Don’t try these pick-up lines at home. In fact, don’t try them anywhere, ever, because no one wants to hear them—they’ve got no game whatsoever. There’s an art to wooing the opposite sex that these wannabe players never learned. Some tips: don’t mention fetuses, child-bearing hips, farts or the word ‘stalk.’ These words make for the wrong first impression. We don’t want to know about any fantasy, greasy McDonald’s breakfast chez vous, either. We can’t be enticed into just any lair scattered with empty beer cans and pizza boxes, where certain pickup “artists” (*ahem!*) lay their lonely and perpetually single heads at night. These are all cringe-inducing ice-breakers and we pity their ineptitude and declare them to be the 15 worst pick-up lines we’ve ever heard. Go away! Swiping left! Left!
This guy introduces himself and less than a dozen words into his cringe-worthy introduction, you’re already planning a trip to the washroom to google ‘restraining order criteria,’ just in case. You never know! We’re pretty sure he’s kidding, but can you really be sure? This might be a perfectly harmless guy, but for the love of all that is holy, don’t mention the word 'stalk' or any of its linguistic derivatives until you’ve been dating someone for at least three months and are familiar with each other’s sense of humor. What if your pickup target was once the victim of a real stalker? It’s a horrible experience and they’ll shudder at the mere word. And you can be certain you won’t be bumping uglies any time soon, brah.
Well, this is just too presumptuous! The first meal anyone should be trying to pick us up with is dinner. And we mean dinner at some swanky, romantic place (if that’s your thing), but never breakfast—unless dude turns out to be a night shift worker and breakfast is really dinner for him (which, in some cases, can actually be hot and blue-collar sexy). This is not what this guy means, though. Ugh, it’s the word 'nudge' that's making us cringe. What a bold assumption this Casanova-wannabe is making here. Should we take his phone and put in our two digit number spelling ‘no?' Should we ask him what he eats for breakfast—because we’re actually curious: what does he eat for breakfast? What will we not be eating with him tomorrow?
You know how hipsters are. It’s uncool for them to seriously care about anything material or elitist. They probably embrace some defiance against romantic norms by honestly laying it all out on the table. Yeah, typically dating and romance and all that BS involves fancy wining and dining at expensive restaurants, but let’s cut to the chase and get right to the real part of the relationship. You know, the part where you’ve brought your toothbrush and regular change of clothes over, have already invaded the underwear drawer and are well into the comfortable stage of things. And instead of going to some fancy hotel brunch on your first date/morning after together, you’ll hit up McD’s for McGriddles, wearing matching vintage Che Guevara tees and scruffy jeans. Yeah...no.
If you want to make someone uncomfortable and embarrassed pretty much immediately upon meeting—yes, tell them they farted. Sounds like a plan. And they didn’t just manage to let out a discreet, ladylike fart (by using all the maneuvers they could muster to make it as mouse-like as possible), but they blasted this geek the hell away from them with all of the might of their unladylike gassy sphincter. If only you really could blast someone away with a fart. Would it be worth it to blow your shy and demure cover to light one up like dragon’s breath, so you can really let this guy know how you feel about his lame-arse pick-up line?
The F5 key is so useful. Whenever frustrated by a slow internet connection, lo and behold, we press F5 and sometimes—sometimes—like magic, it fixes what ails our computer. At the very least (even when it’s useless), it keeps us in that delicious state of anticipation that something's about to happen, as it circles endlessly or its hourglass flickers tauntingly before us. And now, blundering pick-up artists who simply cannot resist our diva fabulous-ness ruin the savior-like cachet of the F5 key for all time. Thanks, guy, for dimming the very last shining star on our keyboards, which keeps our last shreds of hope alive sometimes. Now, when our computers are slow, we’ll be pressing F5 and cursing you.
The most offensive pick-up lines seem to be the most presumptuous ones. Take Fart Guy above, for example. It doesn’t make anyone feel sexy when someone mentions farts whilst hitting on them, but at the very least, the guy was trying to be original. Points for that. Okay, so he failed miserably. But, even though farts are gross and completely wrong as an ice-breaker, at least Fart Guy wasn’t obnoxiously presumptuous, like Mr. Spock here!
Stupid Spock! You’re hitting on the ladies all wrong. We thought he was supposed to be super smart? Well, oftentimes really smart folks have too
many brain cells in one area with deficiencies showing in other areas, as seen here with exhibit A—Mr. Spock’s inappropriate pick-up attempt!
That’s right, baby. No rain tonight...it's dry as a desert. Prepare for a long, dry drought with no rain for weeks, months, years—maybe even decades. For your long-range forecast, we predict blue balls—oops...we mean, skies—and zero inches...of rain, that is. Right now, you’ve only got a light, unpleasant breeze blowing around you—like hot wind rising from a polluted lake or junkyard.
Also, when bragging about yourself—for future reference—you should probably aim higher and claim more than a few inches. Next time, say you have a tsunami in your pants. Try that and see what happens (actually, don’t—because that’s even worse—we’re just messing with you).
