15 Halloween Fails That Will Make You Want To Skip The Whole Thing Next Year

In: Lifestyle
15 Halloween Fails That Will Make You Want To Skip The Whole Thing Next Year

October 31st is a big night. People go all out in all kinds of ways. They really go for it. We’re talking head-to-toe makeup, costumes, wigs, and nails. And then there are the houses; all decked out in spider webs, gravestones, and pumpkins galore. And let’s not forget about all of the candy, chocolate, lollipops, chips, and everything covered in sugar. Trick-Or-Treating is cool and all, but we don’t want to miss out on all the parties, drinks, playlists, and scary movies there are either! But what happens when it all goes to crap? Your costume doesn’t work out, your decorations fall down, you forgot to buy candy, or you can’t get into the club you bought a ticket for-what do you do? Enough is enough, never again will this night rob you of what was rightfully yours. We’re sick of hoping for a great night and it constantly falling through. Thanks, but no thanks, Halloween 2017. We’re going to sit this one out. Call us when it’s time for Christmas and maybe we’ll try it again.

15. When You Can’t Even Give Out Candy Right

So let’s say you’re planning to really nail it this Halloween. You’re making up for the countless Halloweens when your mom would put a pumpkin out on the doorstep without even carving it. Then, a couple of hours before the trick-or-treaters arrived and give them whatever was left from last year’s Halloween candy stash. This year, you’re doing better. It’s time to celebrate full throttle! You convince your family to spend an entire Saturday afternoon covering the front of your house in all manner of cobweb and ghostly decor. You head to the store and load up on the best in Halloween candy. And then the big night comes; the night you have been preparing for all your life. You go to put your candy in the pumpkin basket that’s always stashed in your attic. Except, the basket is no where to be found. So what do you have to settle for? Next spring’s completely out of season Easter egg basket. You were so close!

14. When There Are More Kids Than You Planned On

Sometimes candy givers are just not prepared. And sure, I get it. You’re spending your hard earned money on marked up candy that you don’t even get to enjoy. Now, you selflessly have to part with your precious sugar-filled treats to fill the grabby hands of your neighborhood rugrats. Add to that, you have to spend all night getting up from your couch and pausing Netflix to answer your door. It’s not an easy job. But if you decide to put that pumpkin out on your doorstep, you’re signing up for the job. So don’t come crying to me if you do it poorly and we call you on it. I still remember the Halloween I came home with a can of ginger ale and a pack of chicken noodle soup. Whoever gave me that must have thought a flu-remedy-kit would be more useful than candy. Well, they were wrong.

13. And When There Are Less

Listen, the candy game is not an easy one to play. Only a seasoned player is able to master it. Even my neighbor, who actually records how many kids come to her door each year, what time the first and last ones arrive, and what the weather was like each year, has yet to accomplish this impossible task. Because it is truly impossible to know exactly how many bags of candy to buy, let alone how many to give to each kid! One makes you look stingy, but two would get you to the end of the bag in just a few doorbell rings. It’s a fine line. But given the choice, I would always vote more candy over less. Because the worst that happens is you get stuck eating candy for the next few days. Oh the humanity!

12. When Your Coworkers Don’t Give A…

I’m not going to lie to you–this one stings. This is why my cardinal costume rule is that it must be easily identifiable. I don’t want to spend hours watching you stare at me inquisitively while throwing out guesses. And I definitely don’t want to be offended if you guess Shrek when my green painted self was actually going for Elphaba the Wicked Witch. But what if you dress like one of TV’s notorious slobs and your co-workers don’t even notice? Ouch. At best, your co-workers were just painfully unobservant. Maybe they just don’t really care about what you dress as, which is, in this case, the best case scenario. Because if they did notice your “costume” and just didn’t say anything, that means your day to day aesthetic already screams Liz Lemon. If you can wear clogs to work while carrying a sandwich and no one bats an eyelash? It’s time to up your work wardrobe, ASAP!

