Ever since we first started posting selfies on Myspace, social media has been equal parts blessing and curse. On one hand, it's a great way to keep in touch with family and friends in today's busy world. On the other, it's annoying as hell. On one hand, you love being able to easily catch up with people with just a like and a quick comment. On the other, it's annoying as hell.
Social media has its ups, downs, highs, lows, and moments where you're totally convinced that only a cleansing fire can undo all the damage that Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and more have caused. Our online lives, our obsessions—our sin! Our soul!—love it or hate it, for the time being, social media is here to stay. But no matter if you're only online as a casual observer or you're the kind of social media queen that puts even the Kardashians to shame, there are some things that we all experience on social media eventually—like it or not.
Sometimes, you eat a lunch that looks so genuinely food-sexy that you can't not post it. And can anyone genuinely resist the urge to Tweet about their first trip to the gym when they've been off the wagon for a while? We all know someone who status updates the entire online world about every boring second of their lives. There are just some people who can't help but tweet every time they stub their toe, brush their teeth, see a dog, or take a sh*t (although, actually, we're kind of interested in those dog tweets, tbh). And despite how much we make fun of those people behind their backs, there are some moments when we absolutely want to be them.
Whether we just hit up that ultra-hipster burger joint with the wine barrels for chairs or we just mixed together the raddest margarita or our lives, we all get that urge from time to time to flood our feeds with annoying pictures. But from time to time.. why bother even fighting it? Cut loose, indulge, and post that nonsense!
In the world of new social media, statuses like "I really wish SOME PEOPLE would chill the hell out with their political memes," and "Some people obviously don't have a lot more going on in their lives than dressing up their cats as Sex and the City characters," might just be a thing of the past.
But scroll back in our post histories, and each and every one of us has had a moment when we were either hovering over the enter button or pressing it hard in response to an "unnamed individual" who was straight up pissing us off. Is there anything more satisfying than publicly shaming someone? Probably charity work and giving blood, but y'know, this is a lot easier, at least.
Seeing drama pop up on our dashboards is kind of like being offered a free slice of someone else's birthday cake: it's not about you, you didn't have to be responsible for dealing with it, but man, is it enjoyable or what?
Seeing a friend bicker publicly with someone you don't like might not be the most wholesome thing to do with your lunch break, but what else are you going to get up to? YouTube videos of cats? Actually... that's not a half-bad idea, come to think...
They're those ultra-awkward friend requests that come in from people that you haven't seen in years. Yeah, you know them, or at least, you knew them once... but do you really want to be friends with them now? It's not a matter of being cliquey or rude, it's just that we all have busy lives—and if you barely had anything to talk about all the way back then, what the heck are you going to have to talk about now?
As social media becomes increasingly intimate and personalized, it's hard to accept every friend request that comes in the way we used to. There are straight up just some people we don't want flooding our feeds with blurry pictures of their kids or ultra-filtered snapshots of their frozen chicken nugget dinners. Sorry... not sorry.
If our drunk selves have one fatal flaw (other than high heels, low impulse control, and lines at the bathroom), it's that we become so convinced that we're perfect 10's. This leads to taking a million selfies, but when the photos start popping up on our feeds the next morning, reality hits—and it hits hard.
The metaphorical sucker punch that is seeing our own ratchet-ass photos early in the morning while we nurse a hangover is practically unbearable. And instead of being a true friend, our friends always, without fail, post them online for the whole world to see, rather than having the decency to delete them on sight. Thanks, guys.
Every girl has that one dude on her friend's list who has, at some point, jumped aboard the "hey" train. "Hey," he chats while you're reading the morning news. "Hey," he says while you're at the store buying groceries. "Hey," he writes, inexplicably still awake at 4 a.m., apparently under the impression that this is the perfect time to win a girl's heart.
Do we ever respond to all of these "hey's that pour in the second we change our relationship status? Hell no, do we look insane? It takes more than just a "hey" to pique our interest in a guy—like, c'mon, dudes, at least tack on a "how are you?"
Maybe you're just tired of seeing him comment weird stuff on every girl's summer bikini pic, or maybe he's just posted one too many shirtless selfies with that weird squint-face that dudes think is cute or something. But the second he starts whining about how "chivalry is dead" and "girls only date assholes," you know exactly what his problem really is: no sane girl will touch him, because he's a total sleazeball and he just hasn't realized yet.
