When you have an emergency, the best place to come is onto the internet. Some people would just google their search to find an answer, while others take to online forums to get help for all kinds of things. The internet has taught us one thing if nothing else: Humans are really stupid. And stupid people will post their wild emergencies and ridiculous questions online for validation and shared delusion. It might be a mermaid spell one day or trying to hire a pretend family to impress your boss another day. We’ve all panicked over one thing or another at some point in our lives, but these internet emergencies are so weird, so stupid, so ridiculous that you will have no choice but to LOL (after rolling your eyes and wondering how anyone can be this idiotic).
15 Needed that mermaid spell, like, yesterday
We have soooo many questions. Our first one is how or why Hayley thinks that her friend found an actual spell to turn herself into a mermaid, “one that works!” The bingo story and phrase about ones and elevens also has us seriously confused. It also seems as Hayley and her friend think that they speak to Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Yes, you read that correctly. Well, Hayley’s internet emergency is that they need a spell to be able to turn back into normal humans. She used all caps to make sure we knew how serious this was. Also, she only wants replies from people who believe that mermaids exist. No mind games, please. If Hayley was completely serious, we have to wonder what the hell she’s on because she’s clearly on some kind of trip.
14 Swallowed an ice cube and awaiting death
Oh, James, you have no idea what ice is made of, do you? He was probably told by adults that he shouldn’t swallow ice and took it to heart. Of course, you probably don’t want to swallow huge chunks of ice because a solid ice cube could get stuck in your throat. But it sounds as if this ice cube easily went down and caused no problems. Now that it’s in stomach, the ice cube has probably melted a long time ago. It returned to liquid form and has been absorbed by his system. There is no ice cube for him to poop out. But he must not have figured out that ice cubes are just frozen cubes of water. Water is good for the body. In fact, we’re supposed to drink at least eight glasses of water a day to keep us healthy.
13 Can't get pregnant just from taking a shower
When it seems as if everyone around you is getting pregnant, you might say something like, “There must be something in the water.” This poor girl took that to a literal extreme. She knows that her boyfriend has the potential to get her pregnant but doesn’t seem to know how pregnancy works. In her naive mind, pregnancy is something that can be contracted, like a disease. And its method of contagion is the shower that her boyfriend also used. She’s right to be so concerned. Her parents have probably warned her that she shouldn’t get pregnant before she’s ready, and the girl has taken that to heart. The problem, of course, is that she doesn’t know how babies are even made and that you can’t “contract” pregnancy from showering in the same place as your boyfriend had showered in, especially if he’s not in the shower with you.
12 Why would you need to take an elephant out to sea
Andy needs to know how he can trick an elephant out to sea. Um, okay? Oh, he also needs to know QUICKLY! We have no idea WTF is going on here. Why does Andy want to get the elephant out into the sea? That just can’t be good. Elephants are land animals. And we’re also wondering why it’s such an emergency. But someone did reply to Andy’s request and suggested that Andy should tell the elephant that there will be ice cream at the beach. Apparently, some people believe that elephants love to eat ice cream and so it would be a great way to get an elephant to do your bidding. We really hope that Andy stays away from elephants, though. No elephants should be harmed by this dude.
11 Need to hire a BBQ Dad for backyard cookout
Sometimes you just miss having a father figure around. These guys, aged 21 to 26, didn’t have a dad of their own to invite to the BBQ and took to the internet to find the ideal candidate. Their emergency was that they needed someone who knew how to handle a grill as well as a generic father would be able to handle one. It’s so sad and sweet at the same time. They must have had good memories of their father hosting BBQ family events and now didn’t have one around. So, they decided to “hire” someone to be their dad and cook up some burgers and hot dogs on the grill for them. Of course, he should also down a few beers in the process and talk about “dad things.”
10 Fear of clowns
Phobias are serious business, and this person will do whatever it takes to get over their fear of clowns. They’ve decided that their money would be better spent on facing their fear instead of going to a psychologist and had placed a job advertisement to find someone who would walk around dressed as a clown until the fear went away. It’s sort of a sweet gig. All you’d have to do is be willing to look like an idiot in public. And the best part is that it’s a weekly paid job! Why should you work retail when you can dress as a clown and scare the stupid out of someone? This person had to have been desperate to overcome their fear of clowns in order to put out this hiring ad.
9 Future husband needs to fall in love now
We relate to Jazzy. Back when we were in our teens, we would have a crush on some hapless guy and think that he was perfect for us. This would lead to imagining that we were married to him and that we just had to convince him of what a perfect couple the two of us would make. Little did we realize at the time how completely wacko that sounds. Her emergency question is the horrible, horrible inner monologue we used to have when we were stupid and obsessive 14-year-old girls who couldn’t control our hormones. Everything was life or death! And we needed him to like us back! Outgrowing that phase can be extremely liberating, and we have no desire to go back.