11. When You’re Just Trying To Channel Your Inner Yeezy

Ain’t that just the worst when you’re trying to get down with your inner Yeezy and people aren’t respecting that? Because of course dark glasses, an oversized puffy jacket and expensive (but no one can tell) sweatpants can only describe the great presence that is Kanye West. Oh wait. That’s not true. That’s also the look of any celebrity running through the airport, me when I get dragged on a winter camping trip, and every homeless person. Of course no one was going to recognize that you were trying to be Kanye. He may have said some memorable things, but his look is not one of those things, despite the fact that he has his own fashion line. Now maybe, if you had brought a Kim look-alike to walk alongside you (and a microphone you constantly ranted nonsense into), then maybe people may have caught on.

10. When The Wild Animals Try To Out Do You

The fruit flies swarm around your kitchen, the raccoons root through your garbage, and now those lousy chipmunks are trying to upstage your pumpkin art! When will the wild creatures just leave us alone? Look chipmunks, we get that a pumpkin may look like an appetizing snack to you but it’s actually a decorative canvas. One on which we were planning to wield a knife and create a masterpiece. Were we going to carve a ghoulish face, use the pumpkin to make a political statement or maybe go abstract and bust out the paints? We don’t know. And now we never will because the chipmunks beat us to it. Next time, get your own pumpkin. Or at least attempt to carve something that will impress our neighbors. We can’t have the Picasso of squirrels next door showing us up again.

9. When Fruit Lets You Down

You would think that making caramel apples would be pretty straight forward. The ingredients are right there in the name-caramel and apples. And even if you have to make the caramel yourself, all it really contains is water and sugar. So how come crap like this happens? Isn’t caramel supposed to be inherently sticky? I can’t remember having a bite of caramel apple that didn’t stick to my teeth. So how come this caramel won’t stick to the apple like it’s supposed to? What gives, caramel? No one told us this Halloween treat could turn into such a messy disaster. Next time, we’ll stick to the ones from the store that are always perfectly covered in caramel. And then we’ll spend the next few hours trying to get all the bits of caramel out of our teeth.

8. When Everyone Wears The Exact Same Thing

Okay, I’ll admit it. For about half a second, I considered going as Harley Quinn for Halloween this year. While watching Suicide Squad I couldn’t help but think how fun it would be to dye my hair different colors, draw tattoos on my face, and be able to wear a jacket as part of my costume instead of freezing in some sleeveless number like most years. And just as I was having that thought, I realized so was the rest of the movie theater. In fact, even people who hadn’t seen the movie were having that thought. When we got out of the movie, I noticed the costume shop across the street was half full of shirts that read, “Daddy’s Little Monster.” So I changed my mind. And thank goodness. Because everyone and their dog went as Harley Quinn this year and convinced their boyfriends to go as the Joker.

7. When Your Decorating Isn’t Up To Par

Every year there are those houses who go all out for Halloween. You know the houses I’m talking about. The ones that have inflatable witch cauldrons and black cats on their lawns. The houses that turn their garages into haunted houses and stick (hopefully fake) body parts in their garden beds. They bring out the lights and the creepy music. They spend hours and hours perfecting their Halloween masterpiece. As a kid, I used to think that these houses would always have the best candy, which was never the case. But these houses are looking down at your house with your single hanging goblin and average-sized pumpkin. You don’t have strobe lights or a skeleton that moves? Amateur. Maybe you shouldn’t even bother next year because you are clearly doing Halloween wrong. It’s time to step up and bring your Halloween decorating to the next level or sit this one out.

6. When You’re Wigging Out!

Isn’t it just the worst when the packaged costumes let you down? You think you’re saving so much time by going with something store bought. What could possibly go wrong? Look at that girl on that package. She looks happy, right? Well, that’s probably because she isn’t wearing the wig that actually comes in the package. Look at that thing! That is what my mother would call a rats nest. You would lose a brush in there if you tried to comb that thing through. I used to have Barbie dolls with hair like that and the only solution was to cut it all off. So I’d say cut your losses. Shove that thing back in it’s package and burn it. Or toss it into the dumpster with a lot of gusto. Either way, you’re going to need a plan B for your red hair plans. But there’s one way to save the embarrassment from these wigs, and that’s to skip Halloween.

