It would be easy to let the pizzas speak for themselves, and no doubt, there's a pizza out there with a real mouth on it, but in this case, I'd better preface. All of these pizzas exist. People eat them. They are on menus. They have, in some capacity, been part of a deal with Dominos, Pizza Hut, Pizza Pizza, Papa John's, and so on.
People like to make the argument that "all pizza is good pizza." I'm confident when they see this article, they will think otherwise. Not even Doc Brown would come with an ideas as nutty as these pizzas. Not even Guy Fieri would consider making a pizza so close to his own hairstyle. It's really something when you consider the brain power (or lack there of) that went into the creation of these unbelievable pizzas. My guess is many boring afternoons, and many inebriated nights fuelled the brainstorming.
Maybe it's okay that the origins of these pizzas remain untold. Maybe we don't want to know.
What I do know is they have changed my perception of what food can be, and although there's a silver lining to that, the silver lining is probably made out of anchovies... or duct tape... items I'm certain will appear on this list or some other.
15 Baked Beans Pizza
Let me begin by just saying, "no." No. No, no. I don't understand the thought process that goes into pouring baked beans (I'm guessing these are cold because why the hell not?) onto pizza. I know Europeans like to have baked beans on toast, for example, but a pizza is something else. A piece of toasted bread is unfinished. It is only finished when something is smeared on top of it, and if you so choose to smear baked beans, so be it. Pizza, on the other hand, is already a complete meal. There's bread. There's melted cheese. There's (probably) some meat. That's a sandwich and more. Tell me the above picture doesn't look like a toddler's creation.
It's meals like these that make people create phrases like "palette cleanser," although this particular creation might inspire something a little stronger. Perhaps: "memory eraser" or "tongue scraper." Something along those lines?
... To each their own.
14 Mockba Pizza
This is a pizza invention hailing from Russia. Maybe I'll just never get it. Here are the toppings on this pizza: sardines, tuna, mackerel, onion, salmon, and red herring. That is a mouthful. That's like five meals in one. I warn whoever eats this that you should have a bathroom nearby. Even if the pizza tastes good, I can't imagine it smells good, and that alone might be enough to send you over the edge in terms of sickness. If you want to enjoy this pizza and then suffer through days of recovery, who am I to judge?
What might be weirdest to me, however, is the recipe keeps the typical pizza base. There's still crust and what looks to be tomato sauce. I feel like if they change up the toppings this wildly, maybe they should just abandon the whole "pizza" idea entirely and create a new category or food for whatever this is. Or they could pull off one of the five types of meat and even things out.
13 Squid Ink Pizza with Octopus Salami Pizza
Dress it up however you like, it still looks like beach garbage to me. Is there anything more depressing than a ruined pizza? Anything more beautiful than a salvaged one? Let's deconstruct this Frankenstein of a meal. There are all the necessities as the base. No problem there. It's been a problem in the past but so far we're good. Then we move on to the more exotic toppings. First we have squid. Okay, not something I'd order, but I've seen it before. But wait, add "ink" to squid. So, you're not just eating the squid, you're eating its something squeezed out of an "ink sac;" the result of a centuries-old defence mechanism. Think about it that way. I'm not even sure I have to discuss that they've put something on top of all this mess called octopus salami.
I'm sure there's a reason behind this mayhem. Maybe you there are health benefits hidden within the gooey blackness that is ink. Maybe if you bring an empty pen, you can get it refilled. Pen and a meal! Yeah! Yeah...
12 Canned Tuna Pizza
A German creation: Canned tuna on pizza. The source says it "can stand alone, but is often mixed in with vegetables and other toppings." I should hope so. I can't imagine slopping on some canned tuna, spreading it around with a butter knife, and just eating it. At that point (as we've previously discussed) it might be a little closer to toast. Another way to put this is: if my cat's hounding me to give her some of my pizza topping, I'm not going to be completely satisfied with what I'm eating.
Some suggestions for if you need to wolf this down (for some reason): add A LOT of sauce. I don't mean ask for extra tomato sauce, I mean ask or additional sauce that you can then put on top of the canned tuna. This will possibly also blanket the smell, making the pizza easier to choke down. You could also ask for... even more vegetables?
I vote steer clear.
