It’s that time of the month again. Aunt Flo is in the house. The Red Lady is visiting (Game Of Thrones, anyone?). Or, as I have commonly come to refer to it (in front of my boyfriend and everyone else because it’s THAT true), the PERIOD MONSTER. And when I say, “monster” I’m not just being hyperbolic. Like, I literally turn into a monster for five days out of every month. No. I’m not one of those painfully perfect girls who suffers silently through her menstrual cramps, too polite to utter a word about the fact that she’s bleeding and feels like someone is stabbing her repeatedly in the lower abdomen. But after a little bit of light perusing on the #PMS section of Whisper, it seems I’m in good company. So, if you’ve ever felt like an emotional wreck, an absolute psycho, or the hungriest girl in the world, you can read these 15 hilarious Whisper confessions from girls who "can’t even" thanks to #PMS, and take solace in the fact that you’re definitely not alone.
15 Cats Have Feelings, Too
I feel as though I should state upfront, that I, myself, am an animal lover. I have had several cats, five dogs, and a couple of horses in my lifetime. My position on this particular confession shouldn't provide evidence of otherwise or be used against me in any way. That said — if I can be blunt here — the cat shouldn’t have been so annoying in the first place. Like, aren’t cats supposed to be super sneaky intuitive? Can’t they smell that time of the month brewing within us, days before it strikes? In certain circles, this Whisper confession may sound the alarm to PETA extremists, however, in my eyes, the victim of this PMS outburst had rightful cause for yelling at her cat. Furthermore, the victim also showed remorse for her actions, making this entire argument justifiable. Case closed.
14 What Boyfriend?
I’m pretty sure that any girl who has ever had a boyfriend in her life can relate to this confession. Every time I’m PMS-ing, I teeter-totter that bold line between totally avoiding my BF for “me time” and needing him to wait on me hand-and-foot. There’s no in-between. Some days (the worst days), I fully have to avoid him (pretend he doesn’t exist) because I fear that if he says or does the “wrong thing,” I might do something I’ll later regret (like eating all of the pizza behind his back or changing the channel on NFL Sundays). Other days, anytime he leaves my side, even just to go to the bathroom, I get such bad anxiety I end up in tears. To an outsider or anyone who doesn’t have ovaries, this all makes me sound like a total lunatic and the worst girlfriend in the world. But I promise I’m a really sweet and endearing GF the other 27 days out of the month. Right babe?
13 The No-Judgement Zone
Personally, I think everywhere should be a no-judgement zone when you are PMS-ing or on your period. Nobody needs to comment, judge, or even know about the fact that you are eating potato chips off of your stomach while binge-watching Friends; even though you've already seen every episode, like, a million times. Or, that you just got mad at your boyfriend for looking at some girl’s selfie for 1.7 seconds too long. Or, that you haven’t changed your underwear in two days because they are your “period panties” and you don’t want to ruin any of your non-period panties. Everything you do when your PMS-ing is 100% your business, 100% justifiable, and should never be questioned. In fact, I like to utilize my PMS time to grant myself permission to do the things I wouldn't normally do. Such as ordering (and eating) an entire pizza to myself, playing hooky from work so I can stay in my PJs all day, or skipping my trip to the gym. Right? I can't be alone in this.
12 Every Girl Needs A Cuddle Buddy
I’d fully be lying if I said I haven’t spent hours perusing shelter adoption sites, incessantly Googled teacup kittens for sale, or asked my boyfriend to bring me home a puppy from work when I’m PMS-ing. While boyfriends, lovers, and FWB’s (friends with benefits) are perfect for cuddling most of the time, when a girl is about to have period, she needs something more. She needs a cuddle-buddy that won’t try to change the channel on her when she's three matinees deep in a Lifetime movie marathon. She needs a big spoon that won’t question her desire to eat Ben & Jerry’s straight out of the pint. She needs a pal that won’t judge her for not showering, but will, instead, cuddle closer and lick the excess salt off her fingertips from the chips she ate before the ice cream. That kind of companionship can only be found in an animal.