8 She delivered the baby and still doesn't understand how this pregnancy thing works
Sigh. This woman carried this baby in her uterus for nine months and gave birth, yet she still doesn’t understand how pregnancy works. Her baby happens to look a lot like his father. This is very possible when you consider that babies get their genetics from both the mother and the father. We’re trying to wrap our minds around how this young lady could even think that she had given birth to another woman’s baby, but it really gives us a headache. But you can tell she’s really concerned about the whole thing. She thinks that her boyfriend got some other woman pregnant for the baby to not look like her at all. It’s funny but also painful to imagine that anyone would not understand that the baby is hers by biological default at this point.
7 Probably shouldn't have stuck it in there in the first place
When we’ve heard that guys will stick their junk into anything with an opening, we didn’t realize that not even toasters were safe from being violated. This guy must have been eyeing his toaster and thought what a great lover it would be. OMG. Anyway, now he’s got an emergency from sticking it into the toaster. What if he left the toaster plugged into the outlet when he pushed it down? You can bet that it’s going to be getting warm there. And if his reproductive appendage continues to swell (from pain this time, not from pleasure), he could really have done some damage to it. But the people on the internet are always willing to help and suggested that he wait until it’s done being toasted before trying to take it out. There IS a cancel button on toasters; however, this guy might have to go to the ER if he’s extremely stuck.
6 While we're on the subject of toast....
Speaking of toast, this pregnant lady has an emergency as well. She is craving toast while at work, but it seems as if her job does not provide employees with a toaster. Her only other option is to use the microwave. But microwaves would just make bread warm and soggy. That would be really gross and not satisfy her craving. She probably could have put a slice of bread into the microwave and found out herself that the microwave is not the best way to make toast. In fact, microwaves are not the way to make toast at all. You have to use a toaster or it just isn’t toast. But she went to the internet instead and tried to get an answer for her emergency question.
5 How did she make it to 26 years old
If all it took to lose weight was rubbing your stomach, we would be able to eat everything we wanted without any consequences. You could eat as many doughnuts as you desire and just rub your fat to make it disappear. But that’s not how this works at all. She says she’s 26 years old and has a 14-year-old daughter. That means she had her child when she was only 12 years old. She was barely a teenager when bringing another human being into the world. We don’t know who told her that rubbing her hands together and then onto her belly would help her to lose weight, but we do know it’s really sad that she believed that it might be true. This poor woman seems to have had no one in her corner her entire life….
4 She's worried her boyfriend will find out she has normal body functions
Okay, where do we start with this one? Her boyfriend is old enough to have his own cottage where he can invite her to stay the week with him, but he’s unable to comprehend that women poop? Apparently, he hasn’t read the book Everyone Poops or taken any sort of anatomy class. He also seems to be lacking in common sense and critical thinking abilities if he doesn’t know that women have to take a dump every so often. You need to poop. You can actually die if you don’t poop! If their relationship is to continue, she needs to break it to him that ALL girls poop. All of them. Even supermodels. And if he can’t handle it, she needs to just let him go. Holding in her poop would be a bad idea.
3 Please help him convince his wife to let him have a threesome with the maid
Paul is going to get in major trouble if his wife ever finds out this post! Apparently, he has a thing for their maid and wants her to spend the night with him and his wife. He already knows that his wife is going to say no to the idea and wants to be able to convince her otherwise. At least he’s not just going to attempt to sleep with the maid behind his wife’s back, right? He wants his wife to agree that it would be a good idea. But c’mon! Paul is such an idiot. If he has to ask this emergency question on Yahoo! Answers, then it’s probably a really ill-advised idea. Any advice he gets will mean that either the maid gets fired or Paul has to sleep on the couch without even his wife to keep him warm. It won’t end well.
2 His wife has been watching 'How To Get Away With Murder' and has a plan
Facebook allows you to announce your relationship status on the platform. So, you can imagine the horror this man felt when he noticed that his wife had changed her status from “married” to “widowed” while he was still alive. Maybe she had prematurely announced her intentions to get rid of him. Or, she doesn’t really know how to use Facebook and accidentally changed her status. Maybe she wanted to see how well her husband pays attention. We don’t know. What we do know is that this definitely constitutes as an internet emergency, and the answer he received is probably accurate. His wife might have been planning to kill him. He won’t be able to file a police report over a changed relationship status, though, but he probably started sleeping with one eye open.
1 Boiling the evil out of headphones
There are two things that you should never do to your electronics. One, don’t immerse them into water. And two, don’t subject them to extreme heat. Putting your electronics into boiling water violates both of those rules at once. It’s also incredibly stupid. We’re not sure why Emma believes that her headphones are ‘evil’ now just because her brother has a different and potentially horrible taste in music compared to her. The headphones have not been violated. Maybe she could use a sanitizing wipe to clean off her brother’s germs, but the headphones have not been imbued with evil that needs to be spiritually cleansed. And boiling them in water will just ensure that her headphones will no longer work and possibly become some melted plastic goop.