We've heard lots of bits of advice in our day. Buy low, sell high. A penny saved is a penny earned. If you kill a man in international waters, you can't be charged for a crime. Sound bits of wisdom, all. But we think the best advice that we ever received came from a character by the name of Joel Robinson from the cult classic series, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and it was this: "Don't trust people, they'll only hurt you."
The good life hacks are the ones designed to make your whole existence easier. But the rest of them? Well, just you go on and take a look at these 15 life hacks that will hack the life right out of you, and then you can decide for yourself.
15 Folger's new line of contact solution
Ah, okay. Maybe this will help us see through society's bull crap. We're willing to give it a try. *Removes contacts, tosses them into a mug of black coffee, swirls them around, puts them back in* Hmm. Yeah, we got nothin'. We don't think this helped at all. In fact, our eyes are burning and we're seeing everything in sepia tone. This may have been a mistake. Or maybe our eyes just don't like black coffee. We'll stir a little creamer and a little sugar in here and give it another shot.
Nope, that didn't work either. You know, we're beginning to think this is a load of garbage. As soon as we regain our vision, we're going to track down whoever is behind this "life hack" and kick their butts.
14 You'll probably die, but your teeth will be wicked clean
We've always loved the taste of fluoride and mint. That's why, whenever we get one of those chocolate Whitman's samplers, we go straight for the little toothpaste-filled ones. Mmm! Talk about delicious! We love feeling like we swallowed too much Colgate Extra Whitening toothpaste, and now we need to call the Poison Control Center so we don't die! It's our favorite flavor.
This life hack is ideal for anyone who wants to save time, enjoy a wholesome breakfast and keep their teeth clean, all while significantly increasing their risk for internal hemorrhage. If that sounds like you, then prepare to have the life hacked right out of you. Just spread a little toothpaste—or as we like to call it, fluoride jelly—on your toast, and you'll be good to go.
13 So THIS is why you should always wear underwear
"Yeah, I just don't understand it, Doc. I borrowed my friend's iPhone to make a call, and now you say I've got a urinary tract infection in my ear canal? How could this possibly have happened?"
Suddenly, we don't feel so good. We borrowed our bestie's phone last week so we could check our email. What if she had used this life hack? We love her to death, but she's the sort of person who'll fall for anything she reads on the internet. If she did do this, that means we touched a panties iPhone. And if that's the case, then we have to go throw up, and we really don't want to do that, but what else are we supposed to do, and, somebody, please, HALP US!
12 Ah, the lengths people will go to to avoid work
We did this, and let us tell you something. With our piece of crap printer, the amount of time that it took to print out a picture of our sink with no dirty dishes sitting in it, we could easily have just washed the dishes and put them away. It would have taken less time to do what we didn't want to do than it did to avoid doing what we didn't want to do, and that speaks to a universal truth of humankind. People work harder avoiding work than they do actually working.
We humans are a lazy breed, and it's sickeningly pathetic. Oh, don't get us wrong, we're not going to let this stop us from being couch potatoes. We're just saying, that's all.
Aw, yisss! Finally, a life hack that allows us to do something stupid AND illegal! It's about time. Hang on, you guys, we're going to go test this one out. We'll let you know what happens.
Okay, we're back. Man, that was a bust. We've never had beer before, but we had no idea it's so strong! What's the alcohol content in that stuff, 0.2 percent? So Intense! Anyway, before we started our car, we used our seat belt to open a cold one—you know, just to see if this life hack would work. Well, we drank the whole thing, and we got so drunk, we passed out, so we ended up spending the last two hours napping in our car. What a rip off this life hack is.
10 This one's not so egg-cellent
What? Boil our egg in our coffee? No. Ha ha! No, we're not going to do that. Say, is this some kind of joke? If we go poking around the room, are we going to find hidden cameras? We feel like we're being punked right now. This can't be for real.
Do you know how chickens go about laying their eggs? Like, do you know where those things come from? Eggs go through hell and high water to get from the hen to the carton to our frying pan, okay? The exterior shell has all sorts of icky bacteria on it, sometimes even salmonella, so call us crazy, but we're not about to stick one of those things in our cuppa Joe. Sorry, not sorry.
9 Well, they're not wrong
If the "boil your breakfast egg in your hot coffee" tip didn't tell you everything you need to know about the life hacks that Tumblr users have to offer, then here's another one that'll show you just how crazy those people are—and we can say that, because we are Tumblr bloggers.
This wonderful advice has arrived just in time. Why, it was only the other day that we were contemplating how we could save more money on our grocery bill. We've been tightening our belt, literally and figuratively, cinching it up one notch at a time, wondering how we could possibly save even more of our hard earned cash on food. And thanks to this helpful life hack, now we can. Great advice. Thanks, Tumblr! You're a national treasure.