We can’t decide if this pick-up line is terrible or brilliant. We’re leaning towards terrible, on the whole, but the simplicity of this one is almost brilliant. Like a bright and shining meteor that almost connected, but in the end, missed its target. It’s like something a five-year-old would think up—and that’s what makes it the tiniest bit charming in one small respect, yet so thoroughly cringe-worthy at the same time.
In the final analysis, it’s yet another awkward example of one of our fellow fumbling humans reaching out to another and inducing only a roll of the eyes, whereas they went in hoping that maybe this little encounter might lead to a little somethin’ somethin.’ Nope!
Do you believe in love at first sight? We believe there’s chemistry at first sight, where two people react to each other like magnets. Doesn’t matter if they’re terrible for each other—if folks have physical chemistry between one another, they’ll overlook at lot of potential faults personality-wise—especially early on in honeymoon phases of relationships.
Do you believe in second chances? This guy does. Or, at least, he’s pretending to be a romantic for the sake of hooking up. Who knows? Deep down, maybe he is really and truly a romantic person.
What would you say if someone used this line on you? Would you say: "Yes," "Go away," "Keep right on walking," or "Third time’s the charm?" Or, would you just pretend you never heard their dumb questions?
OMG. The appendix does not reside in the stomach; it resides in the right lower abdominal quadrant and is attached to the cecum, which is a pouch-like structure at the end of the colon! OMG! Doesn’t this guy know anything? Geez! We don’t understand how the appendix works, either, but we don’t necessarily want them brought up during our first words ever with any potential bae. We hear ‘appendix’ and we see no future with you. Going forward, dude: don't mention bodily organs and physical discomfort right out of the gate. We have to admit, there’s something convoluted and almost sweet about this awkward metaphor, but it also manages to conjure up images of operations and gizzards. No…just no.
This pick-up line is just straight-up bad. There's nothing awkwardly sweet about it. It conjures up bodily organs (again! What’s with the physical specifics?) and uncomfortable pregnancy (did they have to mention nine whole months?), reminding you that you once resided for a loooong time in your mother’s saggy, flabby and now middle-aged abdomen. Somehow, this idea starts to get strangely incestuous if you think too hard on it—it’s obscurely philosophical and intellectually taxing, like the string theory.
Just stop! Dude, why?! In the future, just ask us if we’d like a drink or something, if you want to hit on us. When you try too hard to be original, but suffer from dumb ideas—this is the result!
Okay, who doesn’t want to be called ‘fine?’ When you get called ‘fine’—even when the word comes from the mouths of harmless creeps, who might otherwise just whistle at you on the street and move on—you do start to strut like a peacock. Posture prouder, chest out, chin high—suddenly, you’re regal and imperial. That’s what being called ‘fine’ is like when the word comes from someone you admire. Now, throw a parking ticket into the proud peacock image and it’s the wrong kind of ‘fine’ and dude’s punning on ‘fine’ and it’s—argh—just so painful. Why are you comparing people to parking tickets? Who wants to think about parking tickets? So mundane, so everyday—like a long lineup at the DMV.
Dude, we do not appreciate the image of stubbed toes—now that’s going to be the first thing that flashes before our eyes whenever we think of you (if we ever think of you again, that is).
Actually, we probably will think of you again and might even wonder what your coffee table looks like since, for sure, we will never, ever see it. We do find curious your remark about banging on the coffee table. Like, what kind of coffee table do you have? We don’t know about you, but we need room and aren’t really into balancing ourselves on a hard, narrow coffee table while doing the deed. And why the coffee table? Is it because your roommate gets the bedroom and you get the living room pull-out couch?
Vitamin me, like cod liver oil, never goes down easy and is an acquired taste. With dosing, you might have to listen to cringe-worthy comments and some occasional bad jokes. Pretend to laugh for vitamin me’s sake. Vitamin me’s slightly needy, but tries not to get too clingy. If you’re getting enough vitamin me, you’ll receive flowers on Valentine’s Day—though vitamin me often forgets birthdays and anniversaries. Don’t blame vitamin me—it does nothing to enhance memory and makes no such medicinal claims. If you’re receiving sufficient quantities of vitamin me, you’ll answer to ‘baby’ and so long as you’re taking steady doses of vitamin me, you’ll remain free of deficiencies.
How many drinks can you buy for 10 bucks? Probably one, plus the tip, if you’re lucky. He must go to cheap bars. Is that a wad of one dollar bills? Whoa, look who’s pretending to be loaded and hoping we won’t look too closely. Dude, we’re gonna need Coke bottle beer goggles to follow through, so better pony up, like, a hundred bucks. Think we’re cheap drunks? We’ll drink you under the table. Maybe you can hold our hair when we puke later.
What kind of pathetic pick-up line is this? Dude, now we feel sorry for you. Was that your plan all along? Now all we want is to boost your self-esteem so we might—might—buy you a drink. Score!