Did you ever wonder what your dog would say if it was him, instead of your friend Jeff or your annoying sister, who was constantly texting you all day? Would your dog send you pics of his empty bowl? Fall victim to fat-finger syndrome? Lots of texts have become popular internet memes over the years, but dog owner October Jones (who is actually an English animator, Joe Butcher) has really made some for the record books. When he realized he could actually send text messages to himself, the children’s game designer and cartoonist began to create imaginary texts back and forth between himself and his dog, Cooper. Coop’s name is perfect because it makes us think of a Mini Cooper, which he resembles, except in dog form: short, squat, bullish and stout. Which works, because he’s a bulldog. From the inspired “let’s get fat” to Dog’s abiding love for Batman, here are 15 perfect exchanges between Jones and “Dog” that make us completely say, “Same!”
15. The Color Bacon
I don’t get the problem here; I mean, I can see that bacon is NOT an option, but IT SHOULD BE. As Dog once was quoted in an interview with The Guardian, everything should taste like breakfast meat: “I want more bacon flavour technology. iPads that smell like sausages. Write that down.” The reason this text from Dog is so relatable is that…well, we totally agree! In this case, Dog speaks for us all. Unless we’re vegetarian, I guess. In which case, a whole new world of paint and decor opens up to us in colors like sage, grass green and beet red. Wait, dogs eat grass. Hmm. This logic doesn’t quite seem to click, so let’s rule out vegetarianism and stick to bacon paint swatches. And some more on the subject of food…
14. We Heard Crisps
Speaking of food, it’s totally Dog’s fave subject, which is, again, super relatable. So, you know, you hear someone open a bag of potato chips and what do you do? Hel-LOO, you’re, like, right THERE: pass the chips! But you have human hearing, which is, compared to dog hearing, really pretty crappy. Imagine if you had dog ears.
Um, ok, scratch that. You don’t look good with dog ears.
But if you DID, you’d be hearing dozens of people within a square mile opening chip bags! Imagine the horror! Poor Dog–he can be downstairs and knows without a doubt that October, his hapless owner, is eating yummy chips and LYING TO HIM ABOUT IT. We totally forgive Dog for heading upstairs to guilt-trip his owner into feeding him. So how does Dog feel about his waistline…?
13. Let’s Get Fat
More food-related texts from Dog! Don’t worry, we’ve got a few about weeing and superheros coming up. But this may be the most honest of Dog’s texts. It’s about how he feels about being FAT! The verdict: fat sounds awesome. Let’s do it! Everyone’s always putting their dog on a diet, giving him skinny healthy kibble that, we can only assume, tastes like cardboard. Of course, we don’t know if it does, because only supremely weird people actually taste their dog’s food. But you sure as hell aren’t gonna sample it if it’s DIET dog food. You know what DIETS contain? The word DIE. Screw that. Let’s get fat.
12. Tweaker Dogg
This text is worrisome. Dog, we may need to stage an intervention. This conversation may be a cry for help. It seems like you’re on some sort of unhealthy stimulant drug, Dog. Do you know what your brains look like on drugs, Dog? They look like a scrambled egg. Plus, you’re a bulldog, so you’ve got a shortened snout which means you breathe funny and have trouble getting enough air, and we get your heart rate all jacked up on Red Bull and I may have to speed-dial the doggy emergency ambulance on your fat little addict ass. PUT THE MICROWAVE DOWN. You are totally ganked out, Dog. I get that you’re totally tweaking but you cannot go messing with the appliances. The first step is admitting you have a problem, Dog.
11. Bite My Shiny Ass
This could be read several ways. I’m unclear on whether Dog finds a Lycra/Spandex-covered ass APPEALING, or ANNOYING. Either way, he wants to bite it. I can’t blame him; every time I see someone zooming past covered top to toe in skintight logos and sponsor messages, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. I guess it’s, like, a lifestyle thing or something, but I just think it looks stupid. My guess is that Dog agrees with my estimate of Lycra shorts on bicycling men. Please, sir, do not show me that. I have not elected to see it, and wrapping it in brightly colored fabric pasted to your body does not make it any less an affront to my virgin eyeballs, which are now bleeding after seeing the outline of your nutsack speeding past at 22 miles per hour.
10. The Cone Of Shame
You got it. It’s the dreaded Cone Of Shame. NO pet likes this thing. When you tell your pet you’re goin’ to the doctor, does your pet scamper around happily, rejoicing at the news? NO. No he does not. He is NOT thrilled. Here, Dog has come out of a scrap with squirrels the worse for wear, and he has to wear this Elizabethan collar thingy to keep him from chewing at his wounds and stitches. (Wow, Cooper, the squirrels won that round? Seriously? You’re a little wuss, Dog.) But we feel his pain: nobody enjoys looking like one of those poseable desk lamps, do they? Nope. Nor do they enjoy getting TV reception on their neckwear. We’ve seen soft fabric ones, though, which seem kinder. But maybe the don’t have those in England.
9. Don’t Hold That In
Celebrities. Always yelling (barking?) at their assistants for not doing enough to keep them in the public eye. “Have you updated my Twitter for today? How many gifs of me are out there? What’s my social reach, damn you?!” And what do those celebs do? Sit around all day and contemplate their navels, I’m sure. Dog is no different. Just look at this ridiculous exchange! What a vicious taskmaster he is. His owner must have to work his fingers to the bone to keep up with the mad, whirlwind pace of Dog’s merry-go-round existence. Jones’s fingers must BLEED from documenting the daily doings of this critical canine! Clearly Dog is not one of those animals from “The Secret Life of Pets” who get up to all sorts of stuff while his owner is away…it seems he’s more of a zen practitioner.
