Sims is life. Or rather, Sims is like life. Like, if life was controlled by a very belligerent, short attention spanned ruler, that was clearly working out their own problems on its subjects.
Okay fine, maybe the only difference between our universe and the Sims is just an absence of any physics or cause and effect, but the basics are still the same, except for what governs human interactions. Well, at least the suffering is the same, but it’s actually enjoyable to watch in the Sims suffer, because they're not real. The Sims universe is usually so over the top anyways. Sometimes it feels kinda empowering to make them squirm a little bit. You know, before we build them a mansion and make them a pool that doesn't have a ladder. But anyone that's reading this knows our love for the Sims. So sit back and just appreciate these solid Sims memes.
15 At The Beginning
If they were Sims, the Trumps would be ready to either go to a fancy party or swim in a pool full of molten porridge. They’re so expressionless — maybe it could be the same thing in the real world, too. I think it’s Melania that makes them all look like Sims. Why is she facing that way? Her posture is so impossibly straight — it's intimidating. I thought only computer generated people had that kind of lack of direction. Don’t people move less randomly than a plastic bag in the wind? So why is she not understanding where the paparazzi clearly are? Is she about to attempt to yell at a house fire, to try and put it out? Is the course of Melania’s life the strongest evidence that we’re living in a Sims universe ruled by a cruel jokester?
14 TFW You Learn Financial Planning From Sims
First off, it’s a little weird that Sims doesn’t operate on a barter system where you can just trade a door for pizza. That would simultaneously be more straightforward, and the disappearance of the last barrier between Sims and sheer madness. Why can’t a baby be the same value as a car? Fine, that’s taking bartering a little too far. But yeah, if you’re short a single dollar for a pizza — why not sell chunks of your house? You’ll freeze later, but that’s a solid trade-off for some cheesy hot pizza. It’s too bad that selling non-essential parts of your home is so much more difficult in real life, and involves actually finding the kind of creep that wants a door. What do you want with a single doo anyway?
13 When You Should Just Stay In
Things sound really bad out of context. When you just pull a quote with no backstory, like “why can’t I kill pregnant women?”, of course it sounds bad. But sound blurbs are always a rigged battle; just consider the context of what’s being said. Sure, maybe these are thoughts no human should ever have, but we’ve got the technology to rule over deeply impermanent fantasy lands with absolutely no compassion. So we’ve got to consider our options here. Now it’s just time to come up with a code for talking about Sims in public or build a soundproof area in public buildings where you’re allowed to talk about this kind of stuff. Kind of like a smoker’s area for saying vile things about people that don’t exist.
12 But What If
Can you imagine being in a doctor’s office, noticing the weird lack of any diplomas, and finding out their only training is that they played (and possibly lost) four games of chess? Actually, sometimes it's worse when you see a doctor's diploma and you're like, but that's not a good school? Anyway, those two things are supposed to relate somehow, because they both vaguely operate from logic? It's not worth considering when you’re that virtual surgeon’s overlord and you want to slice some other virtual people, but that’s flat out bananas. That should not be a thing. The certification process in the Sims universe is dreadfully low. Are you a pharmacist after a night of handing out candy to Trick O’ Treaters? Are you a lawyer after squabbling for too long? Go to a real school, you computer people.
11 Just Common Sense
Yes, if faces were elastic, or at least prehensile, then there’d be a lot less bowls not fully licked clean. I personally would send my face zooming into pizza boxes, scrounging for crumbs. What I’m saying is if I had this weird bug in the Sims in my real life, I’d revert into a disgusting animal that lives anteater style, just to explore my food with my face. So yes, I’d have terrible acne from sending my face into burrito bowls to lick out the last of the enchilada sauce. My life would be in ruins, but I’d always get that last bite. Maybe I need to think about my priorities, but this is never going to happen, so at least my true self and my current self are separated by that.
10 Thanks For The Gift...
Fine, we’re not literally looking in the horse’s mouth, but it’s literally a gift horse. So that’s silly.
You know when you get a package in the mail and you just can’t imagine where it’s from? Like, you don’t remember ordering it? Or when you’re writing thank you notes from a wedding and you’re like, "oh, that person came? We’re related?" Okay, well it's that feeling multiplied by realizing the person who sent you this gift isn’t a person at all, but a horse that somehow obtained another animal. Not only is this some kind of weird animal-on-animal slave trade, but the bunny dances. The one part of a bunny that does the most dancing is their twitchy little nose. Otherwise, bunnies don’t have moves to bust out — trust me.
9 When You Hit Hard Times
Some people are fighters who get back up when they’re knocked down. Meanwhile, some people get stuck in a pool one time and decide that’s their limit. There’s just those times in life when things are difficult and the best thing you can do is rest. Be a good friend to yourself, you know? Let life take its course. Everybody has a different level of resilience and that can determine what kind of obstacles we can overcome; sometimes you build a Sim that’s just a lazy waste of space and that’s that. Some people have to raise the jerks of the world, and some players in Sims are negatively surprised about what wimps they’ve created. It’s fine, there’s probably infinity Sims out there in the world. And the jerks… well, they suck.
