We've done a couple of articles about Dungeons and Dragons memes and jokes here on TheThings. (See "15 Hilarious Dungeons and Dragons Memes That Will Bring Out Your Inner Geek" and "15 Even More Hilarious Dungeons and Dragons Memes.") What can we say? We're geeks. As is anyone who clicked on this post. Don't deny it. Embrace it.
But those two articles tended to be fairly PG or PG-13-rated, even with the occasional swear word. And while some of these memes stick to that rule, we're taking a decidedly R-rated turn today. We have swearing, certain, ahem, adult content acts, and a little bit of gore. Okay, more than a little bit. But hey, we said this would be inappropriate. It's in the title! So buckle up, buttercup. We're going for a ride.
15 Mama DM
All right, who skimped the treats on mama dog's dinner? 'Cause she is not happy. Or maybe it's the fact that she has a dozen puppies clawing at her nipples. That would make anyone less than pleased.
This meme is spot on, though. If the DM has one beginner in the group, no big deal. They give a few concessions until the beginner gets their bearings, and if they screw up they have the rest of the (experienced and hopefully kind) teammates to pull them out of trouble. But if the entire team is on Day One, then that DM might as well throw that rule book out the window, because the beginners aren't going to pay attention to it, and if the DM tries to enforce that thing, they're going to end up with a total party kill in three rounds. Then nobody's happy.
14 Unique Breath Weapons
Um, okay. What? Who even thinks of these things? And then goes through the effort to create it? Seriously, how long did it take to photoshop this? They even have a target getting frozen in the left corner! And the water shooting out of the kid's mouth looks so natural that you actually have to blink for a second with a wait, what? That is a disturbing level of detail.
It is an intriguing concept, though. Can you imagine the monster with this ability? "Hey, why's the dragon going over to the water founta--wait, is he shooting water up his butt? Is this a porno? Why in the world would he oh wait, breath weapon, everyone down!" "How did he do that so fast? That water had to go through the large and small intestine, both of which are over twenty feet, and then through the stomach..." "This is not the time to introduce science, wizard!"
13 Your Roll, David
The fact that Dungeons and Dragons is banned by some religious groups always makes me chuckle. Like, seriously!? There's a whole chunk of the ultra-Christians who think that D&D is actually Satanism or blood sacrifices or summoning demons... Okay, in fairness to them, we do make blood sacrifices and summon demons from time to time. But that's only so we can kill the bigger demon! And most parties try to stop the blood sacrifice rather than initiate it because they're all moral or whatever. Anyways, super-Christians seem to not like the game. And they really don't like it when we use it to make fun of an iconic Biblical story. I don't know why: it's very accurate. David had the first critical hit, and Moses had the first critical fail when he tried to use his diplomacy skills. There were fireballs raining from the sky, and he couldn't convince Pharaoh to let the slaves go? Why don't you still go to your Religion and Arcane skills, Moses. Geez.
12 How Rude
There's always that guy. They can be super friendly, they have great jokes, they're eccentric and interesting...and they don't. Shut. Up. Sometimes, you just want to strangle them. Especially when they're talking over your turn at the D&D table. The group's facing off against a big monster that's bloodied half the party, and your character has an amazing power that's going to knock the monster's socks off and win you the adoration and admiration of the rest of the party. That is, assuming your friend stops talking and passes the spotlight. Sometimes it gets bad enough to drive even the most righteous paladin insane, and that's exactly the kind of person who'd usher in an age of darkness with an unholy book made from human skin. The First Commandment: Thou Shalt Shut the F**k Up and Wait Thy Turn.
11 Proportionality, People
It's disturbing how many D&D adventures kick off with a murder, committed by either the bad guys or your own party. Now, it's understandable when that murder is of, say, a queen. By an undead dragon that teleported into the room; and brought an army of skeletons with him. While the entire party and NPCs were unarmed because it was supposed to be a diplomatic mission. And everyone freaked out and started running. Except for the party's fighter, who is insane, and a brawler, and literally took on the dragon bare-handed. And won. Moral of the story: be a brawler-style fighter.
