Look, we like runners. People who enjoy training for marathons or make sure to always get in a morning run are pretty damn awesome in our book. But that doesn’t mean that we’re likely to join them anytime soon. While we admire the runner’s dedication (and yeah, their physique is hot AF), we just can’t seem to make ourselves join them on the track at the crack of freakin’ dawn.
We are the non-runners of the world. Our runner friends sometimes have trouble relating to us, just as we have trouble relating to them. We still manage to maintain friendships with runners despite our major differences, though. That’s the beauty of the world. Anyway, those of us who don’t get up before the sun rises to run five to 10 miles every morning will appreciate these 15 hilarious memes. Because being a non-runner is okay, too.
15 Running for more than two minutes is torture
Every non-runner has attempted to become a runner at some point in their lives. We just get so excited by our runner friends’ excitement over their gains as runners. And we definitely want to be able to survive a zombie apocalypse. When we get inspired to become runners like our dear runner friends, we quickly learn that getting out the door is much more difficult than we realized. Maybe we at least make it to the sidewalk before we turn back in non-runner shame. We’re totally out of breath. Our faces are red from exertion. So, we console ourselves with the knowledge that we tried! We got a two-minute run in! WHOO HOO! Maybe we can go for three or four minutes the next time we attempt to become runners!
14 Your answer for why you can't do anything is that you can't run that far
The Dilbert comic strips speak to our very souls! While we know that a 401K plan actually refers to a retirement savings option, we can totally relate to the sentiment of just not being able to run very far. Our runner friends spend a lot of their time preparing for or running in races that have K in their name. Americans typically measure distance in terms of miles, but we decided to use kilometers when talking about some race distances. No idea why. So, a 5K (five kilometer) race is really only about three miles. That should be so easy, right? Nope. You can’t just roll out of bed and run a 5K. And whenever we hear a K when referring to some race our runner friends are running, we just sink deeper into ourselves because we still can’t run for any certain distance.
13 And those times you attempt to be a runner and take it to the track
Again, we try to keep up with our very fit runner friends. But maybe we bit off more than we can chew that time we attempted to run an entire track. We ended up on the ground from pure exhaustion long before we made it around the track one full time. Non-runners can relate to the burning lungs and uncontrollable panting after we attempt a run around the track. We tried to go too hard too fast, and we just ended up lying in the dirt and questioning our existence. Meanwhile, our runner friends have already gone around the track three or four times. It’s okay. Time to get back up, dust off, grab some water and just walk around the track. Or hobble. Getting runner-ready takes some time.
12 When your runner friends just can't convince you to run....
Our runner friends are always trying to convince us to take up running. We can see how much running has improved their lives. They can eat almost as much as they want and barely gain anything, while we eat one (or 12) doughnuts and have to buy an all-new wardrobe when we go up a size. And there’s the fact that our runner friends could outrun zombies. Being able to run fast and for a long time can increase your chance of survival in apocalyptic situations. We want to say yes when our friends invite us to their morning runs, but the thought of feeling like death right after isn’t very appealing. We might actually become the zombies (minus the desire to eat brains). So, sorry, nope, you just can’t convince us to really start running with you.
11 When you put on some running shoes to fit in and find out it doesn't make you into a runner
You buy some cool running shoes. Then you walk around and wear these running shoes with glowing pride. Runners compliment you on your cool running shoes, and you’re like, “Yeah, I totally fit in with my runner friends now.” WRONG! While the right running shoes make a huge difference when running, the shoes themselves do not a runner make. Good running shoes can provide necessary support and cushion to protect your knees and ankles from the impact of running, but the shoes will not magically turn you into a marathon champion. Still, we enjoy wearing cool running shoes. They make us feel good. They look great on our feet. But we still can’t just do it. Bummer. At least we have nice shoes that are the envy of all our runner friends.
10 When running for your life would mean you wouldn't survive
Being able to run away can save your life. Think of how many species have survived the centuries because of their ability to run away from danger. Running is a great survival technique. But if we had to run away to save our lives, we would be in big trouble. Look, we can’t even make it up a flight of stairs without needing to stop and catch our breath. What are we going to do when the zombie hordes come for our brains? That’s right. Maybe we will find our inner runner at that point, but it’s unlikely. The ability to run long distances without getting tired quickly takes some dedication and practice. We have not prepared for this at all. As non-runners, we struggle to run across the street when some car decides to speed up.
9 And sometimes you annoy your runner friends
Our runner friends love us, but sometimes we annoy the hell out of them. We ask stupid questions about their races and marathons. We make comments about the amount of food they consume. We just don’t understand what it means to be a runner or to train for a marathon. Racing isn’t our life. We’re lucky that we’re able to run to the restroom in time. Anything that involves running happens to be too much for us non-runners.
You want us to run from this building to our cars parked all the way across the street? Ha, that’s funny, amirite? Exactly. So, we will continue to annoy our runner friends until that future in which we finally become runners. Tell us about your training session for the upcoming marathon one more time. We’ll find some new way to be annoying.
