Here are some facts for you. 6,000 tweets are tweeted every second. 350,000 tweets are tweeted every minute. 500 million tweets are tweeted per day. two-BILLION tweets are tweeted per year. However, the following tweets are the only ones we need to concern ourselves with.
Our team of experts have gone through each and every one of these two-billion+ tweets to bring you the funniest tweets that have ever been tweeted (okay, maybe not all of them). From people wanting to get hit in the head, cats that will make someone want to commit murder, and tweets that are downright relatable — these tweets have been known to cause random outbursts of uncontrollable laughter. We've all been warned. So without much further ado, here are 15 tweets that will cause side splitting laughter.
me overthinking how I said "here" during attendance pic.twitter.com/YEx9saFzqz— sofia (@sofritolocito) September 7, 2017
Oh no, my social anxieties are kicking in. Why did I say “here”? Why didn’t I say “present”? Why did I say it like that? Did I say “here” with too high of a pitch? Did I say “here” with too low of a pitch? Why did it sound different than how I normally say “here”? Why do I do this to myself? Why am I like this? Why am I asking you all these questions? These are just some of the things that go through my mind when I hear my name called during attendance. And once school would let out, I would then take a trip to the beach so that I could stare out into the ocean and ponder my thoughts as to why I can’t even say “here” properly without overthinking it.
14 Unnecessary Censorship
What do these people think they're doing? They can’t just censor out the word *****! What the heck? Why is it censoring me when I say ******? This is ridiculous! This sensor is a real *** of a beyotch.
It would appear that family members are the new seven dirty words you can’t say on radio or television. Personally, I don’t see what’s so offensive about the word “mother,” but unfortunately, what all of these censors deem appropriate is not up to me. If it was, I can guarantee you that you could say or write “mother,” “father,” “son,” and “daughter” to your heart’s content. Unfortunately, since I just wrote them, I’m probably looking at a hefty fine, if not jail time. So much for free speech.
13 Bank Account
Is it weird that I can relate to this next tweet on a very personal level? Not to mention that this is probably one of my biggest fears; other than snakes. I do not need bank tellers judging me based on how much (or how little) I have in my bank account. Moreover, I certainly don’t need them judging me based on what I spend my money on. I don’t want someone calling me up to ask me to confirm my purchases of a six pack of beer and a box of Twinkies. How is it their place to judge me? What I do with my money is entirely my business, thank you very much. Oh, and I would appreciate it they quit with all of the laughing.
12 Felt Cute
Felt cute in this pic might delete soon tho pic.twitter.com/lLjbWp4s4N— alex (@sIiceofpizza) June 23, 2017
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of a thirst trap. A thirst trap is when someone posts a sexy picture on social media for the sole purpose of causing others to publicly profess their attraction. Just look at this dog. He knows exactly what he is doing in this picture. He is trying to get all of the other female dogs to get all riled up. I normally advise people to try to steer clear of these kinds of traps, but that dog does look pretty darn cute. It actually turns out that this was a takeoff of an Al Sharpton post. Go figure, right? I hate to break it to Al, but this dog wore it better. To be honest, I can’t even imagine how someone took this picture. It's very confusing.
11 Bank Account
" work until your bank account looks like a phone number " pic.twitter.com/mgzPtynTTi— woof (@scruffbutt) July 23, 2017
This final hilarious tweet is making me equal parts laugh and cry. Mostly because it is just so funny and relatable. While the saying goes, “work until your bank account looks like a phone number,” they don’t exactly specify what kind of phone number. No matter what your bank account looks like, you always have to look on the bright side. It could always look like the number for 311, or even the number for an operator (which is 0 by the way). And let’s not forget about being overdrawn, in which case you will have a negative balance and you will owe the bank money. But let’s all hope that we can get our bank accounts looking like the phone number in the Tommy Tutone classic 867-5309.
10 Human Knowledge
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge pic.twitter.com/MF8ME8tJOM— James Kirkpatrick (@James_Kpatrick) April 5, 2013
If you ever wished to amass all of the knowledge known to mankind, look no further than these next two books. Throughout history, it would seem that all of human knowledge can be broken down into just two categories: What they teach you at Harvard business school and What they don’t teach you at Harvard business school. Who knew? I don’t know if this says more about us as a country or just how little human knowledge there is. Either way, I kind of feel like I need to read these two books now. Only then will I possess all of the knowledge known to man. I just wish that these books were written by the same author. That would have been pretty darn trippy.
Beyoncé: *uses iPhone X facial recognition*— brendon skolat (@brendonSkolat) September 12, 2017
iPhone X: pic.twitter.com/8ao9moveCd
OH MY GOD! It’s Beyoncé! Is it weird that I can hear Tiffany Pollard (AKA: New York from The Flavor of Love) say this out loud? But on a more serious note, do you think that iPhones get freaked out by meeting celebrities? I mean of all people, it must be pretty intimidating to be Beyoncé’s iPhone. And you know that Beyoncé would totally just roll her eyes and have to calmly explain to her iPhone X that yes, she is indeed Beyoncé, but she wants to be treated just like a regular person. I’m not surprised the person who created this tweet chose Beyoncé because I don’t know who else is going to be able to afford that $1,000 iPhone X. This tweet will never get old.
