All of our friends seem to love Valentine's Day because they're in perfect relationships with their supposed soulmates, but since the only meaningful relationship in our lives is the one we share with the pint of cookie dough ice cream in our freezer, we absolutely hate Hallmark's favorite holiday. While everyone else is busy going on romantic dates and receiving adorable gifts on February 14, we're busy laying in bed snuggled up with the heart-shaped box of chocolates we bought for ourselves!
We've grown to accept the fact that we're forever alone, but luckily, Twitter seems to be filled with similarly lonely (and comically bitter) individuals who share our disdain for Saint Valentine. We relate to every one of these hilarious anti-Valentine's Day tweets, and if you don't have any dating prospects right now, we're sure you'll feel the same way!
15 Forget the flowers and chocolates
Most girls spend the rest of the year trying to find that special someone who will be thoughtful enough to buy them chocolates or roses on Valentine's Day, but that's not us. All we want is a significant other who knows us well enough to give us something we really want on February 14—a heart-shaped container filled with Chick-fil-A chicken nuggets. Sure, that's not exactly a festive or conventional gift, but flowers are just going to die in a few days and we're trying to cut back on candy. Chicken nuggets provide us with protein, we're down to devour them all in one sitting, and they're absolutely delicious. If we can't find someone to buy us this, we won't even be ashamed to pick up a tray for ourselves.
14 Slight clarification
If you're unable to find a special someone this month, Patrick here has come up with a clever loophole that allows you to pretend you're not super lonely and unloved on social media. He bragged on Twitter about how his Valentine brought him a gift, and technically, his statement was completely factual. Someone came to his house and gave him something special and personalized on Valentine's Day. The person just happened to be a pizza delivery guy, and the present happened to be the pizza Patrick ordered and paid for himself. Some may call this loophole sad or pathetic, but we think it's pure genius. We're probably going to do the same thing... but we won't reveal the truth when we brag to our friends about our "Valentine" bringing us a "gift."
13 Making a scene
If you don't want to spend Valentine's Day by yourself sobbing into a bowl of popcorn as you watch a rom-com that reminds you how hopelessly single you are, this hilarious Twitter user has an idea on how you should spend the holiday. Run into every restaurant in town, shout "Knew I'd find you here! You b*stard" at a random couple, then just run out before they're able to respond. The couple will start fighting about potential infidelity, and everyone in the restaurant will spend the evening staring at the poor, innocent duo you yelled at. We don't typically enjoy making a scene like this in public, but we're bitter enough towards all the happy couples of the world right now to cause a little chaos this V-Day.
12 Anna always speaks the truth
As if we didn't already love Anna Kendrick enough for her roles in the Twilight and Pitch Perfect films, the hilarious stuff she posts on her official Twitter account certainly cements her status as our favorite actress of all time. She just always keeps it real and seems to think the exact same way we do, and her tweet about V-Day is 100 percent accurate. President's Day has never really been about celebrating our nation's leaders, we just need an extra day off the weekend after Valentine's Day because that holiday is complete garbage. More than 17,000 people liked Anna's tweet, so we're pretty sure we're not alone in agreeing with her on this one. Thanks, President's Day, for giving us the break we need.
11 Every day is awful
We know what our friends are really up to when they fill our Facebook minifeeds with sappy statuses about how much they love their boyfriends and overly-adorable couple selfies. They're not just trying to show pride in their perfect relationships... they're trying to rub us single people's faces in their happiness and make us feel bad about ourselves for not having a special someone of our own. The joke is on them, though, because we don't need to see their obnoxiously romantic posts to feel bad about ourselves on Valentine's Day. We already feel bad about ourselves every single day of the year! You might think we'd be embarrassed relating to a tweet written by a supposed Internet Hippo... but we're just relieved that someone feels the same way we do.
10 They have it worse than we do
We spend a lot of time feeling bad about ourselves for being alone on Valentine's Day, but believe it or not, it could be worse. We could have started dating someone at the end of January, and been forced to shell out some serious cash buying presents for someone we barely know and don't love yet on February 14! Most V-Day gifts and cards are heart-shaped or outright say "I love you" on them, so it has to be super awkward to give them to someone at the start of a relationship. We have no dating prospects whatsoever, but if we did... we'd probably wait until Feb. 15 to ask them out. At least that way, if you want to buy them a Valentine's gift, all of the candy and stuffed animals are on clearance.
9 Never truly alone
We'd given up and convinced ourselves that we're all alone in the world, but Mike here has reminded us that that's not actually true. As long as you live near a lake or a pond and can afford to buy a loaf of bread, you're never truly alone. There will always be ducks to keep you company! When we were kids, we never thought we'd be the crazy loner who spends every Valentine's Day hanging out with the ducks and geese that frequent our local park, but that's just the reality we're living in now and we accept that. People can let you down and make you feel depressed and lonely, but animals are always there for you... as long as you feed them. Luckily, bread is super cheap.
