Bad dating profiles are a dime a dozen, primarily because it seems like a good portion of the population doesn’t really think about how they come across to the people who are looking at said profiles. Though we all have a bad side we try to hide, there are some folks who are truly masterful at showing every single possible red flag they can muster in the small allotted space given to them on Tinder, OKC, and Plenty of Fish. These online profiles, if cringe-inducing dating profiles were art, would be the work of Michelangelo, Bosch, and Picasso. Somehow, we think they might have better luck in the dating scene if they stay offline instead. What do you think about these epic dating flops?
15 “Not A Virgin Anymore! Sorry Ladies!”
Nothing quite says psychotic and potentially nuts like having a dating profile that’s just chock-full of conspiracy theory prattle. Between his desire to meet a fine lady who knows what chemtrails are and the fact that he needed to announce that he only recently broke his virginity, it’s hard to imagine why this potentially paranoid/delusional person could possibly still be single?
To a point, we’re morbidly curious to find out what this guy actually said on that OK Cupid survey that they have you take. It’s really hard to get a 99% enemy match unless you really have a serious problem with women. Then again, he might be worried that those dating questions will be used to monitor him or something. (We wouldn’t put it past him, ya know.)
14 A Right Wing Brony
We really don’t know where to start here, because this is literally something that we would expect to see as a satirical piece on Reddit. It has just about every single market of “neckbeard” you could imagine. The user has a trilby hat in his profile pic. He talks about how he’s conservative, loves Ayn Rand, and is writing a book on why the government featured in My Little Pony’s Equestria is bad and slowly eating away at the characters’ freedoms. Clearly, he is really smart and will make sure to talk to you in a condescending manner for hours on end.
Oh, and the kicker? He also made a point of saying that he has to be “the man” in a relationship...so, lucky ladies can expect dates to be served with a nice side of misogyny, control, and Red Pill propaganda!
13 The Ultimate Nice Guy
This guy’s misogyny is showing, big time. Assuming that you’re okay with having him make all the decisions in the relationship because of his belief in a skewed form of evolution, you will also have to make sure to stay skinny under all circumstances if you decide to date this gem.
Oh, and if you are totally okay with the way that he seems to see women as objects that have to be controlled, you also better be okay with giving birth to his young’uns. After all, he needs to make sure “his flesh and blood lives,” no matter what the girl may do. Uh, somehow, we think that anyone who dates this “gentleman” will need to keep a domestic violence hotline number nearby. He just seems that psycho.
12 Just Going Out On A Limb, Here...
Sometimes, being a little direct about what you’re looking for is a good way to ensure that your potential date are on the same page as you are. Things like wanting kids, wanting a life dedicated to art, or even something as important as wanting a person who shares the same political views as you are all totally acceptable. On some dating sites, even being upfront about certain kinks is totally cool...but OKCupid is definitely not one of those kink-friendly sites.
Not only does this guy decide to be upfront about his love of women who are amputees, but this dude goes so far as to actually get super creepy about it. We’re just going to go out on a *limb* here and guess that most girls who are amputees don’t want to deal with guys who fetishize that. It’s just too creeptastic.
11 This Just Screams Baby Mama Drama
While we can totally dig the fact that this guy seems to be very family-oriented and people-friendly, there's a couple of things that are just a wee bit wrong with this profile snippet that we see here. There's nothing wrong with loving your son, father, mother, or your siblings...but you probably shouldn't talk about how you can't live without the mother of your child on a dating profile. We're just saying, this profile really makes it look like this guy is probably cheating on some poor lady who's bringing up his kid.
Oh, and talking about your male private part as the other thing that you can't live without probably isn't helping the general vibe we're getting on his profile. Even so, this is probably still better than 70% of all those dating profiles out there. How sad is that?
10 We’re Really Not Sure He’s Not A Nazi
Ah, yes. Here we have the good ol' racist guy standing in front of a Nazi flag. Because, you know, that doesn't have insinuations that you probably really hate a huge portion of people and want them to just "disappear." Because literally choosing to stand in front of a flag associated with the murders of 6 million Jews, Roma, and LGBTQ people is totally showing that you're "not a Nazi" on your dating profile. Because this totally wouldn't make most people back away slowly or worry about being a hate crime victim, right?
To make this even more cringe-inducing, this guy actually whipped out the "nice guy" term while having his dating photo showing him posing in front of a swastika with a scowl on his face. Yep. Clearly, he's so nice. (Can you tell we're sarcastic, here?)
9 A Real All-American Psycho
Ah, yes, this guy. Unlike most psychopaths you'll find on online dating sites and services, this guy right here makes no qualms about hinting at his psychotic craziness. He even references one of the most iconic lines of American Psycho in his dating profile. And, he's very correct about him being great at making people uncomfortable. We feel kinda worried and nervous just looking at his profile pic.
Writing aside, there’s also his appearance. As he put it, the first thing people notice about him is that he looks like a child predator. But, then again, he could also pass for a wannabe gangster in the suburbs. Either way, it totally wouldn’t surprise us if we saw this dude being asked to take a seat by Chris Hansen.
