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15 Exes Who Need To Join The Witness Protection Program

So the honeymoon phase is over and, for that matter, so is the relationship. You’ve already decided to cut ties because you knew that somehow it just wasn’t right. In a perfect world, you would both let bygones be bygones and move on with your life. Hey, we’re all adults, right? Maybe you can even send him or her a card for the holidays.

But not so fast.

The relationship may be over, but the nightmare is just beginning.

Your ex won’t leave you alone, and it’s getting a little scary. So scary that all of a sudden a top secret mountain hideout with a razor wire perimeter and a gazillion security cameras protected by ravenous hyenas is starting to look like an attractive living situation.

With exes out to get you like these, you’re not being paranoid. You’re being perceptive.

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15 When your ex weaponizes the SWAT team to go after you

via: yahoo.com

There’s “oh, that’s just my crazy ex” and then there’s “my ex is so crazy that the FBI is going to press charges.”

Poor Christopher Shell, a salesman who frequently travels by plane, off-handedly posted on Facebook that getting through security at the airport “had been a breeze.”

That was his first mistake.

His ex got wind of this post and, with the help of her current boyfriend, called in a hoax threat to the Philadelphia Police Department that Shell was trying to smuggle liquid explosives onto the plane.

Oh, no you didn’t!

Poor Shell was scarily apprehended by a SWAT team—they boarded the Dallas-bound plane after it was ordered to return to Philadelphia and land.

Said one of the witnesses on the plane: "It was like Seal Team Six…the SWAT team from Philly, they were pretty awesome. These guys entered from the rear of the plane…Next thing I know, it almost sounded like a stampede. Here are four Philadelphia SWAT guys, all in black with laser sights on their weapons, weapons drawn and focused on this guy."

Poor Christopher! But to add insult to injury, he ended up getting arrested later anyway on unrelated drug charges. Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

14 When she comes for you

Well, as a precaution, let’s say we would look for any signs that your girlfriend is a pyromaniac before you start dating her. Because if you find out after you’re already done dating, you might find yourself being unwittingly transformed into the Human Torch.

Shivon Perez invited her ex-boyfriend over under the pretences of serving Easter dinner and that while he was there, her bathroom pipes needed fixing. While he was under the sink looking at the problem, Perez used fire on him.

Yeah, you’re right to read that sentence twice because that’s freaking horrifying. The ex-boyfriend narrowly escaped by pushing past her and nope-ing right out of that apartment, managing to douse the flames somehow. Good thing too, because she was planning on locking him in with new locks placed on the outside of the doors and boarded up windows. This lady was ready to take the whole apartment down.

Luckily the ex survived, but with severe burns. This is one story he’ll never forget. Might want to lay off dating for awhile, bro. If it were up to us, we really WOULD go into the witness protection program.

13 Maybe he’ll believe me on the 70,001st time

They say that it’s hard to quantify when someone is totally unzipped (see: unhinged, psycho or out of control) with numbers. Well, we have some numbers for you.

77,639 – That’s how many times she called her boyfriend in a week. A week! If we spread that evenly over 7 days, that’s roughly 462 times an hour, or seven times a minute.

1,937 – How many emails she sent in a week. This is also formidable, but seems like this would be difficult to do if she was calling seven times a minute.

41,229 – Number of text messages in the same amount of time.

This seems borderline impossible without superpowers, so we’re guessing she was using multiple devices at the same time.

217 – The number of singing voice-mails she left. You know, because if he doesn’t get the stalking through texts, emails, and calls he’ll definitely get it through song.

647 – Letters she wrote in the same week. Holy Moses. The only way she could do ALL of this is if she’s ambidextrous, texting one handed on one phone, singing on another, dictating email on another device and hand writing letters with her other hand. A true talent!

If she can channel her hurt in a more healthy way, she can be the top Executive Assistant in the country!

12 When she knocks on your door with her car

via: giphy.com

When you watch the whole video with sound, you’ll marvel about how calmly this guy takes it. It starts with a profanity laden tirade outside his front door, with his ex-girlfriend, demanding he open the door. From the sound of her voice, it feels like alcohol may be involved. Then, she breaks the door glass window with her bare hands and tries to go for the handle. The boyfriend wisely turns the deadbolt to keep her out and calmly tells her he’s calling the cops.

