard to be optimistic on anything less than a solid 14 hours sleep. We know we get depressed and philosophical when we stay up too late. But, once we get some shut eye, we're back to our normal, depressed, philosophical selves! Hey, wait a minute...
2 Bad parkers got it comin' to 'em
Whether home or office passive aggression is warranted or not is all a matter of opinion. But, one thing is not up for debate. If someone out on the roadway does something stupid, like cut somebody off or take up a bazillion places when they park, they deserve to be treated with the utmost contemptuous passive aggression. And, if they don't like that, then they shouldn't be such crappy drivers. It's only fair.
This is the kind of thing we dream about doing. People park like sh*t all the time, so we would have plenty of opportunities to do it. It's just that, we never remember to print out funny messages like this before we go out, then, when we see someone park horribly, it's too late to do anything about it.
1 Say goodbye to dental hygiene
What's this? Another sister getting revenge on a sibling? Wow, man, we had no idea sisters were so vengeful. We had better call our sisters up right now and make sure they know how much we love and appreciate them, just so they're not tempted to send us vicious cards and snip all of the bristles off of our toothbrushes. Sisters are so sensitive. Can't say nothin' to 'em, they just get so offended.
To be fair to the sister, though, this is a spectacular little tidbit of passive aggression. She wasn't trying to actually hurt anybody. All that she wanted to do was play with her sibling's mind a little bit, and inconvenience her in the process. Well, she did what she set out to do, we'll give her that.