Same goes for all the ladies out there who take to Facebook with their man-hating relationship woes. Not every good guy out there is taken or gay—you might just be going after the wrong kind of men. But either way, the hilarious thing about this isn't other people's pain—it's the fact that the reasons they're struggling are So. Freaking. Obvious! and they have no freaking idea.
Your contouring is impeccable, the lighting is both bright and flattering, you've got all your angles right, and you aren't even pulling a duck face... but nonetheless, you're not seeing a single notification flash up at the top of your screen, and not even a single thumbs up appear beneath the pic.
Maybe you posted at a bad time? Weird Facebook algorithms to blame? There's gotta be something, because this selfie is the freaking Mona Lisa of all selfies, so it can't be your fault. It's just so funny when this happens and we're like, totally laughing it off... okay, just kidding, this is worse than getting stood up at prom.
How did they find us? What are their reasons? If our Instagram accounts came paired with a questionnaire, we'd kill to know why random people we don't know feel the need to see our impulse snapshots of burgers and our legs at unexpected times every day. Who are these people? What are they doing with their lives?
We know deep down that they're probably just hoping for a followback, but... consider the reality where they aren't. Could it be that we're just so fascinating, even strangers want to read our live-tweets of the Gilmore Girls reboot? Because... holy sh*t, we hope so.
We're not trying to be petty, but... well, it's hard not to when that girl who used to call you fat back in middle school is now three times your size and, from the looks of her most recent statuses, totally miserable. On one hand, we totally feel sorry for people who air their dirty laundry on their social media accounts... but on the other, there's some small part of each and every one of us who is gonna let that vengeful spirit take over our bodies while we rapidly devour all of the evil little details of the sh*tty lives of those who have wronged us.
That ex-boyfriend who is now totally losing all his hair? That creepy professor whose wife is currently commenting "SCUMBAG" on all of his profile pics? Karma, man. The sweetest vengeance is the kind where you can just sit back and watch what happens without even lifting so much as your finger.
People are gonna share stupid stuff on social media... and we all have that one friend who is just deviously waiting for the right moment to strike. Just like there's nothing more frustrating than when people won't stop sharing obnoxious nonsense, there's nothing more satisfying than watching someone with nothing better to do send that person straight to the burn unit.
Should your friends probably be using the powers of their wit for good instead of evil—or at least, for something productive? Sure. But would it be half as entertaining as watching them rip apart that nutjob who keeps going on weird conspiracy rants when you're just trying to look at birthday party pics? No freaking way.
This is only funny because it's so freaking cute. Your grandmother that keeps confusing the status update box for the Google search bar or your great aunt who keeps trying to start long, chatty conversations with you in the comments section of your latest party pics aren't really that annoying—but they are pretty adorable.
Someone should probably run a class at every local senior citizen center on how to use social media, but if they did, it would rob us of all those sweet little moments when granny just doesn't get things like spambots or how Farmville requests work.
Your friends would never use so many exclamation points or comment so many compliments on other people's selfies... but on alcohol, they would! Sometimes, you can tell that they've just gone kind of stupid because they're staying up way too late, but that time that they went through every profile picture you've ever posted and commented with emojis? You know that wasn't the action of a sober person.
Worse than this is when your friends can tell that you're the one posting after one too many glasses of wine. All those tweets about how all dogs should wear shoes? You don't know what the hell you were on about, but those are definitely being deleted in the morning... unless your friends have all retweeted them first.
With online dating becoming more and more common, you can only hope that the Tinder pictures you fell in love with match up with the real person once you meet face-to-face. You can cross you fingers, knock on wood, and pray to whatever gods you believe in... but there's still a good chance that you'll end up meeting up with someone whose pics were either taken ten years ago or from an angle so flattering, you kind of want to know their secret.
There's also the fact that you already know basically everything there is to know about them, down to the fact that their aunt Carol just vacationed in Mexico to how they own three cats, Fluffy, Mildred, and Minnie. Good luck not accidentally bringing that up...
Every so often, you'll run into someone so painfully stupid, so blatantly rude, or so downright awful that you're going to want to swear off social media for good. We can all picture ourselves there: reading books outside in the sunshine, writing letters the old-fashioned way, oil painting fields of flowers, and eating delicious meals without a single compulsion to Instagram any of it...
But no matter what our ideal lives without social media might look like, we're all addicts in one way or another—and in one way or another, we'll all come crawling back. Like buttons, retweets, Insta-hearts and Snapchat stories... as much as we hate them, we actually totally love them. Life would be boring without social media! So we'll keep clicking, refreshing, and posting until our batteries die and our fingers fall off... or at least, until the next big thing comes around.