Oh, Doctor Who. The show is always proving itself to be as weird as it actually is. In the show itself, the material warrants quite a few peculiarities. I mean, there's a time machine masked as a British police box from the 1960s. There's an 1000-year-old madman at the helm. And there's a weird AF character that is called both Bannakaffalatta and Romanadvoratrelundar. (See, I said it was weird.)
But aside from the show (and the spinoffs, books, and Tumblr posts), there is the fan fiction. On the surface, the fans who write these stories are just looking to extend their creativity along with the vastness that the show allows. In fact, if there ever was a show to warrant fan fiction, it's this one. With that being said, though, some of these fans may have gotten a bit carried away with themselves, and as a result, their final products are a bit… well…we'll just have to see for ourselves, won't we? Keep reading to check out 15 of the weirdest Doctor Who fanfics to grace the Internet.
15 The Doctor And Rose Say More Than Just "I Love You"
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For this one, we've got to blame the fans. After the Tenth Doctor's projection disappears just before he tells Rose Tyler that he loves her, Whovians all around the world waited with bated breath to find out exactly how the Doctor truly felt about her. And it's because of this need for closure that we get this fan fiction titled Shiver and Burn by ThroughanAmberFocus, that doesn't even bother beating around the bush. So to speak.
In this particular scenario, the Doctor doesn't bother with needing to tell Rose that he loves her, because his body is, well...let's just say his body is doing all the talking. If any readers don't have the most creative mind, don't worry. This story leaves very little to the imagination—and any questions we've ever had about the Doctor and Rose will have certainly been answered.
14 The Ninth Doctor Loves His Leather
Of all the regenerations that the Doctor's had, they've all been a bit temperamental. However, this is especially true for the Ninth Doctor. Especially compared to iterations of the Doctor (like Two, Seven and Eleven), Nine is dark, brooding, and powerful. As a hero, this is certainly beneficial, but when they introduce this character into fan fiction, we can probably imagine where his character is going to be taken—especially considering his love of leather.
In Big Bad Handsome Man by Tardismate, things get freaky. And it's all because of Christopher Eccleston's darker, controlling take on the character. Not everyone was a fan of this version of the Doctor, but there are some devoted fans who would ride with him 'til the end. However, we may want to get the thought of the Doctor "riding" anything out of our minds, just so we can clear our innocent palettes. *shudders*
13 The TARDIS' Laundry Room
Naturally, the TARDIS would have a laundry room. And naturally, Amy would be walking around naked because she's been "lazy." In Dirty Laundry by Moodytune, when the Doctor walks in on Amy completely naked, the two clearly can't handle their cravings for each other and—BOOM!—we've got the Doctor and Amy Pond doing things no Doctor should ever do under any circumstances...ever.
If nothing else, we all know now after reading this story that the Eleventh Doctor has "gaunt hip bones," which honestly sounds just a little bit short of terrifying. It'd also be great if no one ever mentioned the Doctor's "juices pooling at her thighs" ever again. Can't we just go back to the days where the Doctor and Amy were looking for booty? (As in on a pirate ship, of course.)
12 Getting Dirty (Maybe A Little Too Dirty)
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If we're going to create some dirty fan fiction with the Doctor, then why bother pulling any punches? Lillibet certainly didn't with The F*cklet Universe (as we can clearly tell by the title). In this twisted universe, we'll find such charming Doctor Who classics as Modesty Forbids, Smutty New Year, and one that gets right to the point - while also addressing a possible subplot in linguistics - Cunnilingual.
However, if anyone is the type of Whovian who prefers episodes that get right to the point, well look no further than Fast and Dirty Sex. As the author points out, it's "Nine/Rose at night, in a back alley on an alien world. Other than that, it's exactly what the title says." Nothing like getting to the point, even though we literally have time on our side.
11 Writing Ourselves Into The Story
Even though plenty of fan fiction writers have loads of fun putting their favorite characters in situations that involve awkward sexual moments—per their fantasies—some go one step further. There are some writers who get a bit meta and just put themselves into the story; so that they can have a go with one of their favorite characters. Take for instance the story Looks by RobinsRedFeathers.
