Hypochondriacs unite! WebMD is the universal go-to for everyone who worries about every little thing that might be wrong with their bodies. A cold? It might actually be the result of an immune deficiency. Better check the Internet! Recently saw an episode of Grey's Anatomy? Of course, you have whatever the beautiful woman in the hospital gown has. Double-check WebMD to make sure. It's the perfect place to avoid the walk-in clinic or emergency room. No need to interact with a ton of other people coughing and emitting snot and germs. Just hop online and get a diagnosis pronto! Avoid the doctor who gives you a judgy look when you even mention the word 'google'. Get answers now! That's the promise of WebMD. Peace of mind. Oh wait, did I say peace of mind? HAHA. NOPE.
Here are 15 memes that perfectly summarize our feelings about WebMD.
It's so hard not to go down the rabbit hole of Internet self-diagnosis. It's so easy to do it when WebMD is one of the first search results and lulls you into a false sense of security. You'll find out if everything is okay, you'll figure it out and just go take a nap. You'll feel better. You'll be reassured. SAID NO ONE EVER. Every. Single. Time. You end up worse off than you began. You discover names of symptoms and diseases you never knew existed and then you fall into a googling frenzy to find out more. Never ever do a Google Image search...please never. You'll be sorry. WebMD will never tell you that you are alright. That's not what its function is. It's there to terrify you and make sure you click away to the depths of its pages. You scroll down to the area where it suggests you should visit emergency care and you find yourself in the ER at 3 a.m. wondering how you got there.
No. You Don't. You go there on a mission to find out what the F you have. It might be that burning sensation when you pee. Pro-tip: go to the doctor. You've either got a UTI or an STD. You need some medicine to clear that shit up. It might be that you're trying to distinguish between a cold or a flu. If this is the case, it really doesn't matter! You'll feel like crap either way. Do not go to the ER and spread your germs unless you are old and frail or have a depressed immune system. Stay at home in your miserable cocoon of damp tissues and cold medicine. Get off WebMD, nothing can help you now. A virus cannot be cured with antibiotics biatch. Drink fluids and watch Gilmore Girls: A Year in The Life.
Okay, so this isn't expressly WebMD related. But we've all thought this exactly after searching something on WebMD. This is also a bastardization of Hagrid's oft spoken lines in Harry Potter: "I shouldn't have done that". We hear you, big guy. We definitely should not have done that. We now think we have 10 parasites and five tropical diseases. What the hell were we thinking? At least we don't keep giant spiders as pets. They'd probably bite us and send us back to the keyboard to type away and search for answers again. Poisonous spider bite? But what about GIANT poisonous spider bite? I shudder to think. It might cause a rash, or an allergic reaction, or maybe some other kind of immune-system response. Yikes.
Well, well, well. Isn't this sassy? But this is the honest WebMD. You're either fat, bloated or pregnant. It could also be a tumor, in reality, cancer and tumors are WebMDs favorite answers. I visited the WebMD site to see what would come up if I typed in 'large lump abdomen' as a search term. First, why in the world did I decide to visit this site once again? Immediately, my heart starts racing because every article is a death threat. Anyhow, the search terms pull up cancer, tumors, bowel obstruction and LASTLY pregnancy. I suppose you would know that your large abdominal lump is a human being growing inside you, but maybe not. There is that TLC show that existed at one point... 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'. Now I literally think I'm pregnant all the time, even when there's zero chance. But maybe I wouldn't know! Except, probably you would.
This is a very specific refining of symptoms and I like it. I like the attention to detail WebMD. Really working overtime. But seriously, who the hell goes on WebMD after an encounter with a freaking octopus in the south Pacific. There's an octopus in the south Pacific that's really big. It's GIANT. Or at least, that's its name. It gets rather large for an octopus and can grow up to 600lbs. If I encountered one of those and had some kind of incident, medical or otherwise, I probably wouldn't be farting around on WebMD. Priorities people. Also, is the shortness of breath because you were wowed by the magical creature? Because that definitely makes total sense to me. You see the majestic creature and lose yourself in the moment, you stop breathing. Because the octopus has now started to eat your face. Oh.
Oh my god. This again! This is why my mother is afraid of the ocean and now I am beginning to understand her. It's big, dark and deep and has so many mysteries. When you're swimming in deep ocean water you have no idea what's beneath you. It's kind of romantic, but then a shark might just munch your little cute legs off. Not so romantic. (PSA: Sharks really aren't that bad) Again, my point of why are you scuba diving then WebMD-ing your symptoms. If you have the bends go seek medical attention! Don't just pitter patter away at your keyboard and muse about it. These are the times where it's okay to get your ass straight to the ER and say WebMD told me to!
I get it. It's an addiction. It's like solving a puzzle, but there's no reward and no prize. So just quit it. Trust me, it will feel better. You don't need to check all your symptoms immediately. Of course, should those symptoms persist then take a look online and see what's up. Maybe. But having a family doctor is a good idea too. These days it can be tough to have doctor you see on the regs but if you can manage to find one, please do it for yourself! You'll have someone to make an appointment with when you're worried about something. They'll have a history so you won't need to re-explain each time and you'll start to feel comfortable with that person (hopefully). The Internet is cool, but it didn't go to Med school.