Then, she goes to her car and continues screaming curses at him. He refrains from shouting back and just takes it all in, recording video for what he rightfully assumes is a situation that will violently escalate. And then she rams his front door with her car.

With her car.

Somewhere deep in her mind some sense started to crawl in take the controls, so she decides to leave the premises by driving away. And though you can’t see it – it sounds like she knocks over a few garbage cans on the way out.

Like a champ, this guy just laughs it off. And why wouldn’t he? He’s got iron-clad proof for the restraining order and incriminating material to keep her in line. Looks like she played herself.

11 When your ex isn't happy to see you 

Again, may we reiterate, you can’t really get a gold medal in the Crazy Ex Olympics unless you escalate your tactics into highly illegal stuff—you know, like attempted murder.

Shareyll Hunter, the pregnant 26-year-old ex-girlfriend, attempted to run over the current pregnant girlfriend of her ex-boyfriend with her car, succeeding in pinning her to the wall. The current girlfriend did sustain injuries that required her foot to be amputated, but she and her baby survived.

Yeah, that’s just not right.

This is some real Jerry Springer level shenanigans going on right here. It’s the kind of love triangle that’s too sharp to handle directly. Can it even be called a love triangle if attempted offed is one of the corners?

Unfortunately, the boyfriend corner sounds like he may have had it coming. When asked about the situation, he was quoted as saying, “They just don’t like each other…I don’t know if it’s because of me or what. I mean, I am pretty handsome.”

Facepalm. You feel that your ex tried to kill your girlfriend because you’re just too darned good-looking? Sorry dude, benefit of the doubt revoked. Something tells us you’re going to have even more violent ex-girlfriends in your future.

10 When the TV watches YOU

What the…can people actually do this? Apparently, it’s possible to hack a Smart TV and deliver messages to the owner. How…how do people do this?

In an interview with Metro.co.uk, the recipient of the message, who goes by “Cab," said, “We had just stopped talking, it didn’t really work out – I don’t know how she sent the message! I didn’t even reply. I reacted how everyone else is – I died of laughter.”

Cab also pointed out that he had blocked her or unfriended her on all of his social media, which seems like a wise choice to us. But she is likely to see the reaction to her handiwork anyway; the post went viral in 2016 and was reposted amongst many other sites.

According to internet experts, any device that is connected to the internet can be open to an attack or hack. Not only can they hack into your TV, but once they do, they can use the TV’s wireless or other internet connection to gain access to your home computer!

So Cab, might want to beef up your home internet security. If you’re ex-GF has figured out how to hack your TV, then she may already be reading your emails and cleaning out your bank account. Isn’t the future awesome?

9 Spotify this!

This brave new world of all your devices and services being connected on the internet can be really scary. First there was the guy that was getting messages from his ex on his smart TV. Now this person is being contacted by his ex through his Spotify account. So how does he fight back? By communicating back strategically through titles on his playlist.

"P.S. I Hate You" by Reel Big Fish. That’s self explanatory.

"Don’t Let Her Pull You Down" by New Found Glory. Ha! Like a brick!

"My Clingy Girlfriend" by Psychostick.

Hmm. Wonder if she’s getting the hint…

"Leave Me Alone" by Michael Jackson. Originally about the press hounding him, but the message still resonates.

"Stay Gone" by Jimmy Wayne. Pretty clear message there.

"Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad" by Meat Loaf. We weren’t exactly familiar with song until we looked it up, and then the lyrics make the title make sense:

And all I can do, is keep on tellin' youI want you (I want you),I need you (I need you)But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love youNow don't be sad (don't be sad 'cause)'Cause two out of three ain't bad

All in all you gotta give this guy high marks on his rejection creativity!

8 Then you should have foreseen how scared I am

via: reddit.com

There’s a right way and a wrong way to start some small talk with your ex to maybe build some bridges. The right way might be something like, “How are you? I hope you’re well.”

