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15 Hipsters Who Make Us Want To Vacate The Planet

We’ve written a lot about hipsters as of late, but there’s a really good reason for that. They continue to annoy us to no end.

Sure, we love fashion forward people who have an open mind and are making great strides with their own personal ambitions. And those people have a hard time with hipsters, too.

We’re not sure how long the ironic old-timey moustache and typewriter-in-the-café crowd are going to last, but it feels like it’s on the downside of the curve. Just as hippies started to fall out of fashion towards the beginning of the '80s, we feel this current incarnation of hipsters is starting to play itself out.

But hipsters in general are never going away. Today they’re in blue hair wearing lens-less glasses and lumberjack pants, tomorrow they’ll probably be wearing fishing waders and propeller hats. Sounds strange, but if they told us back in the hunks of 2018 could all fill in for ZZ Top, we would have laughed. Actually, we’re still laughing.

Enjoy—these folks might be endangered soon.

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15 He was attention-starved before it was cool

Is he OK? Was he the youngest of eight children, and couldn’t get any attention? Was his entire wardrobe full of hand-me-downs, and he was beat up all the time on the playground? Did he move far away from home and change his name from “Mark” to “Jebediah Wolf”? We thought as much. While some might have turned into an overachiever with that kind of background, he'll settle for getting gawked at.

Whenever life gets him down, he can just hop onto his Hey Hey Hipster bike and soak in all the stares and photos. That’s right. It’s a 10-foot tall custom bicycle with a built in amp, speaker, megaphone and old-timey car horn. The shirtless attire and man-bun is strictly for aerodynamic purposes.

We notice he’s wearing some kind of wrist brace on his right hand, most likely because if he tries to suddenly stop, he’s going to take a timber fall sideways straight to the ground. Even with hefty arm strength, that’s probably going to do a number on his wrist bones.

Wherever this guy’s going, he’s going loudly and proudly. Provided he doesn’t have to pass any low trees, go through tunnels or stop for any traffic at all, we’re sure he’ll be fine.

14 Hipster inception

via: imgur.com

We know the trend’s bubble is about to burst when the cutting edge hipster look has now become so pedestrian, so prevalent everywhere that is might as well just be re-labeled “basic young dude.” If you can walk into a barber’s waiting room and what we see is essentially the same man from four different parallel universes, then maybe that look isn’t as anti-mainstream or rebellious as we might think.

This is not new. Sometime in the early to mid-nineties, there was a phase where every young guy on the planet wore a backwards baseball cap and had a goatee. It was standard issue with their Doc Martens, forest green big jeans, plaid shirt and Hootie & the Blowfish CD. Everyone was doing it so they could be different. Ha.

Plaid, remarkably resilient, has still survived. Popularized in the '50s, it never really went away. It’s not too late, Hipsters. If you want to start looking different from everyone else, all it takes is a few splashes of color outside the black/grey/brown spectrum, ditching the hat, losing the glasses and a clean shave. People will stop them in the street and ask if their from the future!

13 This stickboard is totally authentic

What makes you a hipster? Most of the time, when we think of that word, it has something to do with how someone is dressed or styled. But often it is how they are accessorized. Did they ride to work on a camel? Do they have live hamsters for earrings? Are they walking a pet crab? Did they slide in on a branch with wheels?

Wait. What?

Yes. Even though this hipster is wearing Nike sneakers and cargo shorts, two things we don’t usually associate with the movement, he rode into this grocery store on a literal branch with wheels.

It’s sort of a skateboard, sort of a scooter—let’s just call it a stickboard.

We’re impressed with his dedication to keeping it real. This is simply two branches stuck together, probably by an assortment of nails and screws. Though he attached wheels underneath, that bottom stick is crooked so we can’t imagine this being a smooth ride.

But as always, a smooth ride isn’t the point. This dude made his own stickboard and doubled down by actually skating around town with it. The point is that you witness him fully commit to the stickboard. Your astonished face is worth far more than a smooth ride.

12 Antique phone selfie

So this guy gets a little leeway because he’s clearly joking: you can’t take a selfie with an old-timey phone. But doesn’t he look like he wishes that he could?

