Leave it to the internet to gift us with the ultimate in nerdom: Star Trek memes. We've all seen Picard's facepalm and Spock sobbing mathematically, but what about those memes that cross over into strange new worlds of innuendo?
Certain Star Trek characters are more gifted at attracting and talking to potential lovers than others (Riker and Kirk, anyone?), but more often than not, the crewmen and women of Star Trek are too involved in their duties to care. Sure, the crews of the various Enterprises, Voyager and Deep Space Nine are dedicated to doing their jobs, but when one is stuck on a starship or space station for years at a time, they've got take a load off once in a while.
Sure, there are holodecks to play out one's fantasies—and there's always the option of taking a few days in Risa—but sometimes we just want someone to talk nerdy to us. We’ve compiled a list of some of the most inappropriate and nerdy AF Star Trek memes that are sure to inspire even the most inept casanova.
15 Guess they don't have bananas in space
Leave it to Captain Janeway to point out a crewmate’s bulge and compare it to a photon torpedo of all things. He must have been very well-endowed to warrant that comparison. Most guys would be the size of a phaser, tops.
She looks a little impatient. Wait, does she actually think this guy somehow has a photon torpedo in his pocket? There’s no way in hell one of those could ever fit in someone’s pocket. Or maybe she just wants him to tell her that he is happy to see her. She is a no-nonsense kind of gal. Maybe that’s the line she uses to get men to sleep with her.
Nah, Janeway never wanted to get involved with anyone she worked with, even Chakotay. That ship has sailed, sweetheart! Or has it? With so many alternate timelines in Star Trek, there has to have been at least one where the two of them ended up together.
14 Creepy Riker doesn't discriminate
As handsome as he is, Will Riker is a straight-up creep. Aside from serving as first officer on the Enterprise, his greatest love in life is women. He’s always got his eye on the prettiest one in the room. Flirting is as natural as breathing to him. It’s no wonder that it took so long for him and Counselor Troi to finally get together. As an empath, she probably sensed all his lustful feelings for other ladies and was like, “Call me when you stop being such a space sl*t.”
Needless to say, when faced with a supposed asexual species, Riker would have seen it as a challenge. All he’d have to do is work his charms on the ladies and they’d suddenly discover their long buried sexuality. Then, he’d promptly make love to them and leave them pining away on their planet, sexually reawakened, but with no one to share their passions with. Classic Riker.
13 Superman, eat your heart out
OK, so there’s no evidence that Geordi could actually see through clothing per se, but it’s possible. We know he could definitely see heat signatures and certain erogenous zones tend to heat up more than others, so maybe he could see everyone’s private parts.
Geordi did joke to Worf once that he could see through playing cards during a poker game, much to his annoyance. Since Geordi’s not the smoothest with the ladies, he could have just kept it a secret the whole time, only letting Data in on it (since they were best buds).
Judging from this meme, though, it looks like Data discovered his secret while he had access to emotions. That doesn’t bode well for Geordi. Data is kind of a prick when he can feel things. After he got done winking and nudging Geordi for all the body parts he undoubtedly saw through his visor, he probably told the whole Enterprise crew about Geordi’s indiscretion, just to have a laugh. Androids...
12 Feel it pulse, baby
Captain Picard’s no stranger to the ladies, but he hasn’t always had the best luck, due to his ingrained sense of duty. Even when he does feel an attraction to someone, they’re either already promised to someone (Kamala), way too self-centered (Vash), or just the victim of circumstance (Beverly).
Essentially, the Captain is married to his job and the Enterprise is his greatest love. He did write an entire book about the ship, after all. Basically, he’s the opposite of creepy Riker, who can’t keep his eyes and hands to himself. He’d much rather scan something with an inverse tachyon pulse than get it on with someone.
Some may argue that he isolated himself too much (especially after his Borg experience) and that it’s lonely being a captain. But when you’ve got a fully interactive computer that talks back and a holodeck full of possibilities, who needs a real person? Picard should just stick to what he knows best—artificial beings and starships.
11 Vul-can you feel me?
Even though Vulcans suppress the crap out of their emotions, they still have them (despite what they’d like you to think). Spock was even more vulnerable than other Vulcans, since he was half-human. Despite applying logic to everything, occasionally his facial expressions would reveal something a little more beneath the surface. Who could forget his famous eyebrow raise signaling his surprise or skepticism (especially when it came to Captain Kirk)?