In this story, not only does the author wonder if all Time Lords are this good, but she also gets a bit panicky (with all the lovemaking and such), hoping that the TARDIS is soundproof. To answer her questions: 1. Probably, and 2. Does it really matter at this point?
10 Sex With A Weeping Angel
Should we have seen this coming? Well, maybe not. Actually, what with Weeping Angels being evil stone creatures that suck out the lives of people and displaces them in time and space and all. Nevertheless, Weeping Angel sex is now a thing, thanks to A Stone Cold Love by Johnlocksinthetardis, so we've got no other choice but to deal with this.
If anyone is not entirely familiar with a Weeping Angel, just know that it can't move if people look at it, but when people aren't looking, it attacks. So, either we keep from blinking and enjoy an awkward exchange with an inanimate object, or we do blink and simply hope for the best. Either way, the entire premise is about having sex with a statue...
9 The Doctor And River Getting Frisky
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Married couples should feel absolutely free to indulge in each other as often as they'd like. However, when they're characters on a television show that isn't directly aimed at children (although it's still very much enjoyed by children), it's probably best to keep their sexual pursuits behind closed doors. However, in Conjugal Visits by clare009, the Doctor and River (a legally married pair) seem to forget that children are, in fact, watching. And we might imagine that things get a bit out of hand. What else would we expect pairing up two eager time travelers who refuse to believe in limits?
When a fan fiction writer explains that "The Doctor and River take advantage of their legal rights in unconventional ways," one already has a general idea of what that probably implies. Technically, it's behind closed doors, but seeing as a jail cell is merely blocked off by bars...it certainly doesn't leave much to the imagination.
8 'Doctor Who' Meets 'Harry Potter'
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What a wonderful thing it would be if the characters from Doctor Who could meet up with the characters from Harry Potter. But wait. Oh, no. Oh, no, not like this. If anyone has seen or read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, then they were introduced to Harry Potter's daughter, Lily Luna. Which means we were introduced to a kind and innocent young girl. Of course, leave it to fan fiction, to toss her into an adventure through space and time that is most definitely ill-suited for someone of her innocent emotional stature.
In Lily Luna Potter, In The Tardis, With The Doctor by Arkytior, we've immediately got some Clue vibes going on, and whether or not that's a good thing remains to be seen. Lily Luna Potter totally deserves her own spinoff, if only to keep the Potterverse going strong. But shacking up with the Doctor probably isn't the direction that J.K. Rowling wanted to take her—nor is it the direction any Potterhead wanted to take her.
7 Bigger On The Inside
We don't usually want to view our heroes in unsettling lights, but that's not to say that some awkward fanfic writer won't do it for us. Such was the case with Rose Tyler in the aptly titled, Operation Fornication by redonyellow. If we thought that the Doctor had good intentions, then, well, we were right. And this story isn't necessarily trying to change that. The story is, however, putting a bit of a...sexual spin on things.
After Captain Jack Harkness teaches the Doctor the ways of sex, the Doctor decides that the only way to bring back the Time Lords is to have sex with as many people as possible and repopulate the universe. So, he starts with Rose Tyler, and we get this wonderful piece of literature: "The Doctor shrugged. 'Two lungs, two hearts, two d**ks, is it really that peculiar?'" No, we guess not, Doctor. We guess not.
6 Kissing Through Time And Space
When we're traveling alone for a couple thousand years, it can get lonely. That's totally understandable (even though it's not exactly relatable). So, is it really so strange that the Doctor would take Clara up on the idea that the TARDIS is a "snogbox?" Not necessarily. Not if he's in the mood. So, in the fan fiction story titled Stuck in the Snogbox by Whouffletastic, we can probably get a general idea of what's going to go down with the Doctor...
