So, just a head's up, there are some spoilers for The Percy Jackson Series and The Heroes of Olympus Series (like, all of them). So this is a fair warning.
I've always loved the Percy Jackson Series. When my brother or I were sick, our dad would read us a bit of The Lightning Thief, and it never failed to make us laugh. And that's the least funny book in the series (so that's saying a lot). Rick Riordan got even better around book three. It took me an embarrassingly long time to connect with the rest of the Percy Jackson fandom. And boy, 10 books has produced a lot of fans, and even more ridiculous jokes. Of the latter, I've taken the 15 best Percy Jackson jokes and put them in no particular order. How could we possibly choose the best one?
And for those of you who haven't gotten the chance to read these books or may judge us adults who read this series-get a grip. Any 21 year old college student can read these and be enthused. Even if it's just to give them a desperate break from their 700 page textbooks, historical jargon, and finals. These books are for everyone. So let's get started.
15 That Dam Joke
"Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can." Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?" Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?" "Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries." Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom." [...] I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand." "I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said. "And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.” --Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse
I admit, The Titan's Curse is actually my least-favorite Percy Jackson book. Probably because Annabeth isn't in it (or rather, was only in it for all of 10 pages). And Zoe and Biana dying was a real downer (spoiler alert!). Plus we finally meet Athena, who is my favorite Greek entity, and she turns out to be a real jerk. But this one stupid joke completely makes up for it.
14 Movie-Lovers, Read the Book
There are only two movies that I know of that are better than the books they're based off of, and they are The Help and How to Train Your Dragon. Percy Jackson doesn't even make the "maybe" list. It doesn't even make the "definitely not" list. It's squarely on the "we need to burn this in a bloody ritual to purge Hollywood of the foul taint" list. I don't want to come off too strong. The first movie was okay. We all knew it wouldn't be as good as the book, but it wasn't a stinker. It had Uma Thurman in it, and Annabeth was the ultimate boss-girl. Not to mention, Grover and Percy were both funny as per usual (that scene where Percy uncaps Riptide for the first time still makes me giggle). But then, the second movie came out. Do I really have to say more? That was...no. Just, no. Its only redeeming feature was Tyson. Everything and everyone else was simply awful.
13 Movie-Lovers May Live
I know, I know, right after dissing the movie in comparison to the books, I drop a joke from the movie. But you have to admit, this one scene was pretty cool. We had to wait until The Sea of Monsters to get some Hydra action in the books. Getting the Hydra early on was one of the highlights of the movie. Of course, the movie didn't do the Hydra scene nearly as well as The Sea of Monsters did. In the book, the Hydra fight happened in the swamp and drew its power from a chain store called Dino Donuts, which was discovered by Percy's cyclops half-brother, Tyson. Percy, Annabeth, and Tyson (who was chomping down on donuts the entire time) worked together to take out the Hydra, an event which Tyson later commemorated onto the shield that he gave Percy at the end of the book in one of the sweetest, most awesome scenes in a Rick Riordan book ever.
12 Scarring the Percabeth Children for Life
I don't know about the rest of you, but I really want Rick Riordan to write a book (even just one book) about the demigods as adults. It would be fantastic. Leo wouldn't have matured one bit and would be running his auto shop with Calypso. New Rome and Camp Half-Blood would (hopefully) be getting along and doing awesome things together. Nico would probably have mellowed out a bit and have an awesome husband (please be Will di Angelo, please be Will di Angelo!). Coach Hedge's son, Chuck, would either be ruling the natural world with an iron fist or be one of the chillest hippies of all time. And we'd have a ton of hybrid demigods from Leo/Calypso, Piper/Jason, Frank/Hazel, and of course, Percy/Annabeth. And this meme is exactly how Percy would tell his kids their origin story.
11 Leo Valdez's Last Words
Did anyone else read this and hear Leo's voice? I was picturing the whole "dam road trip" scene all over again. All seven of them, plus Nico and Reyna (because we didn't get nearly enough of their awesomeness in The Heroes of Olympus series), would be on this magic bus or ship (probably the Argo III) on their way to save the world once again. And after everyone is caught up on each others lives and have said everything that needed to be said, there'd be this silence where everyone is just chilling. But of course Leo can't stand that, so he'd start cracking jokes, and this would be the end result. And then Nico and/or Frank would murder Leo. And not a jury in the world would convict him.