Take his expression in this meme, for one. Sassy Spock is sassy! If only he was that forward on Star Trek: The Original Series. This is about as close to flirting as Spock could ever get, unless of course, he was experiencing Pon Farr. Then, anything would be fair game. That was the episode which predicted adult videos on the internet, after all. In the show, Spock has returned to Vulcan so he can mate with the woman he’s supposed to marry; however, Vulcans can mate with other species, too. So, in reality, he could put his Vulcan genomes wherever he wishes. Lucky him.
10 Darmok and Jalad in my quarters
Picard rather enjoyed trying to decipher the meaning behind the Tamarian language in the season five episode, “Darmok.” When he began understanding they spoke in metaphors, he never seemed so alive, as he began to attempt communication back with the Tamarian captain. The anthropologist in him was fascinated with their language and mythology.
Since he was the one to make contact with them and learned to converse in their language, why wouldn’t he use it to create metaphors of his own? Unfortunately, it seems as though he’s communicating an attempt at getting freaky that didn’t quite work out. “Shaka, when the walls fell” is the phrase that means failure. So, if his pants fell instead of the walls, does that mean he didn’t succeed in getting laid? Wow, way to woo the ladies with metaphors. Poor Picard—despite being the captain, sometimes even his nerdiness gets in the way of a sexual encounter.
9 Dammit, Wesley
Oh, Wesley Crusher—our love/hate relationship with you has no bounds. A technological wunderkind through and through, your nerdiness was both charming and annoying at times. For Captain Picard, however, you were more annoying than anything else. Seriously though, shut up, Wesley!
Of course, Wesley would find a way to watch a bunch of adult videos on the ship’s computer. But, you know what happens when you visit some of those sites, don’t you? They fill your computer with spyware, adware, and all sorts of other spammy crap. Wesley probably forgot to clear his browsing history or didn’t use private browsing, so Picard found out what he was up to. Upon running a level-three diagnostic, which is essentially like a really powerful virus-detection software, the computer nearly imploded due to the amount of inappropriate material it found in Wesley’s cache. Despite his other nerdy interests, he was definitely interested in human anatomy.
8 Pedophilia does not compute
There he goes again—Commander Will Riker being a super creep. He's talking to underage girls in a chatroom, trying to arrange a meeting at the Enterprise's next rendezvous point. He thinks he's so clever convincing teenage girls that he's one of them. Wait until he shows up and finds a descendant of Chris Hansen there instead, ready to take him to a federation penal colony. Didn't he learn anything from Wesley's browsing history fiasco?
Looks like Data caught him in the thick of it. Of course, he would take the conversation at face value. Good luck trying to make sense of all that, Data. There's no logical explanation for trying to get with girls almost one third your age (especially when there are undoubtedly holosuite programs for every kind of perverted fantasy out there, even the illegal ones). Chalk it all up to a personality flaw on Riker’s part. Maybe he could do with some rewiring of his neural pathways.
7 Penetrate the hull!
Do you think that everyone who goes through Starfleet Academy uses technological terms as euphemisms? When you’re constantly saturated with facts and figures, practical data and technological jargon, it becomes like a second language. You could have entire conversations about shield capacity and phaser strength, when you’re secretly talking about getting it on. It’s genius when you think about it.
Although he’s sophisticated and mature while on duty, even Captain Picard isn’t above making jokes and playing around, especially when he’s not in his right mind. We need only remember one of the earliest episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, “The Naked Now,” when the whole crew was infected with a virus that mimicked alcohol intoxication. Picard waved at Beverly (as she entered the turbolift off the bridge) as if he was a small child. If they had been under a red alert, he probably would have giggled while he gave the order to fire the ship’s phasers. “Hahaha, her shields are down. Get it?” Don’t quit your dayjob, Picard.
6 Unless they involve monogamy
Again with the pickup lines, huh Riker? Dude must have an entire arsenal at his fingertips memorized and ready to go, in case he meets a pretty face. If this is only number 21, you have to wonder what his best (or go-to) line is. He probably caters it according to what species he’s talking to, the sly devil.
