Breakups are never fun. Whether you’re the one doing the leaving or the one being left in the dust. There are usually a few tears, an uncomfortable dividing of possessions, and the ever-lonely stupor of rebound make-outs, week-long benders, and answering to everyone in your family who thought he seemed like a “really nice person.” While a breakup can be messy, sloppy, and worst-of-all, sad; many relationships end amicably, or if not amicably, at least with both parties knowing that it’s just not working anymore.
However, in certain cases, getting dumped can be completely blindsiding. One minute, you’re planning a vacation together, and the next minute they're telling you they don't like the shape your mouth makes when you talk. Ummm, wait ...what? Of all the reasons for which one could get broken up with, these 15 people bring a whole new meaning to the whole, “it’s not you, it’s me,” sentiment.
15 She Wasn’t The Right Shape
Don’t judge me, but I totally just Googled “trapezoid mouth.” I needed a visual beyond the blankness of the shape above. Needless to say, Google didn’t proffer any prosperous results. I’m still entirely unclear of what a trapezoid mouth looks like and am beginning to wonder if this guy was just desperately looking for an out, any out. Out of curiousity, what would be the right shape for your mouth to make when talking? While it’s one thing for men (boys) to comment on body shape, booty shape, or otherwise, this dude took it to a whole new level. Now we have to be concerned about the shape of our mouths, too?
BRB. Going to talk to my mirror and figure out what shape my mouth makes so that I can avoid any surprise breakups in the near future.
14 Her Name Was Hard To Pronounce
Maybe it wasn’t that he couldn’t stand her name, but simply that he couldn’t spell her name? Maybe he got tired of always having to sound it out in his head when writing her love notes or something. Otherwise, I don’t buy it that her name could actually be a deal-breaker. Sure, she’s perfect and beautiful, her hair smells nice, she’s got Megan Fox’s eyes and Angelina’s lips and Gigi Hadid’s body, but I just really hate her name. Sorry, NO. There’s got to be more to the story. Not to mention, If I had been Antoinette in this scenario, I probably would have dumped my S.O. for ever suggesting I go by the name “Tony.” All I can say is that Antoinette’s parents must be relieved because their daughter just dodged a bullet.
13 She Had A Holy Moley
Anyone else picturing that scene in Austin Powers right now? You know the one. “Moley! Moley! Moley!” I just re-watched it now because how could I not, and it's still hilarious. While I imagine the little eyelid mole was likely kind of cute and endearing, and probably nothing like the mole's mole in Austin Powers, if it still caused this guy to have nightmares about it, I kind of don’t blame him for his actions. Bringing it up to his GF probably would have only made matters worse, or hurt her feelings. So, honestly, I get it. I understand why he had to do what he did. The only question I’m left with: what on earth was her mole saying to him in his dreams?
12 She Had An Unfortunate Doppelganger
Not that Paul Dano is unfortunate looking or anything, but when your girlfriend looks like Paul Dano who is male, well, that kind of is unfortunate. At least for this guy anyway. We all kind of look like another person whether they're male or female, right? It’s always fun to have a Hollywood doppelgänger that you can brag about because the majority of Hollywood actors and actresses are highly attractive people. But when your doppelgänger is of the opposite sex, you sort of lose your bragging rights. I wonder how far into the relationship this person was when they realized the similarities? Like, were they watching a movie featuring Paul Dano and all of the sudden he (the BF, not Paul Dano) just had one of those "aha moments," and it was instantly over for him? And how long it took for him to finally break it off with her? Like, how much time did he give himself to try and unsee it?
11 He Was Disproportionate
She’s not speaking metaphorically, here. While I have once broken up with someone for having a big head, I didn’t actually mean it literally. The physical shape of his head was all right. It was the size of the ego that was his problem. Apparently, this girl experienced the opposite with her, now ex, boyfriend. If I had to choose, I’d way rather have a boyfriend with a literal big head than a metaphorical one. It's probably way easier to fight with someone whose worst fault is that hats don't fit him, but getting into an argument with someone whose ego needs checking is utterly exhausting. But if I could do without either, I’d probably make the same decision this girl made. Life’s too short to have to deal with big heads of any sort, really.
10 She Was A Picky Eater
You have got to admit, it would probably get pretty old, pretty fast, if every time you wanted to go out for a date night, you had to make a quick stop through the McDonald’s drive-thru. Never mind the health concerns, chicken nuggets and french fries are really only an acceptable meal option on three occasions: if you are a child under the age of 10, if you are drunk and it’s after midnight, or if you are hungover. Honestly, I think I feel sorrier for her than I do for him. Can you imagine the monotony? A life without appetizers, tapas, or heaven forbid, Chipotle? And had the relationship actually worked out, what would they have served at their wedding? Chicken nuggets and french fries, I suppose.
9 She Wasn’t Into Fast Forwarding
I’m guilty of this one, too. Thankfully, I have a boyfriend who is slightly more tolerant than whoever this girl got dumped by. It’s not that I particularly love commercials (though I do look forward to Super Bowl Sunday entirely because of the commercials), but usually, it’s only because I keep forgetting how far we have come with modern technology. I had become so used to enduring the intervals between my favorite television shows, that it didn't even occur to me to FFWD that junk. I have to wonder if this guy actually gave this girl a chance. Did he express his concerns over wasting precious minutes of his life watching commercials for products he had no interest in? Or did he simply pull the trigger on an unfair assumption that she was doing it on purpose and not because she had merely forgotten about the advances of modern technology? Sounds to me like the real problem here was communication.