But when that murder is of a farmer caused by a couple of goblins, and the village troops strike back, causing the goblins to bring in their giant friends to smash back, and the conflict draws the attention of an evil wizard who wants an opportunity to get the magic gem (or whatever) from under the village for however many centuries, and a ten-year war breaks out...yeah, that's a little ridiculous.
10 The Most Easily Distracted Member Of The Party
Thieves are weird, okay? They just are. A trinket can be near worthless, surrounded by guards and scary monsters, and they'll risk life and limb to get it. For reasons. But if they have to take the same risk to save a person/village/world, they usually have to be bribed or dragged into it by the party paladin. And Gods help the entire party if the rogue sees something shiny, because it will take an army to physically force them back on track. And even then, they can sometimes wiggle out of it.
Thieves do make for the best redemption stories, though. I usually hate cliches, but this one is an exception. The lone rogue who ignores rules and relationships gets suckered into a mission to save the world, and by the time they have an opportunity to walk away from it all, they don't. Not because saving the world is the right thing to do, but because somewhere along the way they found true friendship. You're cringing, but admit a part of you loves it.
Come on, DMs, give us a break. There are at least two other party members who aren't bloodied and make perfectly good targets. If the dice didn't let you deal that one extra damage, maybe the dice just doesn't want us the die. Deal with it.
There is only one time where I wanted the DM to hit me again when I was down to 1 HP, and it was during epic tier (4e). There's a telepathic race called Kalashtars that pass as human, and I had one who was a paladin, Khashanna. One of the epic feats available to Kalashtars allowed them to stay conscious for one round after they went down to zero hit points or less. It drove the DM—and the enemies—absolutely nuts. They'd be pounding on her, trying to get to the spell-casters she was protecting who were ripping up the battlefield, and she's standing long after she should've gone down. And then the warlord of the party would use a healing powers to bring her back up and the whole thing would start all over again. That was a much more effective "F bomb" than this gorilla's middle finger.
8 Cute And Feral
Don't knock on Intimidate checks; those things are lifesavers. Or life-destroyers, if you fail them and are surrounded by enemies. Normally, yes, they are reserved for the big, burly characters: warlords, paladins, dark elves, etc. I had a Tiefling warlord and a Kalashtar paladin who used charisma as either a primary or secondary source of power and they were an incredible duo. But one of the scariest characters I ever had in a party was a gnome. I'm not even kidding. She was three feet five inches of pure scary. It helped that she had a pet dragon. Well, okay, he wasn't exactly a pet, given he was an intelligent, if very young, little brat. But the gnome was his favorite. Probably because she was a warlock and had high charisma stats. None of us messed with her. Her cuteness was deadly.
7 Classy Villains Are Deadly Villains
Who cares about being slapped? The man is kicking a barbarian. He's going to be cleaved in two long before the boss gets there. Unless the boss is a teleporting wizard. Then he's going to have bigger problems.
Polite enemies are always the most dangerous. It's a confidence thing. If a guy is swearing and threatening and overall just acting like a jerk, then he has some serious control issues. He gets angry quickly because he's so insecure and gets sloppy. Therefore, he's easy to manipulate. But if a guy is polite? Then you're in trouble. Because he's patient enough to sit through pleasantries. He doesn't get baited by insults. And he doesn't have to try to prove that he can kill you slowly and painfully. He knows he can kill you slowly and painfully. He's just waiting for the right time to do it; along with the right location. He doesn't want the janitorial staff to have to scrub your blood and brains out of the carpet. That'd be rude.
6 Dude. Run.
Rakshasas are scary things. They have darkvision, they can change form, they have telepathy for God's sake, they're sorcerers, and when push comes to shove, they are humanoid tigers with shiny teeth and claws. The good news is, if you do run into a rakshasa, you probably won't be mauled to death. They view close-quarter fighting as "ignoble," and therefore beneath them. So you'll only be burned, thrown around, and otherwise tortured through magical means.
