Walking home from work the other day, we bumped into a friendly hobo near a stoplight who had some words of wisdom to impart to us. "Baby, if you've got the confidence, you can do anything. Not a thing in this world can stop you." Actually, come to think of it, we're not sure if the hobo was talking to us when he said that, or if he was talking to the pigeons that had gathered to rummage through the trash he'd collected in his stolen shopping cart. Still, it was sound advice.
We like to think that simply having confidence will enable us to achieve all of our heart's desires, but the fact is, it won't. These 15 idiots who prove confidence isn't always key should convince you of that.
15 Stick your tongue back in your mouth, it's the wrong Jean Simmons
We went to a fortune teller at the carnival the other day, and the wrinkly old carnie with the hairy mole on her lip who reeked of alcohol—uh, we mean, the gifted seer who predicted the future told us, after staring at tea leaves and gazing into her crystal ball, that phonetic spelling will be the downfall of humankind. Oh, it's true.
OMG, Google, you guys. Google. Haven't you heard about that search engine by now? It's so great. All you have to do is type whatever it is you're looking for right into it, and it'll show you. A five-second Google search would have prevented this dolt from looking like a moron by proving that there is, in fact, a difference between Jean Simmons and Gene Simmons. Honestly.
14 A cautionary tale
The rise and fall of this guy's YouTube journey happened in less than a week. It was six glorious days of shoving his face full of pizza and fried mozzarella sticks, but instead of making him internet famous, all it made him was fat and sick. How is that fair? Thanks a lot, food. What did he ever do to you, besides love you for exactly who you are? We can't believe you, right now!
Poor guy. He started off strong. Confident as all get out. But ultimately, it didn't matter. For all of his bold audacity, where did his courage leave him? In bed, curled up in a ball of defeat, sobbing his clogged-arteried little heart out with only an incredibly irritated cat to comfort him. So sad.
13 That can't be right
We will be the first to admit that we have no idea what we're doing at the gym (as if we even go to the gym. LOL! Don't be ridiculous!).
We know how the, oh, what's it called? The doors? Yeah, we know how the doors work, so we can actually enter the gym establishment. And, it took a little trial-and-error, but we also figured out how to lift the lids of the cardboard boxes of the free pizza slices that they have for the people who have burned enough calories to indulge in. But other than that, we don't understand gym equipment. Maybe if we had this woman's confidence, we'd have better luck in the gym. Or maybe we, too, would look like a moron.
12 See-through skirts will be a short-lived fad
Fashion these days, are we right? It's so fast-paced! If you so much as blink, you'll miss yet another in a seemingly endless string of ridiculous clothing fads. Although, now that we think about it, that might not actually be a bad thing. After all, there are quite a few trends we wish we hadn't been forced to witness. Like hairy fingernails, or butt contouring. Yikes, what a mess those were.
We never would have predicted that girls would fashion miniskirts out of Glad brand plastic wrap, and frankly, we're ashamed that such a thing has even happened. Nothing good can come of this, because if she eats at Taco Bell while wearing this thing, not even all of the confidence in the world will protect her from the aftermath.
11 What is this, Wheel of Fortune?
The caption for this photo says these two were "exchanging vowels." We wonder which vowels they exchanged. We don't want to play favorites with the alphabet because, as bloggers, we rely heavily on every single letter, whether it's a vowel or a consonant. But, if we were forced to choose...we guess we would give up O and U. We would exchange A, E and I as well, but we're partial to them. And, of course, even though Y is only sometimes a vowel, those times when it is make it unbeatable, so we couldn't possibly be persuaded to exchange it, too.
What's that? They didn't mean to say vowels they actually meant to say vows? Oh. Well, forget we said anything, and give us our damn letters back.
10 Gravity: the conspiracy the government doesn't want you to know about
Nope! Stop right there, mister. Don't you even try to come over here and tell us that there are actually people in this world who don't believe in gravity and/or people who think the world is flat. We mean, we realize gravity is nothing more than a compelling theory. But still, we thought we were all on the same page, here.
We lack the scientific reasoning to take this fool on when it comes to gravity and its effect on ocean life, but we're more distressed by the fact that we would even have to. What is this? We're so confounded by this person's confusion, we're scratching our own head. They don't make a compelling argument in any way, and yet, it is so invalid, we can't even figure out how best to debunk it.
9 Steak and potatoes with a side of Raid
Since food porn is basically what gets us through the day, the last thing that we want to do is try to dissuade any of you from posting your food pictures. But could you do us a small favor before you post those delicious mealfies (meal + selfies = mealfies. Our creation, but feel free to use that word as often as you like)? Could you, like, make sure there are no disgusting bugs around the perimeter of your dinnerware? We know we're being super picky about this, but if you would do this for us, as a friend, we would really appreciate it.
We'll be right back in a few, you guys. Just gotta run to the bathroom and vomit for a few hours. You know how it is.
