Bands can be a source of many things in our lives, both individually and collectively. They can be a source of great cultural importance and wealth, creating pieces of music as important to a time and place as any national anthem could. They can gift us with those monumental songs that will always remind us of the most important things that have ever happened to us, the soundtrack of our lives. They can also, at times, give the greatest gift of all, the gift that just keeps on giving. That’s right, I'm talking about bad band photos. I’ve compiled a list of the worst of the worst (or the best of the best, if anyone's a cringe connoisseur). So kick back, relax, and be truly grateful that these bandmates pictured are not close family members or friends. (And if they are — well, they have some explaining to do.)
15 What A Name
You know, when I saw the Poopfist photo, and contemplated the Poopfist name and its possible origins, I foolishly thought that Poopfist would be the only fecal-related thing we would have to deal with today. However, as it seems, I was sorely mistaken, because along came this picture of a band which decided to call itself Turds of Misery.
Not only did they decide to pick this name, but they decided to actually go and print it on T-shirts. They had to go to an actual T-shirt decal printing shop, and ask an actual guy behind the counter, “Hey, we’re in a band, and we’d like you to print up some T-shirts for us. Oh, our band’s name? It’s Turds of Misery.” What’s more, in this shot, they’re kind of looking the part. Much like the members of Poopfist, Turds of Misery don’t look too exceedingly happy to be there, even though it’s their own band photo. Chin up, turds. Maybe one day you’ll be the Turds of Joy.
14 Business In Front, Party In Back
To be honest, I could not find the actual name of this band when trying to search for it, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say, I think that is just fine, because they really should be named “Mullet: The Band”, anyway.
I understand that at a certain point in time, mullets were popular. Hell, even very popular. However, there should be a point in time when anybody—even the most fad-infatuated person—looks in the mirror, realizes the look they have chosen to “rock” is actually really, really, really hideous, and then re-evaluates the loving heck out of their life choices. This moment should have definitely come before this band decided that they were going to immortalize themselves forever as stuck with this extraordinary mullet look. Like, seriously, I wish I had a time machine so I could shake them like the Terminator and be like, “NOOOOO! YOU WILL REGRET THIS LATER!”
13 Really, Though?
Okay, as is the case with the mullet in the above photo, I understand that, at a certain point in musical history, glam rock was a thing. I get that at the time, hair metal was a thing as well. It used to be absolutely acceptable to be walking around looking like your body contains more hairspray than blood. But this band has us on this next level stuff. What is this look, the bastard love child of Nikki Sixx and Conan the Barbarian? Why is everyone in this picture staring so seriously, as if they don’t realize they are dressed completely ridiculously? They're all like, “Yes, we are here for some very important, very serious business.” I would especially like to call out the Gentle-Barbarian on the far right. Like, bro, can you please not be staring at us so intensely right now? I'm going to need you to turn it down from eleven, please.
12 Crossed Arms, Tight Pants, Can't Lose
For this band, I have three words, and three words only: Cut. Rate. Menudo. Honestly I am very curious as to who these impostors think they are, coming up on Menudo’s turf, disrespecting their game like that. I am, like, seriously 10 seconds away from calling up Ricky Martin and Draco Rosa and being like, "Yo, these little rapscallions in lycra are ripping off your brand." I also love how it’s pretty clear that one of these five little dudes was NOT cued in on the memo when the decision was made to go with the “everybody crossing their skinny little boy arms” look before this shot was taken. Either that, or he is the true rebel of the group, and was like, “You know what? I walk on the wild side. I live on the EDGE. Nobody tells me how to stand.” You tell em’, slightly taller but still probably pretty short, blonde kid.
11 I Think I'll Skip That Walk, Thanks
I am not easily shook, but I'm not going to lie; this band photo straight up terrified me at first glance. I can’t exactly put a finger on what it is specifically that’s so scary. Is it the blank deadness behind the eyes? Is it the weird stiff posture that sort of looks like both of these women are posing for their album cover at gunpoint or otherwise under threat of violence? Is it the preposterously tall beehive hairdos that make me doubt the very laws of physics themselves? Is it the weird as hell name “Gospellettes”? Is it the ominous invitation of an album title, “Walk With Me”, which when applied to these women, makes me think exclusively of those creepy twin girls in The Shining? If I'm being entirely honest with myself, the answer is, “Yes,” to all of those things. I’ve still got the chills over here.
10 Multi-Level Mess
Okay, so we have in this picture a whole bevy of elements that all come together for a veritable cringe bouquet. First of all, that name. Okay, I get it. You’re making a pun about poop. Very clever. Seriously, I will inform my elementary school aged nephew about it (I’m sure he’ll find it hilarious). Secondly, there are just too many dudes in this shot. Like, clearly, they are having issues with blocking, and the main issue is there are too many dudes. Then there’s the issue of the fact that none of them seem to be looking in the same direction or managing to keep their hair out of their face. It’s almost like they set a camera to go off on a timer and then ran to pose because they couldn’t afford an actual camera man. Wait...okay. That’s pretty much definitely what happened. Next time, focus less on weird not-quite-matching but still synchronized outfits and more on a photographic professional.