8 But Can You Even Imagine?
The Sims is life if life had almost no rules, which is why it even deserves to be a video game, but yeah — the point still stands. Some video games let you fly or fight enemies as a cute dragon, or ride atop a cute dragon and have your own entire life. And some video games include the option to make your character a cop. Why? Well, why not? Why not a Sims Expansion Pack where you just deliver mail? You can even read it — it’s the Sims, after all. Do whatever you wanna do! You’re clearly not doing anything better. Go kill an evil king in an awesome fantasy city or build an above ground pool. I’m not going to tell you what to do, you’re not my Sim.
7 When The Baby Is The Scariest
Are babies just extra prone to looking like terrible ghouls on the Sims? It’s pretty easy to be an attractive adult in the game, but there’s just so many instances of one little blip in the programming, that ends up turning a baby into full on unlovable child. You just can’t look at it too long or you’ll lose a part of your soul. Also, there’s no way your Sims want to even be the parents to that thing. This is another case of bringing my face to the spoon. I don’t want to get up, so I can’t bring my body to the world. But I can bring my freaky long neck and head to the world, while my body stays in bed. Ugh, this is just so freaky and tough to look at.
6 A Mystery Visitor
This Sim must levitate. Am I the only one that just assumes that he doesn't walk anywhere because he flies? I get why he wouldn’t be able to float on air, but I also can’t imagine this weird naked guy showing up at your front door without riding a breeze in. Also, since when can you make naked Sims that just go out in public? If their genitals are obscured by some other body part, does that make it okay? Obviously the Grim Reaper doesn’t look like this in the Sims, but this guy feels like the real demon. You need to set your house on fire and leave, bud. He’ll find you because he’s clearly the embodiment of all evil. But at least you’ll have a little more time...
5 The More Realistic One
Hopefully my chin will never reach my shoulders like this, but that doesn’t stop me from making this exact laugh. If you transcribed my laugh sometimes, it would sound like this. Interchangeable with a mule braying. I don’t need a freakish head to snort like a monster or weirdly burble when I’m trying to just giggle. I know laughter is an expression of joy (or at least feeling uncomfortable and being polite), but sometimes that sound comes out so grossly. Does this kid look like he has a weird 6-pack? Kind of? Is he crazy boxy shaped or just quite literally neckless? And doesn’t his face kind of look like a cash register — like the kind where you’d put the change in his mouth and push it back into its drawer?
4 It's True Even If It Didn't Happen
You know when something can be true without being real? Sure, I’ve never gone out to a jeweler's and bought a diamond ring for my bed, because that would be a really irresponsible use of money and the diamond trade is like… iffy at best. But I definitely propose to my bed every morning, just by not getting out of it. Instead of saying “I love you,” I just say “five more minutes” or “I’m resting my eyes.” I don’t bring my bed roses or chocolate but... I do eat bagels in bed, which feels like it’s almost the same thing. My point is that every day is Valentine’s Day when you’re a bed, because you deserve to be cherished. People also deserve love, but mattresses especially.
3 Being Sneaky, Kangaroo Style
Do you think when a mama kangaroo sits down to enjoy a snack, a tiny paw ever whips out from her pouch and snags the first bite? And then that Joey feels really bad, but also a little proud? Yes, mother’s have given us everything and literally nourished our life with their own bodies, but sometimes you see that incredibly hard working woman about to take a bite of lasagna, and you just want to ask for one more thing. You’ve been given everything, but a little more wouldn’t hurt. Anyway, it’s really unclear how large this man’s body, is but his head looks like it belongs to an adult.
Also, is she holding two plates for herself because she’s cool or is she semi-possessed by this dude?
2 But Think About It
Have you ever looked at the evolution of creatures from single-cells, to gross little invertebrates? And then they eventually turn into mammals, who probably think that was just God saving up his money for expansion packs? Maybe technology was just a brand new expansion pack that was pricey enough, and God really needed to deliberate on whether he just wanted it or needed it? If you’re looking for an excuse as to why you walked into a corner for way too long, you can always use the “I’m just a Sim” line. The good news is that at least our world has a few more rules than Sims, or at least when it messes up it’s not as obvious. Well, it’s still pretty obvious, but at least you have a say on whether you fall asleep during a date.
1 What Hot Dogs Dream Of
I really like that this hot dog would be hungry for another hot dog, but I guess it makes more sense that he (or she? Is there a way to check?) is dreaming of its former life. Or maybe they’re dreaming of the hot dog they left behind when they got dropped. If this hot dog is just nostalgic for, like, a second, do they really miss being a plate or do they enjoy walking? If you haven’t been separated from your bun, and your toppings still look perfect, then the whole family is together! Sure, you’re going to get snarfed up by a dog, but at least they won’t talk with you in their mouth. It’s a quick death, I promise. It's definitely better than being played with by a cat.