Here’s the wrong way: “Hey, did you know I maxed out all my credit cards on online psychics to see we’d ever get back together?” That’s what we would affectionately call a conversational grenade. Just glimpsing at that message would cause the recipient to sprint away at full speed and dive for cover in a ditch.

Ex-boyfriend says what we all were thinking: “that’s insane.”

But then, BUT THEN she doubles down like it wasn’t insane and tries to laugh it off with an “lol.” And then she asks, “were u just at Tim Horton’s?”

Lady, what makes you think he would let you anywhere near him after a message like that? This one’s definitely not a quitter. Not exactly the kind of personality quality you want in your ex.

If those psychics had any true paranormal power at all, they would have told you the truth—that they’re just making $10 an hour telling people what they want to hear. And you don’t need to be a psychic to foresee that you’re really creeping your ex out.

7 Hahaha…no really, you scare me

via: imgur.com

For those of you who don’t want to read the whole thing, here’s that whole conversation abridged and paraphrased:

Ex BF: I still miss you and love you. Can I stop by in Syracuse?

Ex GF: I won’t be in Syracuse. I’m heading home after graduation.

Ex BF: I miss your parents, too. I can meet you at their home!

Ex GF: NO, DON’T

Ex BF: It will be so great to see you!

Ex GF: No, you’re creeping me out.

Ex BF: See you soon!

Ex GF: I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

Ex BF: Just kidding, but I’ll be watching you.

And there you have it.

If you want a quick and easy way to win a court-ordered restraining order against you, you can’t do much better than this ex-boyfriend.

We have no questions at all why this relationship ended. He clearly doesn’t listen. A typical exchange before dinner would go like this:

BF: What do you want for dinner?

GF: Pizza.

BF: Meatloaf it is. Red or white wine?

GF: Red.

BF: Of course! Pouring you a glass of white right now. What should we watch?

GF: Orange is the New Black.

BF: Mad Men it is. It’s like you’re in my head.

6 Message delivery mishap

The persecuted ex writes, “Crazy Ex-GF. This went on five times before she gave up!”

If this were an episode in the animal kingdom, and the ex-GF were the predator, the original poster would be sent into a fight, flight or hide response. In this case, the prey chose “hide” as the most attractive option. As in literally hiding behind a message pretending to be an automated “Message delivery failure.”

The good news for the ex-boyfriend is that she finally did give up.

But the bad news is that it took her five times to finally throw in the towel.

That seems to indicate to us that she is nowhere near done harassing him.

Now it’s not for us to say what exactly the circumstances were surrounding their breakup. We just do not know. But what we can say is that whatever happened, she’s still pretty upset about it, and has the stubborn heart of a champion.

So good luck, buddy. If she can’t communicate via text, chances are she’s going to escalate and try to talk to you personally. Not trying to freak you out too much, but you might want to start taking some alternative routes to work.

5 It’s a trap!

via: imgur.com

One of the internet’s most famous memes is based on a moment in Return of the Jedi when the fish-headed rebel Admiral Ackbar realizes their fleet has arrived in an ambush and dramatically announces, “IT’S A TRAP!” With minimal digging, you can find this meme everywhere, so merely posting a picture of Admiral Ackbar is enough to communicate that, yes, “IT’S A TRAP!”

In this text exchange, Jessica is casually try to get back together with her ex. The ex doesn’t think this is such a good idea, as evidenced with, “I still don’t know if that’s a good idea, you and I have a history.”

Jessica isn’t giving up so easily, and she responds with, “What history, dude? All we did was whoopee. Plus if you don’t want anything you can handle yourself…I just wanna chill to see if I still got feelings.”

This is appropriately when the ex-boyfriend realizes he’s about to get ambushed by Jessica’s fleet. So he posts Admiral Ackbar’s pic to let her know he’s on to her, and he won’t fall for it!

We’re not sure if she understood the reference, but we know for sure a photo of a fish-headed alien isn’t what she was going for when she asked to come over.

4 Wrong number

The funny thing is, sometimes innocent bystanders are on the receiving end of the ex’s fury. When this poor person receives a text full of wrath, it’s from a complete stranger who has the wrong number. But not wanting to miss a chance to mess with her, he plays along.