11 Lettuce Pizza
You're kidding, right? We've evolved from lettuce. We don't need it. Iceberg lettuce? It gives us nothing! You're fattening yourself up. If you want something refreshing, order a water, or a mojito. In fact, you might need liquor to get you through eating this. The title of "lettuce pizza" is actually misleading, because as you can see, there's also bacon, cheese shavings, and possible mushrooms beneath the heaping nothingness.
At this point, the plate beneath the "pizza" is unnecessary. The "pizza" itself becomes the plate. I'm not even certain there's a sauce there that might salvage the pizza if you scraped off the toppings.
Again, this is a case of individually successful, popular pizza toppings coming together to ruin a perfectly good food base. It's like inviting three of your best friends to your birthday party, but those three friends don't get along. When the party ends, no one feels good.
10 Spam Pizza
If it speaks to you, leave it alone. This is a rule I never thought I'd have to create, but I have, and everyone's safer for it.
I'd like to give a little history lesson: Fresh meat was difficult to deliver to soldiers during World War II, so scientists created a food that lasted longer. It was made from pork shoulder. That product was and is called SPAM. Here's what people think the letters might stand for: "Spare Meat," "Specially Processed Army Meat," "Shoulders of pork and ham," and "Specially Processed American Meat." Tell me any of those sound appetizing. Seriously, I understand soldiers ate it because they had no other choice, but you think if they had a choice, if they were living in this day and age, with a wide variety of options for pizza toppings, they'd put SPAM on their pizza?
I do not think so. I do not think so.
9 Python Pizza
Hey, credit where credit is due. They make this look appetizing. Just kidding this looks like if you turned a garbage bin upside down and caught everything in the pizza box you'd put in the recycling bin. Not to mention there's snake on this pizza. Your topping slithered in a past life. Hell no. I wouldn't eat this if you paid me.
The creators almost nailed this pizza. They knew they had something good because the entire base - everything else on the pizza is solid. It's a solid pizza. Sans snake, this pizza would be a killer. Instead, they added snake and made it virtually inedible. It's a sad day for pizza, a sad day for snakes, and a sad day for the Internet.
Part of me feels conflicted about sharing this topping because I don't want to perpetuate it, but who knows, maybe the more I spread it, the less people will eat it. It's not like the photo flatters the creation much.
8 Corn Pizza
Okay, American Midwest, calm down. You're kings and queens of corn. No problem. My only problem with this is the problem I've had with so many other pizzas in this list: the toppings don't belong together! Maybe if you buried the corn inside, and you couldn't see it, the pizza would seem more appetizing. I could believe that.
Instead, we get what looks to be a Thanksgiving monster.
The worst part about this, I'm finding, is that none of it looks as though it's been fussed over. I want my food fussed over. If chefs get to yell, they get to yell because they care deeply about the food they serve. I'm guessing the chef that made this either doesn't yell, or they've been fired.
I have one (corn) piece of advice for you next time you try a pizza: leave the corn and peas to one side of the plate.
7 Pimento Stuffed Green Olives Pizza
100% they just picked this up off the ground before the picture. I got this from reddit, which is why it's credited to "CapnStabby." If I can take a stab in the dark, there was no one to captain the creation of this pizza, and instead they turned off the lights, raided the fridge, and created a pizza à la Jackson Pollock + pimento stuffed green olives.
So much of this screams "mistake" that I'm surprised there isn't any SPAM that actually spells "mistake" on the pizza itself. Now, I'm worried for if CapnStabby sees visits TheThings. That's sure to be a problem.
The biggest mystery to me is there's only half a pizza. This means they left the other half on the ground, where this half also belongs, or they ate one half and decided to take a picture of what ultimately killed them. Could be either, and I'm open to the different possibilities.
6 Chicken and Waffles Pizza
Chicken and waffle pizza should be good. It should be good. The issue with this is waffles get their own toppings, they aren't a topping themselves. This means you've got multiple layers on your pizza that arguably make it less of a pizza and more like an edible problem. You want to put syrup on your waffles, no? Maybe even chicken or slices of ham. You want to put some jam on it, or butter – do any of these extras sound like they'd be good on top of a pizza (with the exception of the meat)? No. They make a mess of things and pull you in two different directions so you're not enjoying any of it. It's a real problem that's got to be stamped out. Having pizza and then waffles would be one thing, but putting them together seems like some sort of weird, unnecessary time saver.