8. That Guy Is A Wanker
There ya go, Dog! Here’s a life lesson we all would do well to learn: when confronted by a crappy situation, the best policy is always to blame the other guy. It’s worked for embattled presidents, criminals and six-year-old boys: it will surely work for you, too! On top of learning absolutely nothing from our mistakes, this helps us by training us to analyze the behavior of other people and nitpick them, which as I’m sure you, dear reader, have learned, is everybody’s favorite thing. Poor dog. He lost his bone and it’s all the other guy’s fault! What a douchebag. Wait, Dog, you were trying to steal the OTHER dog’s bone? While you still had yours in your slobbery mouth? Hmm. There’s a logic error here.
7. Everybody hit the ground! I’m taking a piss
Dog, I relate. I am not a graceful woman. Once I tried to execute a delighted leap off the stairs in front of my apartment building while my friends were with me and I ended up eating it right there on the sidewalk in front of everyone. That would be forgivable except it happens all the damn time. So I get it when you try to couch your spaz-ness with this so-called “combat roll.” I can only wish I was that clever, to feign PTSD. It might have gotten me out of an embarrassing situation where I attempted to wobble to my feet and laugh something about “Who put that No Parking sign there?!” I keep hoping people will think I’m just doing some parkour, but unfortunately, I won’t be leaping from rooftops any time soon.
6. No Fat Gandalfs
So I guess Dog liked the Lord Of The Rings movies. What respectable dog WOULDN’T love an intense fantasy trilogy featuring little people and sexy elves? Irresistible cinematic masterpiece though it may be, however, Dog’s love only goes so far as sausages. Once sausages enter the picture, he changes his tune. I know…I’m the SAME. WAY. I totally identify, Dog! Forget not passing Go: toss a sausage and I am OFF chasing it down no matter WHAT just got auto-populated to my Netflix queue. So while neither I nor Dog make a great Gandalf, doing a s**t job of protecting the home turf from weenie-wielding invaders, we still have good intentions, great taste in film and television entertainment…and mad rhyming skillz.
5. DID YOU LICK THIS
This text from Dog is totally relatable because what pet owner hasn’t enjoyed the dubious honor of chowing down on some food item that has already been in their pet’s mouth? What I don’t get are those pet parents who find it adorable to allow their own mouth to come in contact with doggie mouth on the regular. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT PINK TONGUE HAS BEEN WIGGLING?! What disgusting oddities of Nature’s Kingdom it’s been exploring?! And you’re cool with letting him lick your open mouth? I get that some dogs are lickers and will go for the face with a quickness…but, well, that’s gross. I elect to adopt pups that keep their tongues in their own faces, and I’m sticking to that track record.
4. Don’t Stroke
Poor Dog! He’s been one-upped by a hottie on the train. This text exchange is totally for real because what pet owner hasn’t wanted to snuggle other adorable fur-kids, only to get shot down by a jealous puppy or pissed-off kitty? Animals get JELLY. Bitterness is not attractive, Dog! Besides, this is by all standards an objectively lovely dog. Regal, thoughtful, soft ears, looks concerned., nice red collar…can’t you get on board with this, Dog? Wouldn’t you like to have a little friend? No? Oh c’mon. Just…can we have one stroke? One little stroke? It doesn’t change anything about how much we love you, and in the end you’re the one we’re happy to come home to every day so we can walk you around the block to take a dump.
3. We’ve Got An Appointment
I get it…this happens to me all the time. I’m all like, “I wanna do something!” and then when the time to do that something rolls around I’m like, “Naaaaah.” Because if I do not become flat in this very instant, something horrible might happen–I have to stabilize reality and remain stuck to this couch, or god knows WHAT disaster could befall us all. Besides, there’s the ever-compelling “Netflix and chill” thing, and I have to do it, I have to hit it HARD, like I really mean it. If me and Dog got together to do nothing in one another’s company, nothing could stop our inertia! We could own the world with our absolute lack of initiative! Because I hate to get all philosophical and stuff on ya, but NOTHING is actually some very serious SOMETHING to be done.
2. But What About Dyson
This is awesome. Who hasn’t seen a dog freak out when their owner busts out the vacuum? Our pal here has just confirmed it is a vast conspiracy! Apparently dogs join the innumerable legions of humans who think housework is BS, and have arranged to create the impression that they are ARF-FRAID of it (see what I did there?)…so they never have to lend a helping paw. We don’t know what kind of punishment Dog may face from the doggie No-Chore Cabal, for leaking this potent secret. We can only hope that our informant takes it bravely. (Doubtful, given the squirrel ass-kicking we noted him receiving earlier.) You can almost see the astonishment, too, on his owner’s face as he realizes this whole time he’s been tricked into doing all the chores by himself.
1. Signal the Batdog
Sigh…everyone thinks they’re destined to star in the movie of their own life, right? Totally get it. Our pal Dog has a little bit of an obsession with Batman, calling himself Batdog, dressing up in the shower curtain (pulled down off the rod while his owner is away at work for the day, natch) as a cape, leaping off the neighbor’s trampoline–at least that’s what he SAID he did–and dude, I can relate. Personally, I groove better with Harley Quinn, because I’m…uh, in therapy…but really, who wouldn’t want to run around in the dark of night and defeat evil?! Especially if you’re a dog, because then you have four legs instead of two and giant canine teeth, which I think would make you a superior crime-fighter. If I had a Batdog, I’d come home from work and give him a Bat-cookie every time I walked in the door. That’s a good boy!
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