8 Just. So. Nice.
If there was an award for the most "Nice Guy" profile out there, this guy would totally be a nominee. The entire front page of the profile is literally a rant about how women go for guys who are only going to treat them poorly. What's interesting about this is that it's in his About Me section. Does this mean that he's the guy who's going to treat them horribly?
Oh, and just to make sure girls know he's so "nice," he also added another small rant about how women who are literally just going on for friends "crack him up." We get it, dude. You're bitter. Some of us other folks are bitter too, but at least we do the normal thing and just angrily blog about it instead of expecting people we hate to message us for a relationship!
7 We Don’t Want To Be “Treated Right” By This Dude
Ever notice how guys wail about being super nice and sweet, and talk about how they'll "treat a girl right" in so many dating profiles? Well, this super, awesomely, insanely nice guy will rape you if you get too drunk to consent to sex or pass out in his presence. Don’t believe it? He literally says this in his online dating profile! Like, literally.
Of course, he doesn’t believe that girls want a “nice” guy like him and that they’ll always flock to a dirtbag. After all, the dirtbag wouldn’t treat them right, and that’s clearly what they want. All we want to say is that if “taking advantage of the situation” is what he thinks is treating a girl right, we’re pretty sure we don’t want to be treated right at all.
6 Misogyny, Jersey Shore Style, And Delusions Of Living In Adult Films - All In One!
This dude basically looks like he'd be friends with Pauly D and the Situation, judging by his clothing. But, I honestly can't hate on looks. That isn't actually what makes this dude so cringey. No, what makes this painful to look at is hearing him talk about how he keeps hearing about how all girls want dirtbags when a "nice" guy like him is all about the ladies.
Of course, actually being nice doesn't ever seem to get into the equation at any point. Judging from the questions that he answered, anything that doesn't involve him acting out sexual fantasies or being in charge of women is something that he deems as wrong. Yeah, we think we're going to pass on this Jersey Shore dropout...
5 The One Legged Lesbian Lover
Let’s just start out by saying that there’s something kind of weird about seeing a guy who is old enough to be the average girl’s grandpa looking for love by talking about giving oral sex. Like, you’d *think* that guys would probably learn how insanely creepy that looks before they get to that age. As this dude proves, they really don’t learn too easily.
To make matters somehow even worse, he basically spills his guts about wanting to be invited to a lesbian party. This is, of course, probably not going to happen since he’s clearly a cisgendered, heterosexual male. He also obsesses about a “girl’s crouch and there butt,” so it’s totally like, not creepy, right? Man, we just can’t figure out how this guy is single! It just doesn’t make sense, right?
4 Mr. Purple
Oh...Oh dear. Where do we even begin with this specimen? Like, the dude literally rips a page out of the Nice Guy handbook by calling himself a "gentleman," then going on to talk about how humble he is. Oh, and then after he does all that, he make sure to humblebrag about his "thick length." But seriously – he’s a gentleman..just a very poorly mannered, sex-obsessed, purple-dressed gentleman.
To sweeten the deal, Mr. Purple here will totally let you share his adult toy collection with him. Because, you know, there’s nothing as sanitary and safe as letting yourself “play” with some random stranger’s dubiously cleaned toys, right? Lastly, he’s also wearing a dark purple fedora hat...and we didn’t even know they made them in that color.
3 He Has A Gun...
To be fair, it’s not 100% certain whether or not this dating profile is actually his real idea of what girls want to see. This just looks so epically blue collar that we just want to assume that this is a satire profile making fun of how bad the dating pool really is these days.
I mean, for crying out loud, he literally has a photo of him in redneck overalls, smoking a cigarette, holding a beer, and cleaning a gun. He’s either a budding country music star, mocking Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons, or he takes “huntin’ for a girl” a little bit too literally. To be fair, though, Cletus actually seemed to be getting the most action in that entire show - at least judging by his 20-odd kids. So, maybe he's onto something?
2 Don't Expect Intelligent Conversation From This One
Juggalos have a lot of awesome things about them that’s actually admirable, sort of. They are known for raising money for kids with autism, showing love and acceptance to all, and they also have a very profitable empire. Moreover, if you think about it, they also are giving kids who feel left out or "geeky" a scene where they can let off steam and find others who are like them. So, juggalos aren’t all bad – really!
But, the problem with juggalos tends to be stuff like this. You really can’t take a juggalo dating profile seriously because they can’t even spell swearwords right. And, when a guy’s “braggable” sexual conquest is a chair, you’re probably going to feel just a little bit embarrassed by the company you keep. Also, how does a woman get stitches and end up in a plate?
1 Uh, Good Luck, Girl
This girl knows what she wants. The problem with her isn't that she knows what she wants, but it is in the way she brings things up. For example, sitting there telling the world that she would be in "Brown Boy Paradise" if she wanted to be is pretty friggin' racist. And, demanding that the guys who message her aren't any religion other than Christian probably could have been done with a wee bit more tact.
The real cringe here, though, is that this princess also insists that any guy who message her also abstains from adult films online, sports, and video games. I'm sorry to tell this lady, but every guy will want to do at least one. But, thankfully for her, there are plenty of guys who would be happy to lie to her...maybe.