We don’t understand the obsession with dated and obsolete technology that has hipsters so enraptured. Fine, we can understand an obsession with vinyl, because many audiophiles still insist it has the best sound, and vinyl is still produced as a viable format and has a huge collector’s fan base. That’s one thing.

But typewriters? Penny-farthing bicycles—those are the old-timey bicycles with one huge wheel in the front and a tiny wheel in the back? Tribal tattoos made with a needle and a rock? These are huge steps backwards in convenience and common sense. It’s intellectually dishonest to say you prefer these kinds of outdated curiosities. They are more accessories to your vanity than gear that is improving your life.

So, no doubt, someone’s going to figure out an app where they can plug their iPhone into a phone from the early 1900s like above. And they’ll lug it around on their back, collecting likes and follows from people that capture them out in the wild on their Instagram accounts.

That technology is over, guys. Let’s all move on.

11 Strapped

Under this weird librarian warrior outfit appears to be handsome, rugged man. Dude is strapped and ready for action. Oh no, not strapped with a gun, strapped with leather journals and attaché cases. In skilled and trained hands, they can be deployed as a lethal weapon.

If that sounds strange to you, understand that the monks of ancient Austria held off an attack by a mob of heretics with nothing but leather books on a strap swung like a mace. Many fatalities by book-to-skull fracture. Also that’s totally a lie, that story never happened.

We just thought a little alternative history might support this guy’s look.

Also, notice that this guy’s attaché case is held to his body by drawstrings attached to his pants. Though it has loops to hang on a belt, that wouldn’t work at all. This guy is wearing hipster suspenders—there’s no way this guy believes in belts. What is this, a frat from 1985? Belts are for squares.

We also thought “monk” just by looking at this guy's poverty sleeve shirt that looks like he ripped off a homeless dude in old west. Though, most likely, it cost him $500 at Forever 21. It’s from their exclusive “colors of dirt” spectrum that seems so popular with hipsters these days.

10 The VHS Hipster

We’ve got mixed feeling about this guy, because we have fond memories of the VHS era and the nostalgia is pretty sweet. Back in the ‘90s, there was no browsing through endless streaming options to beam a movie directly into your TV. All you most likely had was your local mom and pop video VHS rental place or a Blockbuster. Those days are gone, as is the VCR.

The ad may or may not be tongue-in-cheek. Hard to tell. But we like the self-aware message: “Attention Hipsters: Is your film school senior thesis not gritty enough? Convert your digital files to VHS! Your audience won’t get it, just like you planned! www.tooyoungtorememberVHS.com.”

Interestingly enough, if you actually go to that URL it will redirect you to another site where you can see a looping video of a hipster woman in a hat doing some hipster dancing in her living room. So…um…wut?

Final verdict: these guys are liking an old format for the wrong reasons. Yeah, the nostalgia is cool but videotape is inferior in almost every respect, and is prone to disintegrating in the long run. Kind of like those “vintage” fedoras they keep buying that are made in China.

9 Leave the typewriter back in 1973

He’s straight out of that 1973, with a beard and hairstyle that seems to give a more hippie vibe than hipster. That forest green knit cap and white wool poncho seems perfectly suited for the fashion of that era. Looking like the sensitive writer type, he carries his little manual typewriter with him on the bus.

And all of these fashion choices are not deal breakers—this is America, you can wear what you want.

It’s that typewriter that’s bothering us.

You can’t tell us that with all options available, including just a pen, that you genuinely prefer lugging around a typewriter and subjecting everyone else to the “clackety clack” of your keys? We’re calling complete BS on that one. Typewriters are crude and unwieldy, heavy and space-consuming. They are unforgiving of mistakes and make loud noises around your neighbor. This has nothing to do with you liking typewriters and everything to do with being SEEN as a person who likes typewriters. You think it make you look edgy somehow.

We’ll let you in on an open secret. No one cares about you and your typewriter. Just like we don’t care about the guy having a loud cell phone conversation next to us. It’s annoying, not cool. So stop it.

8 Hipster Barbie

Oh man, do we wish we would have thought of this. So we’re cheating a little on this entry, because it’s not a hipster, but someone satirically making fun of hipsters. But we had to put it up here because it’s just so good.