Hm... would substituting tomato sauce for jam be so wrong?
5 Broccoli Pizza
Broccoli pizza: your parents' way of trojan horsing your vegetables. Broccoli and cheese isn't that bad, so I can see how this might seem like a good idea to some people. There's the health aspect (with the broccoli) and the good stuff (the rest of the pizza) but it's clear, based on the photo, that the maker took little care in making the pizza.
This is probably the most forgivable creation on the list. The amount of cheese on this pizza could help make any number of gross toppings forgettable – it's a palette cleanser built right in, if you will. Vegetables have never been a stranger to pizza, and so I see why the creator tried broccoli, but I think it's a misstep. You have to add vegetables on that people already like to eat on their own, so that when their on pizza, they're bumped up from "good" to "great," not "meh" to "okay," which is what this is, sadly.
4 Scorpion Pizza
Scorpion pizza. It's telling that this photo is credited to a site called No Way Girl, because no way, girl. I am uninterested in this. This seems like something Fear Factor would cook up and make the contestants eat, and one contestant might say no and run off stage, and another would love it and ask for the food belonging to the girl who ran off.
I'm the girl in this scenario. I wouldn't eat that pizza for any amount of cash in hand! It's absurd. If the scorpions were cut, possible, and baked inside the pizza, or in such small pieces that you couldn't really tell what they were, then maybe I would consider it, because "out of sight, out of mind" isn't such a terrible mentality when eating new food.
Imagine you take a bite of a slice of pepperoni pizza. Some of the pepperoni slides off, and hangs from your mouth. Now imagine that's not a pepperoni slice, it's a scorpion carcass. This is what they're making you eat. Run far, far away, off the Fear Factor sound stage.
3 Corned Beef and Cabbage Pizza
The biggest issue here is cabbage. Cabbage can make anything bad. Anything. It's the "senior" of food. It smells like death and it tastes worse. This creator pitched a perfect game until they included cabbage, which is mostly just water.
Have you ever had soggy pizza? Doesn't reading that just make you cringe, stick out your tongue, and grab anything nearby that might be dry and edible? Well, guess what, this pizza wouldn't be.
Corned beef is a possibility. I don't see it often on pizza, but it's not like it's a stranger. People have been eating corned beef forever (mostly in deli sandwiches) and so it's natural progression would be to go on pizza as a topping. This makes sense to me. I have, however, never seen a corned beef sandwich with a side (or topping) of cabbage. Maybe that's what's been missing from my life. Maybe everyone just needs a little cabbage... But I won't be the one to take that first step.
2 Sauerkraut Pizza
Sauerkraut pizza. Sauerkraut: CABBAGE AGAIN! "Finely cut cabbage that has been fermented by various lactic bacteria... It has a long shelf-life and a distinctive sour flavour." - Wikipedia
I read up further on sauerkraut, and I noticed that on its Wikipedia page there's a section for "health disadvantages." I cannot tell you how rarely I see that subsection crop up when I look up foods unless it's something like, say, SPAM. I don't know why cabbage has become so prevalent on pizza, but it's got to be stopped. In the last entry I said cabbage is like the "senior" of food. Sauerkraut is like when a senior dresses young to try and hangout with the newer generation. Nobody's comfortable, including the senior themselves, and maybe everyone should stop trying and stick to what they're good at. In this case, cabbage needs to go back to taking up shelf space in the grocery store.
1 Pomeroy, Ohio's McDonald's Pizza
For the end, we're back to specifics. "Pomeroy, Ohio's McDonald's Pizza." Pomeroy is one of the only places in North America that still serves pizza on its McDonald's menu. There's a reason it was discontinued in the early 2000s: it's disgusting. Consider McDonald's coffee. It's not good, but it's cheap, and sometimes it's near-free, so you buy it. This was the case with the pizza. It was pretty cheap and so when you pulled up to a McDonald's at 2 AM, after a long shift at work, and you saw the pizza in all its greasy glory, you tilted your head and went "hm..." Next thing you knew you were pulling out of there balancing two slices of pizza on your lap. If that doesn't sound like a mess to you, maybe seek out Pomeroy. It's not that anything on this pizza looks particularly bad, it's just the association. McDonald's coffee doesn't look particularly bad, but as soon as you have your first sip you know you made a mistake.