Our nails are symbols of vitality, letting the world know about our hygiene or lack thereof. In contrast to the classic looks of white tips, nude colors and carefully rounded shapes, we now have a bold range of innovative styles on the horizon.
In modern times, we get to see everything from food honoring nail art to art that inspired us to recycle those old hair trimmings. In this society, there are no limits to the potential accomplishments of our nail aesthetics.
After viewing this list, we wonder if we could ever go back to the boring designs of yesteryear. It’s hard to believe that we’ve all been living in the past with our archaic thoughts about what our nails can handle. The following choices of nail design will ignite a bold and impractical flame inside of us all. Please note that everything that was just said was sarcasm. Here are 15 cases of nail art that were way too over the line extra.
15 Bubble Hands
My nails look like this, so my kid’s nails can look like acceptable features at the ends of human hands. When all other entertainment mediums are left behind, it’s up to the mother to act as a human jungle gym. Everyone enjoys bubbles, but carrying around a bubble wand is too much of a hassle.
Instead, asking a manicurist for nails that check off the boxes for both abstract art and children’s toys is a more effective solution. These nails work so well that it seems as if the hand is a standalone. Check out that disembodied hand, putting in work. Cousin It from the Addams Family has nothing on her! Hopefully this child’s next interest isn’t anything too heavy. Once they get into the dinosaur phase, it could be hard to plot out an excavation site and fossils into one's nail bed.
However, if it panned out, we could end up getting some extremely strong hands in the end. Mothers are built for durability anyway, so it could work out. If we love getting slippery, fake fruit scented liquid on our hands, and wish we just had more child spit on us, then this nail art is truly an all-in-one solution.
14 Chip Wrecked
Coral reefs are out here dying as quickly as this person’s taste in wearable art. Women are often advised to carry their keys in between their fingers when walking around at night. But with nails like this we won’t have to worry about self-defense. What’s that paper cutout on her wrist, though? Is that to show the pollution problem?
There are also several chains that don’t seem very naturally occurring. Most people have to watch out for nail fungus, but in this case it might be considered barnacles. The metallic colors possibly represent the illness of the reefs, and perhaps this person is trying to bring awareness to the issues. However, as with many other projects like this, it’s questionable that they didn’t commit fully.
This person has seashells glued to their arms, but they couldn’t use a blue backdrop? They’ve got a heavy pole with a seahorse coming out of their finger, but no serene ocean waves and sand, or natural sunlight? If they're going to be extra with their nail art, then their photos need to take it all the way to the next level as well. At first glance, these nails could also appear to be a slew of tangled crabs. A better backdrop would clarify the context. Better luck to them next time.
13 Cheese Tips
Cheese is delicious. It takes many forms and is loved by the masses—especially the squeaky, long-tailed masses. However, it might not be a great status symbol. Unless you want those around you to associate your hands with the smell of cheese, which is only pleasant when you’re actually eating cheese, then you might want to avoid this one. Nails with holes seem prone to getting caught on a variety of items in your everyday life. Trying to hang a photo?
While you might need nails to do that, these aren’t the proper kind, and will cause you to bleed from your fingertips.
Depending on whom you speak to, mice can be considered cute friends who are too clever to fall for the age-old traps. They do become less cute when they’re eating cheese on your nails, reminding everyone in your vicinity that you dine on food encrusted with animal saliva. It’s a look that’s best left untouched, lest you grow moldy and infected with rabies. This is probably why humans are generally lactose intolerant. The background to this photo appears to be two pumpkins, which is a fair juxtaposition for this look. Yet, even if it’s Halloween, it still doesn’t make sense.
12 Swiss Army Life
The last one was Swiss cheese, so now let’s look at another Swiss product: the army knife nails! Complete with every item you would need to survive a night in jail, or a night of fine dining. Whether you’re picking locks or picking out last night’s dinner from between your teeth, these nails have it all!
The elegance of a French manicure is a great classic, but in these modern times (with high crime rates) they’re simply not all that practical. Anyone who understands the responsibilities of being a functioning member of society would know that there are tasks to be done, and crime to be fought. How many times have you wished that you had a miniature saw literally on hand, to cut off your split ends?
What about a cork screw as you sail the horizons on the yacht that has everything except for the necessary tools to enjoy fine wine? Just remember that you absolutely cannot touch your face while wearing these! You could accidentally pop a pimple into your skull, carve out an eyeball, or create some Phantom of the Opera vibes with a scarred face. Perhaps the other hand is filled with some of life’s other important tools.
11 The Portfolio
In the world of acting, headshots are becoming outdated. You truly need to stand out when you head into auditions these days, or risk missing out on the singular opportunity that will offer you fame and fortune. If you want to display your range of emotions, but can’t figure out how to be innovative, try this look. Her expressions go from happy, to annoyed, and even to questioning why this look has become real in the first place! They say that your blood, sweat, and tears go into your finest work, and it seems that her actual hair went into this one.
That is true dedication, and that’s what will make you stand out in a sea of clones and “sheeple.”
Remember to match your makeup to whatever look you paint onto your fingers, and know yourself well enough to perfectly recreate your image. This also works for the confident narcissist, because looking into a mirror throughout the day isn’t enough: you need to see yourself in everything. Another amazing feature of the hair is that it gives the illusion of long nails, without having to deal with them. Hair is flexible, and it won’t break in half when you accidentally slam your hand into the sink while reaching for the lotion.
10 Leave A Memo
The problem with cork boards is that they’re stationary. Actually, that is a bad joke because they really only hold stationary. I’ve heard of acupuncture, but I don’t think they drill the needles into your nails. Why don’t these tiny sticky notes have words on them? What is the functionality of cork board nails if you can’t even put motivational quotes on them?
The kind of quotes you read daily, but never use to enact actual change in your life. Or what about the notes you create for yourself to remember to do things like drink more water and smile, but you end up putting that off for the tomorrow that never comes? This person had the skill to draw a miniature Polaroid photo, but not a single letter on the notes. Where’s the commitment in that?
Hopefully the other hand is filled with chalkboard nails, and that one holds more promise than these. However, cork could prove to be a great protective layer against the elements. Perhaps the idea is not lost after all. One of the most important things to remember here is that you can’t remember anything if it’s too small to read! If you go through with this nail art, you’ll want to have huge fingers for optimal outcome.
9 The Plague
One of the plagues of Egypt brought boils to the citizens, and they probably didn’t care for those. However, after things are outdated for long enough, they come back, rebranded as “vintage” and clearly that is what’s happening here. Nails that resemble clear boils are just too hard to pass up! Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s an infection. In actuality, these are probably raindrops, and the person behind them was likely inspired by a garden the morning after the rain. However, rain and dewdrops on plants carry much more beauty than when placed on human hands.
The finger that has been chosen to bear the brunt of this nail-consuming disease looks weighed down and miserable.
It’s hard to imagine why this look was chosen and then showcased online. While the texture might be fun for a moment, the fun will expire when you realize all of the handshakes you aren’t getting. Perhaps this person hates interacting with other people, but rather than seem rude, has devised a way to say no to handshakes. “I’m sorry, I have a raging, infectious disease, and if I shake your hand your fingers will fall off.” Whatever the case may be, it’s certain that most people would steer clear of touching a person with this style.
8 Hard Boiled Nails
These nails are high in cholesterol and low in style. This cute egg character (better known as Gudetama) from the Japanese company, Sanrio, is best left as a tiny action figure on the shelves of your home. When Hello Kitty just isn’t enough and you want to branch out, you go for this guy. Despite his cute face, this egg yolk looks absolutely miserable at the fact that he is sliding around on the tips of someone’s nails!
There is very little surface area to call home and his shell has been dismantled for the world to see. On one of the nails it appears that he is trying to skydive onto better days. These nails will weigh down your hands until you fall over in the streets, potentially landing sunny side up. But who's to say?
The best one features this egg person as a human in a yellow suit. If only the wearer of these nails was actually wearing the complete bodysuit, this could actually be considered a great success. However, until we see the full commitment, this just isn’t cutting it. Perhaps we should leave eggs with mother hens, and forget that this was ever a possibility for nail art. If that’s still an option.
7 Noah's Arc Of Demons
It was Noah who put the animals on an arc to continue the populations, but apparently it was the devil who brought them to Noah. If you want to tell the true story behind that great flood, and want to find a new spin on finger puppets, this is the jackpot. This set is complete with red Kool-Aid to dye your hands into an unholy color and stick on animals from the craft store to partake in the festivities. Or maybe you just wanted to take your children to the zoo, but realized how expensive it is.
There are hidden fees if you want to pet the animals, and sometimes children climb into the pits and ruin the show.
The animals are always “in the back.” And who knows if they’re even being treated well? We can’t always support these organizations, and the next best thing is to find tiny plastic versions of those animals and showcase them on your fingers. You could even put white dots on your newly painted hand to represent whatever red, polka dotted animal it is that you want to emulate. Would all of these animals get along in the wild? Probably not, because they definitely aren’t doing too well on your hand either.
6 Mommy Long Nails
She likes her nails like she likes her eyelashes: unnaturally long and questionable to look at. Forgive me for the ignorance, but who is occurring on these lengthy masterpieces? Is it a sports team, and she realizes that wearing a jersey to a sports game is like wearing a band t-shirt to a concert? It’s just a faux pas. Instead, why not grow out your nails beyond any practical use and paint them to show your team spirit?
Her rings are also excessive, but that’s just commitment to the character. She is proud of what she has grown, and why should that be taken away from her? Although you won’t be able to wear contacts or make sudden movements without damaging your body, perhaps there are other uses. She could potentially knit with these, creating several warm blankets at once.
Typical knitting needles come in pairs of two, but not anymore. It also looks like there are tiny bells hanging off of the bottoms of a few nails. Some people ring a bell while riding a bike, notifying others of oncoming hazards. This woman is implementing the same technique, and practicing proper safety directions. Everything seems to be going well for her.