Judging by this writer's pen name, it's clear that they very obviously ship Eleven and Clara (when Soufflé Girl becomes Wouffle Girl...yeah). So, if we want to recapture the spirited relationship between these two, we'll probably want to make sure no children are present. Otherwise, we're going to get some strange looks, as well as some potentially disturbed mental images by formerly innocent minds.
5 Companion Sexy Time
There's nothing more awkward then walking in on someone having sex. Especially if it's a friend of ours. All we want to do is poke our eyes out and have a go with whatever mind-erasing treatment Jim Carey gets in the Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind. However, when the Doctor sneaks a peek at Amy and Rory canoodling in the TARDIS, he can't help but look away—and cue another creepy fanfic.
In Dirty Words by Powerfulweak, enjoy the awkwardness that is the Doctor spying on Amy and Rory making sweet, sweet love in the TARDIS. It wouldn't seem like such a big deal if the author didn't go into such graphic detail about how much Rory's...member enjoyed the experience, but then again, we're not the professionals, here, now are we?
4 The Doctor In Wonderland
When it comes to movies for children, Alice in Wonderland is definitely one of the weirder ones. When it comes to television shows, Doctor Who isn't much different. So, what happens when you cross the two? Well, you get a little something titled Down the Rabbit Hole, a fanfic from Lupus Malum, where Alice and the Doctor bump into each other after falling down the rabbit hole. Naturally, a bit of madness ensues.
As if the Doctor's adventures couldn't get any stranger, he literally becomes the Mad Hatter and Clara becomes the White Rabbit—and then things continue to get stranger. Author Lewis Carroll may have never anticipated something like this, but in all honesty, it's hard to imagine he'd find it at all strange. This is kind of like a match made in weird heaven. His main character outgrows a house, flowers are talking smack, a cat can vanish on a whim... Traveling through time and space harldy seems odd in comparison.
3 The Doctor And That Super Awkward Moment
The writer of this particular fan fiction really ought to extend a kind apology to literally anyone who's ever considered the Eleventh Doctor to be a personal hero. Why? Because this writer has taken our Doctor to a place that we really don't want to follow. Well, some may want to follow, but the rest of us don't. The rest of us have dignity, thank you very much.
In The Adventures of the Upgraded Vagina (yes, that's really the title), the Doctor has an appetite for sexual acts, but particularly a literal one (if anyone catches my drift). This is probably the only time we'll ever hear a frantic Eleventh Doctor screaming out, "The sex will tear time apart!" That is, unless, future show-runner Chris Chibnall decides to take this show in a very different direction...
2 A Generous Companion
We all loved the trifecta that was the Doctor, Amy, and Rory, right? Well, maybe we didn't like them quite as much as some fanfic writers, and the proof is certainly out there. In Rory the Cuckold: Amy and the Doctor's Affair, we're going to get exactly what the title implies—but on a level we're likely not at all expecting.
Here's just a random taste of the story, thanks to Dorkly: "After Amy confesses she cheated with the Doctor, all Rory wants to know is why. Her answer shocks and disgusts him. The final blow comes when Rory stumbles upon Amy and the Doctor having sex. However, Rory gets his payback by having sex with the Doctor himself. Then, angry at the boys, Amy takes matters into her own hands by sleeping with a Silence." Is anyone satisfied by this? Awkward I know...
1 The First Doctor Is One Saucy Devil
If anyone has gotten this far and are wondering where the bloody hell the Doctors from the classic series are, well, don't worry—we've got one right here. In fact, we've got the first one right here. While some have probably never put much weight into the First Doctor's sexual prowess, prepare to be proven otherwise. In Who Is Your Master? by Sigyn, the Doctor isn't just DTF, he's interested in visiting an "Earth adult shop and purchasing sex toys, stimulating her in the appropriate manner."
Now, to each their own, but geriatric sex isn't always the most popular. However, when it comes to Doctor Who, maybe we'd be willing to give it a pass? Maybe? Well, how about when we consider the fact that the Doctor is about to take part in a "top and bottom session?" Does that help? Oh, it makes it worse? Understandable.