8 The best Valentine's Day gift
Every guy seems to think that flowers, candy and jewelry are the only acceptable Valentine's Day gift options, but Migrant Twerker wants to let the men of the world know that it's actually super easy (and entirely free) to please the women in their lives on Feb. 14. All they have to do to blow their significant other's mind is put their damn dishes in the dishwasher for a change! Guys (particularly you, Brandon), stop saying that your dishes need to "soak" and using that as your excuse to not wash them yet—you're not fooling anyone. If you actually do your part around the house for 24 hours, that'll probably be a better Valentine's gift than anything you could pick up in a store.
7 No, we're not excited!
Most of our friends, family members and co-workers know us well enough to never ask us about our Valentine's Day plans (or lack thereof), but once in a while, someone that doesn't know how horribly single we are will ask if we're excited for the upcoming holiday. Um, are we excited to spend another day alone on our couch while the rest of the world is off hooking up, going on romantic dates, getting engaged or just having a great time with people they love and who love them back? No, we're not. We're so not excited, in fact, that it takes all of our willpower to not look like that crying face emoji every time you ask us about Valentine's Day, so please leave us alone.
6 Not that we're bitter or anything
We don't mean to be the Grinch of Valentine's Day, but any time we see a couple holding hands or kissing on Feb. 14, we are filled with a strong desire to spoil their happiness and make them as miserable and lonely as we are. That's why we totally relate to this hilariously bitter tweet—it features a bunch of totally normal couples who are doing nothing wrong but enjoying each other's company in a shopping mall dining area, but we agree that the mere sight of all of those happy twosomes is a total eyesore. Pictures like that validate our refusal to leave our homes anytime in the month of February... we don't want to eat out if we'll be surrounded by couples when we do so!
5 This is totally us
We are all James from The End of the F***ing World in this meme. The potential psychopath is offering up his "love and affection," but tragically, no one wants to receive it. We can relate to that struggle all too well—we have a lot of emotions to offer potential suitors, we just can't seem to find anyone who wants to accept what we're putting out there. Ray tweeted that this is how he's going to be on Valentine's Day, and we just want him to know that he's not alone. If we muster up the confidence to tell our crushes how we really feel about them, we're sure they'll shut us down too and we'll spend the holiday solo and regretting all of our life decisions.
4 "Valentine's Dae"
We've got a lot of pet peeves when it comes to people who are in perfect relationships. It annoys us beyond belief when couples post about every single one of their anniversaries (come on, who needs to know about the four-month anniversary of your first text?!), we hate when they post kissing selfies and we absolute despise anyone who uses the word "bae." It's not a real word, and "baby" is short enough already that you shouldn't have to abbreviate it! We're guilty of using a few too many abbreviations in everyday conversation, but we promise we'll never say or write "bae" under any circumstances. And we don't feel bad for agreeing with Gloria and hoping everyone who uses that word has a terrible Valentine's Day.
3 Thanks, Brian
Believe it or not, we weren't always this bitter. There was once a time when we loved Valentine's Day just like everyone else. Then some dirtbag cheated on us or totally violated our trust, and ruined us for life. That's what Brian did to this poor Twitter user in high school, and now she's never going to be able to enjoy Valentine's Day—or trust men—for the rest of her life. Some may say that she should leave the past in the past and move on, but it's not that easy. Certain scars stay with you for life. At least Caprice Crane seems to have a sense of humor about it, and can find some comfort in the 172 people who sympathized enough with her struggle to 'like" her tweet.
2 Keep telling yourself that
Beckii is doing her best to convince herself and everyone around her that she's okay being single on Valentine's Day. No one else seems to want to buy her flowers, chocolates or other gifts, so she's just buying them for herself... self love, after all, is the most important love. Beckii keeps repeating that statement, but based on her emoji choices, we have to think that she doesn't really mean it. She started out with a few hearts and awkward laugh faces, but the emojis quickly get more depressing and tear-filled. She ends the tweet with "I'm so alone," so it appears spoiling herself isn't enough to ease her loneliness. We feel you on this one, Beckii. We see those transitioning emoji faces in the mirror every day throughout the month of February.
1 The holiday we really care about
All of our friends on social media seem to care a lot about this Feb. 14, but like LucyLu here, we think they seriously need to sort out their priorities. The only holiday that matters this month takes place the day before Valentine's Day—Pancake Day! Shrove Tuesday, otherwise known as Pancake Day, is a feasting day that takes place before the start of Lent on Ash Wednesday. This year, it happens to fall on Feb. 13. Pancakes are the meal of choice on this special day because of the significance of the breakfast treat's ingredients (eggs signify creation, flour represents the staff of life and milk symbolizes purity), but we really don't need an excuse to devour a stack of flapjacks. We'll take pancakes over Valentine's Day sweets any day!