5 Edward Scissornails
While the movie made them look awesome, real scissor hands would be too dangerous to have. It’s also probably painful to surgically remove your hands and replace them with very sharp scissors. Your blood could rust the objects into a quick decay. Rather than allow misfortune to befall you and your hands, this nail art still offers the risk of getting injured, but lowers the pain scale significantly. Imagine all of the amazing compliments that you could receive when you perfect the art of shaking hands with people! Especially if you manage to avoid cutting off their extremities.
It's a fine life to imagine.
The person who completed this art left Edward’s face without eyes and a nose, allowing room for true mystique and question. The only downside to this is that you cannot actually cut things with these nails, as they don’t seem to be able to move properly. Similarly to many other nail art featured here, it would be quite dangerous to accidentally rub your eyes without remembering the fact that you have sharp objects attached to your fingers. Also, mama always said not to run with scissors. The entire time that you have this nail art, you’ll never be allowed to run! It’s probably a bad idea to go through with these before running in the town marathon.
4 Nightmare On Nail Street
One, two, Freddy’s lethal fingernails are coming for you. Despite the fact that these have sparkles on them, we're not fooled. Nightmares are on the horizon with nails like these, so say goodbye to sleeping properly once you get them. On the bright side, you might be able to defend yourself from those nightmare creatures if you have claws like this. There’s no need for mace! In fact, people might not approach you at all if you’re going for a look that is reminiscent of a film that features such a despicable monster.
However, this style is incomplete without makeup that gives your skin the texture of Freddy’s, so that is truly the major issue here. Who wants to have normal hands with such an iconic look? Where is the hell fire? There are so many other opportunities with this. However, these clearly should have been nails for a showdown between the three big names of the horror genre: Michael Myers from Halloween, Freddy Kruger from Nightmare on Elm Street and Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th.
Who would win? It isn’t certain, but it probably wouldn’t be the person wearing this look who had to deal with the nightmares. Actually, perhaps we should stick to more digestible horror characters. Whatever happened to Scooby Doo’s villains? Crimefighting dogs should always be featured on nails.
3 Lactose Showdown
We already saw one person’s version of cheese nails, but now round two is here to face off. The first cheese nails were more blunt, not really for fighting. However, this person decided to go for length, narrowing down the nails at the tips to easily fit through the other nails’ holes, tearing them apart from the inside. There are significantly more mice on these nails, which means that the cheese must be infinitely more delicious. The mice run along each nail with ease, showing us their tiny tails as they break through to consume the dairy.
Is this the true story of how Swiss cheese got its holes?
Being consumed by tiny rodents before being shipped off around the world? It wouldn’t be surprising, as there is actually a cheese that is eaten by maggots as part of its fermentation process. This journey will truly make you question the world’s obsession with cheese. Perhaps it’s best left on its own. The mouse on the ring finger looks as if he is dripping with cheese saliva, which is unsettling. Good hygiene is just not present when your hands are covered in this stuff. On the bright side, the Cheetos dust will blend in quite well after your midday snack, so you won’t have to worry about cleaning it off.
2 Nails On The Cob
The last ones were cheesy, but now we have corny as well. Out of all the vegetables in the world, corn is inarguably one of the most superior. It adds flavor and color to any dish, grows in beautiful stalks, and is watched over by scarecrows, a horrifying feature to many farms. In fact, I don’t understand why one of the nails isn’t dedicated to scarecrows.
Placing blobs of butter on your corn is one thing, but on nail art it just has too many negative ways to be interpreted. This corn also appears to be reminiscent of tiny holes that freak some people out when they’re clustered together. This could be a great look for the county fair, but unless you’re going into a job interview for ranch hand, it isn’t the best thought. However, the person who got this manicure has probably dedicated much of their life to corn.
They say to dress for the job you want, and not the one you have. This is a prime example. Or perhaps this is an example of “you are what you eat.” This should be featured on an episode of Freaky Eaters, where the person only eats corn on the cob and butter. It would be a great insight into the effects of consuming too much of this sweet yellow vegetable.
The hairdresser just sweeps up your split ends like they’re nothing! In this world, where recycling is a necessary part of life, we have to find new and innovative ways to reuse all of our resources. Introducing the hair nails, because they’re kind of similar things? Taking keratin supplements are supposed to help both of these things, so what better way to unite them! Hair clips, bow ties, and bobby pins truly tie it all together. The text in the background reads, “Break rules not nails,” which might come into play here.
Protecting your nails from breakage by covering them in your leftover hair trimmings is secretly a genius idea.
If this look doesn’t take off at the salon, you could always try pitching it as a quarter machine prize. What child wouldn’t want their hands to be adorned with hair? Humans used to be covered in significantly more hair, and now that we’ve lost it, we want it back. It is yet another vintage thing that it’s time to start experiencing again. However, now we have the tools to bring it back in true style. However, perhaps brown wasn’t the best choice against these blonde hairs. The smiley face is of course the icing on the cake.