5. When Your Kids Mess It All Up

See, kids? This is why we can’t have nice things. Because you take those nice things, fill them with sticky and melting candy, and then drag them along the roads for hours. That is not what we do with our high thread counts! Those are for when grandma, who never approves of anything mom does, decides to come and stay for the weekend. And now we’ll have to tell grandma, “Sorry, but here’s a Hannah Montana pillowcase instead. Don’t you remember her? She was a Disney star and then she discovered twerking. Oh and don’t mind the gaping hole at the bottom. Or the fact that my pot roast will never be as good as yours.” Next year, you kids will be lucky if I let you use garbage bags for trick-or-treating. Thanks for nothing.

4. When Nov 1 Does You Wrong

One of the best things about Halloween ending, besides being able to play my Christmas music with reckless abandon, is the leftover candy! Because this candy is completely guilt-free! You didn’t buy that candy for yourself; you bought it for the kids. It’s not your fault that not enough kids decided to show. You can’t be held responsible for the disproportionate amount of candy to kids. So you have to suck it up and take one for the team. Someone has to do it, right? Someone has to eat the candy. And you’re the first to volunteer. If you’re crafty, you’ve managed to give out all of the candy you don’t like and you’re left with half a box of the good stuff. And if you ration it might even last you until Thanksgiving weekend, where you can replace your candy indulgences with leftover pie.

3. When The Organic Movement Goes Too Far

Okay, this whole organic, health conscious movement has gone too far. It’s one thing to include lighter choices on our menus and remove vending machines from schools. And we’re even on board with the trendy farmer’s markets where we end up paying $15 for two organic apples and a handful of home-grown carrots. But to bring that craziness to Halloween candy? Now you’ve gone too far. Halloween is the one night of the year when everything gets turned on its head. We tell kids not to talk to strangers. But on Halloween they are encouraged not only to talk to strangers, but to go into their houses and take candy from them…We leave masks to the serial killers on Criminal Minds, except for on Halloween when everyone gets to wear one. And while they might have to choke down a few brussel sprouts at dinner, kids are then given free reign to collect as much candy as they possibly can. So don’t go messing with our sacred holiday by dropping in this organic garbage.

2. When Walmart’s Emoji Game Is Off

Oh, Walmart. Poor, sweet, naive Walmart with your adorable elderly greeters wishing us a “good day” at the “front door.” You didn’t quite get it this time. We’re sorry to be the ones to break this to you but no, that is not the chocolate ice cream emoticon. Weren’t you just a little bit curious as to why the ice cream was missing a cone or a bowl to hold it? Or maybe the fact that an ice cream emoticon, with a cone, already exists. That really should’ve been your first clue. Sorry, Walmart, but you’re selling poop. That’s right. It’s a poop emoticon. Not the stuff we want served to us in an ice cream cone, thanks. And while we’re at it, that eggplant emoticon isn’t the harmless vegetable you think it is. Please don’t put that on a mask.

1. And When Even The Candy Betrays You

This is just wrong on so many levels. First of all, it’s nasty. How can you give out candy from more than four years ago? That stuff has got to be rock hard by now! Or all melted and stuck together. That’s gross. Secondly, you have got to be some kind of lazy to not buy new candy in over four years. You didn’t once pass the candy aisle in the store and think, “Well, it has been a few years. I guess I could splurge for a new bag this year.” And if you entered any drugstore or grocery store n the month of October, you wouldn’t have even needed to go to the candy aisle because the giant display would’ve been right in front of you. And lastly, this speaks to some eerie kind of self-control. I can’t have candy in my house for four days without eating it, let alone four years. So congrats on having the will-power of a robot.

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