10 Crappy Olympian Parenting 101
After I laughed, I actually found this one really sad. Because it's true! Percy is the one character in the original Percy Jackson Series who has the best relationship with his immortal parent and, arguably, the Heroes of Olympus series. Heck, he has the best relationship with his mortal parent in both series. Sally isn't dead, never kick him out, knows he was a demigod, and supported his questing.
Getting back to Poseidon, he's not going to win Father of the Year, ever. He's only interested in Percy because of the whole 'prophecy' thing. He wouldn't have even claimed Percy as his son in The Lightning Thief if he didn't need someone to fetch the lightning bolt and prove his innocence. But on the other hand, he did drop by the house on Percy's birthday, never compared him to Tyson, and didn't accidentally make him evil or insane. It's just sad that those instances make him one of the best Olympian parents.
9 How Did This Not Make Canon?
I'm stunned this didn't make it into the Canon. This should've happened at least once. Leo should've been farting fires all across The Lost Hero, and belching smoke for the rest of the series. This was a perfect opportunity for the cheesy, corny jokes Rick Riordan loves! Why didn't he take it? Maybe Rick decided Leo had enough problems as it is. I mean, his mother died from a combination of Gaia being a jerk and Leo's fire powers, the rest of his family kicked him out onto the street, he bounced around the not-so-nice side of foster care, he found love on a remote island only to be forced to walk away from it, and finally, the only way to get reunited with his love was to literally die and come back to life. I guess it's hard to be that cool of a person while you're farting fire.
8 Percy + Jason ?
First of all, I need to give Rick Riordan a cyber-hug. Nico was the first LGBT character I've come across in a young adult novel. Nico isn't stereotyped (he's the furthest thing from the stereotypical gay man ever). Rick is pairing him up with Will Solace (#SolangeloForever). And the entire Trials of Apollo trilogy is centered around an open bisexual character. All of this is so perfect. I love it, I love Rick, and I love Nico. Secondly, I have to agree with this joke. While I can never envision a universe where Percy and Jason are together, there are some moments in Heroes of Olympus that go a little beyond bromance (especially with Jason). Maybe we're all just reading into something we all kind of wish was there, but that's the universal impression for now.
7 Why We Love Google Translate
I did this and it was so incredibly awesome. Everybody, grab your phone and try it before continuing on!
I don't know why people have always been so worried about Percy dying. Maybe now with Trials of Apollo we can sweat a little, as he's no longer a pivotal character upon which the fate of the world rests. But in the Percy Jackson Series itself and Heroes of Olympus? He was never in any danger. And if he was, then let's be real: he would've just pulled a Leo. I have no idea how or why this trick works. I took French in high school, not ancient Greek (sadly, my satyr never showed up to whisk me away to Camp Half-Blood). It might just be a Google Translate glitch. But, if you type in "will Percy Jackson ever die" into Google Translate, copy and paste the Greek side to a new translate and switch that to English, the end result is "Percy Jackson will never die." #MindBlown
6 The Percy Jackson Tracking System
Otherwise known as the 'Top 5 Best Boyfriend Scenes in the Percy Jackson universe.'
I have to come clean here: I hate romantic subplots. I hate them with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. They're unoriginal, cliched, and a poor attempt at creating unnecessary drama in a story that's supposed to be centered on good old-fashioned monster-bashing. Every time two characters in a movie or a book start mooning over each other, I want to chuck it out the window.
With very few exceptions. Rick Riordan's books are one of them. Primarily because he didn't drop the romance on us until Book 4 (maaaaybe Book 3), so it didn't take up too much room and he's always careful not to push it too far. Also, it's obviously funny (love triangles are another hatred of mine, but Percy's utter cluelessness in The Last Olympian is just perfect). It got a little tiring in The Heroes of Olympus, when all seven characters were in a relationship and had their own set of drama. But then Percy and Annabeth got chucked into Tartarus and so, like everyone else, all my anger got drawn to that.