Meet hipster Barbie. She does all things that real young female hipsters do on their Instagram accounts, thus exposing how ridiculous the whole trend and scene is.

Take this first shot up above, for instance. “Be the kind of leader that you want to follow.” Along with a shot presumably taken by Barbie’s boyfriend, hipster Ken. It’s the kind of generic platitude accompanied by a humble/not humble narcissistic posed shot that travel hipsters seem to instinctively go for.

Or the second one, “I believe in the person I want to become.” And another vain portrait. What the heck does that mean? Can’t anyone say that? And what does your face have to do with that sentiment?

She hits it out of the park with the last one. ““It’s like we’re all competing to make the best computer screen saver and the winner gets crowned most authentic.” Hahaha. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Hipster Barbie burns just by doing exactly what hipsters do. The satire is on point!

7 Grandfather clock

The prevailing attitude amongst “fashion forward” hipsters is that old-timey is better, even if it’s unwieldy. The guy that first started wearing miniature grandfather clocks on his wrist probably was probably just joking—but the trend got away from him and people started taking it seriously.

There are so many things wrong with this miniature grandfather clock idea. First of all, forget about putting your hand in your pocket, that’s out. If you’re at a bar, you can look forward to knocking over all the drinks in front of you all the time—that’s sure to win you some friends.

If you like to dance or gesticulate while you talk, good luck trying to settle all those lawsuits from the eyes you will inevitably poke out.

Any bouncer that sees you try to walk into a bar with that on your wrist is going to be hard-pressed to consider it anything else but a weapon.

The whole idea of a grandfather clock was to have something classic and of permanence to keep the time in your home. It’s an old-school testament to craftsmanship and permanence.

This is just a dumb trinket that’s going to get someone hurt. But hey, if things go down, at least you have something to defend yourself with.

6 When you’re a hipster who works in marketing

via: imgur.com

So this guy may or may not be an actual hipster, but either way, he’s certainly cracked the code on how to SELL to hipsters. And just by the visuals, we can see that his hipster rebranding would sell like hotcakes in hipster hot spots like Brooklyn or Silver Lake (a region of Los Angeles) or Portland.

Take these Twinkies, for instance. Take your standard package of six, and stack them side by side in a flush little cigar-box-like container. Put little fancy curly cues in the packaging and now it feels like your eating delectable cakes from the early 1900s as opposed to mass-produced chemical confections wrapped in plastic.

Or look at the Slim Jims. Rebrand them as “Slim James” and pack them like sardines in a long harmonica box. Now, they no longer look like a trucker snack—they look like something you’d eat in your fancy east coast den next to classic leather-bound books.

Fruit by the Foot becomes the snooty Fruit Par La Métre in a cute metal tin. Captain Crunch looks like something Captain Ahab would eat on his way to slay Moby Dick.

Basically, hipsters just crave food that looks classic and important—just like the things that they aren’t.

5 Game boy

As far as hipster looks go, the majority of the whole ensemble is pretty mild. That haircut is square do from the '90s, but we still see plenty of people sporting them. The shirt and sweater combination isn’t anything unusual, so it could pass for normie fashion.

It’s the Game Boy hanging around his neck that really sets him apart.

First, as avid players of the Game Boy back in the day, we forget how big and bulky those devices were compared to what we’re used to now. It’s about the size of three smart phones strapped together, with a fraction of the computing power.

And even though all of us kids loved the Game Boy during its time, none of us ever considered the gaming device as a fashion accessory.

No one hung a Game Boy around his or her neck and tried to pass it off as normal. We were too busy playing Super Mario Land or Tetris.

At least what he’s wearing is somewhat fun. If you’re waiting in line at Starbucks, you can whip out your Game Boy and get your video game on. But truth be told…you can also do that with your typical smart phone. It won’t have the same interface but…oh, never mind. You’re a hipster. You’re not thinking practically.

4 Hipster capitalism

The post asks, “Have hipsters gone too far?”

Yes. Yes, they definitely have.

Now, we’ve seen outrageous markups of things-you-can-find-outside-for-free before. Not long ago, a picture was circulating of a baseball-sized rock on sale in a gift shop in the Hamptons for several hundred dollars. But you expect that from rich people; what else are they going to do with their money?