8 Major Rescue Operations
Do you hear that in the background? It’s the Mission Impossible theme song. And quick, look over there! It’s Tom Cruise (AKA: Ethan Hunt) switching tortilla chips and sending another one into the salsa to retrieve the broken one. I am just so surprised that the US president would post this on Twitter. What he is talking about here is classified information. This can only mean that the Syndicate is involved.
I will say this, though, the only thing worse than breaking off a chip in the salsa and having to get it back with another chip, is when you have too many chips for your dip. And if you open a new dip, you would have too much dip for your chips.
This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
7 Darth Plagueis The Wise
I've never laughed so hard in my entire life 😂 pic.twitter.com/TuAV2xsDQM— Sana (@michaelsana13) March 12, 2017
I take offense to this person calling it “some really long Star Wars quote.” This isn’t just “some really long Star Wars quote.” This was said by the Emperor of the Galactic Republic, the Supreme Chancellor, Sheev Palpatine, to Anakin Skywalker that would plant the seeds in his mind to turn him to the Dark Side of the force. Moreover, Palpatine telling Anakin how Darth Plagueis could use the force to manipulate the midi-chlorians to create life, is meant to suggest that Palpatine and his master, Darth Plagueis, created Anakin Skywalker.
This is a pivotal moment in all of Star Wars and this person doesn’t seem to care. What next? Are they going to call when Darth Vader says to Luke, “I am your father” a “silly little Star Wars plot twist”?
6 Jellicle Cats
if this cat told me to murder someone I would pic.twitter.com/A8WMq514Jv— titless wonder (@joanofdarkness) August 6, 2016
I don’t know about you, but this cat is making me very, very nervous. It’s almost as if this cat is looking directly into my soul. I have never killed anyone before, but if this cat were to tell me to do it, I’m not sure that I would be able to say no. You know what? On second thought, yes, I would totally kill someone if this cat asked me to. Just look at those eyes; this cat is absolutely in charge. Look, just because this cat makes the hard decisions that we can’t, doesn’t mean that he’s wrong. I really think that we should start an online petition to get this cat to be the villain in a new James Bond film. Look at him. Do you really think James Bond can stop this cat?
5 Good Boy
Asked me mum if she could bring my charger down stairs, she replied "shout the dog" pic.twitter.com/BLQRzEEfwN— Sophie Billington (@sophiebillo1) June 21, 2017
How did we get so lucky to have dogs as pets? Honestly, if I had to choose between having kids or having a bunch of dogs, I would choose dogs all day long. Seriously though, just look at his next adorable pupper. Who needs to get up and get your charger when man’s best friend is happy to deliver it personally? Just look how happy he is. And best part is, they don’t charge money for their service; just belly rubs. If this family were to install some sort of basket on him, there would be no need to ever get up and get something again. Pretty soon, we will all evolve into giant blobs because dogs are so happy to do stuff for us. We would no longer have any use for our arms and legs.
4 That Don’t Impress Me Much
“Okay, so you’ve got an Irish passport because of Brexit. That don’t impress me much. So you got the brain but have you got the touch. Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night. That don't impress me much…”
Does no one else remember those lyrics from Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much”? That was a classic. Are you kidding me? This generation just doesn’t appreciate good music. “I never knew a guy who carried a passport in his pocket…” Dammit, I’m doing it again. I apologize; it’s just such a catchy song. If only Brexit had taken place back in 1998, maybe Shania Twain would have actually included these lines in her song. A guy can dream, can’t he?
3 Habla Gated
Yes, Clout Busters, as the man, you are indeed “Habla Gated” to pay for everything in a relationship. I’m sorry for being so forward, but I felt like it was my habla gation to say something on this matter. The problem is that, nowadays, people don’t realize that being in a relationship means that you have certain habla gations.
Okay, okay, in all seriousness, what was this person thinking? You can’t just drop different languages in the same sentence and expect it to still make sense to everyone. Well, in this case, it actually worked, but that’s beside the point. It’s actually incredible that people make it this far in life. Maybe instead of worrying about who should pay for what in a relationship, they should focus on their habla gation of learning proper English.
2 It’s Been Tough
You know a tweet is incredible when it not only makes you laugh hysterically, but it also makes you say “same." Is it weird that this is something I can totally see myself doing at a concert? I’ll answer my own question: NO. Is it weird that I actually want to buy a concert ticket just so that I can say that I've done this? Again, I’ll answer my own question: NO. Now, thanks to this tweet, whenever I am at an event with a large audience, and the performer asks how everyone is doing, I will feel compelled to tell them how I truly feel. No more sugar coating things. If they are going to ask me that, I am going to tell them everything!
Lmao dude on Facebook said he been waiting 4 hours for the P to fall so he could sue Walmart pic.twitter.com/c6t6F91dnP— Toyin (@ToyinLies2Girls) February 15, 2017
This next guy is definitely going places. The hospital, most likely, but still places. I hate to break it to this guy, but if he said that he was waiting for the “P” to fall so he could sue Walmart, I’m pretty sure that he’s not going to have much of a case anymore. He definitely would have been better off not telling people what his “brilliant” plan was. Then again, if he was that bright, he probably wouldn’t be waiting for a sign to fall on his head that could potentially kill him. However, if you really think about it, is what this person is doing really that crazy? Times are tough and student loan debt is no joke. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. Actually, on second thought, I’d rather not have a sign fall on my head from 20 feet up.