And the way he plays a long must have infuriating on the other side.

He decides to give her the English professor treatment, correcting all her poor spelling and grammar and questioning her schooling.

“*sighs* OK where shall I begin? Your* you* have* life* why* you* have* to* with* until* you’re* see* you* Gosh, did you even go to school?”

That little spelling-correction tirade threw gasoline on the already raging fire.

She escalates and says “…your dead meat…”

And snarky wrong number guy just corrects her with “You’re**”

Now that she’s completely unhinged and most likely foaming at the mouth, he finally reveals his true identity. It’s a wrong number, and he just wanted to “give you an English lesson.” But the cherry on top is when he drops, “I’m not surprised your boyfriend cheated on you J”

A little random act of snark can totally brighten your whole day.

3 Come back here and get away from me!

When you’ve been rehearsing your breakup in your head for a few weeks and you deliver, you kind of have certain expectations. You’re prepared for them screaming and crying. You expect a certain level of pushback, even physical. Maybe they’ll plead for you to stay, that they’ll change and that this just can’t be over. Or maybe they’ll try to make you feel guilty, because their pain is so great they just don’t know how they can go on.

But for some people, the very worst outcome is an apathetic shoulder shrug followed by a “meh.” Words like “K bye” and “cuz I don’t care G2G” deflate the whole exercise, defangs the bite and douses the flames. These are the very last things you want if you’re going for a dramatic breakup!

The breaker-upper doesn’t quite know what to do, so he or she says, “this is not over im texting u tomorrow to break up with you again and this time ur gonna feel PAIN!”

Oh, you poor, poor deluded drama-llama. Your ex can’t feel pain if they’re already dead inside. All you are doing is beating a dead relationship horse with a silken whip. It doesn’t work and you look ridiculous.

2 When you have unprotected penmanship

via: imgur.com

Well, this ex-boyfriend definitely has a sense of humor about the incoming ballistic missile of bonkers headed straight for him. He writes, “I’ll take crazy ex for a thousand Alex, double Jeopardy!”

This woman is super lousy at lying, leaving the pen that she clearly doctored the pregnancy test with in both photos. An even if she didn’t, closer look would reveal the drawn on line as a complete fake. It’s got an ink blot at the top and it’s not even parallel with the other line. And what’s her end game? Is she going to get pregnant with someone else and blame him? Or is she going to be packing an ever-growing fake baby bump for the next nine months?

Rationality is nowhere to be found anywhere close to this photo, so right now it just looks like a desperate gamble. But two can play at this game.

If it were us, we’d double down and play her game. We’d pick up the same kind of pregnancy test from the store, find the same kind of pen, and send back the male version of the pregnancy test with the second stripe drawn in. “Look, I’m pregnant, too! But I’m not sure its yours…”

Sometimes you just have to out-crazy them.

1 When you’re a family man

You’ve gotta give credit to someone who spells it out clearly and explains it to you like you are 5 years old. These are stable people, ones that have a healthy psychological outlook and clearly defined boundaries with people. And often, they are just too rare, being the sole voice of reason in the room.

This man is trying to start something back up with his ex and she immediately shuts him down—with strategically based periods for emphasis.

“You. Have. A. Wife. And. Baby.”

Does it really get any clearer than that? The subtext being something like, “Dude, are you freaking kidding me right now? How would your wife feel about you texting me after she just gave birth to your child? Your wife, remember her? The woman that you married? I’m not a home wrecker, so don’t’ cast me as one. Get it together man, you’re totally falling apart and I’m not having it.”

Yeah, but the six-word version says it all much better.

You’d think that you wouldn’t have to remind married men that an infidelity with their ex is probably in the top three of worst ideas of all time, but some guys just have a hard time with exclusive relationships. That being said, maybe those guys should stop lying to themselves and avoid getting married altogether.

References: foxnews.com, giphy.com, huffingtonpost.comimgur.com, imgur.com, imgur.com, pinterest.com, pinterest.com, reddit.comreddit.com, reddit.comrelatably.com, stylebarista.com, twitter.com, yahoo.com

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