For those who are wondering what the hell I've been talking about, rakshasas are a humanoid race of spell-casters with animal heads (usually tiger) who are lawful evil. They usually slip into human society and assume the form of nobility, so they can live a life of luxury while slaves and servants toil under their whim. Yeah, they're not nice.
5 The Perfect Valentine's Day Gift For Undead Couples
Liches do love phylacteries. And they get really pissy when you destroy it. Really pissy. You'd think they were having severe PMS if they weren't, you know, dead.
If you are brand spanking new to the world of Dungeons and Dragons and have no idea what a lich is, I'd like to know exactly what player's handbook you're using, because it's clearly skimping its educational duties. Liches are a classic D&D villain and are, basically, undead wizards. And they just. Don't. Die. No matter how many times you kill them, they will come back. And the reason for that is...*drum roll please*...the phylactery. It's like the lich's "get out of death free" card. Or, if you're a Potterhead, it's basically a horcrux. You can only truly destroy a lich by destroying the phylactery.
4 Oh, It's One Of Those Encounters
Sometimes...well, okay, a lot of the time, missions and encounters just don't go the way you planned. Usually it's the opposite: your characters try to open diplomatic relations with the unaligned dragon/orcs/humans/whatever, someone says the wrong thing or it turns out they're not aligned and in fact very much evil, and the swords start swinging. Other times, it goes the other way: you realize you can't kill the evil thing, either because A) its stats are too high, and/or B) your dice are trying to kill you and you keep rolling critical misses. That leaves other means of survival. Normally, I'd advocate running away, either by just flat out running (if you've got the speed/athletics), or doing the classic, "Hey, look behind you!" tactic for those with really good bluff. But hey, everyone has their own skill set, and I'm not one to judge.
3 Parenting Styles
There's tough love, and then there's dwarven love. They take the phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" to a whole new level. Can you imagine the calls their social services get? Wait, do they even have social services? Maybe not. I guess that'd be considered "elf talk," too. You can't really blame them for the roughness, though. They're usually at war with some creature or another. Orcs, goblins, kobolds, dragons, elves, drow, pixies, really anyone who's willing to take on an angry dwarf with an axe. Which is a surprisingly high amount of people. Maybe dwarves just bring that out in people. I can't imagine how, what with the throwing people in lava and insulting other races with ethnic slurs. Who would possibly get angry enough to get into a fight with a person like that?
2 Ideological Differences
...I feel like there's been a fundamental misunderstanding of the meaning of the word "good." Chaotic or not, murder and massacre are generally looked down upon. As is wearing shredded clothing. Ripped jeans is one thing, but there's hardly any fabric left to call it a shirt. That's not a fashion statement, that's just sloppy. Get a sweater at least; it looks like it's raining in that picture, anyway.
Also, I just realized that while the man is splattered with blood, the knife in his teeth is perfectly clean. So clean it sparkles, in fact. Which means he tore through whoever the hell he tore through with the sword in his hand and/or just his hands, and then grabbed the knife and put it in his teeth. It's weird, but at least it's more hygienic than putting a dirty blade in your mouth.
1 The Power Of Books (Is Too Great For Mere Mortals)
Hey, look! Someone took a picture of me while I was reading Game of Thrones and turned it into a meme! Oh, no, wait. That's a guy. Disregard.
Admit it: every one of you reading this has at least one memory of your party falling into an embarrassing magical trap because you didn't check in with the party wizard. It's all right. No shame. I don't have one memory. I have, like, twenty. Especially when I (ironically enough) was playing a sorceress who liked to leap without looking. Or rather, burn without looking. She didn't like wasting time in a dusty library, not when she could be setting dragons on fire. The fact that she and the majority of the party survived thirty levels (4th Edition) is nothing short of miraculous.