I think this is actually in the newest version of the dictionary. Kidding! But it should be. Web MD, you are a mean old grinch. You are never nice. Never have I checked my symptoms and found out that I'm totally fine with a side of a sneeze or two. Never have I read on WebMD that I shouldn't worry too much, that it's probably nothing. Things on WebMD escalate quickly. Super quickly. Symptoms, causes, treatments, doctor visit and then there's always a list of complications or symptoms that are red flags for which you should find immediate medical attention. Those symptoms are always so freaking vague and apply to anything. If you feel faint. Seek immediate medical attention! If you feel not so good. Call 911! Seriously?
I'm not bragging but I've never done this. I've never needed to. I always manage to get sick right before things are due so I try to avoid procrastinating. I get things done wayyyy before. But I do understand the impulse when you're panicked and need to finish something for a deadline. WebMD has a bevy of excuses for you! The black death is a bit extreme but hey, people are getting it again aren't they? But really, don't forget to do your work. Because pretending to have a sickness is awful. It's also really not believable. Your professor is obviously constantly on WebMD trying to find out about that weird rash so they've read it all. They know what you're up to. You can't fool them. Unless you tell them you have the same rash.
I think we should petition that they change their logo and slogan to this. It's perfect. It just rolls off the tongue. I can totally hear a nice British lady voicing the podcast ad. Ah, what a soothing voice. I think I will convince myself of that today! See, that's just great marketing. There could even be different variations on the idea. Little spins on the slogan. "Convince others that you have a terminal illness". Oh. Actually, that's pretty awful. Probably fraudulent. Yeah, let's backtrack and go back to the original. Scratch that completely from the record please. Let's go back to convincing ourselves. Phewf. Yeah. That's better. I feel better. Diseases for me. Just for me. No need to commit any felonies! No siree!
Have you ever checked WebMD for a particular reason, be it a headache or a weird mystery ailment that has been bothering you a while, and actually figured it out? It's pretty great. Let me be perfectly clear. It happens almost never. Generally, checking WebMD results in panic, worry and sometimes tears, but sometimes you nail it. You have an AHA moment. It feels so great to have an answer because for so long you've been without any semblance of an answer at all. That's the Holy Grail of Internet diagnosis. Usually though, you just get the same damn answer, every single time: CANCER. Screw you WebMD. What the hell do you know anyway? Come back to me the day you can scan my body and give me REAL answers you son of a bitch. Stop teasing me with lies and fear, you bastard.
UGH. I did this recently because I'm an idiot. I don't even know where this notion comes from. It must be from a TV show or a movie maybe? Perhaps House delighted us with a little nugget of knowledge about diabetes and we all have it stuck in our brains forever, plaguing our paranoid minds. Apparently one of the symptoms of diabetes is severe thirst and frequent urination. And I have NO idea how I know this, but oh boy do I ever. Anytime I'm peeing more than usual I'm immediately asking myself if I could be diabetic. The other night, I ate a lot of pizza. I hadn't eaten anything for a long time because I was sick. I was still sick, so I barfed the pizza. That's besides the point. I was REALLY thirsty after. And instead of putting two and two together (pizza is salty) I immediately worried about diabetes. Normally, I'd go online and check WebMD for the 6000th time just to make sure, but I was wrapped in blankets and too feverish to leave my cocoon.
I just want to hug this guy. Because oh no! That's so sad! It's a sad truth that sometimes the symptoms of a mental illness can manifest themselves as physical symptoms. Unless this just means literally, which is also really f*king sad. Don't die smiling man! Keep smiling and giving the thumbs up! Get off WebMD and live your life! Forget what the Internet says, go see someone. Talk to someone. Or if you are melting from the inside out, maybe go to a naturopath. Kidding! Go see a real doctor who can fix you. Let's be pals and never browse WebMD again. Don't despair. You'll find happiness again (unless you're melting, then I'm really sorry about that I bet it really hurts bad...ouch).
Let me save you the trouble. It's a f*king cold. Runny nose? Muscle aches? General feeling of crappiness and snot expelling from your body? Yeah that's a cold! Sometimes a slight fever and you feel like a bus ran you over. Your throat will hurt, your eyes will feel heavy because you can't sleep, because sleep is impossible when mucus is clogging your throat and impairing your breathing. You have vapo-rup on your upper lip to help decongest your sinuses. Your head is maybe exploding. You have overused a wad of tissue so much that it has disintegrated. You are disgusting, you feel disgusting. You have no motivation to get dressed, do your hair, wash or bathe. You cannot eat. But you should because you need strength. You have a cold. This has been the most accurate WebMD illness description ever.
Jean-Luc knows best. Just stop it. Stop looking online and go to the doctor. If you are that worried, you will feel at ease when you actually get a medical opinion. Maybe not though, they might tell you something you don't want to hear. But that's the first step in being able to take care of yourself. Browsing WebMD is not. It's a way to increase your panic and worry. No good can come of it! You already know this. So just exit your browser and call up the nearest clinic or your family doctor. Go check out what's bothering you. Especially if it's been bothering you for a while. WebMD is not a being. It cannot respond to you, it cannot tell you've searched the term 'gonorrhea' 7 times in the last month. Actually, it can. But only to show you ads. It can't gently suggest you head on over to the doctor to get checked out and ease some of that anxiety. Listen to Jean-Luc Picard. He knows what's up.