Headlines will either make or break an article. It can be hard to think of a killer headline, especially when you're under pressure at work. Your boss may want you to crank out a certain amount of posts or articles per day, and it gets stressful. While, on other days, it's super slow at the office and you make up the most ridiculous headlines and stories, just for a more fun way to pass the time. We wish that this wasn't a problem, but unfortunately, it is. There are so many newspaper headlines that just... don't make any sense. Same with articles online! We're here to show you 15 of the worst headlines that'll make your jaw drop in disbelief. Be warned, some of these are disturbing. You'll get through them, though!
15 Wait, what?
Yes, grandma, you read that right! The best man was left bleeding after being hit in the head by a... please forgive us for saying this, flying dildo. But wait, there's more! Wait until you hear where it came from! *Face palm* Imagine all the grandmothers who were in utter shock and disbelief after reading this headline. Our grandparents don't really talk about this stuff, let alone want read about it on the front page. This is... not okay to be a first-page news story. If we had to guess, the flying dildo probably came from the maid of honor as a joke. Or, if you're a twisted individual like we are, you may think that it came from the groom after hearing that his best friend was banging his new wife.
Either way, it made him bleed? How in the world did that happen? How hard does someone have to throw a dildo to make someone bleed? You know what? We don't really want to know.
14 You... you don't say!
Holy. Smokes. If only we were able to get to Diana while she was alive before she died! Ugh! What confuses us about this article the most (because, quite honestly, we're confused by the entire section) is the fact that at the bottom of this snippet it says "Do you think Diana is dead? Or have you seen her in Morocco? Call now!" We're sorry, but what? Is Diana alive and well or buried six feet under? We're so confused! We're also confused by the fact that someone actually wrote she was "alive and well" before dying. Of course she was! That's a no-brainer. Before you die, you are very much alive.
Sigh... If there's one thing we're thankful for, it's the fact that news stories aren't as dumb as they used to be. Okay, we take that back. Some news stories are even dumber.
13 The goat has a code
You know what, we'd be pretty peeved if we were these officers. How dare this goat only respect one man? We deserve just as much respect as he does! The most disturbing thing about this article is the fact that it was written in 2013. You would think that by 2013 people would have a... how should we put this? Way with words? We're sorry that the police are in an apparent showdown with a goat stuck on the roof and all, but what does the man have to do with anything? Are you trying to imply that the man disrespected the goat and, out of sheer anger, the goat trotted onto a roof? What? People, learn how to create headlines that don't boggle our minds!
If you were to write "Police thwarted by goat stuck on the roof and can't figure out how it got up there" or something, we would have been like "wow, how on Earth did it get up there?" That would have prompted us to read this! Granted, we probably would have read this article anyway, but... still, get your sh*t together!
12 What is this flying thing?
Who would have guessed that a bug with the ability to fly is really just a flying bug? Good lord, we're glad someone decided to write about this one. What would we do if we didn't have this information? Let's take a quick moment to thank Wayne Hansen for writing this piece up. As you can see, he's the Redwood Co. Extension Educator and he sure did educate us.
We seriously hope you can tell that we're being beyond sarcastic, here. Come on, people. Of course a bug with wings is a flying bug. What else would it be? A flying extraterrestrial being? It's not E.T., ya'll. If we had to guess, we'd say this was written in the "good old days" when people were unable to look online (what's an on-line?) and figure out what was flying around them. Don't worry, citizens, Wayne has you covered.
11 Through the back door?
Are they accepting the gay boys through the back door? LOL, sorry. We honestly couldn't help ourselves. This paper is a disaster. The layout, the headlines... just about everything. Right down to the creepy picture of the woman holding the back door open. The thing that bothers us the most about this one is the fact that the headline to this article says "Boy Scouts to accept gay boys" but the sub-headline says "Organization continues to disallow gay leaders." What? Why? What's wrong with having a gay boy as a leader? Here's the answer to that question: nothing.
Not all gay boys are what your media's stereotypes would have you believe. We seriously don't even know where the jokes came from. And we're not sure we want to find out. Anyway, just let the gay boys and men be scout leaders. OK?
10 This is clearly an epidemic
6,000 what? Are we reading this right? Does that say... rim jobs? Good lord, yes... yes it does. What on Earth are they doing over there at BlackBerry headquarters? Actually, scratch that. We're not sure if we really want to know. After all, the title of this article says it all. They're giving rim jobs! Or... the were giving rim jobs. There are 6,000 positions on the line! Does this mean that 6,000 people aren't getting what they want? We think so. Look how angry this woman seems, too. We wonder if she's the one holding out on 6,000 people or if she's one of those who so desperately wants a rim job.
So, just to clarify with you all, we went to the Google to help us figure out what a RIM job was, and it turns out they're referring to Research In Motion (RIM), the former name of the BlackBerry developer. We still like our initial impression of the situation better, though.
9 Son of a—why?!
When did this happen?! We were honestly under the impression that planes were able to land wherever TF they wanted whenever TF they wanted. This new rule is bogus! No one, we repeat, no one is going to listen to this stupid rule. Like, we get that there are airstrips and all, but there are also roads and highways that are perfectly fine to land on. This nonsense about going to an airport to land our plane is just... not okay. Where can we sign to petition this one? Grab your pitchforks and torches, this means war!
People... no. You obviously have to park your airplane at the airport. These suckers could kill people if they landed anywhere else. If you have your own designated landing field or strip, that's one thing. But... the fact that someone literally made this into a news story? Come on. Who's the sourpuss that refused to land the aircraft?