8 Break a leg! No, seriously, do it
If the life advice you have to offer consists of breaking bones to get extra time to do school assignments, you need to step back a bit and calm down. It sounds like you might need a vacation. Drop that heavy rock, get out of that tree, whatever it is you're doing to try to injure yourself in order to buy more time to do homework, stop it right now. It's not worth it. Besides, if you just wait a little bit longer, your student loan debt will cripple you, anyway.
School's important, we're not saying it isn't. But it's not as important as keeping your bones in tact. So if you're going to follow this life hack, just know we're not liable for what happens to you.
7 Yeah, it's a "life hack"—certainly not a symptom of food addiction
Ooh! We like this life hack! Eating a whole cake in one sitting? We've been doing that our entire lives! We had no idea that it was a clever tip. We figured it was just one of the many ways to get insulin resistance. Who knew we were actually being innovative, all this time? Ka-razy.
We don't want to tell you how to live your life (which is a complete lie, because we're control freaks, and we absolutely do want to tell you how to live your life), but you shouldn't listen to this life hack. Eating entire cakes at a time is going to put you on the fast track to diabetes. Sure, it'll be a good ride, but once you get there, it's not so bueno.
6 Extreme tea time
We're all for saving time, and we'll do almost anything to avoid washing dishes. But darling, this is not the way. If you're willing to suffer third-degree burns all because you don't want to wash one little mug, you need to rethink things. Sure, it might seem like you're saving time now, but mark our words, this little life hack is going to take you straight to the ER, and all of that time you saved by cutting out the tea cup middle man will be spent in a hospital bed.
Sometimes the slow way is the fast way, people. Sometimes you make things worse, even though you were trying to make them better and more efficient. So think twice before you pour boiling water down your throat.
5 It's not a nightlight, it's a nightmare light
We see this bad life hack, and we raise it a good life hack, and that is this—life hack: if your life hack for kids makes adults wet their pants, don't do it. And you know what? Here's another life hack for ya. If you're too stupid not to know that you shouldn't make horribly creepy nightlights for your kids out of old baby doll heads, maybe you're beyond the help of life hacks, period. What even is this? Get out of here! And take your garbage "life hacks" with you!
Great for kids? Nah. Great for Halloween decor? Oh, heck to the yes. We wouldn't give this thing to any child, even as a joke, but we could see setting a few of these out for October 31st.
4 Time to ketchup on our reading
Please don't dump a gallon of Heinz into your copy of Death of a Salesman—or any other book, for that matter. It's wrong and despicable, and you're probably going to hell if you do it, TBH. Sorry. We didn't mean to lash out like that. It's just that we're avid bookworms, so when we see someone disrespect our inanimate literary friends like this, it really steams our beans. We don't know. Maybe we're too sensitive.
Heck, if you've already got ketchup holding your spot in your book, you may as well cram an order of fries in there, too. Give yourself something to snack on the next time you need to read that Shakespeare play for homework. We mean, you've already crossed the line, what's one more abominable act?
3 This isn't a life hack, it's a death wish
We hope you're not dumb enough to think that you can fall thousands of feet from a plane into a body of water and survive. But since the person behind this life-hacking life hack clearly thinks that's a plausible option, we're going to explain to you why it for sure as heck isn't.
It's all very science-y and stuff, but when you're diving off of a diving board, you're not gaining any real speed on the way down, so you plunge into the water gently. But if you were to leap out of an effing plane into the ocean, you'd reach terminal velocity, traveling around 10,000 feet per minute, meaning you'd hit the water super hard, and you would then become what experts like to call "dead meat".
2 Wow! That's...helpful...we guess
Weed is an amazing drug, isn't it? One good toke, and pretty soon, you're making a life hack blog on Tumblr, drilling holes through Wonder Bread, shoving bananas in there, and thinking it all makes perfect sense. Hey, wait a minute. That's right, this is a life hack from a Tumblr blogger. That means drugs might not have been involved at all. We don't know which is worse.
We always said the tuna salad and strawberry jam sandwich that our little nephew made for us was the worst sandwich we ever had, but this unpeeled banana on torn apart white bread is a strong candidate for second place. We're perplexed and flummoxed by this. Was this their feeble attempt at making banana bread? Either way, it's sad.
1 The best advice in this entire lineup
If you weren't convinced that all of these other life hacks would truly be able to hack the life out of you, then this one is sure to win you over. In fact, this one is so effective at sucking the soul right out of you that that is the entire premise behind it. Say sayonara to your alive-ness, because with this pro tip, there won't be anything left to animate the meat suit that is your body.
There is a silver lining to this undeniably dark cloud, however. While you will most assuredly die, you also will not have to pay back your student loan debt, which is a definite check in the pros column. Ultimately, it's your choice. But our decision is made *throws noose over water pipe*.
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