But c’mon, Design Republic. Charging $98 for a stump? The sad thing is that this thing probably sells well; otherwise it wouldn’t be an offering. Tons of hipsters in the city like to front that they are all outdoorsy like the lumberjacks they resemble, but the closest thing they do to spending time in the woods is writing typewriter poetry in an office with artificial wood paneling. These guys aren’t taking any day trips to the park to find their own stumps. They’d rather pay $98 and just say they did.

Design Republic might be on to something here. They can get the stumps for free. Pretty soon they’ll be expanding the product line into $50 pine cones and $25 dandelion bouquets. You just know some of these trust fund hipsters will go for it. Easier than getting their hands dirty and getting mud on their faux-leather lumberjack boots.

3 Fall catalog

OK, if you’re going to be hipster, at least have some style like these guys. Kudos for a actually wearing bright colors outside of the dreary black/grey/brown palette! And unlike most hipsters who dress to like they haven’t showered in weeks, these guys look pretty put together. Still ridiculous, but at least put together.

Guy on the left could be some kind of avant-garde fashion guru, bedecked in a sky blue suit and tie combination and a giant scarf with a hot pink frill.

This one looks like he actually has a job.

The dude in the middle is more muted, probably a bartender getting coffee before his shift. He’s wearing mostly black with wool vintage trousers and a bright red beanie.

The guy on the right seems straight out of the 1960s, with an outfit that would be right at home in a band like The Doors. Colorful paisley jacket, black turtleneck, round sunglasses—hand him a tambourine or an organ and he’s ready to start jamming with the best of them.

Let’s be clear, we wouldn’t be caught wearing any of this (well…maybe the blue suit without the scarf), but if you’re going to go hipster, at least do it with some style.

2 The hipster conversion kit

via: imgur.com

Now, if you’re building a gag gift to convert your buddy into a hipster, what would you put in the box? The funny thing is, as much as hipsters like to think they’re rebelling with their fashion choices, many of them just kind of end up looking the same. Which is why it’s relatively easy to decide what a hipster conversion kit might include.

Take this guy. Taking the obvious cues from wandering around hipster country, he picks what should be standard in any hipster uniform. The box includes a beanie, a scarf, a tattoo sleeve (meant to simulate a real tribal tattoo on the forearm), a fake moustache and glasses without lenses.

Perfect!

Then, he wrapped up the whole kit in custom-made wrapping paper that has hipster dudes all over it. My favorite is the shirtless guy with the healthy beard and man-bun wearing pearls and earrings. Total disclosure: some of us wore man buns a few years ago, but ducked out of the trend early somewhere in 2014. Just in case pictures surface, please know we did come to our senses.

The only thing this kit is missing is a typewriter and a little mason jar to put your coffee in. But hey, it’s a good start.

1 Sunglasses tape

Sunglasses. That. Tape. Onto. Your. Face.

The models depicted above are learning the hard way that to succeed in their industry, they to have to shed any sense of shame.

Excuse us while we retrieve the parts of our brain that tried to escape out our ear in an attempt to isolate itself from the madness. Did they do any market research at all about this kind of thing? Who wants their face to look like a half-opened shipping container?

Did they consider how the female demographic would reject this in droves?

Why would you want something that will peel all the makeup off of your forehead and yank out the little that’s left of the eyebrows? Who wants to accidentally lose eyelashes while casually removing their sunglasses tape? It’s ugly and awkward, two things that you want far away from your face.

The male demographic must have rejected this instantly as well. When you think cool sunglasses, you think James Dean, Marlon Brando, Richard Gere, Warren Beatty or Frank Sinatra. Can you see any of those guys wearing sunglasses tape? No freaking way. Highly emasculating.

In a turn of events that should surprise no one, this product was not a hit. These guys were into total market failure before it was cool.

References: blazepress.com,  boredpanda.com, boredpanda.com, gizmodo.comimgur.com, imgur.com, imgur.compiximus.com,  reddit.com, reddit.comreddit.comrunt-of-the-web.com, runt-of-the-web.com, thumbpress.com

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