8 She Was Into Conspiracy
I'm a firm believer in having your own mind and thinking independently of your significant other. I believe that it's necessary and healthy, even, to have differing opinions on life, the world, and current events. It keeps your relationship interesting, while also allowing room to explore different perspectives. It's good to be challenged by your boyfriend or girlfriend and to be open to new ideas. But when you’re dating someone who is brainwashed by conspiracy theories, well, that can be a bit frustrating. I imagine it’s even worse than getting into an argument with your boyfriend or girlfriend about religion, and I’ve gotten into my fair share of those. When your core beliefs, views on the world, and opinion of conspiracies are that misaligned, it’s probably a pretty strong indicator that things aren’t going to work out.
7 She Was Saying It Wrong
First of all, this is an honest mistake. I, too, used to pronounce it “cold slaw,” and I have a degree in writing. If it bothered this guy so much, couldn’t he have just corrected her? I feel like this is a breakup that could have very easily been avoided if someone had just taken the time to inform this girl of the correct pronunciation for her favorite summer side dish. And now, not only has what might have been a beautiful love story—if not for a little mispronunciation—come to an end, but because he never took the time to correct her, this poor girl is going to keep on calling it "cold slaw" for eternity. Or at least until a better man — one willing to spell it out for her — comes around.
6 She Put Her Finger Where It Wasn’t Welcome
You have to admit, this is kind of funny. It’s like everytime my boyfriend goes up the stairs in front of my I poke him in the butt. Lucky for me, he’s not as restrictive over where I put my fingers as this annoyed boyfriend was. The good news is, now he'll never have to deal with unwanted fingers in his mouth again. But I have to wonder, like so many of these obscure breakups, couldn't all of it just be avoided with some open communication? Like how hard would it have been for this guy to finish his yawn, and then express to his giggling girlfriend that even though he realizes she thinks it's cute and funny, he doesn't appreciate having her phalanges in his mouth mid-yawn? Any loving girlfriend would surely be understanding, wouldn't they?
5 She Had Weird Eating Habits
Sorry, she does what? Did you just have to re-read that multiple times to understand, like I did? Honestly, I don’t even blame this guy. If I saw anyone eat like this, let alone someone I had planned on getting intimate with later, I would probably throw up and then run far, far, away. This doesn’t even make sense. Where did she learn this strange eating habit? How had she gotten away with it for so long? Didn’t her parents ever tell her not to play with her food? I’m usually pretty forgiving, and I pride myself on typically being able to see things from both sides, but in this particular situation, I’m of the opinion that he made the right choice. And also that someone needs to send that girl to etiquette school.
4 She took her time
More weird eating habits. While this one isn’t even near as disgusting as the last, I can see how it would get pretty agonizing to sit and watch as your significant other slowly pecked away at her plate full of peas, one at a time. But the more I think about this situation, I have to wonder how often this issue came up. Like, why not just never serve her peas? There are numerous other green vegetables that she could eat without it being such a cumbersome process. There's got to be more to the story, here; more underlying issues and reasons as to why the relationship didn't work out. Perhaps the pea thing was just his breaking point; the final straw that pushed him beyond his brink of reasoning.
3 She Was A Little Prehistoric
If you ever find yourself desperate for a cheap laugh, type "girl who walks like a T-Rex" into YouTube's search bar. I just did. I needed a better visual. And after close inspection of multiple YouTube videos, I have come to a likely conclusion. Something tells me this girl had an affinity for wearing sky-high heels that she wasn’t fit for walking in. I can’t tell you how many girls I have seen leaving the nightclubs late at night who also look like a pack of T-Rex’s. Arms bent at breast height with purses tucked under their arms and phone, keys, wallet in hand. Yep. I chalk this one up as another unfortunate breakup that probably could have been avoided with a sensible pair of shoes.
2 He Was A "Never Nude"
This one is hard to figure out. I have spent more time than I would like to admit trying to visualize just how exactly this worked without being incredibly awkward. I have come to the conclusion that it didn’t work and it simply was incredibly awkward. Hence why the relationship had to end. I also can't help but think of Tobias from Arrested Development. The idea of a "never nude" is all fun and games when you're watching it on television. But when it turns out that your boyfriend is also a "never nude," I can only imagine what a major buzz-kill that would be. Suddenly, Arrested Development isn't so funny anymore. I have to wonder how long she put up with his never-nudeness before eventually throwing in the towel.
1 She Couldn't Keep Up
I wonder if it ever occurred to him that maybe she didn’t walk too slow, but that actually he walked way too fast. Chances are, he had longer legs than her, giving him an unfair advantage over her from the start. Did he ever account for that? I know from experience, it can be really hard keeping pace with someone who is taller than you and also takes much longer strides than you. For every one step that my boyfriend takes, it's at least two steps for me. Lucky for him (or maybe for me), I happen to be a very fast walker. It's my only hope that these two ex-lovers each find a companion who can keep up (or put up) with each of their natural walking paces.