9 Elven Nightmares
So, I thought long and hard about this picture, and I am pretty sure I know the exact scenario that resulted in this band choosing the look that they did. I picture the guys just sitting around, considering what aesthetic choices they could make to really reflect what their music was going for. I also assume that a few things were thrown out; ideas that were raised and then ultimately rejected by the group. That is, of course, until one of them—I'm not sure which one, but definitely one of them—just floated, “Hey, guys...now, hear me out here, what if...WHAT IF...we decided to go with this theme.... You know what happens when you go to sleep after eating a lot of cheese right before bed, and the last thought you had before you drifted off was about Christmas?” “YES!”, they all must have shouted (judging by the creepily gleeful looks on their faces). “HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS CHEESE NIGHTMARE IT IS!”
8 No Shirts, Just Skins
7 That Name Seems...Too Accurate
You know those kids in high school (or, if I'm being more accurate by the looks of them, middle school) who were just kind of...off? The kids that tend to stare a little too long and that you suspect in your heart of hearts that they may or may not be one cancelled anime show away from a few tears. Well, they have a band now, and they have decided to name that band Poopfist. I'm guessing that the little dude in the middle is the front man, and despite the solace to be found in his beloved Green Day hoodie, he doesn’t seem too jazzed about this situation. Why the long face, kid? Oh, is it because you’re in a band and you’re the type of person who opted for the name “Poopfist” instead of, you know, literally any other name in the history of the world? Godspeed, Poopfist.
6 Who Runs The World? Naomi
So, once again, there are many, many things to be said about this picture, and the existence of this band in general. The first thing I would like to say is, it would be EXTREMELY difficult to make anything more white than this happen on planet Earth. This is maybe the whitest image of all time, and that is hilarious. Secondly, does anyone else notice that Naomi seems to be the boss a*s b*tch of the group? Because i sure did. They may have put her on second billing with the name “The Sego Brothers and Naomi”, but I know that The Sego Brothers aren’t really fooling themselves. They know who is REALLY in charge of the show here, and it isn’t Sego Brother Number One, Two, Three, or Four. Nope, it’s Naomi, and she is here to slay. You tell them, Naomi. Nobody puts Naomi in the corner.
5 I Can Name One...
For the second time on this list, it seems as if this band has decided to imitate another, much more popular band. In the first case, it was Menudo, and now, it seems to be Hanson. For those who don’t recall, Hanson was a band of three super blonde brothers that people often thought were girls, who completely infected the entire country with their earworm of a one-hit-wonder, “Mmm-mmm-bop”. If you don’t remember it, you’re better off. But what’s hilarious here, is that it seems that this band is taking the Hanson model of “three blonde kids,” but whereas Hanson was unabashedly wholesome, these kids are going for that “EDGE.” Spoiler alert: they’re failing. The only “bad habit” you kids are trying to get over is your perennial problem with wetting your beds, and possibly sucking your thumbs. But at least instead of just looking like a girl, one of them is actually a girl! There’s silver linings to every cloud.
4 When I Think About You, I Touch Myself
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think this picture is worth a thousand cringes. Or, at least, this picture is worth a thousand questions. What brought this band to this place in time? I suppose the whole shirtless thing was a team building exercise they decided to try in order to reinforce the bond between band members. You know how skin on skin contact works... That, or they all really love hugging up on each other without shirts on. But really, the question here lies in the lightning. What is happening with that lightning strike? Is it the force of friendship coursing through them? Or is it something more along the lines of frenetic sexual energy? Was this photo taken, like, 10 seconds before they all started making out? Honestly, I hope so. Everyone deserves love. Even these guys.
3 Ground Control To Major Garvis
Once again, I seem to have hit upon a common theme among certain bands from the '70s composed of a bunch of weird men. Namely, the theme of some sort of Christmas-esque dream, I desperately wish I could escape from. Even the name creeps me out. That, and, of course, the combo of horrible, orange spray tans that even Donald Trump would think is a little too much with the weird, way-too-open red and white track suits. Is Garvis what happens when Santa gets weird and retires to Florida? What kind of music do you think these dudes could possibly make? I am kind of horrified at the thought of the genre-defying creepiness that must come out of Garvis when they sit down to jam. All I want for Christmas is to please escape the horrible grasp of the Garvis cult. I’d hate to see what they do to the nice, almost as much as what they do to the naughty, TBH.
2 Hoo Boy Hair Metal
I must again acknowledge, as I did for our weird Conan-Sixx friends above, that hair metal was once a thing. But like those weird staring aforementioned dudes, this hair metal band has decided to take all of the weird cringeyness of the hair metal aesthetic a step too far. Let me count the ways: Those two dudes pointing at the camera? Extra AF. Seriously, put your finger down, you look foolish. Then there are the headbands. Are we really in need of polka dots? Is that where we’re going with this? Plus, then there’s the duckface going on with Mr. Polka Dots. Like, I get it, bro, you want us to think you’re deep. Well done. Last—but definitely not least—we have the guy between the two finger pointers. Notice anything weird? Yes, he is wearing a shirt with his own face on it. He is wearing his own band shirt. My dude. Seriously?
1 Creed Cringe
I am going to end this list out with a band that many of our readers will be familiar with. I am speaking of Creed. Possibly one of the worst bands of their time, Creed decidedly pooped all over the general music scene, with front man Scott Stapp basically defining aggressive mediocrity until the folks at Nickleback came along and were like, “Hold my beer.”
What readers might not know is that, along with failing at music, Creed is also very adept at failing at band photos. This photo looks like it belongs at the very top of the Awkward Family Photos page, but was an honest to goodness attempt at a promo by the band and whatever poor soul repped them. Honestly, y’all are shirtless again!? And this time with nipple rings, dumb tattoos, and a “seductive” finger in the belt? Nu uh. Not buying it. Good luck with all that, Creed. Or like...not.