This pickup line sounds more like something someone should be saying to him, rather than the other way around. He’s the one who has put the moves on ladies from the holodeck, even stealing them away from Captain Picard like he did in the episode, “11001001.” There has to be some fantasies that even a holosuite program can’t recreate, though. For example, you’re not supposed to create programs that include a holographic likeness of a person without their consent, which we learned during Deep Space Nine. Knowing Riker, however, that surely wouldn’t have stopped him from trying.
5 Always a charmer, that one
Are we 100% sure that Kirk and Riker aren’t related somehow? They sure have a lot in common for a couple of guys who were from timelines 100 years apart. They both love trying to seduce women with their wily charms and devilishly handsome good looks. It’s almost like a game to them. Forget pickup artists, those lame fedora wearing a-holes have nothing on Captain Kirk. He practically invented those flirty mind games pickup artists claim to know so much about. And what’s more, he’s a lot better at them. He pretty much never struck out with women.
Kirk knows all the moves and can compliment a Starfleet officer using only a clever pun about a phaser’s stun setting to tell her she’s pretty. Admit it—it made you smile, even if it is corny. It’s no wonder so many women on the show couldn’t resist him. With those twinkling hazel eyes and perfectly symmetrical face, he could stun anyone just by looking at them.
4 Because there's nothing sexy about Terok Nor
All of the Star Trek captains have a certain allure about them, except for maybe Captain Archer (nobody likes him, right). They have power, confidence and an imposing presence that makes you want to listen to them. For that to be possible, however, a captain also has to have a commanding voice. Although, they each do in their own way, there’s none more commanding than Captain Benjamin Sisko’s voice.
Therefore, when you see a meme like this one, you can’t help but hear it in his deep, sensual voice. He articulates each word, pausing for emphasis on the subjects in the sentence, in the unique way that he does. There’s no one better to call you “Deep Space Fine,” than Captain Sisko. It’s a good thing the Cardassians could never keep control of the station, otherwise, he’d have had to come up with something stemming from Terok Nor and it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
3 Human in the streets, Borg in the sheets
It’s safe to say that pretty much everyone who watched Star Trek: Voyager past season three, probably did so because of Seven of Nine. It’s also safe to say that the majority of those people had the hots for her. How could you not? Even though her voice stayed monotonous and she didn’t quite get the hang of manners—due to her assimilation as a Borg drone at a very young age—you couldn’t help but find her attractive.
That being said, if she invited you back to her place with the intention of assimilating you into the collective, wouldn’t you do it (even if it meant losing your individuality)? Since the Borg assimilates a species’ biological and technological distinctiveness into their own, wouldn’t that make them excellent lovers? Seven would know all about what feels good to a human, a Bajoran or a Ferengi. You wouldn’t even have to show her. Well, there’s only one way to find out. Resistance is futile.
2 He is fully functional after all...
Speaking of getting it on with people who are not quite human, let’s not forget about the first humanoid android in Starfleet—Data. All Data ever wanted was to be a real boy and experience the gamut of human emotions, so he could truly fit in. He tried desperately to write poetry, paint and tell jokes only to have them fall flat every time because he was programmed to take everything literally.
However, when he temporarily had an emotion chip fitted into his neural net, it made him finally understand humor. There’s no doubt that he could have told a joke like this one and it would have sent him rolling in fits of laughter. Even though it’s a pretty nerdy joke, it actually does apply to Data because, as we found out in the very first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, he is a fully functional humanoid android that’s programmed in multiple pleasuring techniques.
1 It's funny because it's true
Jadzia Dax would totally say this if someone was referring to one of the other Dax hosts. She had a sassy sense of humor and wasn’t above a cheap jab at herself. To other life forms, it must have seemed pretty odd that she had what was presumably like a giant parasite co-existing inside of her.
Even though she lived as Jadzia for most of her life, when she joined with the Dax symbiote, she had all of the other hosts' memories to draw from. It was like they were all inside her because of the symbiote. She was even able to draw them out through the Trill rite of closure ceremony. It was during this very ceremony, however, that we learned that Curzon was in love with her, which is why he rejected her from the symbiosis program. Despite him never telling her in life, he got to live inside of her for as long as she lived—a creepy, yet somewhat romantic thought.