J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series practically defined a generation, and even though the series (and the films) are complete, that hasn’t stopped the Potterheads from waxing poetic about our beloved franchise or coming up with new theories about our favorite books.
Thanks to Tumblr’s anonymous ask function, Harry Potter confession blogs allow Potterheads to reveal their deepest, darkest—or most hilarious—secrets about how they feel towards the franchise, such as admitting that they always hated a fan favorite character such as Ron Weasley or wished that the accio spell was real so they could easily grab their iPhone 7 without ever having to get up from the bed.
If you, like me, have loved the Harry Potter series since you were a kid way back in the ‘90s, then the following Tumblr confessions will have you laughing hysterically.
15 It Is Not Just A Book
Honestly, whoever tells me that Harry Potter is just a book series is going to get a wand or a cauldron chucked at their head. Harry Potter isn’t just a fun series for us Potterheads, it is a way of life. I grew up with both the characters and the actors, and the series is actually hitting home in terms of Donald Trump’s election. In a lot of ways, what we Americans are going through now mirrors Lord Voldemort’s second rise, and during these times, I can’t help but keep remembering Albus Dumbledore’s advice to stand strong with my friends and allies, despite our differences. So if you think that Harry Potter is just a popular children’s book series, you’ve got it all wrong. It’s a phenomenon, and it also speaks to current events, despite being written in the late ‘90s and early 2000s.
14 This Was Me In High School And College
I cracked up when I read this because this was SO me in both high school and college. Every single time Harry Potter was mentioned, all of my classmates would practically turn to me in unison because they knew that I was probably New York’s biggest Potterhead and I’d instantly perk up when I heard the name of my all-time favorite book series. I imagine other Harry Potter fans in other places were also treated the same by their classmates. Not that I minded, of course—I am a proud Harry Potter fan. Heck, I religiously wear my Gryffindor scarf in the winter just to show off my House pride and I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on it too. Just recently a cashier at T.J. Maxx took one look at the scarf, started laughing, and told me I’d get along great with her BFF who is also a huge Potterhead.
13 Maybe They’re Channeling Hermione’s Magic
This confession made me giggle, not because it is corny, but because I KNOW it is something I would do. Heck, I’m irritated at myself for not doing something similar in high school and college—maybe if I wore lucky Harry Potter paraphernalia, I would’ve done better at math and science despite my dyscalculia. Then again, math in particular is so damn confusing that not even channeling Hermione’s magic and brains would’ve helped me understand half of what was on the exam. Also, this confessor has a lucky Harry Potter wand? I am SO jealous. Then again, if I had one while I was still in college or high school I’d be too tempted to bust it out and pretend to do magic on an exam as a laugh. I don’t think my teachers or my professors would be too thrilled, to be honest.
12 I Need A Snitch Bracelet
I read this confession, and I laughed because if I had a snitch bracelet, I would totally wear that thing 24/7 too. Heck, if I ever get married, not only would I have a Harry Potter-themed wedding (much to the chagrin of my long-suffering boyfriend and family) but I’d probably wear my golden snitch bracelet even if it clashed with my dress. I would give zero f**** because even on my wedding day, I would STILL want to show off my undying love for all things Harry Potter. So I totally understand when the confessor admitted that wearing Potter paraphernalia is a habit and they refuse to give it up. I too have a bracelet that I wear almost every single day, and I feel naked if I don’t have it on. I’m sure if this confessor doesn’t wear their snitch bracelet, they too feel like something’s missing.
11 Gotta Love Fan Fiction
Oh man, I burst out laughing when I read this confession because who didn’t try their hand at writing Harry Potter fan fiction? Embarrassing confession time: I too tried once to write a Severus Snape/OC ‘fic based on Neil Gaiman’s movie Stardust about a star who falls to Earth just like Yvaine and becomes a witch. However, I only wrote a few chapters and I don’t think I ever posted it on FanFiction.net. It’s probably a good thing too, because looking back, I have no idea what I was thinking. Plus, I’m sure my writing was absolutely awful back then too. But yes, I too spent countless hours plotting fan fiction in my head or pouring over fan fiction on sites like Fiction Alley or Fanfiction.net. Ahhh, those were the good ol’ days!
10 Tonks Lives
I giggled when I read this one because Tonks was always one of my favorite characters from Harry Potter and I was furious when J.K. Rowling (stupidly) decided to kill her off in Deathly Hallows. It would be pretty nifty if Tonks was a real person and she was reincarnated as the person who wrote this confession, although I’m sure she’d be baffled at the Muggle world. She’d probably also be annoyed that she couldn’t change her hair color in the blink of an eye, and actually has to use hair dye that she bought from the store OR make the trek to the hair salon in order to have the color changed by a professionals. For someone who could effortless change their appearance, having to sit still while having dye on your head would be a huge pain in the a**.
9 Accio Is A Useful Spell
Not going to lie, I snorted with laughter when I read this because there have been plenty of times where I too have wished that magic was real and all I have to do in order to summon an item into my outstretched hand would be to yell “Accio.” Can you imagine how awesome that would be? If I misplaced my favorite dog training book, all I’d have to do is yell out “Accio The Culture Clash by Jean Donaldson.” If I needed to get utensils while setting the table for the holidays, all I’d have to do is say “Accio knives, forks and spoons” and I wouldn’t have to budge from the dining room. It would make life a LOT easier for all of us.