11 Whatever feels good, right?
A better method might be just using a good old fashioned hot water bottle placed atop your ovaries. But I’ve gotta give this girl props for improvisation and making the most out of a bad situation. What is it about applying pressure to your ovaries that feels so good? It sounds counter-intuitive to me, yet I know it works. I’ve often tried to hack the science behind this remedy by forcing my boyfriend hot head right on my lower abdomen. Thereby applying a nice, warm pressure, exactly where my cramps are brewing. This bliss only lasts so long. Apparently, my boyfriend has better things to do than to be my human hot water bottle. In which case, I demand he fetches the hot water bottle, fills it up, and delivers it to me before he leaves to live his un-PMS-filled-life.
10 Are You Suggesting I'm Supersized?
Honestly, I’d react the same way. Whenever I’m PMS-ing, It’s as if I’m the hungriest girl in the world. Which is why I like to do all my heavy eating in private, where no one can judge me for my supersize order. Or make inferences about my weight or body type. In fact, I would go so far as to hide my binge-eating by ordering pizza and pretending I was ordering for two people so the pizza guy wouldn’t judge me. He’d ask if I’d like any drinks with my order and I’d be all like, “Oh one second, let me check,” and then I’d pretend to check with my non-existent dinner partner before coming back on the line and responding with, “I’ll take a Diet Coke, and my boyfriend will have a Ginger Ale.” Come to think of it, now that I’ve made my own confession in response to the above confession, it all just feels really silly. If I were in a more political mood, I might comment on how society’s current ideal beauty standards portrayed by the media are having a detrimental effect on the female population’s body image and self-confidence.
9 It's A Double Standard
Just another one of life’s great double-standards. It's right up there with guys being able to go topless at the beach while women have to suffer awkward tan lines. Have I mentioned that I turn into a complete monster (unlike the Hulk) when I’m PMS-ing? Honestly, we females get a bad wrap for our PMS antics. I can’t tell you how many times I have wished that my boyfriend, or any member of the opposite sex, could experience just once, the emotional, hormonal rollercoaster we endure every month so that they might lay off us a little the next time the lady in red comes a knockin'. However, in some ways, I’m glad it’s us and not them...because can you imagine the damage that might come from a swarm of men PMS-ing? I don't think they could handle it.
8 Cue The Great Flood
Admit it; you laughed at this one because it couldn't be more spot-on. Every girl has experienced this unfortunate phenomenon at least once in her lifetime (likely more). As soon as you feel that sneeze coming on, you know it's game over. And If you’re lucky, it’s happened to you in the privacy of your own home where you have the means to “deal” with the situation (shower and change immediately). But most of us aren’t that lucky. And a perfectly timed powerful sneeze has the ability to catalyze that unwanted gush between our legs, send us awkwardly rushing to find a bathroom or worst case scenario, ruin that perfectly good pair of white jeans. (Though, in my humble opinion, you probably shouldn’t have been wearing white jeans during your time of the month in the first place.)
7 Same Girl, Same
Remember that thing I said about being a 'ferocious monster' when I’m PMS-ing? The fury is real. Like, don’t even look at me the wrong way or I might lose my mind. Wait a second, I just had a possibly brilliant thought, though. What if we saved all the hard stuff life throws at us (the breaking up with BF’s, the standing up to BFF’s who aren’t acting like BFF’s, the argument with the AT&T guy over the extra data charges on your phone bill) for that time of the month when you don't take crap from anyone. If there is a time you deserve more respect, it's on that time of the month. It seems to me, we might be capable of putting our PMS to good, and winning some of life’s smaller (but still noteworthy) battles by wielding the great power of our hormones.
6 Got Cramps?
Is it just me or are women simply expected to suffer silently through their PMS cramps? I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to suffer silently. Why should I? It's a perfectly natural thing that happens to all women. We literally cannot change the fact that we get our period so everybody else needs to get over it if they'r not comfortable talking or listening about it. We deserve the right to cringe a bit when it feels like someone is reaching up inside, grabbing a fistful of our fallopian tubes (and other stuff in that area) and twisting, twisting, twisting. Or, like the confession above, as if a carnivorous alien were trying to come out of her. K, sorry was that too graphic? The point I’m trying to make here is that PMS- and the cramps that come with it, are really, really painful to many. And we all probably deserve a medal or an award or something for enduring them every single month.
5 PMS, Check
Gang’s all here, am I right? While PMS blows, I try to see the silver lining in it all as often as I can. Yes, your hormones are playing tricks on your mind, and the whole 'shedding of your uterine lining' thing is zero fun, but how utterly amazing is it that your body is capable of creating new life? If you can’t get to that mentality yet, no worries. Just try to remember that there’s always a positive side. Like, at least you have chocolate? When I’m in the height of my pre-menstrual symptoms, I like to use the occasion as an opportunity for self-care. I’ll definitely indulge in more than one serving of chocolate, maybe I’ll draw myself a hot bath, and I’ll absolutely give myself permission to crawl into bed well before bedtime to catch up on my TiVo. See? Silver lining.
4 But Really, Who Hasn't?
You think I’m crying because The Titanic is a real life sad movie. And yeah, I'm not disagreeing that it is. But the real reason I’m ugly crying is because of how unbelievably gorgeous Leo is and how I’ll never be his Rose. Or his Juliet. Or his Bar Refaeli. Other things I’ve cried over during my stages of PMS include (but are definitely not limited to): An Adele song, realizing we’re out of ranch dressing right after ordering a pizza, a YouTube montage of babies tasting lemons for the very first time, my boyfriend rolling over in bed, a memory of a time when I was thinner, getting tagged in an ugly photo on Facebook, and being too cold. None of which I am proud of. Except for the whole crying over Leo's good looks thing. I mean really, who hasn't done that?
3 There's No Such Thing As 'Rational' When You're #PMS
There is literally no such thing as rational when you’re PMS-ing. Like, no, it’s not a good idea to quit your job because someone in the office borrowed your stapler. And even though your hormones are going freaking crazy you probably shouldn’t text your ex right now because you’ll most definitely regret it in 24-72 hours. And you should absolutely abstain from getting that spontaneous tattoo of your boyfriend's name on your hip because there’s really only so many ways to explain that doozy to your future husband. Someone needs to invent an iPhone app for women in the throes of PMS. Like a Siri for double-checking their rationale on important decisions. If anyone makes that happen, I demand a phone call because I have some more ideas. I would also like the royalties, please and thank you.
2 An Unlikely Combo
It only makes sense that every great flavour pairing can be attributed to PMS-ing females. It was definitely girls on their period who discovered that fries taste delicious dipped in milkshakes, that peanut butter and chocolate just work, and that dipping a hot cheeto into chocolate frosting is actually really delicious. When it comes down to it, I think it's amazing the things our hormones tell our bodies and brains to do when we’re experiencing PMS. Like, any other day of the month someone offered me a grilled cheese with peanut butter in it, I’d be all “ewwww, gross.” But on the three or so days that I’m experiencing pre-menstrual symptoms, that peanut butter grilled cheese sandwich is fully my idea, and I’m not sharing it with anyone.
1 She Found Love In A Hopeless Place
First of all, that’s one fancy microwave, and if I had a microwave that would talk to me, I think I’d feel a lot less lonely a lot more often. Second of all, I get it, girl. The fact that I’m impressed and lusting after a microwave that talks to me is only more evidence to the fact that I fully understand where you’re coming from. It’s hard out there for a girl experiencing PMS. We over-analyze body language, the use of “K” in a text message, and innocent greetings from microwaves. We feel alone and vulnerable and to top it all off, a box of tampons these days costs like thirteen dollars. That’s insane. We, however, are not. The greatest advice I was ever given about PMS was to simply feel my feelings and then own them 100%. So, to the microwave girl, and every other girl out there- go forth and own your crazy, tumultuous, hyperbolic, sometimes insane feelings. It's all going to be okay in a day or so.