5 Snickers Didn't Pay Enough For Advertising, Which Is Why This Didn't Happen:
And if the Snickers doesn't work, just throw a blue hairbrush at his face.
Luke is one of my favorite villains of all time. The reason for that is he's not a caricature. His issues and problems are only minor exaggerations of what millions of youth face every day, so we can all empathize with him. His mom has some serious mental health issues. His dad basically abandoned him (in Luke's eyes; obviously Greek Gods have to adhere to certain rules about their kids, but still...). The other Olympians only pay attention to their kids when they want something done; you know, like an errand run or another God thwarted. If the kid fails, they die, at best. If the kid succeeds, they're given little more than a pat on the head before it's back to being ignored.
So, yeah, I can see why Luke would get pissed. And I wish it had been as easy to fix as handing out a Snickers bar. But that would've been a really boring five books.
4 The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword...No, Wait...
Percy: "I beheaded Medusa with a glass orb and a pen."
Annabeth: "And your girlfriend's brain."
Gover: "And your best friend with his flying shoes."
Percy: "I defeated the Minotaur with its own horn and a pen."
Grover: "Okay, that's accurate."
Percy: "I fought Luke Castellan and his army of monsters in the Sea of Monsters armed with only a ballpoint pen."
Percy: "And my awesome girlfriend. But I dueled with the Titan Atlas with a pen."
Artemis: "For about ten seconds before I stepped in, boy."
Percy: "I fought through the Labyrinth with a mechanical spider and a pen."
Rachel: "I fended off Kronos with a hairbrush."
Percy: "Well, I saved the world at the Battle of New York with this pen."
Percy: "And a dagger. And Luke's last-minute regret. And an army of demigods..."
"Schist," said an angry voice from the grass. Hazel raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me?" "Schist! Big pile of schist!" [...] "How’d you hold them off so long?" Percy asked. Hazel pointed to the rock. "A big pile of schist." "Excuse me?" [...] "Percy, no light! Put away your sword!" "Schist!" He touched the sword tip, and Riptide shrank back into a pen. --Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
Gods dam it, Hazel, watch your mouth! (yup, I can't stop).
I'm both relieved and disappointed that Leo wasn't around when this happened. Can you imagine the jokes? Hazel does something cool, Leo says, "Dam, girl! You the schist!" (Fourth time. Hehe.) Someone says a lie, Leo calls them out with a, "Bull-schist." A monster blows a hole in the Argo II, Leo swears with a "Aw, schist!" Seriously, That would've been the schist.
2 Apollo's Astronomy Lesson
He's got you in a bind there, Artemis. Although she should've said, "You're so full of schist." She's a goddess who turns creepers into rabbits. She can swear if she wants to. Although to be fair to Apollo, he is learning that the world does not, in fact, revolve around him with The Trials of Apollo. I'm not expecting any miracles, though. And in fact, I hope none ever happen. I like flawed heroes, and they don't come much more flawed than Apollo. Narcissistic, self-delusional, heartbroken, arrogant, and childlike. I don't think he deserves to be cast out of Olympus and thrown in a dumpster (my rant about Zeus can be saved for another time), but he's not exactly the stuff knights in shining armor are made out of. He's not prepared to save the world at all. So I'm going to have to agree with Artemis here. Apollo is pretty obnoxious and full of schist.
1 The Sure-Fire Way for PJO Fans to Get Laid
I stared at this post for a full five minutes after laughing my ass off, trying to come up with something clever and witty to write in this section. I can't. I just can't. There is nothing I can say that could possibly amplify the sheer awesomeness and stupidity of this joke. Maybe the bad grammar? But I didn't exactly pull this from Harvard.
I will say this, though: I loath bad pickup lines. Even more than I loath romantic subplots. They're unoriginal and gross. If you want to impress someone you're interested in, but more thought into what you say to them instead of dropping the crappy "What's your sign?" But if anyone ever drops one of these pickup lines on me, I will jump that person's bones like no one's business. Because that is a dedicated Percy Jackson fan. And bad Percy Jackson jokes are the gods-dam schist.