8 When runners ask how many miles you've run today
Maybe you have a bunch of friends who are runners. Or perhaps you tend to always meet people who enjoy running. Those people will talk about their running distances the same way other people talk about the weather. It’s very natural to them to discuss their running distance with other people. Then someone poses the question to you: “How many miles did you run today?” You might get in a little nervous laugh before you sheepishly tell them that you ran zero miles today. An awkward silence ensues, so you have to quickly make up for it. Time to get out your health app and tell them how many steps you’ve taken today. If that number is also low, maybe just mumble something about needing water and get the hell out of dodge.
7 Because you only buy running workout clothes to get motivated and then not run
Workout clothes have gotten trendy in the past couple of years. You can find all kinds of cute workout ensembles from your favorite stores, and people still assume you’ve just come from the gym or are on the way to exercise whenever you wear some workout gear. So, you might buy some sleek running outfits because they look so adorable and make your curves look really good. And you have every intention of hitting the track for a run (okay, fast walk) as soon as you can. Showing off your cute workout wardrobe is a worthy goal. It doesn’t always lead to actually working out, though. Maybe all you do is put on some running capris and a racerback top to get all of your errands done. It’s called “running errands” though, so it should still count….
6 And how you look after just one attempt to keep up with your runner friends
We look so cute and put-together when we get ready for the gym. Even those of us who don’t put on makeup to go to the gym or still have our makeup on from having been at work will tend to look nicer when they go into the gym than when they finish their workout. That running outfit and perky ponytail just looks so adorable in the beginning. But then we attempt to get a little bit of a running workout for a few minutes. Maybe we even last a full 15 minutes before we have to stop. By this time, we’re covered in sweat and our ponytails droop. If we had any makeup on, it’s a nasty mess all over our faces. Our post-workout look is totally the opposite of our selfie-approved pre-workout look.
5 Running qualifies as cardio, so we just can't do it
Running is a really great cardio workout. For non-runners, running qualifies as torture, though. We don’t like the burn. We can’t take the heat. And gawd forbid we feel any pain from moving our bodies around at a speed faster than we can walk. We just don’t do cardio, mmmkay? Yes, we know that cardio exercise is really good for our bodies. Whether a brisk power walk on our lunch breaks or playing a game of volleyball at the beach, getting in some cardio can reduce stress, aid weight loss and make the heart and lungs stronger. And running happens to be a very popular form of cardio exercise. Even so, we didn’t sign up for any cardio. Let us enjoy our nice, leisurely walks in the park. Just wave to us every time you run past us.
4 We don't run because we might spill our wine
Holding onto our glass of wine is much more important than getting in a run. We can’t risk spilling our wine, now can we? Of course not. Even non-runners lead very busy lives and have so many things on our minds. We just want to kick back and enjoy our glass (ahem, bottle!) of wine every night after dealing with the stresses of work and relationships. Getting us to put down our wine glass to go on a run might be next to impossible. This wine glass is glued to our hands! And we intend to drink all of it! Sure, runners drink wine as well. You can totally be a runner and drink a glass of wine. But you can’t run AND drink wine at the same time. We non-runners choose to make wine our focus.
3 Our first minute vs. our second minute running
Non-runners will attempt to become runners several times throughout their lives. That’s about as dedicated to running as we non-runners often get. So, we research the best techniques for running and buy the right types of shoes. We have everything planned. And we start out on our run. Everything just seems so great. We tell ourselves that we can totally do this. Yeah, we’re real runners now! That’s how it works, right? Unfortunately, no, it doesn’t. The next minute into our run and we’re on the ground in terrible pain. This running thing just isn’t going to work out for us. Everything started off so great. We were on the top of our game until being out of shape got the better of us and had us rolling on the ground in agony.
2 We figured out a surefire way not to avoid runner's injuries
Running can cause all sorts of injuries. You can damage your knees, get shin splints, twist an ankle and so much more. Non-runners have figured out to avoid most of these injuries by avoiding running altogether. Avoidance can be a great technique when you don’t want something to happen. For non-runners, it works out to be a brilliant plan. You can’t get shin splints when you don’t run! You’re less likely to twist an ankle when you walk at a normal pace than when you kick up your heels and race across uneven ground. This is how non-runners avoid the whole list of injuries that runners can acquire from all their running. We’re also really clumsy, and running exacerbates that trait too much. Not running just keeps us safer.
1 Might be allergic to running
The symptoms listed in this meme are perfectly normal, but we will ignore that fact for a moment. Exercise, which includes running, will indeed raise your heart rate and make you sweaty and short of breath. But citing a flushed face and racing heart as an excuse to not exercise can work, too! Running is an intense form of exercise that really challenges the body, especially in the beginning. You have to keep at it and pace yourself to increase your level of fitness as a runner. That usually results in some amount of pain. And unless you really, really want to become a runner, the growing pains associated with becoming a runner can be way too much. We might be non-runners forever because we're practically allergic to it. Guess we’ll have to accept that.