8 Care Of Magical Creatures Would Be Awesome
I laughed at how enthusiastic the confessor was at wanting to take Hagrid’s Care of Magical Creatures class, although I admit it would be pretty damn cool to learn more about hippogriffs and to meet a thestral. Oh, and pet a baby unicorn—how cute would that be? I’d be squealing with glee from the minute Hagrid brought out the unicorn foals, although he’d probably be highly disappointed that I wasn’t interested in the more “interesting” (AKA dangerous) creatures. But c’mon, it is a BABY UNICORN—who wouldn’t squeal over how damn cute they are? I’d also be the muggleborn dork who would try to clicker train the unicorn foals as well as teach Hagrid how to clicker train the thestrals. He loves magical creatures, and would probably get a big kick out of the idea of clicker training.
7 I'd Cry If A Picture Moved, NEGL
I won’t lie, I think I would either start crying of joy or laughing if I opened a chocolate frog and saw the accompanying picture move, just like how they move in the Harry Potter series. I’d probably run around my room shrieking with joy and waking my dogs up—I’m pretty sure my younger dog Zoe would roll her eyes and grumble at how stupid her owner was acting. Then I’d show my boyfriend and be all “See? SEE? I KNEW I was supposed to go to Hogwarts as a kid! Magic is real, woo-hoo!” Of course, all that racket would probably drive my neighbors up a wall and they’d likely tell me to STFU, but hey, it would be worth risking their ire to see a magical picture.
6 Never Did Like Molly Weasley
I know Bellatrix Lestrange is a villain and would’ve died or been sent back to Azkaban at the end of the series, but it still boggles my mind that freakin’ MOLLY WEASLEY was able to kill her. Unlike some other Harry Potter fans, I always loathed Molly because I felt that she was self-absorbed, immature (shunning Hermione because she thought she was dating Harry in Goblet of Fire was dumb), trying to meddle in Bill’s love life because she hated his girlfriend Fleur, acting like a total b**** to Sirius when she was a guest in HIS house, and overbearing AF. How on Earth an awful character like that with no magical skills to speak of could kill Lord Voldemort’s trusted second in command still boggles my mind. If Bellatrix was going to get killed, let her be killed by Tonks or Minerva McGonagall instead.
5 I Can't Believe There's People Out There Who Haven't Read The Series
I’m astounded that not only has the confessor only read small parts of the Harry Potter series, but that they’ve been able to keep up the lie amongst their friends for so long. You’d think that the confessor would slip up and stumble, which would make their Harry Potter-loving pals a bit suspicious, but I guess not. Then again, in the age of the Internet, it is pretty easy to read up on an entire franchise and find out all sorts of interesting tidbits that only die-hard fans would normally know, so I suppose that would explain why they haven’t slipped up yet. I’m still surprised that they haven’t read the entire series in full though—if you’re going to read bits and pieces of it, why not just sit down and read all seven books? Isn’t that easier in the long run?
4 Now That Would've Been One Hell Of A Twist
I laughed so hard at this confession that I nearly spit out my coffee. I can’t believe that they didn’t pick up on the fact that Snape was in love with Lily Evans. However, it would’ve been one hell of a twist if Snape was in love with James Potter rather than Lily. It would’ve been cool if there were more characters in the Harry Potter universe who were not straight—the only one that I can think of is Albus Dumbledore, and J.K. Rowling announced that he was gay after the series had been completed. It’s a shame that there wasn’t more representation in terms of different sexualities, although that hasn’t stopped fans from shipping Wolfstar (Sirius x Remus) or Drarry (Draco x Harry). At least there’s plenty of representation in the world of Harry Potter fan fiction!
3 A Salmon Is A Boring Patronus
I snickered when I read this confession, but it is true. What on Earth is a salmon patronus going to do to a dementor, anyway? It’s not powerful, or strong. The most a salmon patronus is going to do is maybe smack the dementor a few times in the face with its tail fins. That’s not going to do much, in all honesty. Now something like a bear patronus would be totally bad*** because it could tear up a dementor with its claws or even throw it to the ground. Heck, even a cheetah or hawk patronus would be better than a salmon, since the former could charge at a dementor and the latter would be able to drive it off by attacking it with its talons.
2 I'd Laugh If Filch Was McGonagall's Son
This has to be one of the funniest Harry Potter confessions on Tumblr. I can’t believe someone misheard Argus Filch saying “ma’am” to Professor McGonagall and thought he was saying “mum.” Didn’t he realize that it was impossible for Filch and McGonagall to be mother and son? The actors aren’t that far apart in age—David Bradley is 74 years old while Dame Maggie Smith is 82 years old. Besides, both characters appeared to be around the same age in the films, and Filch is technically a Squib who can’t do magic while McGonagall is pretty damn powerful, so I don’t get why he would think that they were related. Although it would’ve made for a funny Harry Potter theory, especially given the fact that wizards are extremely long-lived.
1 The Marauders Were Definitely The Magical Equivalent Of The Pythons
Imagining the Marauders having the exact same sense of humor as the famous comedy troupe Monty Python makes for some pretty funny headcanons. Even though the Pythons were muggles, I’m sure some of the muggleborns in Gryffindor introduced the Marauders to things like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which inspired their pranks and hijinks. Now I can’t help but picture the Marauders re-enacting the scene where King Arthur battles the Black Knight, and one of them (probably Sirius) pretends to be hurt and yells out “’Tis but a scratch” in the middle of the Gryffindor common room. Or taunting poor Severus with insults they heard from the scene where the French soldier. James and Sirius probably told Severus at least four times a day that his mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries.