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15 Hilarious Replies To Idiotic Facebook Statuses

Ah, Facebook—the place where we can publicly share our love (or hate) for people, ask questions about things that we're too lazy to look up ourselves and make a complete fool of ourselves. After reading these 15 statuses, we're almost positive that we want to deactivate our Facebook accounts. We feel like we lost a few brain cells while reading each status and that's honestly not a good feeling. But hey, we don't really give a "truck" anymore! Read these ridiculous statuses when times are hard; we promise it'll help.

15 Thirsty AF

Via: boredpanda.com

It gets pretty annoying when you see Facebook statuses saying, "I'm all alone" or "I need someone to love," but don't start bashing people for posting said statuses when you, yourself, wrote one. Yikes. It looks like you shouldn't speak about things like this anymore, Miranda. Just last Sunday, you posted how everyone has someone to love, but you. What happened in a few days? Did a "thirsty" boy see your status and pick you up on messenger? Now, you're too cool for everyone else and you wish people would STFU about being lonely?

We're afraid that it doesn't work that way. You shouldn't be a hypocrite and if you are one, you shouldn't publicly broadcast it. Keep your mouth shut and leave everyone alone. Focus on your new relationship before it ends and you go back to being "thirsty."

14 WTF is salmonella?

Via: boredpanda.com

First of all, why on earth would you eat a raw chicken breast for $20? Were you high when you did this, Alexander? Obviously, risking your life like that deserves more than $20. Second of all, you don't need to eat salmon to get salmonella. What are they teaching these kids these days? This is a basic fact that their parents should have taught them or they should have heard about on the news, at least. We honestly don't know what we'd do if Alexander was our son. We'd probably rush him to the ER and then, take him to be evaluated. There's obviously something wrong in that noggin of his.

We love how Cale is so nonchalant about this, too. He didn't ask if Alexander was feeling okay. He went right into "you're gonna die, dude." What a great friend Cale is. At least he knows what salmonella is, right?

13 Once it's out, it can't go back in

Via: pinterest.com

It's super hard when you realize that someone is no longer in love with you. You start to question your motives. You start to wonder where things went wrong. You start to wonder if you'll ever stop loving them, too. Chances are, you'll forget about them in a year or so. On the off-chance that you don't forget about them or lose feelings for them, remember this: putting toothpaste back into the container, after squeezing it out, is much harder to deal with. Think about it! When you accidentally put too much toothpaste on your toothbrush, you can't just bottle it back up!

You can, however, bottle up your feelings for the person that you're missing. Toothpaste is a whole other can of worms, though. Fourteen people agree with that statement, too. Guess that makes the original poster's argument invalid.

12 Bad doctor...

Via: pinterest.com

Yikes! Looks like you're not only losing your patients, but you'll be losing your medical license after this mistake! Thankfully, you meant patience, though. We're pretty sure that if you were working in the medical field, your superiors would have lost their patience with you and fired you. There's no time for error when working with patients—spelling or not. They're looking to you for help. You're in charge of keeping them alive, after all. If you were to lose them in one day? You'd be in jail. This is why people shouldn't turn autocorrect off. Autocorrect won't let you post something like this. It'll automatically recognize when you sound like a dumb*ss and fix your error. Thankfully, we've got funny people in the world who write quirky things like "bad doctor" when someone makes a spelling error like this.

11 What in the world is a "d"?

Via: pinterest.com

Whew, who knew that the letter "d" was also known as a backward b? Stephen, are you okay? Because, you actually used the letter "d" in your sentence when you wrote "did." Do you see it now?

Also, why is Stephen questioning whether or not he's listening to a good song? Is it good? is it bad? What kind of song was it? And why is Jeff questioning his song of choice, too? Ugh, this is probably why a lot of people hate using Facebook. No one knows what they're talking about and when they do, they don't even know if it's a good thing! Then, you have people like Stephen who don't know what a "d" is. We're seriously thinking about deleting our Facebook accounts after looking at this. We don't want to surround ourselves with people like this. We're losing brain cells!

10 Is Leo dead, though?

Via: pleated-jeans.com

Wow, really? Not only does this status hurt our brain, but the fact that Angelica commented on it and questioned her own comment makes us scratch our heads in bewilderment. The story behind the Titanic is real, the movie isn't. Come on, people. There's a thing called Google where you can type in all the silly little questions in your head without broadcasting them to the world. You'll save yourself the embarrassment that you'd get when you post things like this. Or, you'll get people like Angelica who are almost positive that they're right, but aren't quite sure and don't want to sound dumb. We really wish people would think about these things before openly posting them to Facebook.

9 My friends are idiots

Via: pleated-jeans.com

Good lord, your friends sound incredibly dumb. But, did you know that you're supposedly just like the five closest people in your life? If they're all this dumb, we can only imagine what your IQ is. We love how Joe asked if you ever found it. Obviously, it was never lost, Joe. Thank goodness Jackie isn't having it. Telling you that you need a life is honestly one of the truest statements we've seen. If you're so bored that you're pulling these stupid jokes on your friends, you need more than a life. You need a job, a significant other or a pet. And you need smarter friends, that's for damn sure.

We love how Joshua wrote that he'd comment back, but he lost his Facebook, too. We wonder how many people fell for that one. We wouldn't be surprised if everyone did (seeing as almost all of Dom's friends are gullible)

8 I don't give a flying truck about you people

Via: pleated-jeans.com

Ahh, it feels great to not give a flying 'truck' about anyone, doesn't it? We could 'car' less if they drive into a ditch or not, because you know what? Life's good when you just don't car. It's as simple as that! Thanks to Jd, we've got a new life slogan. Is there a printing company that would print this on a T-shirt? If so, start making these shirts! They'll be a hit! You could probably even print this slogan on mugs, bumper stickers and hoodies! Give a few to your favorite mechanic and they'll be happy for days.

It's amazing what a simple spelling mistake can do. It can turn your feelings into a car. It can make you not give two trucks. It can make you feel on top of the world! Thank you, Jd and Rob. You two should seriously go into the slogan business together.

7 Bye bye, Target!

Via: snopes.com

HA! Go Target! If you're going to threaten Target, make sure that it's something they actually care about. We don't think that they care about losing your business, Debbie. Also, the fact that you responded "Wow, really?" makes us think that you were actually looking for drama! Who does that? Obviously, Target's 'Ask for Help' department doesn't give a damn whether you stay or go. Probably because you didn't even write what happened while you were at Target. All you wrote was "And I used to love shopping at Target. Bye bye." Obviously, there's nothing to solve—or to say, in this instance.

Debbie, listen. No one has time for your empty threats. No one cares whether or not you continue to shop at Target. If you have a bone to pick with them, why not go into the store and speak to someone, rather than posting something like this on their Facebook page?

6 What's a map??

Via: thefw.com

Remember hearing about the hardships that our grandparents went through? They had to use something called a "map" when they needed to get from place to place. Not the kind of map that you can just pull up on your phone, either—an actual paper map! Have you ever seen one? We highly doubt this person has. Honestly, who hasn't used a map at least once in their life? When you go to theme parks, you get a map to get a look at the entire park. While this isn't anything like a map used to navigate you from city to city, it's still a map.

It's quite astonishing to see this status. We never thought we'd see the day when someone didn't know what a map was. Sure, our younger siblings would never use a map, but they certainly know what a map is. Curse you, Google Maps! Thanks to you, people are getting dumber and dumber by the minute!

5 Peace out, America!

Via: twentytwowords.com

It's always amazing when you move to a new place. Whether it's only a town over, a state away or even out of the country, it fills you with a feeling that you've never quite had before: the chance to start a new beginning. However, if you're planning on moving away from your family and friends, it might be a good idea to have a good head on your shoulders. After all, you don't want to be caught acting like a fool (or acting as if you don't know anything) around new people. That is, unless you want to be considered the "dumb friend." But, we're guessing you probably don't want to be that person, yeah?

If you honestly don't know that New York is literally in America, there's something very wrong with you. Either you didn't pay attention to your geography lessons or you just weren't taught anything about the country you live in. Whatever the reason is, you probably feel like a total loser and, in all honesty, you should.

4 No I in happyness!

Via: twentytwowords.com

For the love of...is this real?! First of all, does this person think that there really is no "I" in happiness? Were they raised to think that happiness was spelled with a "Y"? Come on! This is just embarrassing. We honestly hope that this person was joking when they were typing this status. That's like saying "There's no me in "team," so you have to do all of the work." How ridiculous can people be? It's not that hard to go to school, write down the notes, study and pass with flying colors. There's more to life than looking cool and not learning!

We feel so sorry for this person's friends list. At least there are people like Jake in this world, who aren't afraid to correct others when they clearly have no idea what they're talking about. Ten points for you, Jake.

3 Need longer weekends

Via: twentytwowords.com

HA. Calen, you seriously took the words from our mouth. We get that people love to abbreviate things (such as "idk," "idc" or even "l8r"), but to abbreviate everything? That's just annoying. In this fine example, you've got a girl named Emily who just wants her weekends to be longer. However, she misspelled weekends and instead wrote "wknds." When Calen saw that Emily wanted her "wknds" to be longer, he decided it was time for her to get what she wanted...literally. He proceeded to make her "wknds" longer, by adding just a few extra letters!

Poor Emily had no idea what Calen was even talking about, however. What a shame. It seems like Calen's comment will never be understood. Unless, of course, you have a brain and understand what Calen was trying to say. Which is: learn how to spell before you complain.

2 Wake up, eat poop

Via: twentytwowords.com

Ugh, gross man! Did anyone else read this status as "Wake up and eat poop?" Commas, people! This person definitely needs to listen to their friend, Iris, from now on. Who on earth wants to read a status about waking up and eating poop? Unless, you know, you're into crap...literally (which is still totally disgusting). Doing this one day would be torture, but this status clearly states that this will be his life for the next four days.

Gosh, we hope you know a good doctor. You'll need one by day three, we bet. Jokes aside, it's really unfortunate that people still don't know how to use commas. What did you learn in school? Did you spend your whole day making spitballs and pissing your teachers off? Or, did you just eat your own crap while in school, too? Either way, you need to go back to school!

1 I said please...

Via: zarias.com

Ouch...someone's angry. While she probably could have solved her problems in a much nicer way (and left them off of Facebook entirely), we've got to give her props for saying "please." After all, our elders always tell us to say "please" and "thank you" (along with "I'm sorry" and "you're welcome"). Not many people would ask someone nicely to burn in a fire, you know? It's the thought that counts here, right? Erm...probably not. It's a darn good thing Ashley was smart enough to not tag whoever she was talking about in this post, otherwise, she could have gotten in a boatload of trouble (lawsuits, principal's office, talking to parents of said victim...). Yikes.

Good thing we have people like John, who aren't afraid to tell Ashley that she's not being very nice. We don't really think it got anywhere, nor do we think Ashley really cared about what John had to say. We'd like to say that the lesson here is to use your manners, but we're pretty sure that's not right.

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