8 Poor pupper
You know what? We'd probably start a fight if we were in a four-hour standoff, too. That poor pug probably wanted to go home but the mean old cop wasn't having it. What we want to know is why this went on for four hours. We would also like to know how this is considered a "real story." Aren't there more important things to worry about than a pug roaming the streets? Maybe he was going on a date with the retriever down the block and these cops held him up. Did anyone stop to think about what the poor lil' pup was trying to do? No. They didn't.
Instead, they got into a four-hour standoff on the street, probably closed the road and then fought with this lil' pupper. Didn't the cops have anything better to do in those four hours? We know that cops can get a bad reputation... maybe this is why?
7 What a nasty pooh!
LOL, what were you thinking? We bet "Winnie the Pooh" wasn't the first thing that crossed your mind after reading this headline. Shame on you for being so filthy! Speaking of things that are filthy, take a look at this Pooh. It's definitely not the cleanest and we wouldn't want to snuggle up next to it. After reading the headline and realizing that it wasn't a giant human poop clogging the sewer system, we felt relieved. Can you imagine if someone's poop actually clogged the sewer system of a while city? They'd have to be giants in order for that to happen. Anyway, read a little further down and you see that it wasn't just Winnie the Pooh who clogged the sewer. A bike and a fax machine were also at fault.
Who and why feels the need to throw these things down into the sewer? What ever happened to donating your old belongings to the Goodwill store? Or, if they're totally trashed, leaving them outside for the garbage man to take. Bring those days back!
6 Can you say "cat fight"?
How dare they! Why would the police break up a cat party? If you read more than just the heading, you probably saw that it was the first time in the history of the region that the cops did this. What was going down at this party? Did someone get caught with too much catnip? Maybe they had too much wine and started meowing really loud? What could have caused this party to be shut down? Whatever it was, we're sure these lil' guys didn't deserve it. They were just trying to have a good time! The cat in the image above looks pissed TF off. We hope that he doesn't find out who ratted him out and ruined his party. He doesn't look like the forgiving type.
If cops are bored to the point that they're breaking up cat parties, there's something wrong. Shouldn't they be on the look out for drug deals and robberies? Unless they're this bored because they've already cleaned up all of this city's crime, in which case, bravo.
5 This is wrong on so many levels
By the look on his face, we can tell that it was indeed "beyond huge." By the look on the other man's face, we can tell that he's pretty annoyed. Like, yeah, he knows it's huge. He told you this before you decided to get down and dirty. Oh, wait... are we looking at this the wrong way? Oops! Maybe we should get our minds out of the gutter. It doesn't really help, though, when the caption itself is dirty AF. Especially when they're down on the ground like this! Who's writing these headlines? We've seen some pretty odd ones, but this one takes the cake.
This article was probably not as important as it seemed. They were probably angry with each other because they're on opposite teams and they're sore losers. We get that headlines are supposed to be captivating, but this is going a bit too far.
4 LOL please tell us this is a joke
Imagine being her friend. Imagine getting a text saying that she's about to go to jail for harassing the workers at McDonald's for not having any more chicken nuggets. What would you do? Why call 911? Why wouldn't you call the manager? What are the cops going to do for you other than realize that you're bat sh*t crazy and send you for a psych evaluation?
Look, lady. We understand your pain, believe us! It sucks when McDonalds' runs out of something that we've been looking forward to all day. Usually, what bothers us, is when they say that their ice cream machine is broken. (WHICH IS EVERY SINGLE TIME WE WANT A McFLURRY, WHAT GIVES?!) But... we just drive away. We don't involve the local authorities!
3 No duh, Sherlock
Do you believe that?! Huh! We were under the impression that teen pregnancy drops significantly at the age of 20! You know, because 19 is the last age with the word "teen" in it. You don't say "twenty-teen." That just sounds absolutely ridiculous. Like this article! Sigh. We wonder if it was a slow day in the office on Monday, December 29. We wonder if the writers and editors were like, "Alright, what can we do to make our newspaper stand out over our competition's paper? Wait, I got it! Let's cover something that people already know, but expand on it with false information!" Was that what happened?
Teen pregnancy is a problem, especially if the young woman is alone, was assaulted or is still in school. However, the very specific problem of teen pregnancy stops being a problem once teens are no longer in question. You know what, this doesn't make any sense, and we blame this awful headline writer for making us try to make sense of nonsense.
2 That Naan is not your Nan
While we'd like to believe this story is 100 percent genuine, we're almost positive that someone bit chunks out of their naan bread in order for it to look like their grandmother. We're sorry to say, however, that this naan looks more like Bevis (of Bevis and Butthead fame) than anyone else. We're not sure if your grandmother would be pleased with this, erm... tribute? The funniest thing about this news clipping is what the young lad said to the reporter. If you can't read it well, we'll fill you in. It says, "It was spooky. I've heard of the Virgin Mary on toast and a Duchess of Cambridge on a jellybean, but never expected to see my gram."
While we're sure you were proud of yourself, we're here to say that you didn't fool anyone. You bit into the Naan bread to make it look like this for publicity. It's cool, but it's totally fake.
1 Poor man
In his defense, it does look like a postal box. Plus, he's 91 years old! Let's give the poor old man a break. We honestly want to read more of this story. How did he find out that he was putting his letters in a poo box? Did a kind soul finally surface and alert him that he was doing it all wrong? Poor Alf, we feel really bad for him! This is why we believe (and please don't get angry at us for saying this) that old folks should be in a home. We're not saying a nursing home, because if they're able to take medicine and do day-to-day activities without help, so be it. But, they do have communities where old folks live and there are younger people who clean their house, take out their mail and mow the grass.
Plus, when an older person lives in communities like this, they're around people the same age as them! These communities usually have parks in the center or a hall where they can go to play bingo. If more elders were willing to go to these houses, things like this wouldn't happen. Alf wouldn't have been made fun of!