8 Their college education has been wasted
Two questions. One: what were these college kids on that they legit thought that they would be able to stick that couch into that car without busting everything to pieces? Two: where can we get some?
This must have been the result of one of those drunken frat parties that we hear so much about. There's just no way alcohol wasn't involved, but, on the off-chance that it wasn't, then just how the heck did these imbeciles manage to get into college, anyway? Pretty sure you have to have an I.Q. greater than that of a mealworm if you want to get accepted into a university. When you start sticking huge ass couches into tiny ass cars, that's not exactly a great display of your intelligence.
7 We can hardly beleaf this
We don't want to get all political on you, but we have long been proponents of walkie-talkies, and we simply cannot understand why society is so resistant to them. Especially when you see a GIF like this, how can you possibly say no to a good, sturdy pair of walkie-talkies? This entire event could have been prevented, but no, it wasn't because, as always, people think they're too good for walkie-talkies.
One of these days, the world is going to realize the true value of handheld radios, but until that happens, we guess we'll just have to keep seeing fails like this. Fails of people who think all they need is confidence, and those leaves will ignore physics and go into the back of the leaf truck out of politeness.
6 This picture just made us vegetarians
You've heard of charcoal grills and gas grills, but have you heard of confidence grills? No. Of course you haven't, because it's a load of nonsense. You can't grill a steak with confidence alone, you fool; you have to use actual heat. Look, we didn't attend a fancy French cooking school, and we are by no means professional chefs, but even we know that! Come on, people! Get with the program!
Confidence is going to get you nowhere fast in the kitchen if that's the only thing you're working with. We mean, don't get us wrong, confidence sure helps. But unless you have even a modicum of skill, you're going to have a hard time making anything worth eating. That's just our two cents' worth.
5 So that's how you flip a house
It's our business to scour the web for quality WTF, so we're used to seeing strange things that we can't explain. We usually don't let it bother us. But sometimes, we see something so absurd, so inexplicable that we think about it for years. This isn't one of those images, but it's right up there. We haven't lost any sleep trying to figure out how these people managed to turn this humongous house upside down, but we will admit, we're still scratching our head.
Man, we've heard of flipping houses for profit, but we thought that was more of a metaphorical phrase than a literal one. We didn't know that you actually had to flip the house upside down, we thought flip was slang for renovate. Shows how much we know.
4 Was there really no better way?
We're not up-to-date on homosexual folklore. We know, we know, it's unbelievable. It's as astounding as having read six of the Harry Potter books, but then deciding that the series isn't worth your time, and choosing not to read the seventh book. In other words, it's insane.
Anyway, like we said, we don't know if RIPPING ANOTHER GUY'S HEART OUT OF HIS FREAKING CHEST AND THEN EATING IT LIKE SOME KIND OF ANIMAL is something that people do to prove their gayness or lack thereof. We're not qualified to pontificate on said issue, if, indeed, said issue is even an issue at all. But we do know that if Gwen Stefani were here, she'd say this sh*t is bananas. And you know what? She'd be right.
3 You idiot, that's Benjamin Franklin, the best president we ever had
No, no! You're so wrong, you don't even know how wrong you are. You're blinded by your own ignorance. That isn't George Washington. George Washington is on the one-dollar bill. That, we will have you know, is Benjamin Franklin, the best president that the United States of America has ever had. Open a history book every now and then, would you? Sheesh! Don't you people know anything?!
Okay, before you go thinking that this is actually Benjamin Franklin, or that Benjamin Franklin was ever president of the good ole U.S. of A., we'd like to clarify, for realsies, that this is Andrew Jackson. Old Hickory. The seventh president. And no amount of being confident that he is George Washington will make him George Washington. Sorry to disappoint.
2 It's like she's playing air guitar with a real guitar
It's not like us to jump to conclusions, but y'all better stand back, because we just strapped on our moon shoes, and we're fixing to use our mom's exercise trampoline to hop on over to them. We have a sneaking suspicion that this girl has never held an electric guitar in her life. Call us crazy, but something about the way she's holding it and/or strumming it inspires skepticism.
Look how done she is. She's so over it, she doesn't even care that she doesn't know what she's doing. Maybe she's on medication. It could be that she had to come to this gig after she got back from the dentist to have a cavity filled, and she's still kind of spacey from the drugs. That'd explain it.
1 Hmm. Wonder why Rick is still single?
Rick must never have played "connect the dots" when he was little, because this fella is more of a blundering idiot than we are before we've had our coffee in the morning. It's a simple case of cause and effect, Rick. Pull the wool out from over your eyes—the wool that you, yourself, have placed there—and try to understand that the reason why you don't have a woman to keep you company is because you're an assh*le. It's a hard concept to wrap your mind around, we know. But if you ever want to not die unloved and alone, it's what you're going to have to do.
Poor Rick. Not even his asinine confidence can save him from himself. Oh, well. At least it's hilarious, watching him crash and burn.